Hello ladies I got an issue which I can't seem to solve properly and I thought some of you can maybe help me out with this.

What is the problem? I noticed that when I am in a relationship I always end up in a dilemma. I either appreciate the man and I'm all lovey-dovey and amazed about anything he does but at the same time I become insecure about him leaving me because I admire him too much. If I try to counter the insecurity by rationalizing that he won’t leave and always has been there for me, I sooner or later end up taking him for granted, which offers me the needed security but results unfortunately in me becoming less considerate and impatient (aka being more of a bitch and feeling entitled to things than when I’m insecure). I can’t seem to find the golden balance for years now and started to wonder, if this is even possible and how to achieve and keep it. Another sidenote: Before an argument I’m mostly in either state, and after the argument was solved I find myself in the other. That means: Be insecure and make drama, until I get my confirmation and thus become cocky OR I give him drama because my too high expectations weren’t met and after the argument is solved I admire him for his strength, logic and rational mind and his patience and love for me.

Since this is related to respect I wondered if there is even something that can be done? To me it’s either: respect & admiration but feel insecure and thus be overly jealous and too needy of confirmation from my man OR disrespect & entitlement and hold too high demands of my man, but feel secure and be able to leave him the time and freedom he needs.

What are your faults? I swing from one extreme to the other, there’s no middle ground in most things I do. I know that neither of them is healthy for the relationship and it’s unfair towards my man.

Why do you think this problem manifested? The issue is that as soon as I am aware of being in either state I try to neutralize it but I can’t keep a healthy balance. Maybe this happens by being too aware.

What steps have you already taken to try and resolve the problem? I tried to see my man from different perspectives. In an insecure state where I feel like I don’t deserve him I try to see him as my loyal to-be-husband and partner, who I can rely on and that I mustn’t underestimate myself (but this leads to me seeing him as less special and sometimes even looking down on him and expecting him to do more for me than he should).

And when I’m in the cocky state I try to compare him with other guys from my surrounding to make his good traits stand out more in order to be more aware that he’s special to me and that I should be more appreciative and patient (which leads to overestimating him and developing unrealistic expectations no human could fulfill).

How long has this been an issue? Since I became aware of it, about 4 years now.

Are you making a mountain out of a mole-hill? I think it’s generally a legitimate concern because this basically means that whatever my man does, it’s never right. He either has to confirm a hundred times that he won’t leave me and loves only me (for me to feel secure, because I think I don’t deserve him) or he gets mistreated, underestimated and confronted with ridiculous demands (but more freedom for him due to me being secure and feeling like I deserve him).

How's your bedroom life right now? As we’re in a long distance relationship my possibilities are limited. But when we’re together I try to satisfy him the best I can.

Im curious about how you ladies see this and if you have had the same issue: How did you fix / attempt to fix this? Your opinion is very appreciated and thanks in advance!