Do women shame each other for making effort?

yungsweetro · 2020-08-13T01:33:49+00:00

When I was younger I would get teased for putting in effort with clothes and makeup, but that went away as I got older. However, my mom has told me a couple times about when a lot of women in her college days and her female work colleagues would be shocked, disgusted, and literally called her a bitch for saying that she cooked every day for my dad and I. They even implied she was unamerican (she legally immigrated here in the 90s but got her citizenship soon after) for doing so. She understood that they said it playfully, but most people still mean a bit of what they joke about.

She chalked it up to cultural differences, but as an American woman born and raised, I could tell that they had some resentment that she willingly and gladly fulfilled a feminine role and that they were bullying her because of it. Thankfully she’s a strong woman and didn’t think twice about their words, but I think what happened to her prove that your concerns are warranted and that there has been a culture in America and the western world for decades that shamed women for enjoying feminine roles.

HoneybeeSweetPea · 2020-08-13T02:11:07+00:00

Oh yes, I get this all of the time! Currently my husband and I live with my FIL and step MIL. My SMIL is a great lady, we get along just fine! But every few days, she makes comments either about my cooking, cleaning or doing my makeup for the day. Nothing mean or rude, just little things like “Oh, look at you being all fancy!” Or “I am just not cut out to be a housewife and clean all day!” Or “I need you to show me how to do all that girly makeup stuff.” And while the comments aren’t mean-spirited, they do make me feel a little awkward. But the thing is, and I think this goes for all women making similar comments, is that they are just expressing their own insecurities or projecting their perceived shortcomings. They are feeling defense and so they feel like they have to be the first to say something.

CorgiLover831 · 2020-08-13T06:17:19+00:00

This is going to ruffle a couple feathers but women do this the most when it comes to weight. Do you guys remember the way some women responded when Adele lost all that weight. So nasty. Some even went as far as saying you’re not allowed to compliment others who lose weight.

Other people’s effort reminds us when we’re putting in any, and that hurts. That’s when the cognitive dissonance sets in. People would rather believe that something is impossible than admit to themselves that they’re lazy. So when they get living proof, it triggers them. There’s really nothing you can do with those kinds of people except cut them off.

JadedByEntropy · 2020-08-13T03:05:02+00:00

You haven't heard anything until you see how petty mom shaming is. You clearly dont care at all for the health and safety of your baby because blah blah blah and if you do you're evil and if you dont how dare you be so ignorant when a little life is at stake you monster

Aka every person you talk to as a new mom.

Junebug_20 · 2020-08-13T04:38:44+00:00

A woman who makes comments like "I could never put that much time into my makeup" is feeling competitive and wants to bring you down in an effort to make herself feel better. Respond with a warm "Thank you!" or a pitying "Aw that's alright" rather than shame or embarrassment. Don't give her the satisfaction.

cast-away-ramadi06 · 2020-08-13T02:30:36+00:00

It a very toxic (if common) behavior to try and drag people down to their level. It an expression of jealousy.

lady_baphomet · 2020-08-13T14:07:31+00:00

I lived with a girl like this, only she as both rude and hypocritical over it, we were the only 2 women in a house with 4 men. At the time I was single, and she was dating one of the male roommates. She was one of those tomboy skater chick types. She was not into looking put together, was proud of her inability to cook, never cleaned, but felt entitled enough to put that task on me and her bf, and calling me a "lame mom" for not wanting to live in a trash dump.

The guys liked me at the house since I cleaned, decorated, and cooked meals for myself, even put on makeup, and took care of my nails. She'd see the positive attetion I'd get, and then put me down. Like if I was filing my nails she'd say that there was no point in doing nails, as she just keeps hers short. Would tell me that makeup was stupid. OH, and she's constantly made digs about my age! I was 5 years older, so she'd use that to put me down by calling me "mom" or calling me old and crusty.

Meanwhile, her boyfriend would tell me things such as: "I wish my gf was a bit more traditional, like you", or "I like that you take care of yourself, and work hard for the things you have." So, it was clear to me she was hella salty because she was just a lazy, obnoxious, slob.

Iluvalmonds83 · 2020-08-13T12:09:37+00:00

My personal opinion is that the current trend is to be “woke” and offended by behavior that seems to play into “traditional gender conforming”.
I’ll hear comments here and there from my social circle, but it’s usually because the other person is insecure about that particular aspect of their own life. I just nod, chuckle, shrug and change the subject. I do what I do (look nice, indulge in “feminine” hobbies, etc) because I like the results of my efforts, not for anyone else.

ytpq · 2020-08-13T14:06:51+00:00

I hate this, and I feel a vent coming on lol. I don't wear makeup myself so I can't relate to that, but overall, definitely. I think it's been getting worse. A few years ago, it started with people almost bragging about how much they work or how stressed they are, and it seems like it's become a pissing match for a lot of things.

A few years ago I was 50 pounds overweight and dealing with active alcoholism (aka my life was a mess). Now I'm about to graduate with my Masters, changed careers, lost 60 pounds and am working on getting leaner and more muscular, and I own a lovely townhome with white carpet lol. I've started seeing all of these (thank goodness I'm almost totally off social media):

Shaming people for being healthy. Usually done by unhealthy people.
Shaming people for keeping a clean house. Usually done by people whose houses are a mess. My rule is, if my house is getting too messy, either I have too much stuff, my house is too big, or I'm letting myself get too stressed with other stuff.
Shaming people for posting exercise videos. Usually done by people who don't work out. I'm proud of my workouts, and I like to document them for myself!
Shaming people for making good money. Usually done by people who never quite got a career to stick. Dude, I was making shit money, and I was in REHAB when I applied to a program which helped me change careers.
Shaming people for not being stressed or upset all the time. Usually done by people who are on social media 24/7 and always need to be upset about something. I have naturally high anxiety. Might be a big reason why I drank. I've worked so hard to develop a healthy self-awareness, and I have a regular meditation practice which helps.

sivisamarii · 2020-08-13T14:12:28+00:00

To me it’s always come across as a form of reverse snobbery. “I’m too cool, too relaxed, modern, too feminist, etc. to care.”

Just another example of crab in a bucket mentality- people can’t stand watching you do things they don’t have the confidence or discipline (or whatever else) to pull off

yungsweetro · 2020-08-13T04:01:22+00:00

[deleted]

transdermalcelebrity · 2020-08-13T14:20:35+00:00

I see far too many women shaming each other, period. Yes, lately it seems especially focused on being shamed for putting effort into facets of traditional femininity. However I see it in other areas too and it definitely seems to be competitive in some fashion, and is often snuck in as “playful banter”, with a laugh expected after the comment despite the fact that it was actually critical and belittling. I’ve seen it used against stay at home moms, for how people dress in the workplace, for not sleeping around and/ or staying with one man, against a friend who got her nails done almost every week, and for wearing a dress almost every day. It’s probably happened in other areas and I just didn’t notice.

leinlin · 2020-08-13T13:55:28+00:00

I just came back from drinking coffee with a group of friends and one of the girls was asking me who I wear make up for. Last time she was pointing out that I wasn’t wearing any. Both occasions made me feel uncomfortable.

TheBunk_TB · 2020-08-13T14:57:32+00:00

Herd mentality/knocking down the competition behavior/crabs in bucket. It is easier to criticize than actually do something to improve or meet up.

Ask a guy that loses weight or wears better clothes

CowWhale1213 · 2020-08-13T03:08:27+00:00

This is quite common in women. I think a lot of woman want to always one up each other. I see it a lot, and I'm going to admit, I used to think this way as well, (luckily think and not say out loud) can confirm it comes from jealousy. I'm glad I found out before I've actually said anything to make anyone feel bad. We always fight about how "men are more superior" and how "men are the enemy" but in reality, no man has put a woman down as much as a woman has.

Mysterious_Reality_9 · 2020-08-13T07:08:50+00:00

LOL this is just the adult version of the 2012 tumblr teen girls who were like "im not like other girls i dont like makeup and i eat chicken nuggets instead of dieting"

Jiatingzhufu · 2020-08-13T06:42:31+00:00

I think this has always been around, and unfortunately it seems that women especially are competitive in nature. I find a lot of joy in cooking and someone commented on it saying that could never do that because it’s just so much work and they just get take away every day.

I think it’s connected to the low maintenance ‘pick me’ girl trope

rrroserrred · 2020-08-13T11:03:46+00:00

Yes, I received comments like this from my sister, brother-in-law, and other members of extended family once I started making efforts at improving my appearance starting in 2016. I used to be very frumpy, weird, and unattractive. I used to be proud of all of that, as a defense mechanism, and was internally judgey of other women's appearances. Honestly, I think the fear of ridicule and my character limitations/weakness were one of the major factors holding me back from just "going for it" and actually making an effort to change myself. I'm so glad I discovered this subreddit (lurker here), liberating public intellectuals like Camille Paglia and others, and WENT FOR IT. Now I would applaud anyone who makes effort; I interpret it as bravery and empowerment now.

aussiedollface2 · 2020-08-13T18:23:41+00:00

[deleted]

LouiseConnor · 2020-08-13T16:12:03+00:00

I think it’s newer-ish and comes from the “hot mess” culture. Being a basically put together hot mess is the most acceptable bc people are too easily offended by people who aren’t mediocre. They take someone achieving something or having a general habit or higher standard in some area of life, think about themSELF and somehow that it’s a reflection on themSELF, instead what it is - a reflection of that other person. As if the other person is doing for others. I think the internet and social media has exacerbated this. Bc never before have we seen so many pictures of spotless living rooms and bathroom decor or OOTD or life hacks. Etc.

Banincoming · 2020-08-13T05:42:19+00:00

The crab bucket is real.

RoseHipsDoLie · 2020-08-13T06:14:43+00:00

Oh boy do I feel this post! It’s almost as if my friends take pleasure when I’m frumpy and my house is unkempt. They certainly jump at the opportunity to let me know “wow who are you trying to impress today?” If I put on jeans instead of sweats.

I make dinner for my family every night and when I share this info with a group in conversation, without fail, I’ll get someone responding- “my husband does all the cooking in my house, I would never cook every night. He waits on me!”

It doesn’t change when you have kids (hasn’t for me anyway). The divide gets larger because there is more contrast in the messes, and people are probably more resentful when you present a certain way that looks like you got your shit together! Especially in an area they are insecure about.

Anyway, for me, it’s mostly around traditional housewife roles and appearances. I just let it roll off the best I can

Sambhavi_5 · 2020-08-13T05:33:02+00:00

This is becoming VERY common nowadays because of the toxicity spread by feminism. These women think that it is something to be proud of if they are sloppy and cannot fulfill feminine roles like looking after the family, maintaining a clean, organized space etc. That is why they passive aggressively shame traditionally feminine women who enjoy carrying out these duties well. Kudos to your friend for being so well organized!

HappilyMrs · 2020-08-13T10:31:39+00:00

Yes, women can be really horrid to each other, almost always based on their own insecurity or to create a sense of in-group feeling with other peers

RodGronaArSkit · 2020-08-13T20:02:30+00:00

Happens every time. A lot of people have this passive aggressive behavior to those who is better than them. They are toxic people, better to avoid.

anonkcthtk · 2020-08-13T13:08:13+00:00

It’s just jealousy. They make it seem like a bad thing so the bar is lower and they can stay mediocre

aussiedollface2 · 2020-08-13T01:39:22+00:00

Ugh that’s awful that they said such things to her! I agree that is often said like a “joke” but it’s not really. Like you I also enjoy putting on makeup and effort into my clothes, I do it for myself and I don’t see how that could ever be conceived as a “bad” thing or even how it’s anyone else’s business tbh. Thanks for the reply xo

shopdropnroll · 2020-08-14T06:39:14+00:00

I hate these small jabs. It’s dumb! We should be celebrating people who put in effort. I value that in my friendships. Recently I’ve evaluated some of my friendships and decided to cut out people like this. Some people aren’t into self improvement and look down on people who keep themselves well because it makes them feel bad about themselves. It’s a weird twisted toxic mindset and I’m not trying to adopt it.

DaSnailinac · 2020-08-15T18:10:30+00:00

Insecure women tear each other down. They feel threatened by what they perceive to be better than them, so to defend their sense of self, they have to tear it down and make themselves feel better.

Correct-Bridge · 2020-08-13T07:34:03+00:00

Yeah, it's usually insecurity and competitiveness over men.

squatternutboshh · 2020-08-13T05:59:00+00:00

Some women are just lazier than others

verdantsound · 2020-08-13T14:08:31+00:00

what slip on white couches?

Title	Do women shame each other for making effort?
Author	aussiedollface2
Upvotes	122
Comments	68
Date	August 13, 2020 1:16 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/do-women-shame-each-other-for-making-effort.66754 https://theredarchive.com/post/66754
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/i8qjrd/do_women_shame_each_other_for_making_effort/