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Best way to respond when Captain says "I need to make more money for you"?

January 5, 2018
25 upvotes

Hi ladies :)

Just really curious what your thoughts are.

Fortunately, I read the bulk of RP theories before I even met my boyfriend, so our relationship is going great. My birthday is coming up, and he has booked reservations well in advance. He was eager to tell me where we're going because the place is really nice, but I mentioned I prefer keeping it as a surprise. Then he said, "I have to start making more money to keep taking you to fancy places."

I doubt he was complaining. He said the above sentence with a positive tone and a huge smile on his face! However, thanks to BP conditioning or what have you, I ALMOST said "I can pay for my half, and we don't need to go somewhere fancy." Thank goodness I didn't say that!

But I didn't know what to say, so I was awkwardly silent for a few seconds, then said (enthusiastically) "you've taken me to so many amazing places!" Then we start small talk about restaurants in our area. He retained his good mood, and the rest of the night was normal.

I feel like I responded to this situation neutrally, but not super well. What's a great way to respond in this situation? How would you respond, or how have you responded when your SO said something similar?

Thanks so much!

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Post Information
Title Best way to respond when Captain says "I need to make more money for you"?
Author LeilaintheDark
Upvotes 25
Comments 21
Date January 5, 2018 12:37 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/best-way-to-respond-when-captain-says-i-need-to.74035
https://theredarchive.com/post/74035
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7o7by5/best_way_to_respond_when_captain_says_i_need_to/
Comments

[–]eucalyptus181823 points24 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You're an amazing woman who builds him up, and he naturally wants to be ever better for you. Don't try to put a damper on this for the sake of modesty. Your replies to statements like this should have a few components:

1) Express faith in his ability to grow/do better, 2) Express that you love being with him, 3) Express appreciation that he spoils you - witj a specific statement of what you liked

"I want to earn more so I can take you to more fancy places!" "You know, are so good at X, I know you can go as far as you want at that company. I really have really enjoyed all the time we have been able to spend together. That unicorn steak we had at that fancyschmancyplace blew my mind, I didn't even know unicorns existed!"

So long as you keep being enthusiastic and awesome about low key dates, too, you don't need to worry that he will somehow get the message you ONLY want fancy dates. So, you don't need to make any humble statement like, "a steakhouse is nice but I am happy wherever we go" - that statement won't make him feel bad but he won't glow with pride either. He already knows you like your simpler dates (right?) so all he needs now is simple gratitude and admiration for the fancy ones.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What a perfect response! Your comment makes so much sense, and is consistent with the few books I've read. I intuitively knew I missed a great opportunity to show appreciation (I was using all my energy biting my lip from saying the thing I almost said haha). Fortunately I have been showing lots of appreciation for all the time we spend together.

I've been trying to conquer the last leg of my self-esteem problem, and I suddenly internally panicked about being a burden etc. The truth is that I DO have faith he can do whatever he sets his mind to. Thanks so much, and I'll remember your comment when similar situations pop up!

[–]Blueeyeddd 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Which books is it that you’ve read?

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The Surrendered Single, Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood, Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus, For Women Only.

[–]Cardiscappa11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Along with what everyone else has said, I'll add: spend his money wisely. Do not insult him by ordering the cheapest item on your birthday dinner (happy birthday!), but don't also have a hay day and choose all the most expensive items.

Graciously accept his gift of spending money on you, it will make him feel masculine. Graciously spend his money economically and it will make him feel like he's made a smart investment in being with you.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You know what, thanks for the tip. I'm actually prone to ordering the cheapest item! Like I have no issue spending my own money on myself, but I tend to feel awkward/underserving when others spend on me (a mindset I've been consciously curbing). Just my inner emotional stuff that's a work in progress.

And thanks for the bday wish! :)

[–]SouthernAthenaEndorsed Contributor12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Just say something nice and true, like "it's so sweet how thoughtful you are" or "I love how well you treat me."

As much as you may be tempted to say "oh I don't need X!" to seem low maintenance, this just invalidates his attempt to show his love for you. Good on you for avoiding this! Better to have a brief awkward moment and then a neutral comment than to make him feel like he can't do anything right.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Argh I didn't even think of the invalidation aspect but it's so true! I'm doubly glad I avoided that now. Thanks for your perspective :)

[–]lafleur009 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I probably would have said something along the lines of “I have such a wonderful time with you no matter what we are doing!” Acknowledges that you love fine dining with him, but also love staying in or doing free activities!

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ah smart. And it's true, I do love any activity with him! Thanks!

[–]Neuroentropic_Force2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You did really well. You responded with gratitude. Something both partners should show for eachother when they provide for the needs of the other.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Say you're happy with him no matter what, but you're so flattered by how sweet he is to you! Don't at all act like you need it or demand it, but be all smiley and sweet at him for saying it. Don't deflect it or say you don't need anything! That is rejecting him. But receive it gracefully, because the sentiment behind it is good.

Trust me, when a guy has that overwhelming urge to get you nice things and take you nice places, that's a very good sign about how he feels. So be glad he's very into you.

[–]TheLaughingRhino 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Just really curious what your thoughts are.

Then he said, "I have to start making more money to keep taking you to fancy places."


A couple of things

A) He either believes a failure to maintain a certain financial lifestyle will end the relationship ( Most likely case)

or

B) He's testing you ( Less likely, but more likely to happen with a man established with financial resources and somewhat "game aware")

On the Red Pill side, there is the discussion of "shit tests" On the flip side, nearly all men give some version of financial shit tests. Even Blue Pill plugged in men do it instinctively. Most have no idea they are doing it. Though most don't know how to unpack or break down the results of it as well.

From a survival instinct/biological imperative, my best perception it will derive from the male wanting to assess the loyalty basis for any potential children. If the village is attacked, will you run to just save yourself? Or will you run and pick up the shared child and then try to save you both, even at risk for yourself? While it seems natural and intuitive that the latter is the default behavior, it is not. I've seen it first hand, both men and women, will leave their children behind to save their own lives.

There is the classic story of the woman who is fleeing and needs to cross a bridge, she has a pig with her, and a child. The gatekeeper of the bridge says, you can only cross with one, not both. With looming threat behind her, and needing to flee, she chooses the pig. The gatekeeper asks her why, she says, I can have another child, but without the pig, I'll stave and die.

A baseline example of a simple financial shit test for a woman would be for the male to give her an extremely nice gift. Very generous. Then later give her a gift that would be considered, by material perception, to be "mediocre" ( I don't see it as this way, to me, a gift is a gift, big or small, but I'm discussing the social/material general perspective most people will have on it) He'll be looking for a reaction, if he's game aware. If he can discern it, he will either dump her in time or reduce her to plate status silently.

I don't believe most women understand male financial shit tests. I think many think they do, in part because most men do them but don't understand how to use them or what they mean, it's just an instinctive response, but in reality, most high value men use them to dramatically cull the herd. I've seen several social situations where the woman doesn't realize she's gone from marriage potential to literally nothing, in the span of a few minutes.

A man can only be one of two things. Either "Captain Material" or "Not Captain Material"

If a man says this and he's not Captain Material, then he's saying, without probably even knowing, that he believes the relationship is transactional. The danger to you is this cuts both ways. A man who believes a financial benchmark needs to be held to hold a relationship will often unpack that by a covert contract regarding a woman's looks/age/weight/physical SMV.

If a man says this and he is Captain Material, he's testing you. In this case, the response he is looking for is to see if you start paying for things unsolicited in a reciprocal fashion. And then observing if its virtue signaled in any way ( i.e . if the woman tells her friends how she spoils her man with things or she keeps bringing up to him on the nice thing she's done for him)

Maybe at some point, I'll start a top level post about financial shit tests. Because it's one of the sort of rare things where man will see a woman as wife material in one moment, then when she fails the test in his eyes, will be reduced to a plate or someone to just pass the time with for now. In most things, men will operate a "gradient" , meaning it has to be a series of things over time to make a decision, but not usually with financial shit tests. They are like nukes, you push the button and boom, everything is wiped out.

Good luck.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your perspective. He is definitely Captain material :) and I adore him.

Looking back with your post in mind, perhaps he did do these tests, probably subconsciously. Soon after we became exclusive, he took me to Subway :D and I was just as happy. I didn't mention it in my main post, but I do pick up the tab occasionally, as in pay for both of us. I do this by sometimes asking him if I should pay, and he sometimes says yes, sometimes no. When I get the bill, I still thank him for taking me out. Also his Christmas gift took a lot of time but not money, and I love it!

So I respect your insight on financial tests. I just feel like the instance in my main post was not one. It seemed like he was just genuinely happy and proud to be taking me somewhere nice, and also expressing his ambitions for the future.

He's also only 2 years older than me, and has been looking for a new job anyway since before he met me. As for me, I don't make a lot of money now, but thankfully I have zero debt and an education, and I've also been looking for a better job :)

[–]procrast1natrix1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I really appreciate the perspective of not invalidating his gesture, even if it's not too your taste. I don't have much use for fancy restaurants (I love fine food, would rather splurge on ingredients and cook together).

The way I've expressed this to my husband is "What a very special and luxurious meal, this was a great experience to share with you." And later, on a different day, "I think it is fun to make a point of sampling all the variety our city has, have we checked out the yelp fave for pizza, best family Italian, best sushi? " Or we try to double the experience by reproducing it at home. I made pasta puttanesca, then we found a place that serves it. I think the main weakness is that I'm planning a lot of the fun here, but the strength is that I'm reinforcing that the common ingredient is him.

Topic number two: finances After ten years together, during which my husband made very good money but we lived very frugally (dressed our kids mostly at the thrift, shared one bedroom, etc) because we wanted zero debt and we were investing in my education, I have started to earn more than him. This year, twice as much. This is a delicate topic. It's starting to maybe make sense for him to not keep his mainstream job any longer. From my perspective, I feel as though he picked out a nice investment property (me) and spent ten years laboriously improving it with large amounts of time and money. I'm finally starting to give a good return on that investment. In my mind he has every right to my salary, as without it I'd not be where I am, or would have a crippling student loan. I'm meticulous about crediting him in large and small ways, and defer to him in matters of large scale financial planning.

I really believe that it's the attitude, and not the name on the direct deposit to the house account, that makes it ok. He feels my sincerity. He's not constitutionally capable of freeloading. I'm hoping he has the emotional room to leave a stable job that he doesn't love, in order to have the time to develop other passive income streams (investments) and make us even more secure.

[–]MadamePenumbra1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

“Well, just be sure not to work too hard. You gotta be ready for what awaits at home.” Then wiggle your eyebrows.

[–]Blueeyeddd 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Why is it bad to say that we don’t need to go on fancy dates? Or I can pay half? I’m just afraid that a guy will find me a gold digger if I don’t pay.

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Well, no one NEEDS to go on fancy dates, and almost all women are capable of paying half, but a lot of men want you to appreciate them for what they can and are willing to do FOR you. Also, it's an issue of trusting his judgment, including budgeting skills. You trust that he has good judgment, so that he won't see you as a gold digger (if you aren't one). You trust that he has good judgment, and he wants to spend HIS money on taking you somewhere nice.

This actually reminds me of a time when he spent a lot of money on one of his hobbies, and his friend asked me incredulously, "did you know he spent so much money on this!?" And I said sure I know. Just as I would never think to question him spending his own money on his own hobby, I'm realizing I also shouldn't question him spending his own money on me.

[–]Blueeyeddd 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

But do you still offer to pay sometimes? Maybe I just have a problem receiving. I don’t have a problem receiving with everything. But compliments and money I aren’t the best at receiving. From my parents sure, but from people I don’t know I feel bad or like I owe them. Same if someone does something super nice I feel bad if I don’t give back. I was kind of dating this guy and he helped me with so many things, like advice and stuff like that and I felt so bad because I wasn’t helping him. But I just think guys like figuring out those stuff themselves. But I should probably get better at receiving since I want to be with a masculine guy and all that. And receiving is a feminine trait.

When you said that when you say those things like “we don’t have to go on a fancy date” that it can look as you don’t trust his financial skills was a really good point!

[–]LeilaintheDark[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think of it like... imagine you spent a while picking out a gorgeous dress, putting on makeup, doing your hair, and instead of saying "you look beautiful," the man says something like "you don't have to wear nice things for me to love you." - While it's a sweet sentiment, and might be true, wouldn't you rather your man admire and enjoy your beauty?

I do offer to pay sometimes, but I feel like I'll start doing this less and less because I get the sense he doesn't really like it. I'll continue buying groceries and cooking for him occasionally :)

[–]lunatic_in_the_hall-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I probably would have said "You don't need to spend lots of money on me to make me happy", or something along those lines. I'm not one to really want to be pampered or to induldge in expensive things.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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