When searching “Manipulation” on Google, this is the first result that pops up:

Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering, as if the person has your highest concern in mind, but in reality it's to achieve an ulterior motive.

Along side this picture, an image of the puppeteer.

I think if we picture the most skilled and master manipulator, an image of the puppeteer is appropriate. The puppeteer is someone who can manipulate his puppets to do whatever he pleases. It is often thought that the mere fact that someone has the power to pull the strings is too much power to give to one person, and the puppeteer is evil, for the crime of being a puppeteer.

However, what I find myself more interested in is not the fact there is a puppeteer, but on what the puppets are being made to do. I find that the majority of puppets aren't being made to stab themselves, humiliate themselves, or otherwise lead terrible lives. On the contrary, the puppets are made to conquer their fears, sing beautiful ballads, find love, and achieve their dreams. The reality here is that the puppeteer does have an ulterior motive, he gets money from people who come to watch his show. Having a motive doesn't mean he treats his puppets poorly, in fact they are a source income to him so they are likely handled with great care.

It seems to me like a lot of people who conflate the idea of "selfish motive" with the idea of "bad for me". However, it seems to me that if someone has a selfish motive, that can either benefit me, or not, depending on what his goals are.

When my boss at work tells me, "You did a good job," I will feel good about myself. However his goal is not to make me feel good about myself, his goal is to get me to put in the same amount of effort on my next project and motivate me to stay with the company. If I do good work, that makes him look good. In his opinion the best way to make that happen is to make me feel good about myself to motivate me. However, I don't mind him being selfish, because I am being selfish too. I want to feel good about myself. If he getting what he wants gets me what I want, then there is no reason we can't work together and both get what we want.

People are trying to manipulate each other all the time to get what they want. Though admittedly, some people are better at it than others. The fact is that we only talk about "abusive manipulation" because that is the form of manipulation we are most scared of. But, abusive manipulation doesn't work. It works for a period of time, but eventually the person wanting to escape is the mark that it is a flawed manipulation strategy. Successful manipulation strategies are ones that work, and succeed in making people do what you want to do... like puppets.

The question to ask isn't whether or not you are being manipulated, because being manipulated isn't by itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. Instead ask whether or not him getting what he wants also gets you what you want. Is the manipulation abusive or malicious? Or does him working toward his happiness make you happy as well?

I don't mind being the puppet of a puppeteer who makes me conquer my fears, find love, and become a better person, because I want those things too.