Well, here I am again.

My marriage hasn't been the happiest, but it sure hasn't been the saddest either. It started out amazing, lots of laughter and fun...lots of drinking, sex, going out. It was a party a day, basically. We've been together almost a decade and now we have a child. Things had to change, right. Once I had the baby, and did the SAHM thing, my self esteem went through the floor, he traveled more, it was rough. I filed for divorce in Feb. We were both fighting constantly, he drank so much, I yelled a lot. Drunk captain for sure, angry first mate. We have always had traditional gender roles. In hindsight, he's been a thrill-seeker since I met him and I guess I like the excitement too.

We've gotten back together and there's been a lot of personal growth on both ends the last few months. He's so involved in the house and our daughter now. I've stepped off the being a total bitch train and have mellowed out a lot. Things have been good. I work, he works, things felt good. We're going to make it.

Got a letter in the mail from my doctor. Turns out I have HPV. Didn't have HPV when I gave birth three years ago. Never cheated. I instantly burst into tears b/c I know he's been unfaithful. Gosh it makes me sick thinking about it and it was only last week that I found out. He says he has no idea, he's done nothing wrong, he doesn't know what it could be. I pressed on. I know. He says he kissed a girl once on a plane. Last year. I knew he had made a move on my friend (while I was inside my house, unbelievable) around the same time. The next day he admitted to getting a BJ from a stripper while on a work trip two years ago. He said that was it, nothing more, said he regretted it immediately.

My gut says there is more. My heart says to let it go. I love this man. We've had so many ups and downs, but I love him and when it comes down to seeing my life without him, I'm not sure. I feel like a fool that was played. I feel he isn't totally honest about the depth, number, or level of cheating.

I don't want my daughter to grow up without a dad. If there's another point, our sex life has always been great. He said he just took things too far.

What do to? How to feel? Would you forgive? Look for evidence? Ask for a polygraph? :(