~ archived since 2018 ~

Do women shame each other for making effort?

August 13, 2020

Potentially controversial topic!

I’ve noticed a trend recently, either online or IRL, where women seem to shame eachother for making effort. Effort might include putting on makeup everyday, keeping a tidy/clean house, cooking every night. Comments like “omg I could never be bothered to put makeup on every day” or “you cook every night? hell no lol”. I recently went to a friends house for a bday party and she has two small children. She’s quite house proud and her place always looks lovely. Someone commented “omg this house doesn’t even look lived in lol” then they told her she was foolish for having white couches and she’s like “really? I just take the slip off weekly and wash it”. My husband and I are yet to become parents (currently trying!) but I get the impression that this becomes worse once kids are involved.

If I shamed someone for looking sloppy and not putting any effort into their appearance imagine the lash back.

Is this a new thing? Or has this always been around? Thoughts?


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Post Information
Title Do women shame each other for making effort?
Author aussiedollface2
Upvotes 122
Comments 68
Date August 13, 2020 1:16 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]yungsweetro2 Stars62 points63 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

When I was younger I would get teased for putting in effort with clothes and makeup, but that went away as I got older. However, my mom has told me a couple times about when a lot of women in her college days and her female work colleagues would be shocked, disgusted, and literally called her a bitch for saying that she cooked every day for my dad and I. They even implied she was unamerican (she legally immigrated here in the 90s but got her citizenship soon after) for doing so. She understood that they said it playfully, but most people still mean a bit of what they joke about.

She chalked it up to cultural differences, but as an American woman born and raised, I could tell that they had some resentment that she willingly and gladly fulfilled a feminine role and that they were bullying her because of it. Thankfully she’s a strong woman and didn’t think twice about their words, but I think what happened to her prove that your concerns are warranted and that there has been a culture in America and the western world for decades that shamed women for enjoying feminine roles.

[–]NorrisChuck20 points21 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Former Soviet Union I'm guessing

[–]yungsweetro2 Stars16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Good guess actually! She’s from a different communist country :P

[–]NorrisChuck11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah they raise us different in those places lol

[–]HoneybeeSweetPea51 points52 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Oh yes, I get this all of the time! Currently my husband and I live with my FIL and step MIL. My SMIL is a great lady, we get along just fine! But every few days, she makes comments either about my cooking, cleaning or doing my makeup for the day. Nothing mean or rude, just little things like “Oh, look at you being all fancy!” Or “I am just not cut out to be a housewife and clean all day!” Or “I need you to show me how to do all that girly makeup stuff.” And while the comments aren’t mean-spirited, they do make me feel a little awkward. But the thing is, and I think this goes for all women making similar comments, is that they are just expressing their own insecurities or projecting their perceived shortcomings. They are feeling defense and so they feel like they have to be the first to say something.

[–]aussiedollface2[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup this is exactly what I’m talking about! Just the constant little comments. Good point though, it could just be from insecurity, like I honestly do not mind what other women’s choices are or how they live their life. Do you think maybe your SMIL is insecure that you’re setting a standard that she thinks her own husband will come to want or something?! Thanks for the reply xo

[–]comeandbegoing11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very well said. They indeed are expressing their own insecurities.

[–]theartoffun8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would flip the little voice in your head when those 'low key' compliment-insults are made. Bask in the knowledge that you are accomplishing something they are unable or unwilling to, and their only recourse is drag you into their misery.

[–]CorgiLover83148 points49 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is going to ruffle a couple feathers but women do this the most when it comes to weight. Do you guys remember the way some women responded when Adele lost all that weight. So nasty. Some even went as far as saying you’re not allowed to compliment others who lose weight.

Other people’s effort reminds us when we’re putting in any, and that hurts. That’s when the cognitive dissonance sets in. People would rather believe that something is impossible than admit to themselves that they’re lazy. So when they get living proof, it triggers them. There’s really nothing you can do with those kinds of people except cut them off.

[–]quirkypinkllama5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This makes SO much sense with the laziness part!!

[–]sylens971 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]JadedByEntropy24 points25 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You haven't heard anything until you see how petty mom shaming is. You clearly dont care at all for the health and safety of your baby because blah blah blah and if you do you're evil and if you dont how dare you be so ignorant when a little life is at stake you monster

Aka every person you talk to as a new mom.

[–]aussiedollface2[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh dear. I’m so dreading this already haha. It really is sad that the worst judgement of women comes not from men but from other women xo

[–]JadedByEntropy7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Rash young bitter women who feel inadequate unfeminine and ashamed of their own bodies and questionable parenting decisions and trying to take you down with them. X1000 The hormones are no joke and the whole world is telling you you're doing it wrong on top of there being such a wide variety of correct thats so individual that tricks from your first wont help at all with your second!

I even caught myself giving advice once but they were already doing that so i then thought for the first time the consequences of that same thing i just told them to do....outloud...and got the "you're just another one of those" look. 😂 i was horrified.

I was recently scolded by a 2nd time mom that you should not be ever howdareyouinsensitivecreaton asking how a small child is sleeping because that is sooooo inconsiderate of all the hard work a mom does (somehow) and neglects that primal feeding time is constant. That somehow a baby which can sleep the night through (like she had bragged her 1st did from the start) is in immense physical and mental delaying danger of not getting properly breastfeeding during the night. 🤫 wow.

[–]Junebug_2045 points46 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

A woman who makes comments like "I could never put that much time into my makeup" is feeling competitive and wants to bring you down in an effort to make herself feel better. Respond with a warm "Thank you!" or a pitying "Aw that's alright" rather than shame or embarrassment. Don't give her the satisfaction.

[–]aussiedollface2[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s a good response! Thanks xo

[–]quirkypinkllama0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

For me, I say that too but it's cause I'm just trying to say that my priorities are different.

[–]cast-away-ramadi0632 points33 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It a very toxic (if common) behavior to try and drag people down to their level. It an expression of jealousy.

[–]aussiedollface2[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You notice it too? It just seems so lame and a bit sad tbh xo

[–]cast-away-ramadi0610 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very much so. The trick is to recognize it for what it is and to not surround yourself with negative people!

[–]lady_baphomet11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I lived with a girl like this, only she as both rude and hypocritical over it, we were the only 2 women in a house with 4 men. At the time I was single, and she was dating one of the male roommates. She was one of those tomboy skater chick types. She was not into looking put together, was proud of her inability to cook, never cleaned, but felt entitled enough to put that task on me and her bf, and calling me a "lame mom" for not wanting to live in a trash dump.

The guys liked me at the house since I cleaned, decorated, and cooked meals for myself, even put on makeup, and took care of my nails. She'd see the positive attetion I'd get, and then put me down. Like if I was filing my nails she'd say that there was no point in doing nails, as she just keeps hers short. Would tell me that makeup was stupid. OH, and she's constantly made digs about my age! I was 5 years older, so she'd use that to put me down by calling me "mom" or calling me old and crusty.

Meanwhile, her boyfriend would tell me things such as: "I wish my gf was a bit more traditional, like you", or "I like that you take care of yourself, and work hard for the things you have." So, it was clear to me she was hella salty because she was just a lazy, obnoxious, slob.

[–]mydogwillbeinmyheart1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

What a nasty attitude. She prefer to put effort into putting you down than bettering herself.

[–]lady_baphomet1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Pretty much. Well I found out karma got to her, her husband of 6 months is divorcing her. While I'm able to pull dudes who are not only younger than me, but want full commitment.

[–]Iluvalmonds8311 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My personal opinion is that the current trend is to be “woke” and offended by behavior that seems to play into “traditional gender conforming”.
I’ll hear comments here and there from my social circle, but it’s usually because the other person is insecure about that particular aspect of their own life. I just nod, chuckle, shrug and change the subject. I do what I do (look nice, indulge in “feminine” hobbies, etc) because I like the results of my efforts, not for anyone else.

[–]ytpq8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I hate this, and I feel a vent coming on lol. I don't wear makeup myself so I can't relate to that, but overall, definitely. I think it's been getting worse. A few years ago, it started with people almost bragging about how much they work or how stressed they are, and it seems like it's become a pissing match for a lot of things.

A few years ago I was 50 pounds overweight and dealing with active alcoholism (aka my life was a mess). Now I'm about to graduate with my Masters, changed careers, lost 60 pounds and am working on getting leaner and more muscular, and I own a lovely townhome with white carpet lol. I've started seeing all of these (thank goodness I'm almost totally off social media):

  • Shaming people for being healthy. Usually done by unhealthy people.
  • Shaming people for keeping a clean house. Usually done by people whose houses are a mess. My rule is, if my house is getting too messy, either I have too much stuff, my house is too big, or I'm letting myself get too stressed with other stuff.
  • Shaming people for posting exercise videos. Usually done by people who don't work out. I'm proud of my workouts, and I like to document them for myself!
  • Shaming people for making good money. Usually done by people who never quite got a career to stick. Dude, I was making shit money, and I was in REHAB when I applied to a program which helped me change careers.
  • Shaming people for not being stressed or upset all the time. Usually done by people who are on social media 24/7 and always need to be upset about something. I have naturally high anxiety. Might be a big reason why I drank. I've worked so hard to develop a healthy self-awareness, and I have a regular meditation practice which helps.

[–]sivisamarii9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To me it’s always come across as a form of reverse snobbery. “I’m too cool, too relaxed, modern, too feminist, etc. to care.”

Just another example of crab in a bucket mentality- people can’t stand watching you do things they don’t have the confidence or discipline (or whatever else) to pull off

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]yungsweetro2 Stars4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I actually agree with you! I commented that people used to comment/tease me on my makeup but have stopped now, and I think at least some part of it is that I’m much better with makeup now in my 20s than I was as a teenager with overdrawn eye brows and badly blended eye shadow! Some people still teased me when I had more natural days, but nowadays my goal is that “is she even wearing makeup?” look that took me 10 minutes just to carefully draw individual brow hairs alone on top of so many more steps. I think it’s a combo of both lol

[–]transdermalcelebrity6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I see far too many women shaming each other, period. Yes, lately it seems especially focused on being shamed for putting effort into facets of traditional femininity. However I see it in other areas too and it definitely seems to be competitive in some fashion, and is often snuck in as “playful banter”, with a laugh expected after the comment despite the fact that it was actually critical and belittling. I’ve seen it used against stay at home moms, for how people dress in the workplace, for not sleeping around and/ or staying with one man, against a friend who got her nails done almost every week, and for wearing a dress almost every day. It’s probably happened in other areas and I just didn’t notice.

[–]leinlin5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just came back from drinking coffee with a group of friends and one of the girls was asking me who I wear make up for. Last time she was pointing out that I wasn’t wearing any. Both occasions made me feel uncomfortable.

[–]TheBunk_TB5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Herd mentality/knocking down the competition behavior/crabs in bucket. It is easier to criticize than actually do something to improve or meet up.

Ask a guy that loses weight or wears better clothes

[–]CowWhale121320 points21 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is quite common in women. I think a lot of woman want to always one up each other. I see it a lot, and I'm going to admit, I used to think this way as well, (luckily think and not say out loud) can confirm it comes from jealousy. I'm glad I found out before I've actually said anything to make anyone feel bad. We always fight about how "men are more superior" and how "men are the enemy" but in reality, no man has put a woman down as much as a woman has.

[–]mydogwillbeinmyheart0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sadly yes.

[–]Raebrained0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]Mysterious_Reality_99 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

LOL this is just the adult version of the 2012 tumblr teen girls who were like "im not like other girls i dont like makeup and i eat chicken nuggets instead of dieting"

[–]Jiatingzhufu4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think this has always been around, and unfortunately it seems that women especially are competitive in nature. I find a lot of joy in cooking and someone commented on it saying that could never do that because it’s just so much work and they just get take away every day.

I think it’s connected to the low maintenance ‘pick me’ girl trope

[–]mydogwillbeinmyheart0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd love to buy food every day though, but I'm not a millionare :(

[–]rrroserrred4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I received comments like this from my sister, brother-in-law, and other members of extended family once I started making efforts at improving my appearance starting in 2016. I used to be very frumpy, weird, and unattractive. I used to be proud of all of that, as a defense mechanism, and was internally judgey of other women's appearances. Honestly, I think the fear of ridicule and my character limitations/weakness were one of the major factors holding me back from just "going for it" and actually making an effort to change myself. I'm so glad I discovered this subreddit (lurker here), liberating public intellectuals like Camille Paglia and others, and WENT FOR IT. Now I would applaud anyone who makes effort; I interpret it as bravery and empowerment now.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]aussiedollface2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha yasssss. Love it. I really enjoy fashion and picking a few trends every season to incorporate. My husband appreciates it but i do it for ME. 💃🏼

[–]LouiseConnor2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it’s newer-ish and comes from the “hot mess” culture. Being a basically put together hot mess is the most acceptable bc people are too easily offended by people who aren’t mediocre. They take someone achieving something or having a general habit or higher standard in some area of life, think about themSELF and somehow that it’s a reflection on themSELF, instead what it is - a reflection of that other person. As if the other person is doing for others. I think the internet and social media has exacerbated this. Bc never before have we seen so many pictures of spotless living rooms and bathroom decor or OOTD or life hacks. Etc.

[–]Banincoming6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The crab bucket is real.

[–]RoseHipsDoLie7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oh boy do I feel this post! It’s almost as if my friends take pleasure when I’m frumpy and my house is unkempt. They certainly jump at the opportunity to let me know “wow who are you trying to impress today?” If I put on jeans instead of sweats.

I make dinner for my family every night and when I share this info with a group in conversation, without fail, I’ll get someone responding- “my husband does all the cooking in my house, I would never cook every night. He waits on me!”

It doesn’t change when you have kids (hasn’t for me anyway). The divide gets larger because there is more contrast in the messes, and people are probably more resentful when you present a certain way that looks like you got your shit together! Especially in an area they are insecure about.

Anyway, for me, it’s mostly around traditional housewife roles and appearances. I just let it roll off the best I can

[–]RhettButler71 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

“my husband does all the cooking in my house, I would never cook every night. He waits on me!”

Don't be surprised when you see them divorce and she says something like, "my husband is a nice guy, and a great father, but I dunno... I'm just not in love anymore".

Then the comments become more toxic.

[–]RoseHipsDoLie0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Totally! Well the same people who say their men do all the cooking also have issues. For example- one of the girls husbands who said that, plays video games all night and is a heavy drinker. He cooks dinner to overcompensate and to avoid Lecture. I’d much prefer my situation :)

[–]Sambhavi_512 points13 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

This is becoming VERY common nowadays because of the toxicity spread by feminism. These women think that it is something to be proud of if they are sloppy and cannot fulfill feminine roles like looking after the family, maintaining a clean, organized space etc. That is why they passive aggressively shame traditionally feminine women who enjoy carrying out these duties well. Kudos to your friend for being so well organized!

[–]Buttholespritzer1 point2 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Reread what you have written. This is fallacious thinking. Do you see the double standard?

[–]Sambhavi_53 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I'm sorry but I don't understand what you mean. I thought my words were pretty clear. I just wanted to convey that women who shame feminine women for being 'put together' are generally just jealous.

[–]Buttholespritzer0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

I'm just curious i sensed that you judge women that are less feminine but that might not be the case

[–]Sambhavi_52 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I am sorry if I came off that way. I don't judge women who are not feminine (even though that's the way of life I prefer for myself). All I meant was that such women who put down other women are simply insecure. I'm not judging them because they are not feminine but I am judging them because they think it is okay to passive aggressively put down other women simply out of jealousy.

[–][deleted]  (6 children) | Copy Link


[–]Sambhavi_51 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I haven't read the book but I'd love to give it a try! Reading's one of my favourite hobbies.
Also, considering how in today's society traditional gender roles are being broken, the concept of being 'feminine' would probably change a lot, I agree. I still love traditional femininity (though it does make my 18 year old self look like some granny)

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

If you don't believe in femininity this might not be the sub for you to participate in.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Argue with the crazy pregnant mod. It will get you far. Warnings become bans very quickly.

[–]Sambhavi_50 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh my! Congratulations!! I hope you and the baby are really healthy and happy. You must be waiting for him/her so badly <3

[–]HappilyMrs2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, women can be really horrid to each other, almost always based on their own insecurity or to create a sense of in-group feeling with other peers

[–]RodGronaArSkit2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Happens every time. A lot of people have this passive aggressive behavior to those who is better than them. They are toxic people, better to avoid.

[–]anonkcthtk4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s just jealousy. They make it seem like a bad thing so the bar is lower and they can stay mediocre

[–]aussiedollface2[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Ugh that’s awful that they said such things to her! I agree that is often said like a “joke” but it’s not really. Like you I also enjoy putting on makeup and effort into my clothes, I do it for myself and I don’t see how that could ever be conceived as a “bad” thing or even how it’s anyone else’s business tbh. Thanks for the reply xo

[–]yungsweetro2 Stars11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I agree! If I go to someone’s house and it’s super neat and beautifully decorated, I’m inspired by them and taking a mental note of all the cool decor! Could never get why people would bring someone down for working on their appearance or home!

[–]aussiedollface2[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes definitely! I think that’s a healthy approach. Like my house will probably never be as fabulous as my friends but I enjoy the aesthetic and looking around at things she’s changed since I’ve been there last. I also steal ideas sometimes hehe like I use it as inspo. xo

[–]yungsweetro2 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha definitely guilty of stealing decor and fashion ideas for inspo as well :P

[–]shopdropnroll1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I hate these small jabs. It’s dumb! We should be celebrating people who put in effort. I value that in my friendships. Recently I’ve evaluated some of my friendships and decided to cut out people like this. Some people aren’t into self improvement and look down on people who keep themselves well because it makes them feel bad about themselves. It’s a weird twisted toxic mindset and I’m not trying to adopt it.

[–]DaSnailinac1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Insecure women tear each other down. They feel threatened by what they perceive to be better than them, so to defend their sense of self, they have to tear it down and make themselves feel better.

[–]Correct-Bridge1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, it's usually insecurity and competitiveness over men.

[–]squatternutboshh2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Some women are just lazier than others

[–]verdantsound0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

what slip on white couches?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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