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Boyfriend putting me on a pedestal

vanBeethovenLudwig
March 1, 2017
11 upvotes
/r/RedPillWomen

So I've hit a stage with my boyfriend where I'm doing an excellent job of being an awesome girlfriend - I dress nicely, work out regularly, am pleasant, supportive, respectful, interesting, hardworking, etc. And he's responding very well to me - being protective and caring and leading the way. He's also starting to confide more in me his dreams and ambitions because I have his trust.

While our relationship is going well, I'm still not the perfect woman. AWALT, I still have my mood swings and anxieties and self criticism. I'm pretty good at dealing with it myself but lately I have not been able to STFU as well as usual.

I feel like my boyfriend is putting me on an angelic pedestal because I'm generally happy and peaceful and gracious, which is ideally what a RPW wants and I'm certainly not complaining. But sometimes I do feel whenever I have a serious anxiety, he's dismissing it because 1) compared to his problems, my problems are literally nothing, and 2) He doesn't want to see me in any other mood than happy.

I do realize in the long run - when he's dealing with people not paying him thousands of dollars vs me being self-conscious because I have small boobs and he comes from a culture that has big breasted women - his problems are definitely the bigger ones. But I can't help feeling bad when he says things like "you have everything you want and you still complain." Which is true, I am very fortunate with what I have and I should probably learn to be more comfortable in my skin (most of my problems are self confidence or physical appearance problems).

Any thoughts? I've also just been in a really terrible mood lately, like extra self critical, etc.

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Post Information
Title Boyfriend putting me on a pedestal
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 11
Comments 46
Date March 1, 2017 7:16 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boyfriend-putting-me-on-a-pedestal.87037
https://theredarchive.com/post/87037
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5wy1jz/boyfriend_putting_me_on_a_pedestal/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (34 children) | Copy Link

I've also just been in a really terrible mood lately, like extra self critical, etc.

What's up, buttercup?

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (32 children) | Copy Link

I don't know!!! I feel like I'm great at self-improvement but it gets to the point where I can be too perfectionist. Lately I've been picking at my appearance - not just controllable factors like weight but even my eye shape and nose shape and skin etc. I know my boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful and he tells me that but I feel really ugly all the time.

I keep telling myself - OK so what happens if I do have the beauty that I want? What changes? Not really anything, because I already have an amazing boyfriend who likes me for me, and a good job with a good salary and little responsibilities and lots of freedom. Nothing would change if I suddenly woke up looking like Eva Mendes. I have everything already.

I think I'm just going through some depression. I'm trying really hard to snap out of it but it seems to be really difficult and I've had a long history of depression as well.

[–]Willow-girl10 points11 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

What is your mission in life? I have found it's the mission that keeps me grounded and moving in a positive direction.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Hmmmm, that's a good idea! I think I did lose sight of my mission.

I think the only long-term mission I have is to have a family of my own someday. Also, my boyfriend and I have talked about building an orphanage in Africa (where we both used to live), that one is very long-term of course.

I've got some short-term missions though, a new project regarding Arab music (living in an Arab country right now) and trying to apply for an opera festival in Southern Europe. And weightlifting, working on a booty building routine.

I think part of the problem is I live in a Utopia where the culture is built on consumerism and hedonism and I've really lost sight of reality. And it's strange because I have everything and can literally do anything I want but I can't put myself to it. It's a common problem in my country (depression and laziness).

I think that did help a bit, perhaps I should write a goal list tonight. Thank you dear xx

[–]thisisnotforyou_ points points [recovered] | Copy Link

It sounds to me like you have some mild depression/anxiety! I have something similar at the moment, and it's not extreme enough to really warrant medication. As I already exercise and eat healthy, that doesn't tend to make me feel better, but I've seen an improvement since taking vitamin D. I am also in a similar situation that I don't socialise very much at the moment, as for one year we are living in an area where there are literally no people our age. It is hard to only socialise with my boyfriend and have no one else close to talk to face to face. I have signed up to exercise classes like power yoga to help a little and I go to the local film club - although still no people my age, I feel a little better for it.

On evenings when I feel like I'm getting too into my head, I put relaxing music on or happy Disney film or something and I do some drawing (I come from an art background) or colouring in! I bought one of those super intricate colouring books for adults, and although I think it a little silly, the concentration it requires completely takes my mind off my anxieties.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Listening to music is a good idea! I should do more of that. I always listen to music at the gym and it lifts my mood up. Thanks for the reminder :)

It's also been difficult socially for me - I have a few girlfriends but there's difficulty with some of them. One of them is going through her husband's affair so she always just wants to talk about it. Another friend is kind of a SJW feminist so I don't like to spend that much time with her. Another friend is jealous of me because I have a boyfriend and she doesn't, and she's always trying to one up me.

I do have a few friends who are just good to hang out with (read: not talk about problems and just enjoy) so I'll try to hang out more with them.

[–]Willow-girl1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And it's strange because I have everything and can literally do anything I want but I can't put myself to it.

You're welcome!

I can relate to what you're saying because I sometimes felt similarly when I was married to my last husband. He was wealthy so I didn't really have to do anything ... not even clean the house! (He would have been happy to keep his housecleaners but I was horrified and made him fire them, LOL.) I wouldn't give up my job, though, because I was terrified of slipping into some kind of amorphous soul-sucking ennui. I have too much old-fashioned Protestant work ethic for my own good, LOL.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Do the winters being shorter, darker days where you live? (Is it even winter?) You might try vitamin D as a supplement or cod liver oil.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Actually, I live in a sunny country, but I don't go out into the sun very often. I've been trying to take more walks during the day during work, I think it's helping. I might take some vitamin D as well. I think part of the problem is I don't socialize so much outside of work (because I'm a teacher so my job is very social) and that's when I start getting into my head.

I've been making pretty good efforts to go to the gym though so that's good, and trying to read a book. I notice if I can't sit down and read a book, my head is not in the right place!

Thank you again for your caring thoughts xx

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I hope it gets better soon! We all have those trying times in our lives but they do end. Also, just because other ppl have bigger problems or worries does not invalidate yours. I live in America, I'm aware there are people with MUCH bigger problems than I, but I'm still allowed to have a bad day.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you! I'm getting better at controlling my moods and anxieties. You're so wonderful and supportive, lucky to have you here xx

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

<3

[–]infinitesnowflake points points [recovered] | Copy Link

I have struggled with a lot of these issues myself, depression and low self confidence despite how I knew my boyfriend felt about me. I found often when I was feeling down for other reasons, my looks were the first thing I would start to feel bad about and it became a downward spiral.

Part of how I got through it was just learning to trust him and how he feels about me so I don't care how others look in comparison but I do think having /finding a strong identity in yourself is important too. It may be that while you have a lot of plans, if you aren't yet able to bring those plans to fruition you could be internalizing feelings that you aren't accomplishing what you want. I think goal setting and making realistic plans for getting to where you want to be can help alleviate those feelings, if that might be part of it. You could try making a list or flow chart with milestones of achievements leading to your end goal /goals which will allow you to recognize success along the way.

Another thing that helped by own body image was by learning to appreciate the beauty in others around me. It sounds cheesy but when I started to look at people without filtering it through the eyes of the media idea of how we should look I also felt better about myself.

Sorry if this is totally off the mark, I hope you are able to find something that helps!

I am glad there is a place like this to talk about these things, I wish I had found this earlier in life!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

OP, this advice about noticing beauty in other women is GOLD. As women we're naturally judgmental about our own looks, but part of it is that we're also judging other women's looks.

When you pass strangers and try to pick out one thing about them that's lovely you start to realize that no one sees the little stuff that you agonize over in front of the mirror. Just today I interacted with a middle aged woman in a store, if we're being objective I suppose she was a little overweight and she looked firmly middle aged, but what I noticed was her eyes. She had this undeniable twinkle in her eyes and her whole expression was just so happy and warm, like I could imagine her baking cinnamon roles and just doling them out happily. Her tone of voice was so calming and she just made you feel so instantly at ease! I loved her! I couldn't help but smile at her, and I noticed that everyone else in the store immediately lit up when they saw her.

You as a person aren't just the sum of your imperfections. Start seeing beauty in all its forms and focus a little less on your reflection. I think you'll feel better.

[–]infinitesnowflake points points [recovered] | Copy Link

This is a great example and better clarification of what I was trying to say.

I think we often underestimate our man's capacity to combine our inner beauty with our outer beauty into something greater than we could ever see ourselves. Before I found RPW and earlier on in my relationship I once pestered my SO with questions about what he might think when seeing other beautiful women and he stressed how even if they were attractive, it's such an empty thing that it hardly grabs his attention if he does notice it at all.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I used to be a little overweight, but I've gotten in pretty good shape the past year so I think that's why I'm extra self-conscious - because for the first time I actually feel attractive. I also have a good paying job for the first time and have money to spend on clothes, again, now I'm extra self-conscious of how I dress - because I can actually afford things and make good style decisions. I think that's where the pressure comes from. Also, he comes from a culture where a lot of women are very dressed up...more pressure. He's used to looking at pretty women and they're everywhere where he lives. I think these three reasons made me really critical of myself lately.

Although, the interesting thing is that he's not friends with any of those so-called dressed up pretty women! Like his friends circle has a sporty and hipster style, not posh with stilettos.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, it's helpful to know I'm not alone. I think I need to stop looking in the mirror so much. Especially in bad lighting, ugh, haha. And I'm really glad I can talk to women who won't tell me my boyfriend's being mean or lame!

I do realize I should try to be more trusting and "innocent" so I'm trying to get out of my head more. I think sometimes I feel bombarded with too much stimulation that I enjoy being alone and quiet, but then I'm anxious that I'm coming off as aloof. Just an example of another anxiety.

The good thing is I know this isn't the real me - it's just a cloud of depression hovering over me - I know I'm a better woman than this. It's just a funk I need to get out of.

[–]infinitesnowflake points points [recovered] | Copy Link

I hear you about looking too much, at some point we have to accept what we have and acknowledge they are with us for qualities we may not recognize in ourselves but that's easier said than done! Even if you do get to that point, it's always possible to have low days but I think it helps to recognize other things in your life that aren't related to looks and that you can be proud of.

It's good that you recognize this isn't normal for you, but i don't think you should think of it as though you are at fault and better than this. Actual depression is a chemical imbalance that can sometimes go away on its own but often does need treatment. As others have suggested you could try increasing your vitamin D and B12 which may help alleviate some types of depression (though I'm not sure if this is based on real science) but if this feeling persists you might want to think about speaking to a doctor about it.

Do you do any meditation or yoga? This has always helped me to try to stay mindful and calm, even during crazy times of my life. Doing that alone won't get rid of those thoughts but may put you in a better place to work on those feelings you are having. There are lots of YouTube videos and apps out there to help you get started if you haven't already.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I did remember that I tend to have low energy due to B-complex and iron levels so I'll be taking some supplements again, as well as vitamin D.

I do meditate already but part of my anxiety is also feeling like I should be talkative like most women. I'm actually very quiet and serene. I'm afraid of coming off as boring. Which is also silly because my boyfriend loves me for my serenity but I feel pressure from society and also other women to be more outgoing, etc.

Thanks again, I'll try to remember my other good qualities besides my looks. I know I have a lot but just need to get back into the right head space!

[–]infinitesnowflake points points [recovered] | Copy Link

I am an introvert so I can understand the pressure to be more talkative and outgoing. Over the years I have learned techniques to engage more with others, such as learning to ask questions and showing interest in other's opinions. This goes a long way to starting up a conversation and making the other person feel appreciated. You probably already do this with your SO but it might be something to keep in mind. I think a lot of men tire of someone who is too chatty however, particularly if the talk is not of substance. I imagine your SO appreciates that what you do talk about is thoughtful and of quality rather than wishing you talked his ear off all the time. You can still be feminine and bubbly and cheerful through actions, while being straight to the point about what you say.

If you're interested in reading about the good side of being an introvert and how to harness the strengths of it, a really great book that was introduced to me in a literacy class is 'Quiet' by Susan Cain.

Edit : I meant to include that for me and my SO, there are often times we sit together and there is not much conversation but we are comfortable with that now and it's nice to be able to do so. I think one thing that's helped us have more to talk about is just finding common interests or making the effort to take part in an interest of the other. This gives you a common ground to speak about your experiences and can lead to finding more topics of interest that you share. There was also an interesting askreddit the other day about questions you ask if there's an awkward silence. Some suggestions were pretty lame but it might be fun to keep a few things like that in the back of your mind for when you need it.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Actually I have read that book! It's been a while though, so maybe I should re-read it.

Regarding being silent with my boyfriend - I know he loves me for my tranquility and serenity. I think I'm just insecure because whenever he's with friends (male or female) he's very talkative and he just seems to enjoy their extroversion. Like I stayed at his family's home for a few days and his brother's girlfriend is a very talkative girl and she basically leads the conversation at the whole table. But I'm not like that, so then when we were eating by ourselves it seemed so...quiet...especially after being with the brother and the girlfriend for a few days. So then I felt like I was boring, does that make sense?

Anyways, I think I just have to remember why he likes me for me. He always tells me I'm his battery charger and how I'm so easygoing and pleasant...so I know I shouldn't feel pressure to be entertaining.

[–]fourpillar1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

One approach that has been helpful for some women is to decide that they don't get to make the decision about their own appearance; their man does. Whether that's for you or not is up to you to decide, but it can help take that feeling of responsibility off of your shoulders, which is what causes a lot of the things that you're describing here.

Best of luck either way.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Hmm, yes that's interesting. I haven't asked my boyfriend specifically about it but I have a feeling if I did ask him to make decisions for me, he would tell me I'm being insecure. For me I wouldn't mind if he did but knowing him, I don't think he would like it...which might sound strange.

[–]fourpillar2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

To clarify one point: What I mean isn't to actually go ask him and then go off of what he says. What I mean is that if he finds you attractive, then you follow that. This is what I mean by you don't get to decide if you look good; he does, etc.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Aaaah ok, I understand now. That makes a lot more sense. In terms of my natural beauty I know he thinks I'm beautiful, but then I'm also insecure about clothing. He comes from a culture of fashion and sophistication and he's pretty judgmental on women's dress.

[–]Eosei0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

Is it then something that you're picking up from the way he talks about or reacts to other women? How is he being judgmental?

I mean, that is different from you having low self-esteem, if it's not solely from you. I mean, sure it's still about how you're letting your environment affect you, do you trust him to not turn his judgmental side on you or do you even think it'll be good if he ever does, I don't know, put I think you could also talk with your bf about it.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

I think it's a combination of me picking up on what he talks about and also my own self confidence.

For example we were watching some silly TV show the other day. There was a Colombian women prancing around in a bikini and she had the firmest body and perfect breasts. Anyways my boyfriend perked up and was staring at the screen saying "gosh what a crazy body" and looking at me and laughing.

It obviously made me really insecure because I feel like he doesn't gawk at me the way he gawks at supermodels and I would like him to. So here I am trying to impress him or get his attention. But on the other hand, I do realize that all men look and looking doesn't mean he wants to have a relationship with them. Looking at other women is very superficial. It occurs for a few seconds and then it's over. He's not trying to ask for their number, he's not taking them home - I'm the one he chooses to take home. And no one can hide from beautiful women - they're everywhere.

I also know that there's a superficial beauty (physical) and an inner beauty (peaceful) and for him he puts more emphasis on inner beauty. Because he's dated some very beautiful women before but told me there was no chemistry with them. So I do know he's not just a phallus centric buffoon. But I just can't help feeling bad when he gawks at other women because he's not doing it to me. I feel like if he gave me the same amount of attention I wouldn't feel so low about myself.

Also, he's pretty physically perfect. He's tall, muscular but lean, has good skin, handsome face...he's definitely a lot better looking than me. So then sometimes I'm also insecure why he's dating me. I'm not ugly, but I can honestly say I'm 2-3 points lower than him on the scale. I guess I just wish he would pedestalize my physical beauty too. But I think I'm asking for too much...

[–]Eosei1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I'd like to hear what others have to say to this. I think his behavior is not ok, he is overestimating your toughness and underestimating his impact on you. His idea of your durability is wrong.

I remember on an entirely different conversation someone very not RPW (haha, very not RPW) saying that their problem is that by being very easy going and being at ease with, not hiding their flaws, they give the impression that they're unmovable by anyone's criticism and actually - end up on a pedestal in a relationship. They've tried to be open about any issues they may have instead of acting their best ("take it or leave it" style) to avoid anyone falling for them imagining they're a superhuman and pedestalizing them as a flawless icon and then having to deal with letting those expectations down and risking getting hurt. But by them doing just that, other people perceive them as someone who has no weaknesses, who can take anything. And while they may not be fazed by criticism or even attacks by other people normally, when they're in a relationship they actually have certain insecurities and are sensitive to criticism from their loved one, which is very human because emotional connection should be based on vulnerability, and if there's no hurt (or possibility of), then there's no vulnerability.

But this person was frustrated about how to deal with that situation, because, I guess, they may make the other person feel bad for having been a jerk, or in some cases the other person may not accept their vulnerability and ends up abandoning them for not being the iconic creature they seemed to be. I think the only way to deal with that is just bite the bullet and be vulnerable, trust that the person you love does not want to be a jerk to you, that they are just misinformed, and that they would fix their behavior if they knew. Being vulnerable should be a good thing, and it should spark a feeling of protectiveness in him, especially if you can reveal the core of your insecurity and not like throw a tantrum (you won't throw a tantrum I'm sure).

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I'd also like to hear some other's thoughts too, maybe from some of the men. I have a feeling that he thinks that I'm so beautiful that it wouldn't hurt my feelings if he looks at another woman, does that make sense??

If you were Jessica Alba's boyfriend and she caught him looking at some girl on the street, would that make her feel bad? Probably not, because she's Jessica Alba and her boyfriend is damn lucky to take her home with him. I think that's my boyfriend's logic.

[–]c_a_l_m1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bless you.

[–]jeezydasnowman3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your self-consciousness is only a turn-off if you vocalize it, or let it put you "down in the dumps" to the point where he can detect it. Try to compartmentalize your low self-esteem - recognize you have low confidence but keep it in its own box to worry about later. Cliché, but "live in the moment", not your background insecurities - they don't matter.

[–]akru30002 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

sooo....whats the problem?

[–]LookingForMySelf2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

You basically need reassurance and confidence and bigger brests seem like a tool not the end.

Right?

I do realize in the long run - when he's dealing with people not paying him thousands of dollars vs me being self-conscious because I have small boobs and he comes from a culture that has big breasted women - his problems are definitely the bigger ones.

But you have to do something about your problems because if you just repress them you will become resentful and bitter.

But I can't help feeling bad when he says things like "you have everything you want and you still complain."

Could there be a lack of connections? Nobody likes people complaining(SADLY!) because by complaining they don't solve anything but still keep doing that. What about you working in this issue? Maybe if you get a better connection you will help him and then when you have more confidence in a relationship, breasts will stop matter.

Any thoughts? I've also just been in a really terrible mood lately, like extra self critical, etc.

Hit a good(possibly redpilled) therapist right now. Don't wait, just to get it off your chest.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Could there be a lack of connections? Nobody likes people complaining(SADLY!) because by complaining they don't solve anything but still keep doing that. What about you working in this issue? Maybe if you get a better connection you will help him and then when you have more confidence in a relationship, breasts will stop matter.

The more I think about it, the more I think it's my own problem/insecurity/moodiness. Because he shows me he cares in virtually every way. I think I'm just being a princess and I want someone to worship me (like even more than he does currently) but if I think carefully, if he worships me to a disgusting degree, I know I'll be turned off because then he'll be a beta. I know this because I've dated some betas worshippers before.

I think it's just my lack of maturity and lack of control on emotions. He never complains to me about me and always tells me I'm the best ever.

[–]LookingForMySelf1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I think it's my own problem/insecurity/moodiness

It's almost always is our own state sadly.

I think I'm just being a princess and I want someone to worship me (like even more than he does currently) but if I think carefully if he worships me to a disgusting degree, I know I'll be turned off because then he'll be a beta.

You are very conscious about it like a RedPillWoman should be.

I think it's just my lack of maturity and lack of control on emotions. He never complains to me about me and always tells me I'm the best ever.

Look, there is probably some stuff in your past that just fires up and makes you feel that way no matter what happens. It can be fixed and it will change your life, and his life too btw. This thing is there taking your life, time and energy. Battering yourself:

my lack of maturity; lack of control on emotions; princess

won't help. It just get's you even more tired on top of how you already feel. You need to understand that your brain has a reason to do that. It screams in your face that there is an issue. Cheer up, research, fix it. I can give you a tip on who can be almost guaranteed to do that but with enough skepticism, you can manage it.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Battering yourself won't help. It just get's you even more tired on top of how you already feel. You need to understand that your brain has a reason to do that. It screams in your face that there is an issue.

Yeah, I think this is the underlying issue. I realize I can act this way and whenever I do I'm apologetic to my boyfriend. I think I'm being RPW by being modest and realizing my mistakes but I think it's getting to a point where it's becoming self-deprecating and that's where my boyfriend is starting to have issues (he'll say things like "I don't like it when you put yourself down" when I argue with him then apologize for being a spoiled princess).

Look, there is probably some stuff in your past that just fires up and makes you feel that way no matter what happens. It can be fixed and it will change your life, and his life too btw. This thing is there taking your life, time and energy.

Yeah it comes from my childhood and having a perfectionist mother and being an artist (we tend to have self hatred which eventually manifests in success because we've worked so hard to become better, haha). Plus it might be remnants leftover from the RPW anger phase (eg. If I get fat, if I dress plainly, if I argue, etc it puts me in a risky position to be dumped. I feel pressure to be perfect or else I'm unattractive. A lot of it is perfectionist pressure).

So the moral of the story is improve yourself but STFU about it and look on the positive side, I suppose.

But I think I naturally act this way (apologetic and self critical) because I feel more vulnerable and protected. It's very strange. I've been through very confident phases of my life and guess what...the result was I felt like I could take on the world and not need a man. It's a double edged sword. I'm less submissive when I'm confident and secure in myself, and he doesn't seem so dominant anymore.

[–]LookingForMySelf0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

So the moral of the story is improve yourself but STFU about it and look on the positive side, I suppose.

Yes to the first and no to the second. The thing that I understood so far is that people are okay with talking I am sure your boyfriend would talk to you all night and all day. The thing is whining is NOT talking, it's avoidance of communication. Whining is like giving your man blue balls. Because if you could talk with him right on the matter he would give you what you need, but you probably can't even name what you really need! You are in a sense mute.

But I think I naturally act this way (apologetic and self-critical) because I feel more vulnerable and protected.

I politely disagree. But I think you give the key here

the result was I felt like I could take on the world and not need a man.

You see how needing someone, a man, is so "dangerous" for you that you feel like the queen of the world when you don't need one?

I'm less submissive when I'm confident and secure in myself, and he doesn't seem so dominant anymore.

It could be that in your life you had problems with being submissive. It makes you feel like crap. That is something one can fix. The only regret you should have in your life is that you didn't fix this issue sooner. I really pm you some stuff that could help really quick. Is it okay for me to do that?

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sure, definitely pm me. I politely disagree that I have problems being submissive, actually - I grew up TOO submissive and American culture told me I shouldn't be (as an Asian female) so I think the trouble lay in not understanding there's a difference between being confident and being aggressive, does that make sense? My problem was I was too shy and quiet and too unsure of myself, which leads to low self-esteem so I spent a few years trying to be independent and aggressive because all the white feminists told me I should be this way. I've reverted back to my original Asian culture and I don't befriend white women anymore. I only spend time with Asian females (that grew up in Asia) or spend my time alone. And because I have native English, it's very easy to be sucked into white female SJW culture...I have to actively distance myself, always. Even being around my boyfriend's family (his younger brother's girlfriend is extremely talkative and also has slight SJW tendencies) I feel insecure because then I feel like I'm supposed to gab and complain about everything just like she does. But compared to most women I don't complain because I'm so complacent and accepting. So then I'm insecure that I'm not complaining about things!

But I think you're absolutely correct there's a difference between whining and talking though, and I've been doing more whining when I'm in a bad mood. Again, I'm not usually like this, but because of moodiness I can be difficult sometimes. I've been a lot better the last few days with my boyfriend, which lifts my mood that I'm able control my emotions/hamstering!

[–]LookingForMySelf0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I politely disagree that I have problems being submissive

I'd completely messed the sentence structure. I meant that being submissive is not totally comfortable for you, as in "you don't feel all that well doing that." That's why SJW got to you in the first place, blaming others and rejecting responsibility is certainly what alleviates some existential pain.

so I think the trouble lay in not understanding there's a difference between being confident and being aggressive

That makes a lot of sense to me. Assertive is usually synonymous with an asshole. And that's just not true: a person who takes full responsibility for his life is neither an asshole nor a door matt. The fact that you are submissive doesn't mean that you don't make anything happen around. No! What happens is that you go with your mate to the extremes of male-female dichotomy. Being assertive while submissive is even harder, but is not the opposite.

I feel insecure because then I feel like I'm supposed to gab and complain about everything just like she does. But compared to most women I don't complain because I'm so complacent and accepting.

That's the usual thing. Why nobody boasts about their husbands this days? Why everybody tries to be a nail in a coffin rather than a flower in a garden? Think you could say what happens if you defy this insecurity: stop complaining or even boasting? Some people say that it's a sacrifice that will actually allow you to find more people of value later on because it will promote a deep subconscious change.

I've been a lot better the last few days with my boyfriend, which lifts my mood that I'm able control my emotions/hamstering!

I actually have something similar. Being with a dear person makes me feel in a much different way compared to their absence. I think many people can achieve a lot there through the diligent work and learning.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think I relate to this, although I don't know if it's exactly the same issue. I try to be very supportive -- of my husband, my kids, especially -- while working to improve myself. I hum along for a while and then suddenly crash! Suddenly I'm full of self-pity, nobody supports me, I'm an ugly failure, blah blah blah.

One thing that helps is reminding myself to talk to my husband BEFORE the blahs come on. I have to remind myself to talk to him about the little problems I face, my little ups and downs, every day. That way we stay connected and I don't get bottled up to the point where I suddenly burst out with some abstract, confusing woe about being an ugly failure :)

Does that make any sense?

[–]blindedbythebrights0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ugh, I can relate! I even made a huge fuss in my head (and on RPW, hehe) over him giving me a compliment. I just generally feel like I have nothing to complain about and everything is good and yet, I'm kind of negative lately.

For me, I think I'm not used to everything going so well, and that actually leaves me uncomfortable and/or bored. I need to always be fixing or improving something. Maybe try to draw your attention away from yourself and see if you can help someone else or maybe get into something new?

Some people just have very busy minds that don't easily go on "rest" mode and will create something to obsess about if there's nothing to work on. I started writing again to keep mine busy. The important part of that is that it's for a cause that's meaningful to me, as fitness goals and shallow stuff still left me feeling kind of frustrated. Maybe doing something in the like can help you, too.

[–]lonewolf-chicago0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm not being a white-night here, but any guy that cares about breast-size is not interested in the person that owns them.

Secondly, volunteer at a children's hospital for 6 months. You won't have many complaints about yourself after that.

Problem solved. Now you have to act.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

He's not the one concerned about boob size - it's me that's concerned because he comes from a culture that has big breasted women. It's my own insecurity.

[–]lonewolf-chicago0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know... I was stating that to ease your insecurity

[–]Oink70 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

He dismisses your anxiety? I feel like if he was pedestalling you, he'd bend over in any direction to at his expense to appease you.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank god he's not a beta worshipper...

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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