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Can marriage be saved after an abortion or am I foolish for sticking around?

January 31, 2020

I'm a follower and poster of this sub on my normal account, but I wanted to use this throwaway for privacy.

My husband and I are both 27 year olds. We met when we were 22 and married at 24. We always talked about starting a family and so I thought he was family oriented. I ended up pregnant a year ago. He was happy about the idea of our first baby at first. But later on he said we can't keep it and can't afford it, and already set up an obgyn appointment for an abortion. I really didn't want to go through with it, but I felt helpless and was made to feel stupid for saying I wanted to have the baby. My whole experience at the obgyn was awful. The clinic my husband chose was Mandarin-Chinese speaking, with staff and customers who spoke little to no English. I'm not Chinese and don't speak a lick of Mandarin, so my husband did all the talking for me and the doctors payed little attention to me.

I didn't forget it once it was all over. The opposite. I beat myself up for being a coward who failed to stand up for my child and myself. I find it hard to forgive my husband. He doesn't seem to have an ounce of guilt. He tried to "comfort" me by mentioning that his mother had THREE abortions and it's no big deal, bringing up the tired old "it's a clump of cells" baloney. When I try to picture myself with kids in the future, the first baby is always going to be in my mind and the thought that he/she wasn't given the love the others are is heartbreaking. At this point I doubt my husband and I would ever be good parents.

After searching online for coping with post-abortion depression, I came across a lot of information. I happened to stumble across "red pill". To be honest, this all sparked a quarter life crisis in me a month before my 27th birthday (which was also around the time the baby would've been due). I'm no longer a young lady. I just approached the last few years of my childbearing prime. It was the perfect time to start a family. There's so much toxicity in the air but I don't like the idea of being another divorce statistic. Aside from this mess, I truly felt my husband was special and my soulmate. In that case, is there some hope in working things out, yet on the other hand I feel foolish. I know his apathy to the situation is mostly based on ignorance from a society that says abortion is no big deal and just another simple "choice" like getting a haircut. Is there a way of getting him to understand my point of view, or is this marriage doomed?

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Post Information
Title Can marriage be saved after an abortion or am I foolish for sticking around?
Author velvetcr0wbar1113
Upvotes 98
Comments 89
Date January 31, 2020 12:59 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
Red Pill terms in post

[–]zsadiist211 points212 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

Uhh, I don’t throw around the term “abuse” lightly, but taking you a clinic where you could not receive care in your own language is... extremely, extremely icky and really ethically questionable. It speaks to a man who really did not care to hear your full input on the matter.

I think if you decide this is a dealbreaker and irreparable, you would be WELL within your rights. I am very sorry this happened to you.

[–]princessinvestigator47 points48 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

This was my first thought as well. It seems like a clear attempt to remove your agency and control over the situation. Especially considering that he made the appointment before even consulting with you. Sounds like he wasn’t going to take no for an answer even if that required forcing you into an appointment where you couldn’t speak for yourself. Also, did you both decide to start trying for kids and then he brought up the finances once you were pregnant? If that’s the case, that’s another major red flag. If he was worried about finances, that should have been brought up well before you started trying for a baby.

I don’t know anything about him besides what you’ve said in the post, but this does not seem like a healthy relationship by any means. Is he controlling in other aspects too? I would highly recommend speaking with a relationship-focused therapist (not couples counseling, go alone) about these concerns. Sounds like you need more help here than reddit can really give you.

[–]velvetcr0wbar1113[S] 18 points19 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

The pregnancy was unplanned. Stupid on both our parts. He didn't want to wear condoms even though I brought a box of them, and I've never been on birth control. However, I had thought that in the case of an unexpected pregnancy we were always going to go through with it because we discussed this when we first got married.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What will you be changing going forward, to stop this from recurring?

[–]covfefeismydrug5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Get an iud. Go with copper if you don’t want hormones. I have it and the side effects are real (cramps/heave period) but worth it to me.

[–]teriyakigirl6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I just got a copper iud on Thursday January 9th and my bleeding has not stopped since (3 weeks)!! And I keep getting stabs of pain in my uterus area.. please tell me this is normal and that it gets easier? Lol. How long have you had your iud for?

[–]covfefeismydrug4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Totally normal! I’ve had mine for just over 2 years. The first three months were rough. I had the stabby pain and continual bleeding...then spotting during ovulation, which was new for me.

After that, my period has continued to be heavier than, pretty dang heavy as in, bleeding through pants a couple of times before I was used to the volume, and cramps that were worse than I had before.

It sounds like it’s all bad, but it’s totally doable. Make sure you have extra pads/tampons when you’re out and do not put off changing them!! Now that I’ve adjusted and learned the new “normal” for me, it’s been totally worth it. I could not handle hormonal BC and didn’t like how condoms ruined spontaneity. 10/10 would get it again. 😊

[–]teriyakigirl2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow yeah I'm the same way, don't like condoms and do NOT like fake hormones in my body. Hormonal bc ruined my skin and makes me go kind of insane hahah. I've already bled through pants before on my period (at work no less...) because I put off changing my tampon/pad for too long, so the not putting it off is great advice 😂 Thanks a bunch for the response, I feel much better about the iud!!

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Use a diva cup. Much simpler and easier.

[–]WildUnkn0wn3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have had the copper IUD for 2 years. It takes some time for your body to adjust. 3-4 weeks at the beginning were definitely an adjustment period. The c cramps are worse and start sooner than before. My periods are also longer than they were before. They used to be heavy and short. Now they're 5-7 days with lead in and lead out and a couple of heavy days in the middle. All that being said, I love that I don't have any hormones and that I can take it out and get pregnant immediately when it's time.

[–]the-red_woman54 points55 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes abusive is correct. Also cruel, selfish, cold and hateful.

[–]itsjustathrowaway14719 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As someone fairly recently out of an abusive relationship myself it was my first thought as well. I actually started to figure out he was abusive after telling what I thought (at the time) was sort of a funny story on reddit.

Several folks commented and it began to really open my eyes. It was and still is the hardest thing i have ever had to admit.

OP, I am not saying it’s definitely the case with your story, but try very hard to objectively consider if you might be in an abusive relationship, and if some internet strangers may be sending you more (much deserved!) love and compassion than you are getting from man you are giving your life, body, heart and soul to...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can’t imagine how upsetting this trauma must be. If any kind of counseling is within your means I would highly recommend it, if not something that has hugely helped me that is 100% free and acessible to anyone is yoga, as well as continuing to find support on healthy subreddits.

I am eternally grateful to the strangers who helped shine some light into my situation. If you ever need anyone to talk to I know you don’t know me but I am here and hope the best for you.

[–]the-red_woman99 points100 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

This truly breaks my heart, you poor thing. It honestly sounds traumatic beyond words. A tragedy I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Horrific you weren’t allowed to keep your little baby and that he has no concept of what he has done. It makes me so angry that he has selfishly inflicted so much suffering.

As your husband he vowed to love and protect you, instead he has destroyed you. I don’t even know this man but I hate him for what he did to you and your child. So so sorry and wishing you lots of strength.

[–]Russingram9 points10 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

He might just be ignorant and thinks of abortion as another form of birth control. About 50% of people do. He's probably never seen a picture like this:

[–]the-red_woman16 points17 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Even if he thinks it’s just BC, he did not give a shit about his wife’s needs, feelings, hopes or dreams. He traumatized her for life and refuses to even acknowledge it. He’s a piece of shit and an abuser.

[–]Russingram7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I agree, but I have seen people change their minds about abortion after being educated about it. When surveyors show the pictures to the people they're questioning, support for abortion falls to less than 20%. There is a serious lack of education on this subject.

[–]the-red_woman2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Of course for normal people this is true. This man did not even care that it was his own child though, he clearly has no empathy so I doubt seeing sliced up baby parts would have changed his view. Monsters don’t have normal reactions.

[–]Russingram-4 points-3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, that would mean that a million women a year in America are monsters. I hope they're not, and they're just ignorant. But maybe I'm just naive.

[–]the-red_woman4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He’s a monster because he forced it on her, not because of the abortion itself - although that’s also horrible.

[–]Russingram-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And a million women are monsters for forcing death on their children.

[–]Almcoding2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

True fore some cultures e.g. Chinese and Eastern abortions aren't a big deal.

In general I'm pro choice but not if the woman is married to the actual father of the baby...

[–]Sobinia2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm somewhere in between. If a woman gets raped, her life or health (both physical and/or mental) is at risk because of the pregnamcy or if the baby is going to be born with a disorder/disease, she should have the right to abort. If, however, she had sex willingly, she should carry the pregnancy and give the child off to adoption if she does not want it.

[–]Rejoice748 points49 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Im so sorry. Everyone gonna have their own beliefs on this topic. I think if you stay with him he will continue to want abortions, even if you have kids, ie “unplanned pregnancy”. I dont think you will change his mind as it is trivial to him. If he made you to feel stupid about it, it will happen again. So I think for you it is a values based decision. Not bashing China, but abortions in China are like buying a cup of coffee. It’s simply a matter of dollars and cents (or yuan).

[–]Dancersep3818 points19 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Excellent point. With the one child rule, abortion is probably pretty common.

[–]gdobssor4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Two child rule now, they have a dearth of young people (especially girls) and surplus of elderly so they upped it to two in cities and three in rural.

[–]Dancersep381 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Good to know, I hadn't heard that! Still crazy the government controls that, but at least they're easing up.

[–]gdobssor1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

They unfortunately have to. Most mainland China people will say the same. Before the policy was brought in, they had overpopulation and traditional families all having huge numbers of children, and they didn’t have the infrastructure to handle it. Even now they have some of the hugest and most polluted cities, and they could have been looking at a population of 40 million each just for Beijing and Shanghai had they done nothing.

[–]Dancersep381 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I know, I'm just categorically opposed to that level of government control. Glad to hear it's being stepped back.

[–]gdobssor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

They don’t really need it anymore to be honest, because unless they are super wealthy or farming families where they need a lot of extra hands, mainland China families don’t have the wages to afford more than two children anymore, even without the policy and even if both parents work.

[–]Jikira4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I was looking for this. If her husband is Chinese abortions doesn't have such a moral stigma attached to it. I lived in china my friends from there have and don't care if they have an abortion.

[–]Tight-Diamond-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don't think it's so much the cultural difference here -- it's that she clearly didn't want an abortion and was pressured into it.

[–]Jikira3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree, what he did is terrible. However, if he is from china he probably did not think about how much of a emotional toll it could take on her because of his own apathy.

[–]Logical_Insurance30 points31 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would cut your losses now while you are still young enough to start over. The only thing worse than ending this relationship now will be staying in it for longer.

[–]frogswife18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so so sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine how terrifying it would be to be coerced into that situation. I personally, don't know if I could ever fully trust my husband again after that - especially if you know you'll be wanting children down the road. ((What if he "changes his mind" again?)) The way I see it you have two options: the trust is so broken you have to leave. Or: when you decide to get pregnant, you refuse to let him dictate what will happen to the baby, eg. You're carrying it, you're keeping it, it's not up for debate.

But that's something you'll have to decide.

[–]-Acta-Non-Verba-39 points40 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I am, admittedly, conservative, but a man who is OK with killing his child and insist on it, and thinks it isn't a big deal isn't my idea of a good person or a good father. Marriage and fatherhood are hard, demanding things to do. We do them anyway.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars40 points41 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Even outside of conservatism: there's a big difference between 'aborting a child that neither of you want' and 'pressuring your wife to abort against her wishes, when YOU didn't want to wear condoms'.

[–]Sobinia3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

He could have at least let her give the child up to adoption. Sure, she wouldn't have much contact with the baby, but at least she wouldn't have been forced to abort her pregnancy. OP, this person isn't a Captain. Captains prioritize their followers' needs, even at their own costs. Tyrants prioritize their own needs, even at their followers' costs. Also, your husband clearly lacks responsibility.

[–]gdobssor-3 points-2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Go through with pregnancy, ruin her body and then be forced to give away her own child? That’s just as bad.

[–]Sobinia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It depends on the situation, but in my opinion, OP would rather do so and have her child be alive, even if it meant limited or no contact with it.

[–]Dancersep383 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agreed. I would go so far as to say they're only worth doing because they're hard.

[–]falabela16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

After a forced abortion. That’s pretty messed up.

[–]trenchfootbaby31 points32 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

I would start noticing where he splurges money. “We dont have enough money” is often said by people who are used to spending how they like and selfishly dont want to give that up. I would leave and date with “family” already on the table.

[–]blondehairedangel33 points34 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

This. But also aside from this - i cant stand the "cant afford it so we have to KILL IT"... my fiance was raised in ACTUAL poverty. In a third world country where they didnt have food stamps. And yet when asked about his childhood- he is fond of those years in his home country despite that his family was ACTUALLY starving. His life is valuable and im so thankful his mother didnt abort and instead chose to find a way to provide even when food was scarce.

[–]velvetcr0wbar1113[S] 15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I've thought about this more. I agree that it's not a good excuse. My parents were financially worse off than we were when I was born. But hey I made it to adulthood.

[–]failingtheturingtest1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As with all emotionally charged topics, the "reasoning" behind it is usually pretty poor. Because it's taking a lot of complexes thoughts, feelings and emotions and trying to put them into a single argument.

It's likely that there's more to his reason to want to end a pregnancy than finances, but finances are easy to put into words.

[–]Dancersep3823 points24 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

People vastly overestimate how much it costs to raise a child. They're pretty cheap. Daycare, organic gerber puree, endless paid activities, the latest xbox, and extravagant birthday parties are what's expensive.

Also, it's not like abortion is the only alternative. Adoption is preferable in my book, especially now where they can be as opened or as closed as you want them to be.

[–]blondehairedangel4 points5 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I agree!! The only thing a newborn needs besides diapers is your boob! (or formula). I'm honestly happy that my fiance grew up the way he did. It made him into a strong man who's grateful for things.

I agree with the pro-abortionists that the system for adoption is broken but I wish politicians would talk more about repairing the adoption system not so much about killing babies (especially late term).

[–]Rawrination3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Planned Parenthood is a baby parts re-seller. They need to kill them as close to (or even after) birth as possible for maximum value.

[–]Jikira3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

What about diapers, crib, doctor appointments, clothes, blanket, etc. . This situation is terrible because obviously she didn't want to have the abortion, however a baby does need more than your boob..... What if the child is born with an illness..? Healthcare in the US is expensive, so are baby items.

I don't agree with what the husband did, but having a baby is not cheap.

[–]blondehairedangel5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

In America if you have a good health insurance then doctors appointments arent a huge worry. Having a special needs child is an entirely different situation than a baby without them. Cloth diapers are a viable option that many women are using. Some babies domt even have cribs the parents find another arrangement. Do you think babies in third world countries live lives with no value? They certainly dont have disposable diapers in many countries, nor cribs. Yet- they grow up to be strong people who have more kids. Not to mention that if you have a close knit family and/or circle of friends that you end up with so many things gifted that you dont end up using everything. My sister hasnt had to buy a whole lot for my nephew because her and husbands parents showered them with clothes and toys. She is low income and yet my nephew- who has autism btw - has never gone without. Money isnt a reason to abort. In some situations it may be a reason to put up for adoption but not to just kill them. Nobody lives without suffering of some sort.

[–]Jikira0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

In America if you have a good health insurance then doctors appointments aren't a huge worry

If you have insurance, what if you don't. Most people still have out of pocket cost as well.

Some babies dont even have cribs the parents find another arrangement. Do you think babies in third world countries live lives with no value?

You still have to buy the other options. Unless you just sleep with the baby without a co-sleeper.

I don't think baby understand enough to value anything...

They certainly dont have disposable diapers in many countries, nor cribs. Yet- they grow up to be strong people who have more kids.

Then why are kids born into poverty at greater risk for several negative outcomes such as poor academic achievement, school dropout, abuse and neglect, behavioral and socioemotional problems, physical health problems, and developmental delays.

My dad grew up in a third world country and I can tell you that most of them do not make it past five...

Not to mention that if you have a close knit family and/or circle of friends that you end up with so many things gifted that you dont end up using everything

I knew someone would say this, but if you come from a family with nothing. You get nothing. Furnishing my home cost me $0 because my SO inherited his family house furniture. Does that mean that furnishing is is not expensive no, it means I had a privilege. Your sister was privilege to have that. All of the points I take from my personal experience and stats. I do not have anybody in my family with autism. However, in college I worked with a non profit who helped children with austism. All of my points are even clearer with the children I worked with who were lacked the opportunity to have adequate therapy, but I could go on about that.

In addition grew up in extreme poverty, I developed many health problems and at one-point died because my parents were poor, my mental health suffered. I am fortunate because I was able to overcome so much, but my siblings are a different story. I personally don't know anyone other than myself who came out positive in my community.

Money isnt a reason to abort. In some situations it may be a reason to put up for adoption but not to just kill them. Nobody lives without suffering of some sort.

Yes everyone suffers in some way, I am not arguing whether or not abortion for financial reason is right or wrong. I am vehemently pro-choice. My point is you should never make a hard thing seem easy, having a baby is not easy which is why people should take the proper precaution to prevent it until they are ready. Just like we shouldn't pretend like abortion are easy, they are hard and painful.

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Then why are kids born into poverty to single mothers at greater risk for several negative outcomes such as poor academic achievement, school dropout, abuse and neglect, behavioral and socioemotional problems, physical health problems, and developmental delays.

Most kids born into poverty are born to single mothers. Single motherhood is the single biggest correlator to ALL of the above factors. Not poverty.

[–]Jikira-2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes as a single mother you are more likely to be poor, but if you are a single mother with money the outcomes are not the same. Children in lower-income, single-parent families face the most significant barriers to success in school and the work force. Kids who are born in a two family home but are in poverty have face those barriers as well. Poverty is the biggest correlate. It doesn't matter if you are white, black, married, single, christian, or jew if you are living in poverty you face a lot more obstacles than someone who is not.

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nope. Statistically, single motherhood is the biggest factor - a bigger correlation to failure of children in life than poverty is. A child is better off being raised by a poor husband and wife than it is by a rich single mother when it comes to mental illness, drug addiction, success/failure in general, what have you.


Research by Sara McLanahan at Princeton University suggests that boys are significantly more likely to end up in jail or prison by the time they turn 30 if they are raised by a single mother. Specifically, McLanahan and a colleague found that boys raised in a single-parent household were more than twice as likely to be incarcerated, compared with boys raised in an intact, married home, even after controlling for differences in parental income, education, race, and ethnicity. Research on young men suggests they are less likely to engage in delinquent or illegal behavior when they have the affection, attention, and monitoring of their own mother and father.

[–]blondehairedangel1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

None of these are good arguements to abort. Only to not keep a child assuming youre the lowest level of poor and have nobody in your life.

[–]velvetcr0wbar1113[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He was in a car accident two years ago (5 cars involved, he was in the middle). Hospitalized twice. The second time he was hospitalized he ended up in the psych ward due to a psychotic episode where he recklessly wasted money on a shopping spree in Beverley Hills. The random spending, hospital bills, medication, counseling, all added up in less than a year. He never showed symptoms of mental illness before this, and it never happened again either, so I assume it might have been a side effect from the accident.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Has he been evaluated for traumatic brain injury? Mood swings, short temper, lack of FTO, are all symptoms.

[–]teufelinderflasche48 points49 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

I think it is doomed. You'll never truly forgive him for this. He probably never wanted kids and just told you what you wanted to hear. A man who really wanted kids wouldn't have been so eager and nonchalant about having an abortion. My wife had a miscarriage and d&c at ten weeks which was terrible for both of us. We're both wanted kids and we still get tearful when it comes up.

[–]Dancersep389 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. There are no words. Our society does a shit job of recognizing these losses. Mine was 3 years ago; it hasn't healed completely but it does get better.

[–]teufelinderflasche8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

We already had one kid and got pregnant a few months later with a successful pregnancy. The miscarriage wasn't devastating but it was a bad experience. 1/3 pregnancies are miscarried so we perfectly got the ratio of two successful and one failed pregnancies.

[–]Dancersep382 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

My miscarriage was my first so was pretty devastating, but I've since had one and am almost due with our second, so we're perfect on the ratio too it would seem!

[–]teufelinderflasche1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

The worst part about the miscarriage is that we found out at the first ultrasound. We were excited to see the baby for the first time but instead got bad news. We dreaded the first ultrasound the next time.

[–]Dancersep380 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Ugh, same! I never even knew there was a thing as a "missed miscarriage." I thought everything must be fine since a miscarriage meant you'd just start bleeding one day right?

[–]teufelinderflasche0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

The doctor said it probably died a day or two before. I think you usually start bleeding a week or so after it dies when the body starts trying to clear it out.

[–]Dancersep380 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mine was a few weeks gone. I did start miscarrying naturally about 10 days later.

[–]StepfordInTexas8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My heart aches for you and I’m feeling physically ill. Just the mental picture I have of the whole ordeal is terrifying.

You have a fundamental misalignment in core beliefs. Get out now.

[–]Dancersep388 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't say if you're doomed or not; the story you tell is pretty horrific and based solely on this I'd say run, but I don't have any clue about how your marriage is in all other regards. I'm chiming in to say 2 things:

1) you need to have a serious conversation NOW about having children, to include a clear timeline with action steps.

2) whether you stay or go, all is not lost. Fertility is a lot more complex than "over 25 bad, over 35 DOOMED." You still have plenty of time so long as you get serious about your plans. Even if you leave him, you can still have children someday if you get your head in the game.

[–]NachoBestie9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This literally made me tear up. He’s a selfish man. Get out while you can.

I don’t know what your situation is but if you haven’t forgiven him after all this time, you probably never will. Your baby was snatched away from you by an abusive man. He might get even more abusive & controlling in the future & I don’t think you’ll ever truly forgive him.

You need to think long & hard about this because of you decide to go through with the marriage, you’re going to have to leave this behind. 100%. If you don’t, you’ll build resentment for him & one day, you’ll burst. & when you do, not if, things will get ugly & by then, you may not be of childbearing age anymore.

You either forgive him 100% & try to save your marriage, or you leave. I don’t think there’s a middle ground in this situation. If you’ve been subjected to so much abuse already, who’s today it won’t get worse? He consented to killing his own child. He can do a lot worse.

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Keep us updated, yeah? Sending love.

[–]lawomen123457 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can't tell you if your marriage is doomed. I really feel sorry for you, he wanted a family then he changed his mind because he can't affort it. What is stoping him from changing his mine to be in a relationship. He is a coward babies just don't need money they need love too. Get on birthcontrol and talk to your mother in law im sure she regrets some of her abortions. Hopeing you can work things out.

[–]artwithapulse6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Honey I am so incredibly sorry, this is word for word my experience and I cannot stomach it - they had me on suicide watch and my partner had to remove all the guns from our home. Please, do not hesitate to message me, it’s nice not to feel so alone (also 27f)

[–]HappilyMrs3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm pro-choice, and this wasnt choice, this was forced on you. It would be a deal breaker for me.

[–]smellingdeadroses2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am pro-choice but in this case looks like you didn't even had the opportunity to make a choice since he managed everything, your decisions and even the clinic. And the thing is males don't know what does this mean for a woman, they don't go through the physical and psychological pain so for them is so easy to just think about abortion as if it was something we're glad to do. I don't know if your marriage is doomed, that's something you only know but keep in mind not only the abortion but the manipulative ways to solve such an important issue.

[–]Admanthea1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so very sorry about your loss. Even though you all didnt use protection, this is NOT your fault. You were acting within your vows and when you made your vows, you did so under the pretense that you would be welcoming life into this world.

You have every right to mourn in whatever way is appropriate to you and he needs to respect and support that unconditionally given the situation. If he does not, I would seriously consider your situation. I would also suggest going and seeing a counselor. You deserve to be loved and cared for and you have to do it for yourself and if you wish to include, the legacy of your child.

Only you can decide what future is best for you because we are Reddit and don't know about your situation, but at the very least in all of this I would say marriage counseling should be a bare minimum. If he doesn't agree to it, you all should just lay all of the cards out about what you are able to accept in each other. You're still young, you still deserve to be happy and healthy.

Good luck, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

[–]doubleguns551 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. Even if you can't forgive your husband I hope that you can forgive yourself. Personally, I wouldn't continue a relationship with someone who was so nonchalant about forcing you to get an abortion. That is a big decision to make and there should have been more discussion about it. Babies don't fall out of the sky and you have time to save and prepare for their arrival.

You're still young and it's not too late to start over if you want to. I dont want to defend your husband (I think he sucks) but if you do have children in the future you may realize that maybe your husband did make the right choice at the time.

If you do stick it out, why not start saving now for a child instead of being surprised again in the future. That way if you are surprised again you will be more prepared, and if he pulls the same stunt you could have enough to hire a lawyer.

[–]rosebyanyothername11 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It could be a cultural difference. If he's from China, abortion is seen really differently there.

I don't see the marriage is doomed from this, just know that you have every right to feel the way you do.

[–]Rawrination1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You married a monster and now have to decide whether it is worth continuing life as his pet or want to make the hard choices to get yourself free.

[–]failingtheturingtest1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is an emotionally charged topic for both of you. So consider the fact that both sides of your conversations are only an indicator of your thoughts and feelings on the matter, not the full picture.

There are some key things that seem to have been ignored throughout the discussion here and I think you should keep these in mind.

You previously discussed children, and from what you've said, he was on board. Until it was a reality, then he couldn't get out fast enough. Do you want to be with someone who can and will immediately and irrevocably change what you've previously agreed upon?

He made a unilateral decision about your future together and then kept you in a position where you had the least amount of agency and input on that decision. And it sounds like he possibly already knew this was against what you wanted to do. Can you trust a man who has shown that he will remove your ability to influence one of the most important decisions in your life if it might be against what he wants?

You didn't feel comfortable telling him you weren't OK with him changing your life forever. Can you be with a man that you don't feel comfortable saying "I really don't want an abortion" to?

He cited finances as the reason, yet you don't think your finances are issue enough to not have children. What other reasons might be below the surface for him? Not ready to be a father? Not ready to give up freedom not ready to be responsible for someone else? Worried your body will change? Worried you'll lose sexual interest in him, him in you?

You wanted to use condoms, he didn't. So you didn't use condoms. You wanted to keep a child, he didn't. So you got an abortion. Sounds like you don't get input in anything to do with important decisions in life. He chooses, THEN he avoids all consequences.

I believe this isn't about an abortion. The abortion is the unfortunate embodiment of his attitude towards your relationship.

I hope you manage to find the strength to forgive yourself and advocate for what YOU want in a relationship.

[–]BePrivateGirl4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m very pro choice and have actually had an abortion more than 10 years ago. So I’m not coming from a place of shaming you for what happened.

But disagreements about abortions are really really deep seeded. There’s mismatched emotions between your feelings and his, so you will never get the support you need from him unless he has a spontaneous rebirth of his empathy capacity.

I hope that you can look at yourself and remember that you have worth and value. Your childbearing years are not over. You still have a voice in this.

I’m not going to call what your husband did abuse. But disagreements about abortion are as big a deal as abuse, infidelity, or mismatch in religious devotion. It sometimes cannot be rectified. If your husband truly doesn’t want children (which I don’t think he does) then you are allowed to view the relationship the way red pill men do. Don’t just stay because of the sunk cost fallacy.

And if your husbands decisions has prevented you from truly seeing him as your leader, then you are allowed to leave.

I don’t take any of this lightly. I hope that you can muster the self-love, outside support, spiritual guidance, therapy, or whatever you may need to truly search your soul for the correct answer here.

Remember your worth, we are here for you.

[–]StrawberryCake881 Star0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Is he from mainland China? There is a very different culture there.

[–]theprivateselect0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you just need to talk to him about this

[–]ajaa1230 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh I feel like you two have cultural clashes. My mum is Chinese and doesn't think abortion is a big deal. When I was 16 she use to threaten me if I got pregnant I had no choice in the matter and would have to have an abortion. I hope your husband can learn how to be more compassionate and see things from your prespective as well. If he can't maybe it's time to move on. Maybe grief counseling will help you as well.

[–]PhaedrusHunt0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oof. Awful story.

I don't care about abortion as a political issue, I think it's very personal and then when it happens it needs to be a decision that's reached between both parties, especially in a marriage.

Between my first and second child my ex-wife got pregnant again. We had lots of reasons not to keep it, and we decided it and did it together.

I can't imagine unilaterally making the decision for my wife then pressuring her into it, especially after letting you know that he was okay keeping it at first.

He sounds very selfish.

[–]whatdidshewrite-1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

If he is a good man (I don’t know if he is) then it’s highly likely that he just can’t fathom what you’re going through. Political differences aside, it’s much more difficult for him to feel a sense of connectedness to the baby than it is for you (because it’s inside you).

If he’s completely oblivious to the way you feel about the situation (which is what it seems like from the way you described his actions), his actions make sense.

My point is that it is not necessarily the case that he had abusive intent with his actions.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If it wasn't intended, he's an idiot. You don't have unprotected sex with someone, with whom you've discussed wanting to have a family, then pressure them into an abortion.

[–]zsadiist12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It beggars belief to think this could possibly be borne of ignorance. He would have to be the most obtuse person on Earth.

He doesn’t have to be cartoonishly evil and twirling his mustache and saying “I think today I’ll abuse OP!” to be abusive. Just, secretly, in the back of his mind, “My need to not be tied down with a kid trumps OP’s right to consent to an abortion/mental health/baby’s life.”

[–]TantalizingGrapfruit10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Then why would he actively choose a mandarin care center over one of the thousands of medical facilities where she could communicate with her doctors about her body and be informed? That alone, regardless of his intent, speaks volumes. Abuse isn't often about someone making decisions to hurt others. It's more often about making decisions for their own benefit with no regard or intent to pretend to have regard for the consequences of others.

[–]Dancersep385 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bingo! A great deal of abuse is just selfishness and lack of empathy. That's what makes it so God damn hard to identify when you're in it. If it we all punches to the kidneys it'd be obvious.

[–]LeanLoner1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Then why would he actively choose a mandarin care center

Is it possible it's much cheaper? I don't know where they live and she said they need the money.

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hooooooly crap. This post was not what I expected.


Yeah, it's the perfect time to have a baby. I can't believe he pressured you into it. You do obviously bear a portion of the responsibility, but... wow.

Is he actually anti-kids? Or just really believes you can't afford it? Because the first is a divorce-maker; the second is negotiable. Unless he's closed to discussion, in which case... yeah, I wish you the best, but I don't like your odds.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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