Dead Bedroom Marriage

skeleflor · 2018-10-04T17:16:32+00:00

Have you tried actually speaking to him about the drought in your marriage? I think the "Madonna/whore" complex can be very real for some men. It might be a tricky transition to go from viewing your wife's body as that of your lover to viewing it as a life-giving vessel. I've heard men talk about the difficulty of reconciling both aspects of the woman they love. For those men it is a challenge to enjoy their wives bodies for their own pleasure, while still honoring those bodies as the bearers and comforters of their children. The challenge tends to be greater for men who view sex -- or certain sexual acts -- as dirty or somehow degrading of the woman. I have no idea whether that pathology might be coming into play in your marriage, but I think the best hope of a timely and healthy resolution would be an open and honest discussion, maybe even couples therapy if there is indeed a psychological roadblock.

[deleted] · 2018-10-04T17:09:22+00:00

Have you tried giving him the girlfriend experience? He probably sees you in mommy mode so much that it’s easy to forget that fun girlfriend he used to have.

DelicateDevelopment · 2018-10-05T02:44:00+00:00

He is actually submitting to your emotional need in the same way as you submit to his sexual need:

"So here we are now; day-to-day relations are very good, pleasant, and enjoyable. He watches Netflix with me with I say I'd like to spend time together, and he does little things to make me laugh and asks me at night if I'm happy and gives me little kisses on the forehead"

So he is playing along in order to do his best to contribute to a more harmonious home, but he cannot fake desire. You both play along according to what you perceive to be the others need and neither of you gets what you want and need.

However, both of you are still interested enough in order to try to give the other what he seems to need. So yes, I would say there clearly is hope and the solution will be easier and probably much faster than you expect it to be.

Read the secrets of fascinating womanhood :)

Then understand that both of you mirror each other in a way that agrees with two orthogonal needs, which both of you have.

You want more intimacy, he gives you intimacy, emotionally, but not sexually.

He wants his sexual needs fulfilled, which he gets but also without intimacy.

Both of you have entered a stage where you only serve each other, probably hoping to receive something back if you just do what the other wants. And if you don't receive what you need then at least you maintain a situation that is seemingly peaceful.

You cannot resolve this by logic or rational conversations.

Acknowledge how hard he tries to make you feel comfortable and try to understand that inside he just feels as unhappy and empty as you. You know that you get the point when you start to understand what he has been going through. You know that you have reached that point when you feel not only sorry for yourself, but rather sorry for what he is going through as well. Instead of concentrating on how much you suffer from missing him you should try to concentrate on what he is suffering from by needing to force himself to play along rules that make you happy in order for you to feel safe and comforted.

I can only repeat that here now. He cannot force himself to feel desire for intimacy. He cannot feel intimacy as long as he feels that he has to force himself to do something on a daily basis in order to create harmony or prevent escalation.

He needs you to show him now, that you are able to maintain the peace in your family even if he doesn't comply. He needs you to make him feel safe.

My advice were that you should stop to ask him for anything. Don't show him anything else than thankfulness and appreciation. Recognize that he is in a similarly dark place as you are in and that he is staying in it for you because he loves you and because he is fighting for you in the best way he can. What he cannot do is to force himself to feel desire. So basically this is the price you pay for the kisses and netflix. You made him obey to your needs, but it leads to resistance in him to even want to feel close to you, because he is doing so much against his own will, just to stabilize your daily interactions. So as long as he feels forced to do anything in order to maintain stability he will feel resistance towards sexual intimacy. He is in exactly the same place as you are in, just with a different focus in your needs, his need more oriented to sex, your need more oriented to comfort (netflix). Give him comfort. That is why it is important to stop asking for anything. Let him feel that he is appreciated in exactly his own unique way by which he contributes to your small family.

Let him understand that you don't insist on anything anymore. Back off. Your only way is to relieve him from the stress he has because he feels that he has to stabilize you and your emotions.

Read fascinating womanhood. Particularly be prepared for the "pandoras box" reaction as mentioned in Secret 2.

Spazzy19 · 2018-10-04T20:08:14+00:00

Have you actually had a real heart to heart about your needs and desires? You write about doing all sorts of things based off of assumptions...

In my own case, I later found out my dead-ish bedroom was caused by my ex husband’s addiction to pornography. I didn’t have kids And he thought I was physically good looking etc. Once we got married the sex dropped because the “game was over” and I was no longer a novelty. The sex we did have was about his needs and on his time line or done out of guilt on his part which affected his performance, etc. I had zero clue he was looking at it or collecting it the way he was, nor did I understand how deeply it affected my marriage and self esteem.

There could be a variety of reasons this is happening, but you need to actually discuss it and convey your feelings on the matter.

bettertogether143 · 2018-10-04T22:10:47+00:00

I am so sorry. I went through something extremely similar. I found it very painful and lonely. After six years and trying many things, at a point when I'd given up since I couldn't figure out any answers and considered my husband a good friend and co-parent, it all came to a head in the most unlikely and unconventional way. A way that would likely be sorely judged around here. And I'm NOT recommending this, but he and I both agree that it was the catalyst that improved our marriage faster than I ever would have thought possible.

Out of the literal blue I was contacted by what people around here would probably refer to as a Chad (knew him from before my husband, never had any kind of relationship with him then). I immediately told my husband, but it was too late in the impact it had on me. I fell down a crazy, MORTIFYING, horny rabbit hole. Like crazzzzzy. And since it had literally been YEARS since my husband wanted me at ALL and I knew he knew in his heart that the way we were living was ...inhumane (?) I actually thought he might be fine with me sleeping with another man. He considered it and ultimately decided an emphatic "no." But it pretty instantly inspired him to want to do me again. Like, 1-3 times a day, every day.

It's been nearly year of this with no end in sight. And what's more is the whole situation was such a trip that it inspired some profound spiritual growth.

I'm pretty sure when the genders are flipped the trp guys call this dread and it generally backfires and does not work with men, at all. However, our situation was dire and it wasn't any sort of strategy, it was the literal fact that things were so outrageously bad, for so long, that we needed a Hail Mary of sorts. I think in psychology it's hysterical bonding, or maybe that's different. I suppose the name doesn't matter. Also since looking more into male/female dynamics and coming across Alison Armstrong, I wonder if my husband didn't initially tackle the issue because he went through what she calls the cost benefit analysis and confronting the issues in our sex life wasn't worth the cost, when our marriage wasn't on the line. (Like, he subconsciously felt that there was no way he could lose me, so there was no motivation to be that uncomfortable).

In our case I do think it's the Madonna/whore thing combined with a porn-issue. I don't know, I've spent a lot of time trying to wrap my mind around it. And sorry if this doesn't really help, since I'm definitely not recommending you emulate my scenario! But maybe there is something helpful there? If nothing else I will tell you that we were soooo non sexual that this is a total 180 and we are like a completely different couple in terms of sex, so there is hope. Probably, there are other way!

merel-- · 2018-10-04T18:22:36+00:00

You're the mother of his children now... I would say be a bit more slutty for him. Send him naughty texts when he is at work and whisper in his ear what you want to do to him after you put the children to bed. You can't expect a man to just be ready for sex whenever, warm him up a bit!

Whisper · 2018-10-04T22:05:21+00:00

Maybe I had fallen into the trap of "mom pants" and just stopped putting effort into myself and appearance. Nope. Nothing. Then I realized maybe he just saw me as a giant, ugly, screeching, disrespectful witch and pulled away in response to me. I think this is more accurate, and while it's really painful to think that my pain and my need for him was displayed and interpreted in a which which alienated the very person I wanted the most, it was a relief to think that I had caused the problem by a totally changeable behavior. So here we are now; day-to-day relations are very good, pleasant, and enjoyable. He watches Netflix with me with I say I'd like to spend time together, and he does little things to make me laugh and asks me at night if I'm happy and gives me little kisses on the forehead - but I still have the undeniable, deep yearning for something more substantial. Especially when I'm hormonal/ovulating. I tell him I want sex and he flat out says something like, "I'm just not feeling you right now." Doesn't seem happy at all, just kind of annoyed.

The problem is not simply alienation... it is demanding behaviour. Men hate demanding behaviour because it triggers the fear that their protective instinct towards women will be exploited.

It sounds like there a few factors in play here:

You became the very avatar of demanding during pregnancy
He is also unavoidably subjected to a lot more demanding behaviour by virtue of being the father of two young children.
I don't see anything in your summary that describes what you have done to make amends.
Or any statement that you ever acknowledged your behaviour and apologized.

The circumstances as they are now look like:

All his sexual contact with you is focused around you serving his needs (the precise opposite of a demand)
He is resistant to anything that could be perceived as a demand on your part.
He is avoiding penetrative sex with you, precisely the thing that got you pregnant in the first place.
You are focused on how to deal with adjusting or dealing with your needs in this situation, rather than reconnecting with him, and getting an understanding of what is going on within him.
Frankly, you give me the impression of someone who only cares about how he feels because of how it effects you.

I wouldn't be surprised if he is very angry at you, and has been suppressing it for a long time because he doesn't have any faith that you care enough to listen.

Men use sex as a barometer of love. If your bedroom is dead, your marriage is dead. You need to be responding to this in crisis mode, not wait-and-see.

Geronus · 2018-10-04T20:05:16+00:00

Sounds like you may have killed some of his attraction to you in the harpy phase. My guess is that you haven't managed to entirely put the harpy to bed, either. The man you describe genuinely cares about you and your happiness, but he also sounds like a man who's acting more out of a sense of duty than love. My guess is that his feelings about you right now would best be described as conflicted. I'm sure you can sense that ambivalence on some level, and that's what's putting your insecurities into overdrive. You can feel that he is emotionally distancing himself, and it's making you anxious.

Part of your problem, I would venture, is that everything you've done and are doing has been for him, not yourself. It's great that you got back into shape, and I'm surprised that your efforts apparently annoyed him - unless of course your attitude about it was "look at all these things I'm doing for you, honey, now love me!" This is called a covert contract - doing something and expecting someone else to react to it in a specific way. "If I just do this, then he will do that." Sounds great, until it doesn't work out the way you wanted it to and then you blame the poor guy for not doing something he didn't even know he was supposed to do.

Covert contracts are really bad for a relationship. So is neediness. It's good to need your partner, but it's bad to turn that need into an imposition. My guess is that you are continuing to take out your insecurities on him in various ways, and this is why he keeps reacting poorly to your efforts and keeps pulling back. You're treating them like covert contracts and then probably reacting poorly when he doesn't respond the way you wanted him to. This is a self-reinforcing feedback loop, the only way out of which is to strangle your insecurities and stop letting them dictate your behavior.

Does this sound like you?

[deleted] · 2018-10-08T15:06:02+00:00

You need to talk to him about this. You also need to stop agreeing to giving him a release unless he does something for you. You are allowing him to take you for granted without putting in any work. If you find yourself getting insecure or upset, ask yourself, will saying something to him even help? If not then simply don't say it. Keep some things out of your marriage.

ManguZa · 2018-10-04T17:25:12+00:00

Try to behave with him like you're a college girl with a secret crush on him. Be pleasant and arouse him.

mrssmithhh · 2018-10-04T18:57:36+00:00

Make sure you aren't getting too caught up in what YOU are feeling. A good lover should be primarily focused on what their partner is feeling - physically and emotionally. Just focusing on him by listening to him and caring for him more might be helpful.

Food for thought, hard to say if that's your case but I know it's important. And I can see how, even if you know this already, it might fall to the back of your mind when YOUR body is undergoing all these dramatic changes and you feel like YOU are doing something wrong.

On an unrelated note, I'm also a big advocate of playful teasing throughout the day.

cocodecoca · 2018-10-06T15:19:34+00:00

I was really confused about this because I was a psycho while pregnant too and I rarely make an effort with my appearance, too busy with the kids. My husband is ALWAYS horny. We had a great sex life when I was a hippo at 9 months pregnant. He knows I need more effort from him to get in the mood now so he takes me out regularly, wines and dines me, we spend the night flirting and then get into it.

My husband wakes up with a boner like most healthy men and is pretty much ready to go for the rest of the day. He'll go in for a full kiss in the morning before I've even had a chance to wash my face/brush my teeth. He's a good 7 years older than your husband. So I asked him his opinion on this.

He said he highly doubts that it's because you were a bitch while pregnant (wouldn't put him off, he knows women are crazy when preg) and he doubts it's the way you dress. He says that some men have trouble separating the image of their wives as the mother of their kid and a woman for sex. He says loads of guys he knows, it doesn't do it for them when they see their wives as mommy. Seeing mommy in a sex context will actually repulse them.

He says he feels that way too a bit because he saw the damage my son caused when he came out (my son was ten pounds and I had a lot of stitches which made me feel too tight) and so he tries to hold back from hitting on me (lol) and he knows I need to recover in my own time. He feels like he needs to give my vagina some space and healing time. He says he doesn't feel horny every day, just every other day.

Also, he doesn't really watch porn/masturbate as part of a routine/regularly. I know he's telling the truth because he knows I do 🙈 I wasn't convinced at first but I feel like porn addiction can cause a lot of damage to a man's sex drive.

Sounds like you and your husband need a good chat about it so you can find out how he truly feels.

mrssmithhh · 2018-10-08T16:13:05+00:00

I wanted to thank everyone on here for the advice and comments. Just being able to talk about it (even if just via Internet) was a HUGE relief in itself. I think there’s a lot for me to consider and think about, but the support really did help. Thank you RPW!

CalvinRichland · 2018-10-17T05:37:44+00:00

Men usually can forgive easily. Admit you were insane, apoligize, and then just be really sweet and soft until he comes back around. Don't have him do anything for you. Do eveything for him and ask for nothing.

3 months minimum as long as 6.

Title	Dead Bedroom Marriage
Author	mrssmithhh
Upvotes	30
Comments	55
Date	October 4, 2018 4:53 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dead-bedroom-marriage.3003 https://theredarchive.com/post/3003
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9ldoaf/dead_bedroom_marriage/