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Do not be beholden to your parents after you marry your husband!

October 4, 2020

Hello RPW, frequent lurker of this subreddit and I love the advice I read on here. I wanted to share a bit of advice I learned from my own marriage and also observing other women's marriages.

Once you marry your husband, HE should be your number one priority and advisor in life. NOT your parents. I can't tell you how frequently I see this. A woman will get married to her husband, but she still continues to be beholden to her parents. She still continues to obey and consult her parents the way she did when she was living under their care.

I did this in my own marriage. The first few years of my marriage, my husband knew I was beholden to my parents. When my parents asked me for a favor, I IMMEDIATELY sprung to action to help them. If we were running late to a family dinner, I would stress my husband out and become flustered because I could never be late to see my parents. Whenever my parents would visit the house, I would spend the whole day cleaning beforehand. When my car broke down, I would immediately think to ask my dad how to solve the problem (because this was normal for me my entire childhood). When I was sad, I'd call my mom to cry and vent instead of going to my husband. When my parents called me on the phone, I would always drop whatever I was doing to take their call, even if I was doing something with my husband.

My husband picked up on this, and it made him feel as if I valued my parents and their input more than him. It made him feel as if he was second to them. I never realized my husband felt this way, because it was normal for me to rely on my parents and I relied on them my entire life. And when I got married, that behavior didn't just shut off. I continued to be beholden to my parents without realizing it was hurting my husband's feelings and undermining him as a man.

I see this frequently with other women in their marriages. One of my female friends just made her husband quit his job and move back to her home state so she could be close to her parents, because she couldn't handle living across the country and being away from them. After the move, their marriage slowly fell apart because it's obvious she needs and values her parents more than her husband.

You can still love and respect your parents and be close with them! BUT your husband should be your number one priority, and I would suggest you take some time to examine your behavior toward your parents and see if some of your actions undermine your husband in favor of your parents. Your husband should have no doubt in his mind that HE is your number one loyalty and that HE has your respect first and foremost, before anyone else, including your parents.

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Post Information
Title Do not be beholden to your parents after you marry your husband!
Author PinkAnna
Upvotes 133
Comments 25
Date October 4, 2020 7:52 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–]HarperL8810 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband actually had this issue with his parents. My parents were actually the ones who had to sit him down and have a coming to Jesus discussion that I was now his priority. It was him and I as a team, no longer the nuclear family we were raised from. It also helps if the parents realize and understand the dynamic has also changed. Daughters will always be closer with their moms, and that's fine, but I don't go running to them when my husband and i are fixing things around the house or making financial decisions.

[–]saltlamp6741 points42 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I am very curious as to how women from diverse family backgrounds feel about this. I understand this point of view and I think most women should follow this if their family dynamic allows for it.

I come from a big Italian family. We have all grown up around each other for generations. I should add that everyone in my family has a healthy marriage and our entire family gets along. When I am married, I can not fathom not being around to help my parents or not having them actively in my life. Financially, emotionally, problem-solving wise I am becoming/ can see myself being entirely independent from them and dependent on my SO instead, and that is how my family is. But I think if my parents asked me for something I would always do it and not think twice about it.

[–]lensneko22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m from a Chinese background and everyone feels as if they need to know your business. I’ve heard stories of Chinese women being beholden to their parents when they’re married and they tend to be miserable. Your husband is marrying you, not your family

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Both my culture and religion emphasize value on parents. My parents always come first to my husband. I expect him to place his parents before me. If he doesn't I will lose respect for him.

If they call, I would answer them. And if they need something from me, I would prioritize them. If my parents need something from me that is in direct conflict to my husband, I would consult him. Even if my parents become demanding, I would be obligated to them. My parents love me and raised me like no other human will. I don't think my husband could ever compete with that. I would just have to learn to navigate my relationship to learn to do the best for my parents and my husband.

At some point I will take care of my parents when they become too old. Its normal in my culture for parents to live with their kids.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]saltlamp674 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I very much agree, I just wanted to clarify the distinction between maintaining your dependency on them versus maintaining your relationship with them. It is definitely embarrassing for a woman to refuse to allow her husband to take on the responsibilities of her parents -- what does that tell him about the faith she has in him as a husband?

[–]yungsweetro2 Stars7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Not married yet, but I definitely see myself having this problem when I get married! I’m super close with my parents and rely on them for a lot. You don’t have to lose how close you are with your family but you definitely should acknowledge that your husband is your family and priority as well.

This is great advice for those who grew up in healthy households and with tight-knit families :)

[–]PinkAnna1 Star[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

100%. :) I'm the epitome of a mommy's/daddy's girl, and we've always been super close. I married my husband very young (age 20), so I went from living under my parents roof, to directly living under my husband's roof. I immediately went from their care, to his care.

I had to metaphorically cut the umbilical cord and realize my parents are no longer my captain, my husband is the captain, and he will be for the remainder of my life. I will always respect my parents, but I should give my captain the MOST respect.

[–]yungsweetro2 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same here :) I’m an only child and it was easy for me to rely on their full attention throughout my childhood.

I don’t blame you at all for still feeling attached to your family at age 20! Super mature of you to realize that your husband should be the captain and not your parents when you got married at such a young age. Thanks for sharing your wisdom :)

[–]WhisperTRP Founder1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]OmarNBradley2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh, congratulations! I didn't know you guys had gotten married.

[–]WhisperTRP Founder-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]jazmine_likea_flower2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Though I’m not married, whenever I come across conversations relating to family vs. husband I honestly think it’s a lot more complex. I think if you’ve close with your parents and have a healthy dynamic with them it’s unreasonable and unfair to blindly side with your husband and make him a priority, regardless the circumstance just because he’s your spouse. My mother’s a single mom who sacrificed everything and worked SO hard to raise my sis and I by herself and I could never imagine turning my back on her or pushing her to the side for a man. I also believe you never know what can happen in a relationship and if I ever was left or split up with my husband, who would have my back ? My mother. That being said, I do think often times with relationships outside people can interfere. In a marriage you are a team and if you leave your team member out to dry, the marriage is bound to suffer bc you’re not giving your spouse their earned respect in your life. With all that being written down lol, I guess what I’m getting at is maybe why feel like you have to choose between your parent and spouse? Why not, instead focus on being respectful and fair to both. Maybe some could argue that’s not realistic but I think everyone’s feelings should be considered when dealing with spouse/ partner dynamics.

[–]WellyJellyBelly0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I completely agree! Since it seems we are the minority opinion, get ready to be downvoted as hell, haha.

I have a very different upbringing and mindset and was raised in a different culture... so I have a complete opposite opinion of OP and am still not fully understanding this posts perspective. But hey, contrary opinions fuels the mind.

The biggest issue I have with this the the wording “prioritizing” the husband and putting him first before family. I just think that’s downright dumb. Your family will always be your family. But your husband can always leave, cheat, etc etc. and find a new wife (and vice versa). The idea of putting him first above anyone else and setting him up on a pedestal is incredibly callow and chauvinistic. There is clearly a very distinct difference between OP’s views and our set of views regarding this. To us, no one will ever trump family. To her, her husband will always be first.

A more reasonable approach to this issue is not putting either party first. There is no need to apply these labels of “first”. It’s an incredibly bad misplacement of judgement. Prioritization should NOT be placed on a person, it should be placed on the most healthy, sound, and reasonable advise.

[–]UnDefinedLegacy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

In my culture parents try to minimize themselves to the point where it's a bit unhealthy. They don't ask for help so you gotta impose on them. Which is what I'm doing now with the animals at the house.

[–]PawfullyPlayful0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I value my fiance more than anyone but he knows that if we were to move far away from my parents he'd have to spend a hefty amount on plane tickets because I need to see them often.

Hispanic family and all of that.

[–]velvetcade0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for this reminder! This is exactly why I want to get married: so that I can prioritize my husband over everyone else and not have to succumb to my toxic relationship with my parents. In their eyes, while I'm single, they "own" me. If I get married, ownership transfers to my husband. It sounds barbaric but it's the only way for me to shift relationship dynamics in a socially acceptable way.

[–]WellyJellyBelly0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Interesting how you mention ownership of yourself... very traditional, definitely red pill woman.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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