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Am unable to satisfy my husband - looking for tips from women in similar situations

February 1, 2020

Hi RPW - this is a separate account from my main as I have my husband on my other reddit - not to hide things from him, but to get feedback and not bother him with this.

We have been together for six years, since I was 19 and he was 24. We met through his mother: I moved to a brand new city for college at age 17, and his mother helped me get settled into a church there. We got married two years ago. We met each other one year before we got together, and we fell for each other slowly but surely.

About six months into our marriage, his workplace laid off a large number of workers and he was among them. I decided to start picking up more hours at my job to sort of compensate for the financial blow (we had also just then purchased a new car with cash). He would be searching for another job, but unfortunately he hasn't had much luck.

My husband is also red pilled, and we have both decided that it is my job to do the housekeeping. While I am able to keep the house clean after work, I am often tired and do not have the energy to be there for him as emotional support. We also have not had sex in a month. I understand that he is going through a lot right now and I want to find a way to be there for him more.

We are not in a financial place where we can see the doctor or afford therapy. Has anyone been through a similar period? How have you overcame it? Would love to hear what you all have to say :)

Edit: Thank you to everyone who commented. I apologize for the late replies, as I have been at work. It is not easy to come back and say this, but because so many of you took time out of your days to respond, it is only fair you are made aware of the situation. I decided to ask him if it was possible for him to do some of the housework, but he has refused. We had an argument, where, as many of you suspected, he feels upset that he no longer feels like the captain of this household. It got heated, and a few hurtful things were said. I have decided that perhaps it is best I take, first of all, a week off work. We have discussed that it is best if I do not be present in the house for that week. I am going to my dad's house while he sorts through his thoughts before we can decide what kind of action we would like to take going forward.

Edit 2: Hello everyone, it has been two weeks since I made this post, and many things have changed. I have left him. We are separated and I am in the process of initiating a divorce. I have also began therapy and reduced my hours. I am still living with my dad, and he's been a great support at this time, insisting I get rest and reevaluate my state of mind. Thank you for your perspectives, and to my sisters, despite not sharing the same views, on other subreddits who have also offered some words.

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Post Information
Title Am unable to satisfy my husband - looking for tips from women in similar situations
Author Brilliant-Response
Upvotes 97
Comments 46
Date February 1, 2020 12:02 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]jonmarli311 points312 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

So, he doesn't have a job, but you do. And you both think it is your job to do so the housework, too? And this has been the situation for a year and a half? No wonder you're tired. Red pill doesn't mean that women have to do chores. It is about accepting relationship roles that suit men and women and make them more fulfilled. One person doing all the work in a relationship isn't that. You both need to support each other or you're just being taken advantage of. If your husband is truly "red pilled" and not just lazy, he'll get his ass moving to find a job and he'll take some of your household load off so he can have his emotionally supportive, sexy wife back. Don't be a doormat. If he doesn't get his shit together, why stay with him?

[–]Brilliant-Response[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

, I love him. And he's good to me most of the time. He's gone to three interviews in this time period but it just hasn't worked out. He's not necessarily sitting around doing nothing, he's developing a computer program in his free time (I'm not too knowledgable about com sci but I'll listen to him if he wants to bounce ideas).

[–]bellsandbutterflies30 points31 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Wait... you've been married for 2 years, and he lost his job 6 months into your marriage. So he's been unemployed for 1.5 years? And he's only been on three interviews in this time? If I'm understanding this right, this is a ridiculous scenario. He's going on 2 interviews A YEAR?

He may be occupied with personal projects during the day, but he's still sitting around doing nothing. "Nothing" doesn't literally mean "sitting in a chair and staring off into space for 40 hours a week."

He's not contributing to your home. You may love him, but love is not enough. You say, "he's good to me most of the time." Only most of the time? What on earth is he doing the rest of the time? And what "good" is he doing for you when he's actively remaining unemployed, allowing someone he's supposed to love and care for to burn herself out supporting him? You bought a new car before he lost his job. Why is he not driving for rideshare apps? Why is he spending your entire marriage working on his hobby (he's unemployed and not earnestly looking for work, this computer program is a hobby) and letting you do all of the heavy lifting in the day-to-day?

How "good to" you is he really if you're exhausted, too tired to have sex, too tired to be emotionally present?

[–]newbrict10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Seriously... When I was interviewing I did 3 per month, this guy seems like he's taking advantage of you

[–]bellsandbutterflies5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When my boyfriend lost his last job, he ended up getting a weirdly good deal on his unemployment checks and it didn't affect us financially at all. He actively delayed finding work as much as he could, and just did the bare minimum job hunting required to qualify for his benefits. He was working with all sorts of restrictions (didn't have a car so the job had to be in our neighborhood, refuses to do most kinds of work due to our morals) ... He got a job within 4 months. I know that job hunting can be extremely demoralizing and not everyone has this experience, but 3 interview in a year and a half is unforgivable. I'm trying my best to come up with one but I'm seeing that there is NO excuse for that.

[–]HB32345 Stars116 points117 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I desperately wish for a stickied post here, in all caps, that RPW isnt about being a doormat. It isn't about doing all the domestic work regardless of your career situation!

Can you explain why you both decided housework is your domain, if you're both working? And can you explain why that didnt change when he became unemployed? It takes two to tango and you really need to put your foot down. You can not be his breadwinner, consort, therapist, chef, and maid. Something is going to be unmet because no one human can, or should, fill all these roles all the time for another.

Also, the RP bitter truth here: If you give, give, give, you have robbed your husband of one of the most satisfying feelings he can have: that of providing for you! He probably can't articulate that that is what is missing, but how can a traditional man feel like a man when he isn't leading, not providing? And there is NO comfort you can offer to that, he is failing and everyone knows it. Posess a gentle reassurance you have faith he can return to those virtues but do not offer praise he has not earned.

[–]i_cri_evry_tim2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Perfect last paragraph.

[–]theawaregirl1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mic drop.

[–]DesignerLover891 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]unknownlady3245137 points138 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If he’s red pilled, he needs to remember that he’s supposed to be the captain of your ship.

It sounds like you are doing it all right now.

[–]just_a_mum132 points133 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm probably going to get down voted for saying this, but if he is at home all day and you're at work then he should be doing the lion's share of the housework. I understand that you're wanting to live the traditional gender roles,but while you're the breadwinner it's never going to work perhaps if he could accomplish things during the day he might start to get his confidence back. He needs to have some wins.

You should start asking for help from him. Let him be your hero and feel like he is needed. Help him to rise again.

[–]Thatsal25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The problem, as all the other ladies have commented isn’t with you. Of course you’re tired; you’re doing two jobs in one. I suggest you and him work out some kind of routine where he takes care of the house work since you are the breadwinner currently.

I hope in the midst of all of this you can most importantly find time for yourself. Stay strong

[–]organicsunshine25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If he is red pilled he assumes control of his responsibilities regardless for "title".

If he is depressed and doing nothing that is a separate issue.

Besides motivating him there is little you can do. Encourage a good outcome but know resentment is around the corner of he does not man up, and that is hard to overcome.

[–]Leeleechirps26 points27 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You are enabling him. You need to set some boundaries and expectations. Do less, and the natural consequences will show. Stop making dinner and doing laundry for a few nights. If he takes initiative then you’ll know he’s capable.

Anyway, my guess is that you are resentful. Which understandably so. But you’ll only get more so and end up destroying the marriage unless you stop enabling right now and let your husband step up or shut up.

[–]Sailoress76 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Agree 100% with the first paragraph and most of the second, but it’s clear to me that OP is the one putting forth all the effort to make this marriage work. She’s not the one destroying the marriage — I don’t want to use the term “deadbeat” yet, but 1st paragraph will determine that pretty quickly.

[–]Leeleechirps1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I agree. I meant her part in destroying the marriage, not that she was 100% responsible. I think it’s up to both of them. If she doesn’t speak up then she’s contributing to the problem

[–]lusacat46 points47 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

What does he do while he’s home alone all day and you’re at work?

[–][deleted]  (9 children) | Copy Link


[–]just_a_mum3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a big assumption and not useful to the discussion.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

How are you “sure of it”? Do you know them? Maybe he does puzzles lol

[–]i_cri_evry_tim4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

the-red_woman’s contributions on PurplePIllDebate would let you know she is the man-bashing kind of contributor, so I guess that’s how they know.

[–]the-red_woman1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well it’s either video games or porn. The fact he still wants sex points to video games

[–]cohost30 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

The fact that this response, a derogatory comment against someone captain, has gotten 14 upvotes shows that there are people who do not really believe in RPW views on this sub. I don’t understand why this stuff isn’t being removed.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You can give advice with or insulting a woman's husband.

[–]Kara__El5 Stars58 points59 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Literally anyone can get a job in a year and a half. Anyone.

[–]unknownlady324533 points34 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Why should he, if she’s doing it all? He must be some more smooth talker...

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What exactly do you mean you cant satisfy him? Why hasn't he found a job in this time honestly?

[–]theawaregirl12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

  • He has not worked in a year and a half.
  • You are the sole breadwinner
  • You are the sole homemaker

This is not RP. You sound like his mom.

You need to stop trying to protect him and let him feel the pain of his situation - the fire may be the only thing that gets him to actually DO something about it.

You're taking over his job so that he doesn't have to deal with it. That's going to cause resentment on both ends. Let him be the man and rise to the occasion. If he doesn't, then let him feel the burn. It's his burn to feel.

[–]WhatIsThisAccountFor3 Star9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Being unemployed for a year and a half and forcing your wife into carrying both the financial and at home burden is not a “red pill” thing, that’s a manipulation thing.

Also being unemployed for 1.5 years is not an “unfortunate” thing. It is a lazy thing. He either needs to accept that he doesn’t belong in whatever field he was previously in, or put in more effort.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]AriesAsF6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're in a situation where you are forced to be both the provider and the homemaker to a so-called red pill man who currently contributes nothing, yet you are worried about HIS needs not getting met because you are too exhausted from doing literally everything for him? The brainwashing is strong in this one. This isn't redpill, this is servitude.

[–]WildernessGirl2472 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It may be that your husband is depressed because he is not contributing to the household financially or from a housekeeping standpoint. If you are the sole breadwinner he absolutely should be doing the bulk of the housework. When you both are working you can both do chores. When a man has no set boundaries he sometimes feels useless. I think if you tell him you want him to do certain things and make a list he will comply, and will be glad to help. This will give you some time to de-stress. When he helps always say thanks, and tell him how much you appreciate it and him. It is easy to see why you are too tired...

[–]Embarrassed-Draft1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm glad you got out of that house - though it's weird that he think he shouldn't be the one to leave for a week since he doesn't contribute to the household in any way - consider staying out so you no longer have to raise him.

[–]nessouak60 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

So, what was he doing while not providing anything to the household in terms of chores and job, while you were working and running the house?

[–]RivenRoyce0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There is so much “we decided” “we discussed” that sure as heck doesn’t sound like you discussed - or have your best interests at heart

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm actually confuse Is this someone making a joke about those doormatswives or really just comedyworth incel advise

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's not appropriate advice for the situation the OP describes. Men must participate on TRP before RPW . Refocus your efforts. Comments removed.

[–]ihey8u-13 points-12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

For quick solutions try to moan out loud and spend some time doing foreplaying... You know.... Sucking the ice cream and licking the cherries.

But to be serious, you need to take some rest mam. Just go on a vacation or visit one of your family's house for a few days. You're exhausted. You need a break. Once you're relaxed and energized talk to your man about it and sort it out with him...

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Insulting a woman's husband is not advice or helpful. Do not do this.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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