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Anyone else grinning and bearing through a career while hoping to be a homemaker one day

October 28, 2020

Wondering how many of us on this sub are going through this right now?

I feel like I'm lying through my teeth at work to stay in good standing when in reality I am excited for the possibility of being a SAHM one day.

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Post Information
Title Anyone else grinning and bearing through a career while hoping to be a homemaker one day
Author Grand-Parking8916
Upvotes 189
Comments 84
Date October 28, 2020 3:11 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–][deleted] 106 points107 points  (31 children) | Copy Link

It would be ideal for me but I feel like it is a little unrealistic nowadays. All of the men I have met are either against the idea of a wife not working or they like the idea but can't afford it.

[–]mara24463 points64 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

It would be ideal for me but I feel like it is a little unrealistic nowadays. All of the men I have met are either against the idea of a wife not working or they like the idea but can't afford it.

That's the issue. Men are increasingly disapproving the idea of having a wife who doesn't work. Traditional ways are decreasing in men almost just like they are in women.

I believe resorting to minimalism or being frugal and creative is a solution for the few remaining men who prefer a traditional family and earn a modest living.

[–]ezer_kenegdo41 points42 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Part of that is the current view of women. My husband supported me when I told him I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but we had an honest talk about what that looked like. His previous wife did that, and she was the classic do nothing, spend money and cheat, and blame him for never being home. I told him my goal was to be with my son for at least the first year of his life, then we would reevaluate. I made it clear that if we needed more income I would go back to work, but the goal was to try to keep me home a year. He has to trust me enough that I will manage the household, spend quality time with our children, and not step out on him. It can be a big choice in that regard. I understand his fears and I work hard to mitigate that.

[–]neverendingtasklist16 points17 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Its very sad. My mother was a sahm and it was so incredibly valuable to me.

[–]mara24420 points21 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Same. I cannot even imagine not having a mother always there for me at home. Coming home from school to delicious warm food shed make, excited to have us home after a long day at school. Raising my siblings and I together, emotionally almost always ready to comfort us and guide us no matter what situation we put ourselves in.

I simply cannot imagine not doing the same for my children. I pray I never need to do otherwise

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same here. I can’t imagine not having had her there.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's always funny seeing the other side of this! My mother has since told us (she never let on when we were kids) that being a SAHM was her most regretted life decision to date. Different strokes.

[–]HondaCrv20100 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Didn’t work for me and would never want a SAHM again

[–]Leooeeoeoeo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

because alimony is terrifying.

Imagine having to pay 30% of your salary every month to some guy you used to be with. I'm not in the USA so even common law partners can be forced to pay alimony.

[–]MirriMazDuur33 points34 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Lots of people change their mind after they have children though

[–]snow_traveler6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the secret that feminism birthed silently, with no one really talking about it. David Rockefeller said himself to Aaron Russo, 'No, you idiot! Women's lib was about money, and control of the family. How else could we tax the other 50% of the population and get the kids in daycare, to be raised in allegiance to the state?' Doubling the workforce effectively overnight led to the wage stagnation we saw in the era post late-1970's. There were the same number of consumers by % in our population, but the labor supply was doubled. This led to the necessity of women working, in supporting a household. Economic traps are an enemy that succeeds in silence..

[–]Buckley9242 points43 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Can't afford it is just an excuse. A stupid bullshit one. When I was born, my dad was a student and didn't work. My mom worked as an HR manager. My dad got a thirty thousand dollar student loan in the days when our government was still imposing interest on those loans so that my mom wouldn't have to go back to work, because he believed mothers with young kids should stay home. He finished paying it off when I was ten. They only had one car, they had a very old 1970s tv for years and when I asked for a PS1, the response was, 'Can't afford it.' Priorities.

Men being against SAHM or seeing them as lazy also absolutely disgust me. Beyond disgusted by them actually.

Pregnancy does a number on your body. A baby especially in the first year is exhausting to cope with. I have medical conditions on top of that that would make it worse.

Also? I was a nanny. In some of the households I worked in, even with two full time working parents, the dad rarely did housework. It was me or the mom.

My own father used to fix the car and do yard work, and did volunteer yard work in our community, but he rarely did housework except perhaps for cooking or vacuuming once in a blue moon. He only started doing that regularly when my mom started going to chemotherapy.

I have no desire to have a full time job and do 90 percent of the childcare and housework. That sounds like the worst deal in the world.

[–]the_iowa_corn29 points30 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think it depends on the standard of living that you wish to have. If you live in a high cost of living area, it would be quite difficult for a husband to support a SAHM unless he's very high earning. If you guys live in low cost of living, I think it's doable, although it would still be quite difficult to be honest. Compared to 80s, 90s, and 2000s, the wage hasn't really gone up that much, but cost of living has gone up much higher. This means that what used to work for your father may not be working well anymore.

[–]Buckley928 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also bear in mind my father's income for the first two years was zero as he was a student with no work.

I would be fine with going back to work once my children were elementary school age, and working one or maaaybe two days a week before as a piano/singing teacher if we could swing ok childcare that didn't cost the earth, but after what I have witnessed nannying, I have very little confidence that my husband would contribute 50/50 to housework and childcare. Some men do, and most men intend to, but they just don't, even if they're the most lovely, gentle guys in the world. And I refuse to be stuck in a marriage where I am doing the bulk of the housework plus looking after little kids plus working full time. I'd be irritable and shouty and have no energy left for my husband.

[–]TheLemming9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You have to understand that that's a single type of situation and not all are like that. If you project your history onto everyone else you're sure to be right sometimes and wrong others. In this situation not being able to afford it may not be a bullshit excuse.

[–]WhistlingDead1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd love to be a housewife but I'd rather work than be a housewife in debt.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]Wolfssenger6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

or they like the idea but can't afford it.

You can thank second wave feminism in part for this. One way to guarantee women have to work is by forcing them into the workforce and thereby increase the supply of labor by ~60% or more and lower the value of it in kind. And people wonder why inflation adjusted wages have been stagnant over the the last 5 decades.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's very odd that you assume those things happened in that order and for those reasons given that it's been pretty thoroughly debunked to have not been this direction of cause and effect between these variables

[–]Wolfssenger2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm yet to hear of what debunks the notion, but I'd be interested in reviewing your sources.

[–]ucanzeee1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I like that actually but work is healthy. I think the women I would marry should at least have worked for some time in their life.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I do have a job and I plan on working even if I get married. I am just describing what would be ideal.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link


[–]-sosedka-7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s a very toxic way to talk to your gf.

[–]Internetmomo9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah they support them fully, but remember 40% of marriages end in divorce and those girls will be squirming when they’re in the middle of a legal shitshow and have no money or resources.

[–]momentsofnicole35 points36 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

I thought that being a SAHM was all I could do.

I ended up becoming a flight attendant (another dream of mine).

I'm married and we have a 3yo.

My airline offered voluntary leaves so that they wouldn't be forced to furlough employees.

Doing the SAHM thing is nice, but I do enjoy making my own money. It's more beneficial to my mental health.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Can you tell me a little about your journey in becoming a flight attendant? I was really looking into it post college then got discouraged after the virus

[–]momentsofnicole3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Continue to be discouraged... (cries in broken dreams)

In all seriousness, it will NOT make you any money. You will barely make enough to pay for the traveling you'll want to do.

Okay, with that out of the way. If you want to be a flight attendant, be in customer service and/or something safety related. For at least 2 years.

I recommend working in a bar/restaurant. If you can handle people on the ground, you can handle them in the air.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Honestly I figured! But I love being on planes and just the act of traveling in general so I figured it would make up for it.

I’ve been working in customer service on and off all college, but I haven’t gotten a restaurant job yet. I tried to get one once restaurants opened up again but the only place that wanted me was starbuxxx but I’ll def keep working on those server applications. Hopefully getting my foot in the door will be easier once I look better and lose a little weight.

Thank you so much for all the info! I’m sorry the pay wasn’t good but I’m glad you have the life you want now.

[–]momentsofnicole2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Definitely losing weight is important. It's a physically demanding job and your body will thank you for taking care of yourself.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

For sure. I’m hovering between 160 and 165 now from 250 previously and just that amount has made a world of difference. Looking to lose about 40 more and unlock “waitress pretty” ahaha! Thanks for the encouragement girl! And all of the info

[–]geethankss2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m 190 and made bank as a “pretty waitresss” stop stressing, and be confident.

[–]momentsofnicole1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Weight restrictions aren't really a thing in US airlines. However, you must be able to at least fit in the jumpseat without an extender belt.

Height requirements are still a thing though. You have to be tall enough to reach emergency equipment.

[–]UniformFox_trotOscar5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ditto. I have my dream job too but I only work part time while my partner works full time. I still do all of the household chores, childcare, etc. it’s a lot of work, but I like that I’m able to balance both.

[–]jayda9236 points37 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love my job (I'm a teacher), but I can't wait to do that work from home; with kids I created myself. We are in the lucky position that I can be a SAHM and we don't have to live frugal. My man has a good career, my job will never be a career.

It's also making me realize I need to stop working one day. And I will miss work, definitely. But my priorities will lay at home.

[–]leftajar1 Star40 points41 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

If you look at the actual economics of a dual income household, the second wage earner isn't actually making that much extra money.

It requires:

  • Extra car payment
  • Extra work clothes
  • Daycare <--- super expensive
  • More eating out instead of cooking

Etc. And all of this is paid in after-tax dollars.

For a second wage earner, even if she's earning $50k/year, after taxes and all those expenses, that can literally get chopped down to $20k, or even worse.

And at the cost of, both parents are always tired, have little time for actual parenting, and the household is miserable and not fun.

It's actually a terrible deal, and it's horrible for kids. (Internet search for "negative effects early daycare.") This should never have been normalized, IMO.

[–]Jubilee22218 points19 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is so true. As a new mom, floating around in mom groups, this is a huge dilemma for the vast majority of working mother's that aren't massively high wage earners. They literally barely make enough to.cover the expenses of working, but feel that they don't have any other choice.

As someone who worked in very high quality and expensive daycares, unless you are paying for absolute top of the line Montessori daycares or a private nanny, you're paying for mediocre care. For a room full.of.too many children and someone with a certificate and making $9/hour and doesn't have any better job prospects.

I've seen the drain on families as mother's try to keep getting up at night with a baby and go to work during the day. My child ended up having some medical.issues and we are endlessly grateful that I never planned to go back to work. Her neurologist said at six months old she was like a child who had been in an intensive PT program. She had never seen a PT. Just a nurse turned SAHM armed with Google working with her every day.

It has not been some dreamy walk in the park. My husband is a student and works part time. We make lots of.sacrifices to make it possible. I cloth diaper, cook a ton at home, have time to bargain shop and participate in co-ops to save on food money, we each have one credit card we pay off (we both have scores.over 750), we have one car, and do.things that are cheap and free. All of her clothes are thrifted and used, and so are many of her toys. They are high quality toys, I have time to look through the Facebook marketplace for good deals and drive out to get them. We got her a mini trampoline and indoor playset for $100 in perfect condition as an early Christmas present. Easily $600 worth of stuff. All because I'm stay home.

People don't know how to live this way anymore. Many of my young adult.peers have no idea how to cook, what grocery stores are cheapest, how to find a produce co-op, how to make healthy meals on a budget, or what things are never worth it to buy new. They aren't taught these things in the public school system, and which such a huge focus on academics, many of my peers lack basic life skills.

It's really a huge, systemic issue. It's part of the reason we want to homeschool actually. I want to teach my children how to cook, clean, grocery shop, thrift, financial management, entrepreneurship, communication and relationship skills, and so much at the public school system lacks. And when you're children are gone for eight hours plus a day and you get a quick dinner and bedtime routines with them when both parents work, you don't have teach them those kinds of.things. I've really witness a deep and systematic weakening of.the fabric of families.

It's sad and scary look at the whole picture.

[–]leftajar1 Star5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for sharing that, it sounds like you're really demonstrating how much value a crafty and committed SAHM can add to a household. There are other forms of value beyond direct earnings, ways of saving money that people don't think about.

I used to work in education, and after seeing what I saw, I will only ever do homeschooling. Good on you.

It's sad and scary look at the whole picture.

It does seem that way. The family is weaker than it's ever been.

[–]rosesonthefloor14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I mean... 20k is still 20k. And on a monthly basis can mean affording new clothes, shoes, other or other supplies for your kid/s vs not.

Unfortunately it’s just not actually feasible for most families to survive on one income, unless they were to live with the barest of necessities. We can wax poetic about the way things should have been, but that doesn’t change the current (North American) reality.

[–]leftajar1 Star15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

40 hours a week (plus 5-10 more commuting) for 20k though? That's literally $10/hour. And at a cost of your kids are in daycare with indifferent strangers?

I mean, I'm not trying to tell anybody what to do, I'm just saying when you break down the economics the second wage earner really isn't making that much money. and at a gigantic cost in family cohesion.

[–]rosesonthefloor9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I get what you’re saying, and you’re not wrong necessarily. It’s not a great deal, and I’m not saying it’s the ideal at all. I’m just saying it’s the reality many people face, unless you’re upper middle class or in a low COL area. Some second wage earners work 40hrs a week making less than $10/hr, but they still do so because they need to feed themselves and their children.

If it’s money they can live without, then that couple gets to decide together how the pros and cons of dual incomes or a single income work for their relationship. Some people need to work for their mental health, and for some, being home with their kids is the best way to stay mentally healthy.

Ideally I’d be able to stay home with my children, but only if it would be financially responsible to do so. The economics are a bit different for everyone.

Thanks for providing a different POV!

[–]Throwaway23030611 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think some women continue to work because it can be very challenging to rejoin the workforce after leaving for some number of years--and it's not uncommon for women to plan to go back to work at some point once the kids are older.

Many employers, especially in white collar, corporate jobs, will not look past a resume gap.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is part of the reason I started getting turned off from pursuing a career. I realized how dumb it would be to have children I never saw and spent nearly all of my salary for someone else to look after them.

Especially when there is little guarantee I'd even be able to find a daycare that shared my values.

I was lucky enough that my grandmother looked after me while my parents worked until my mom stayed home for a couple of years before working again. I remember missing her all day even when I had my grandmother to be with.

If I had to stick with the current career I have now it would solely be for the medical benefits and pension.

[–]IndividualVehicle13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm a SAHM and I have to tell you, it's not as jolly as people think it is.

[–]toastychihiro0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I was always a work outside the home mom and the grass looked greener, until I had the opportunity to be a SAHM.

It was not for me.

Ive always worked; I found I enjoyed working outside the home. I enjoyed pursuing a career and honestly I managed my time better when I was home with my kids because I had to make it count.

It would be great to have the opportunity for any woman to have the opportunity to do both because both have their benefits and drawbacks, but when you're on the one side and feel as if you don't have a choice to try the other it seems great.

[–]IndividualVehicle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I worked all my life up until 3 years ago, and it's not so much that I enjoyed working, it's that I enjoy leaving the house and being social and just being somewhere with other adults rather than my own four walls. I have lost all sense of self, I am just someones mom who has nothing to do but take care of the house and the kids. I love all the time I can spend with my babies but I am noticing I am getting mentally burnt out a lot quicker.

[–]LettingHimLead12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think I would have loved being a SAHM. When we started having kids, we were young and not making the money that was needed for me to do it. My career sort of took off, as did his, and now that I could do it, my kids are in middle and high school. And I work from home full time, so I still get to do school drop off and pick up, after school snacks, and hearing about their day. By the time they snack and do homework, I’m off work anyway. There just isn’t a need for me to be a SAHM anymore. I don’t hate my job, but I don’t necessarily love it. I’m in finance, and I know how beneficial the extra income is.

It’s just learning that, just because something doesn’t turn out the way you want it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. It’s just different.

[–]tirednurse9691 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a very refreshing take, thank you so much for sharing!

[–]-sosedka-5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have that feeling too, although I think I only want it for a year and then figure out how to go part time, unsure how to do it in tech though.

[–]TheLemming3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I work part time as an app developer. It's easy, just hop on upwork and start getting contracts

[–]nocreativity72910 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m not grinning and bearing it... I like my work, but I do plan to sit on my money and retire to raise my kids well in my mid 30s. I’ve always had that plan tho. No job is more fun than freedom, and I earn enough that it really doesn’t matter what he’s making by that time. Save. Your. Money.

[–]fuckoffyoudipshit25 points26 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thanks to no fault divorces and biased family courts no man in his right mind is going to want a SAHW because when the inevitable divorce hits him like a ton of bricks he gets to support her for the rest of (statistically most likely) his life.

To be clear: it is absolutely reasonable to expect that but thanks to no fault divorces it's just as easily a tool to have a guys money without having to keep him around.

Now of course not all women will do this. Lord knows not all women do this. That's why I find this sub so refreshing. But under the current circumstances every woman can absolutely destroy a man. You know what they say: the one that divorces you is never the one you married.

So please try to have more empathy for the men because getting married to a SAHM can bite a guy in the ass to the point of suicide so don't expect men to be all gung ho about the idea. Understand that men have interests too and the SAHM gig is not in any mans interest these days.

Also remember that, with few exceptions, women get to make that choice. Men almost never get to make that choice. For us it's almost always the provider role.

So that's my two cents, the perspective of a man in a long-term relationship who is confronted with precisely these very questions.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Totally understand where you're coming from. I used to work in an office that provided information about family court to the public and the stories I heard made my head spin. EDIT: That is part of how I first discovered TRP honestly. By looking up the negative affects of divorce on men.

It's just unfortunate that today's reality creates a system where the government/daycare/schools/relatives raise kids rather than their parents.

[–]fuckoffyoudipshit7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah there is nothing like a good divorce rape to redpill a man (and apparently some women too ,which is delightful)

It's just unfortunate that today's reality creates a system where the government/daycare/schools/relatives raise kids rather than their parents.

I think with women earning money themselves we are presented with a fantastic opportunity to involve more men into the raising of children, which in my opinion is desperately needed. But for that we need to stop seeing men as only providers. I know women like it because it gives them a lot of freedom, do i work or stay at home? Do I work part time or even less? Do I just volunteer somewhere and not take on the commitment of employment at all? These are questions you get to ask yourself because the man doesn't get to. He's the provider and often that means that's all he is.

It's just unfortunate that today's reality creates a system where the government/daycare/schools/relatives raise kids rather than their parents.

We may be wearing of topic but I don't think parents always know what's best (they are still people and people are flawed) or have the capacity to teach their children EVERYTHING they need. It takes a village after all. But I agree that children are better off if their parents (not JUST mothers) are more involved in their lives.

[–]LocalReligionMajor8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol, that's me! (Well, I'm in my last semester of college, but still). Planning on supporting my future husband through law school next year. Then, hopefully, I'll get pregnant, and leave my job after having the baby.

[–]FluffyLlamaPants1 Star7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That ship, unfortunately had sailed for me, so it'll just have to remain a dream I didn't get to live. It'll be just a meaningless carreer grind until retirement for me. And by carreer I'm talking about whatever job that pays the bills and is not too horrible to wake up to. C'est la vie.

It's alright, I have other dreams to fall back on.

Whoever makes it though - hope it gives you what you were looking for, cherish that place.

[–]PearlSunrise7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Me! I've told my boss that I plan to stay at home after my darling and I have kids and she laughed it off. Told me that marriage was a miserable mistake and that every day I would get home and sit in my car longer and longer to avoid going home to my kids.

I like working, I like learning and being engaged in such a detail oriented environment-- but I will NEVER tell anyone at work more about my dreams after that response.

I am planning on leaving work shortly after we get married, and her response really solidified my choice to grin and bear it through work up until it's time to go.

Anybody else have a similar situation with their boss? How are you handling it?

[–]-Raksu-3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wouldn't share my future plan/ideas with my boss. They could somehow use that info as a deciding factor in a decision.

[–]secret_4ever133 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm have grinded through my career till now and think about possibility of being a SAHM. However, I took a break last yr due to family emergency and to be honest, it feels bad to ask other people for money. I was not able to shop, enjoy nice drinks because I couldn't ask my family to pay (didn't had much savings). So, I have decided that I'll get in a field where WFH is possible long term and eventually create my office at home. But yes, I don't wanna loose my income, it can decrease, but never be null.

[–]transdermalcelebrity3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I guess I am a good luck story. I had a career until I was 31. I had been with my spouse since we were 18, but we didn’t get married until 25. Then it was my career and him going back to school for something that pays well. Once we were ready to have kids, we also paired that with a cross country move that we had been wanting for a long time. Once we settled in our new place, he started work and I became a housewife and eventually SAHM.

The learning curve was hard (how to get it all done) and I do far more at home than I ever did in my big city career. We’re comfortable (not rich) now but the early days were definitely difficult. The benefits to our daughter have been without question, so we all consider it exactly the lifestyle for us. But it’s definitely not sitting on a sofa, eating bon bons and planning picnics and tailgaters.

[–]-Raksu-2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love that last sentence!

[–]Internetmomo17 points18 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I don’t know how I ended in this sub but I want to add my two cents. I make 5x what my boyfriend makes (I work in tech and he’s a musician) and it’s pretty dang awesome. He cooks and cleans, makes me a smoothie every morning, makes sure that I can always get to and from my errands because I don’t drive. Maybe I’m a reverse red piller because I could get used to having a SAHH lol, is there a sub for that?!

[–]lemon_lips3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I find it wholesome that you show gratitude and he is present and giving. It sounds like you speak each others’ love language! It is a positive feedback loop that keeps on giving.

[–]PrincessTeex15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is what is becoming normalised. Women and men being put in opposite positions. I’m glad it works for you but as a whole, I think it’s detrimental.

[–]Internetmomo17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s a fair opinion. I think for me I was raised differently — my family is full of women who wanted to be stay at home moms, which is great until it isn’t. All their husbands cheated or divorced them leaving them with nothing. And because they never worked they couldn’t get a decent job. My mom is one of these people.

If you’ve had a privileged life of never seeing how terribly some men can treat women then I don’t want to force you to take off your rose tinted glasses, but I do think it’s important that a woman is self sufficient, and this doesn’t mean manipulating her husband into not signing a prenup.

[–]-sosedka-1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think it’s about balance! It’s wonderful you found yours!

[–]Internetmomo6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks girl, yeah I definitely agree what works for someone doesn’t work for another person. As long as everyone’s happy at the end of the day.

[–]Princess_Medusa2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I actually have the privileges of having a partner that could support me being a SAHM and being very well off financially myself from a family standpoint. However, I also have the privilege of having a real passion for my "career" which is material science. A little dream of mine is to become a university professor one day.

My partner would generally like to have me as a SAHM, but he knows that I need to be intellectually challenged to be happy, so the consensus would be working at university part time (I already work at university while studying) at least when the baby is little.

We're also actually trying for a baby, because our best time to have a child is probably now, because I've been studying extremely quickly (in order to save up time to have a child as early as possible) and in my country, having a child in university gives you a bunch of benefits with virtually no downsides.

I'm fairly positive that this is the best mix of my career and being a SAHM that's possible, because I can freely choose when I work my hours, which lectures I attend and which exams I take and with the time that I saved up, I can have a bunch of extra time for my child if I need it.

[–]healthyelegant1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

TW Loss: This is me 100%. I have no interest in work, but I have to keep face until we have a baby. The sad part is I was so damn close. I was supposed to be done in January 2021, but we unfortunately lost our son who was born at 21 weeks just 6 weeks ago. I just started back up at work this week and it's so upsetting. I begged my husband to just let me quit, but mentally I'm able to work and I have nothing else to do, so I'm just going to keep pegging on and hope we conceive our rainbow soon.

[–]dickens1021150 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m so sorry 💔

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Working extra hard so you can take care of your kids with or without a man >>>

Lately I’ve realized that I probably won’t get the life I want but that doesnt mean I need to be 50/50 and miserable. I would rather be alone than with a bad man. And my family will always be around to help. It’s my calling as a woman to raise good progeny and I’m not going to let men get in the way of that.

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link


[–]tirednurse9691 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a good and difficult question. If the man I am seeing has the same salary as you, and I have 100k annually, by the time kids are in the picture, it will be a tough sell to go down to one salary, regardless of my childhood dreams. This would have been possible when I was 18, but if I have kids in my 30s, the reality of things is truly different.

[–]katemarie_d1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The trick is to find a man who considers it a privilege to have a housewife, and to keep yourself mentally and physically occupied outside of the home.

My husband was clear that he wanted a housewife. He knows managing a family’s social life and home can be a full-time gig. However, I do spend a lot of time outside of the home, even without a job. I am active in volunteer and charity work that allows me to interact with “colleagues.” I have my own clubs and groups that give me something to talk about when he comes home from work.

Housewives are not possible if they are unwanted by the husband and keep themselves locked inside. Ladies, if it’s your calling to become a housewife, know that it is very possible to find a husband who shares your vision. Also know that an attractive and exciting housewife has interests outside of the home.

[–]-ladykitsune-0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would be what you consider one of those ‘career’ women. I’ll be honest I don’t enjoy the corporate environment, but I need the stability of my pay check. I used to be an artist and boy I can tell you not knowing when your next commission is and living the boho life was even more stressful to me.

While I would love it to one day start a family with a HVM, I would not want to be a SAHM, at least not permanently. I wouldn’t want to be financially dependent on someone else for the rest of my life, only for the first few years of my children’s lives.

Having a higher salary than average means that my dating pool is a lot narrower, because I want a man who makes similar money to me. I’m approaching my 30s and realise that as my salary climbs, the number of guys I consider eligible drop. I’ve (mostly) accepted that I’ll probably end up alone for the rest of my life.

But in my ideal world, I’ll start a family with a HVM and stay at home for the first few years of our children’s lives. Once my children start school I want to rejoin the workforce. Probably not as a high stress level job as the one I’m currently in. But it’s important to me that I make my own money. Stability is my core value, and I can’t feel stable or secure if I’m dependent on someone else.

[–]aussiedollface20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I always think a woman should have a back up plan financially in case things go south! So it’s good to have a passion and a career/qualification outside of the marriage. Just my 2c xoxox

[–]alpacaapril0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel the same. I would choose a career path suited for leaving when kids are on the way. I never accepted a man, who would send me to work with (small) children at home. But in case of emergency my education is timeless and useful and I could have a job again when my children are older, leave the house :)

My grandmother is a SAHW since she is 20. Of course, their wealth grew over the decades, too. But she once calculated for me how having one staying at home is actually saving more money than 2 people working. In the end, 2 people working can have more material luxury but they have less freetime and less time with their children. (And time is money.)

[–]BlueSteamedBunAttack0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Me! But I already talked with my bf and he agreed to it, we are working very hard towards it :)

[–]withwhimsyandgrace0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I know some will say being a SAHW or SAHM is not realistic in our current times, but it is doable if you and your (future) husband have the right priorities. My husband and I didn’t live together before getting married, and I had a career and was college-educated, but I stopped working when we got married so we never were accustomed to the lifestyle that having two incomes can bring. We both drive modest vehicles, live in a modest but safe and family-friendly community, and I homeschool our oldest son. We don’t do expensive yearly trips, our son doesn’t do expensive sports/extracurricular activities, and we don’t do expensive outings or eat out. It’s so worth it to be home though and the biggest blessing to watch your kids grow ☺️

[–]trad123t1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I agree completely. Say, I’ve read some of your comments, and I think they’re really insightful. Mind if I PM you?

[–]withwhimsyandgrace0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]IcarusKiki0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nah I’m actually really like working at my current internship (a zoo!). But I would never want to live to climb the corporate ladder.

[–]RiseAndPanic0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have mixed feelings on this. While I think it’s ideal to have at least one parent at home during the kids’ younger years (whether that’s the mom or the dad), I’ve seen the SAHM thing backfire super badly in my own family. In each case the husband is abusive or cheats and the wife has no career, prospects, or money to fall back on so she feels forced to stay. Now maybe this is a vetting issue but either way, I absolutely don’t want that to be my reality. I have a solid career trajectory currently and one that is thankfully flexible when it comes to hours and working from home, so this shouldn’t be an issue when kids are in the picture.

Anyway, I think unless your husband makes a ton of money or you live in a low cost/rural area, being a SAHM just isn’t as realistic as it used to be.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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