Doormat vs Deference

Hello class and welcome to RPW 101: Basic RPW. Where I will ramble about the foundations of this sub, what we are and are not and how we can use these tactics to achieve our goals. Class meets whenever I feel inclined to write and you can find the syllabus in the back of the book – by which I mean my head, good luck getting it out.

By any other name...

Submission is one of the foundational ideas of RPW and it is a very difficult concept to understand for new members. People come into RPW all the time thinking that we are doormats who will bend over backwards and let a man do anything.

The background that you bring to RPW will influence your view of submission. A Christian will have learned that she submits to her husband out of reverence to her faith. A BDSM sub will anticipate a firm spanking if she steps out of line. The majority, will stand in the middle and look at each end of this spectrum and think: “where the heck do I fit in?”

Hypergamy leads us to seek out the best man we can find. When we say “women date across and up” this means we are attracted to men who are better than us in some way. He might be stronger, he might be smarter, have a better job or socially higher status. We are attracted to the confidence in these men. They make us feel safe, protected and cherished.

This is fitting because men want to feel competent in their lives and in their relationships. Men often ask themselves if they measure up. Rather than being protected and loved, men wish to feel respected and admired. Submission at heart, is the way we behave to show men the respect and admiration that they crave.

But the word submission is a sticking point for many. If your modern Western brain struggles with the word submission, consider instead deference. We defer to others on a regular basis: to bosses at work, to teachers in school, to those with more knowledge and experiences than we have or those who take on responsibilities we do not want.

Whatever word you use to describe the practice, it does not mean you need to be less than what you are. You defer to a professor because they have more knowledge than you, not because you are stupid. You defer to the manager because they have more authority and responsibility than you, not because you are incapable. You defer to your partner because you love him, not because you can't function on your own. You need not be weak so another can be strong.

A doormat is a woman who will make herself weak to assuage the ego of a weak man. Submission is a tactic that anyone can use, and it can be used this way. Any man will appreciate being shown respect (remember: it is how they love). The person you are harming is yourself.

Instead, find the best man you can. A man whose vision for the future aligns with your own. A man you respect. If you don’t want to follow his lead then he’s not the right man. If you think his plans are terrible then he’s not the right man. If your life goals are at odds then he’s not the right man. If he asks you to set yourself on fire because he's chilly, then he's not the right man.

Choices should be made that are in the best interest of the family and the relationship. Do not quit your job that you love because he wants to be the sole provider. Quit your job because you both believe it is the best way to raise children. Do not STFU when your husband is about to make a wrong turn because you fear embarrassing him (seriously Laura Doyle, wtf). STFU because mowing the lawn is his responsibility and you trust him to manage his own to-do list.

I’m a firm believer that most women are happier with a man than without a man. I do not believe that women are better off with any man. Do not blindly follow a weak man. The risk to your own self worth and the relationship are great. (I know a woman who got herself a stress fracture tolerating a weak husband). Do not make yourself into a foot stool so he can kick back and relax --- unless you are into that sort of thing.

Submission - trusting his judgement, deferring to his knowledge, following his vision - is what you do to demonstrate that you respect a respectable man. If you show him love in the way he desires it, he will cherish you all the more.