can you compromise on marriage?

RFishy · 2018-03-23T16:31:48+00:00

Marriage is a strong commitment and I can’t compromise by being with someone who wants to keep their options open. Just like I wouldn’t move into a place without a lease...

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2018-03-24T13:50:45+00:00

I think the best way to counter a man claiming he is not into marriage is to bring up prenups. Most men don't want married because of the very real risk of financial ruin, but prenups pretty much stop that entirely.

I don't think relationships can last in an exclusive sense indefinitely without marriage. Maybe if you're in an open relationship it could work, but there's a reason you two aren't married after 10 years together, and if that reason is anything other than a prenup, it's because he simply doesn't see you lasting. Whether he thinks the woman will leave him, or whether he thinks he can do better and will eventually leave her is different from relationship to relationship, but overall it's the same principle.

KleoStar777 · 2018-03-23T18:54:57+00:00

For me it is unacceptable. My man has to be my husband. This is commitment, this is real family, this means to me that this person really wants and plans to spend rest of his life with me and that my kids will be legally protected. Maybe if I would be 50, I wouldn't mind to just live with a partner. Not there yet, so don't know :D for now it is not an option

FleetingWish · 2018-03-23T23:47:43+00:00

I think the pinnacle of a relationship is determined by two people who want to stay together forever.

I don't see what about "getting married' changes that. If you were already planning on staying together, why get married?

radical-trad · 2018-03-23T16:49:18+00:00

If a guy doesn’t want to marry you than why would you want to devote yourself to him if you in fact want marriage?

Guys who don’t want to marry may not possess the natural capacities to do well in marriage. One requires confidence, courage, virtue and imagination to truly do well in marriage. Without certain traits marriage will be truly difficult. In the past the culture supported the advancement of these traits so many more men could adopt these values through proxy. Now the culture doesn’t support those values, and a man must possess them independently. It’s hard to find such men. A lot of the women I meet with are finding men who were raised away from blue bubbles and therefore still possess these traits - as they were reared inside cultural spheres that support them and therefore they have internalized these values or perspectives.

durtyknees · 2018-03-23T18:44:44+00:00

High Value Men have options because we all want a man that we deem to be high value.

This is often self-contradictory in the context of RPW (imo), because we're talking about two very different things:

"high value" from the point of view of an individual (what is "high value" to one person isn't "high value" to another)
a man with an abundance of options, maybe all the options in the world

I think the questions would be easier to answer if you changed the perspective to "if I was a "high value" man, would I..?"

If I defined "high value" as a man with all the options in the world, then such a man will want a similarly "high value" woman. He'll be considering:

her age/fertility, if he wants children
her appearance and physical/mental health, which includes her ability to maintain it regardless of age
her personality/compatibility, which includes sexual compatibility
her personal history: "baggage-free" (not a single-mom/divorced/have crazy exes stalking her/etc)
her social/financial status (if she's a celebrity/heiress/etc --- RP says this doesn't matter, but it does, if we're talking about marriage)
her willingness to accommodate her (high value) man's desire for other women (varies from having temporary/transactional partners, all the way to total non-monogamy, depending on his preferences)

If I was a man with an abundance of options, "locking down" a woman with similar abundance of options via marriage is similar to conquering a prosperous kingdom.

So to answer the questions of whether a woman can/should compromise, we'll have to define:

what is "high value" for her, when it comes to men?
what is actually important to her, because a man who is actually a good father might not be a man with an abundance of options, and he's more likely to consider marriage to a woman with less options.

We recognize that divorce is terrible for men and marriage success rates are lower than ideal.

Divorce isn't terrible for men who are married to women wealthier than they are. However, RP says women are more likely to respect men who can earn more. No surprise that marriage is a confusing topic around here :p

Could you accept the man you are with absent the option to be married?

I think my personal choices are irrelevant/unhelpful for others, since my vetting methods/priorities are rather.. un-RPW :p

cedeandco · 2018-03-23T18:36:02+00:00

Yes, I assure you, you would be missing out on many, if not most "great men" by insisting on marriage. Unfortunately, in 2018, I would question the intelligence and wherewithal on any man strongly in favour on marriage for themselves. Nonetheless, there are many men that would prefer to be married.

Shaela90 · 2018-03-23T20:31:48+00:00

I am ambivalent about getting married myself but to me, a man who refuses to marry his SO knowing that it is what she wants would pose some serious red flags that would eventually tear down the relationship.

I live in Eastern Europe and there's still a good amount of stigma against divorced people around here, so maybe that does influence my perception a little bit. I see marriage as a leap of faith and in some cases, a compromise. Saying 'I do' in front of your families, friends and community requires knowing your partner, having faith in them and committing yourself to sort out whatever issues may appear down the road while putting your family's well being before your own in many cases.

So a man who would not want to marry me either:

a) does not know me well enough - which, as the relationship progresses becomes a non-issue;

b) does not have faith in me/believe I am 'good enough' to be at his side - which is a huge red flag, meaning I'm mostly wasting my time;

c) does not want to commit in front of our community to work things out with me - huge red flag again, meaning he's either too selfish to take the high road (which is completely fine, but I see no point in investing care, understanding, patience, time and resources in someone like this. I'd rather invest in myself. And when two people are more invested in themselves than the relationship they share, it will eventually come crashing down, since you can't draw anything out of an empty box. People like these usually have good relationships that last a while, maybe years, but as they don't build anything together, they can't really overcome the inevitable boredom with one another) or does not want to take the high road with ME, which again, falls under b).

Now, I agree that there might be people out there who oppose the idea of marriage as a matter of principle, and if both partners are similar in this aspect, commitment can take up different aspects. If I know by bf doesn't want to get married but I can see he's a man who sticks by my side and strives to put time and effort into growing our relationship, then I would have no problem not marrying. But those cases are VERY, VERY, VERY rare.

theoppositeopinion1 · 2018-03-23T21:00:10+00:00

If he's scared of the terrible laws, offer a prenup. That really helped in my situation.

loneliness-inc · 2018-03-25T19:26:08+00:00

You raise some extremely important points and questions here.

Marriage today in any western country is terrible for men as the expectations of married men continue to rise, what he can expect from his wife continues to dissappear and what he stands to lose in a divorce is sky high. The rate of divorce is sky high and so is the rate of men who stay because it's cheaper to keep her. Overall, marriage is a very bad idea for men today. This is a fact that isn't appreciated enough around here.

When seriously considering what marriage means to men today, it will become clear to any sensible woman that it's very unreasonable to expect any man to marry you if he's thinking with his big head.

However, most men still want what marriage is in spirit - a lifelong commitment, family, emotional intimacy etc. Men are naturally much more trusting of women than women are of men and that's perhaps the biggest reason why men still marry altogether. However, as more and more men wake up to the destructive side of female nature that has been let loose on society, marriage rates will continue to fall.

If you're a wise woman (general you, not u/girlwithabike specifically), you'd seek out a long term commitment without pushing for marriage. You'd take the time and energy to arrange yourselves financially in such a way that there's yours, his and our bank accounts and contributions to the family. You'd know your place, what he contributes and what you do, financially and otherwise. You'd act accordingly. You'd be implementing RP knowledge to better strengthen your relationship. You won't take him for granted.

If you do your part to keep him satisfied long term, there's little chance he'll ever want to leave you even without the legal trap. Think about it, how good can it be when you have to legally trap him to stay anyway?

[deleted] · 2018-03-26T08:13:27+00:00

I believe people in love (with the right person) would come up with ways to make it work.

When I say make it work, I mean balancing what lifestyle and work methods and money matters make each of them feel secure.

It also takes flexibility and a willingness to hear the other person’s genuine concerns. Being empathetic to them and then finding a solution.

DarlingMissLee · 2018-03-24T12:11:27+00:00

I would not compromise on marriage. High quality men would date high quality women. These men should know that their women are of good judgement and character and would not do such a thing. If a high quality man would not marry me, I would question what about me makes him hesitant about marriage with me. If it is me, I would change those aspects about myself until I can show the high quality man that I am a good person, wife, and mother so that marriage can be an option with him. Marriage is an institution of great value and I would not feel complete as a person, woman, or citizen of my country without it.

MissNietzsche · 2018-03-23T18:02:47+00:00

This is where r/RPW and r/TRP collide...

EmotionalSupportRat · 2018-03-23T19:01:03+00:00

I would be okay with not marrying, if that comes from a "pure" choice from both partners and is not due to fear of commitment.

For me, marriage is a celebration and a statement of commitment, but it is not needed. If people manage a healthy relationship for decades unmarried, I don't respect or value the married relationship that lasts the same time any longer.

Coming from divorced parents, marriage has become unattractive to me. Many women delude themselves by thinking it will make the relationship more stable or them more happy. I also despise the bridezilla drama surrounding it and the wastefulness.

Nkazio · 2018-03-25T01:37:32+00:00

Alright, let me throw in my two cents as a Man;

Marriage for a critically thinking Man is nonsense. Logically, we have no advantages from it, we have no securities from it, it, on all levels, screws us. All it does is expose us to great risk, and it is no guarantee, on any level, that a Women is 'bound' to us. Infact, if anything, it makes it easier for a Woman to abandon us, because she'll be financially secure after with a few flashy bonuses. The only way a smart man will marry nowadays is with an iron-clad prenup prior, and only if whatever country/state he lives in supports its legality. A contract like that would ensure that the Women is only entitled to whatever she brings into the relationship upon leaving it, and anything she has earned on her own.

So that is probably the only compromise a smart Man would be willing to make. Making the legal/contractual obligations of a marriage contract null/voided/pointless, and only marrying for the symbolical/moral value of it.

With that in mind; Amongst a few things, Men value loyalty alot. And Ironically, marriage makes us doubt in the first place how loyal the Woman is to us in the first place. If you need 'marriage' to be satisfied in the relationship (and minimalistically threaten to end the relationship otherwise), how valuable is the connection we have with you in the first place?

It's a dilemma in itself, really. A Woman that insists on marriage actually breaks whatever trusts she has with her Man because he begins to wonder if she's committed to him as Person, for who he is, or for her own eventual fulfillment/position as a married Wife.

I, personally believe the only true value marriage has (nowadays) is for Children. The classic family model is valuable to provide children with a safe environment that is based on family values and tradition. It helps raise children in a specific, wholesome way. Beyond that marriage should be inconsequential, and not matter in any fashion to either Man or Woman.

[deleted] · 2018-03-24T01:47:36+00:00

Depends on your religion. In my case, marriage is a huge holy sacrament and not just a piece of paper. But to an atheist it might not carry much weight.

lespetiteschoses · 2018-03-27T10:06:19+00:00

No, I would never be ok with fully committing myself to and having children with a man who refused to marry me.

I understand that there are financial risks for a man, but a woman is also taking risks when she gives herself to a man. She risks giving up her fertile years, the physical burden of pregnancy and most of all, she risks that he impregnates her and abandons her with his children. Marriage is his formal promise to her and their community that he will continue to protect and provide for his wife and children. I wouldn't settle for anything less.

Love and commitment requires sacrifices on both ends in my mind, and there isn't a man on this earth that I would compromise on that for. I believe in carrying on the tradition of marriage and the unique status that husband and wife entails.

I don't mind that there's men out there refusing to marry, they can do what they want, but I would never allow myself to be someone's girlfriend forever.

RainbowKitty77 · 2018-03-24T00:52:43+00:00

I COULD compromise on marriage but it would take a lot.

Title	can you compromise on marriage?
Author	girlwithabike
Upvotes	35
Comments	92
Date	March 23, 2018 3:36 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/86lk3n/can_you_compromise_on_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/can-you-compromise-on-marriage.2792 https://theredarchive.com/post/2792