Hi all --

I've been reading RP blogs and following thinkers like Heartiste, RationalMale, Ian Ironwood over at The Red Pill Room for a number of years.

I'm about to turn 32, and consider myself as recovering from feminism after spending my teens and twenties deep in radfem lesbian communities.

I can't recall exactly when I came across TRP a few years ago --I just remember scoffing at the ideas at first, until certain posts referred to scientific studies on sex differences that I just couldn't ignore.

I kept reading even though I was uncomfortable, tried to keep an open mind, and realized that many of the principles and ideas were in keeping with my personal experiences and observations.

It's been a rocky road swallowing the red pill, and I've done it mostly in private with a lot of reading and soul-searching as I transitioned away from the social and activist communities that were familiar but deeply isolating and unhealthy for me. The cognitive dissonance was just too much. I want to live in reality, even if it's a harsh place.

The hardest part of all this has been accepting my sexuality. I was a precocious, outsider, tomboyish kid, and I came out as a lesbian in my very young teens when I developed a fixation on my first real female best friend and thought that the "gay" label fit what I was going through.

In hindsight I realized that I've always loved men, but experienced a lot of early rejection from boys due to my looks and personality. Thinking that I'd found a community where I might be able to find love and acceptance, I threw myself headfirst into lesbian communities throughout my teens and twenties.

It's been a lot of lost time. I've spent the last many years celibate and avoiding dating, but knowing in my heart that I've always wanted to be with a masculine man. I struggle with this as someone who was raised by an ardent feminist, as well as being attached to my "smart, outspoken girl" identity.

I know that I'm well past my prime at 32. I'm also a SMV 5 (though naturally thin). I have nothing to speak of in terms of "girl game"; I'm rather masculine, my grooming/presentation skills and domestic abilities are nil. (Caring about fashion, hair and makeup were anathema for me growing up.) I'm caring and empathetic but know that I'm not cut to be a mother. I do not feel like I have much to offer a man to make him happy in a long term relationship aside from sexual receptivity and enthusiasm.

Knowing all this, and having swallowed the red pill, I don't know what to do.

I have a man in my life who's been a close friend for years who has been adamant about his interest in me (and I am very attracted to him) but I truly feel like "damaged goods" at this point. I'm more interested in his longterm happiness than I am in my own selfish desires, and I don't want him to lower his standards or settle for me and lose time he could be spending with younger, higher-SMV women.

I feel stuck. I've accepted the red pill and I'm grateful for the insight it's given me with regards to myself, the world, and the men in my life, but I feel like it's given me a very lonely future to look forward to.

I know there are far worse fates than being single for the rest of my life, but right now I'm experiencing a lot of despair and frustration.

I'm willing to do the work it would take to improve myself but I don't even know where to start, considering how much time has been lost without learning the basic skills. It feels like trying to turn the Titanic around.

TL;DR -- are there any low-SMV red pill women out there who have learned to accept and cope? I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks for the venting space.