We hear a lot of talk about red flags when dating. Especially concerning the narcissistic, egocentric and bipolar men out there. Today I want to shine some light on the type of personality that may not be obvious in the beginning of your relationship. It can however spiral out of control fast. I want to give my experience with dealing with the Paranoid Personality Disorder.
From the beginning of our relationship I noticed that my boyfriend had special "quirks".
If he could not find something he needed, somebody must have stolen it to get on his nerves. As the only persons with access were me and my mom (spare key), we were the accused. I thought it was very weird that he would think that way. But at the time, I let it slide multiple times. I mentally added it to my list of his "mostly harmless quirks", and ignored it as much as possible.
One time he came home with a bunch of ingredients and asked me to cook him dinner. I felt like cooking, so I got started. When he came to the kitchen a bit later, he was immediately confronting me that I was doing it all in the wrong order. I was just making dinner as I would normally, and as I saw my mom do. But according to him I had to have known the correct sequence of cooking meat and sauce and vegetables and I was doing it wrong ON PURPOSE to make him mad.
Whenever I made any kind of mistake it was always interpreted as me playing dumb and trying to irritate him.
One time he was looking out the window at our street (lots of row houses, lots of cars) and commented "Oh, they got a new car." Naturally I was curious and come over to have a look. I am not a car person, so I asked "Whose car, and which one is it?". BAMN. Total blow up. Apparently I was playing dumb again by asking a normal question? He was convinced I should know which neighbor he meant and which car outside was brand new.
I felt like I constantly needed to monitor what I did and said in order to not make him angry. But if I made him angry by "chewing", "blinking", and "taking a second too long to answer" (the fuck?!), how the hell could I function normally? Nevermind that me acting cautiously around him also seemed to be a trigger to make him mad. Whatever I did, it seemed to always be the wrong thing.
Similar episodes occurred throughout our relationship. I was not stable enough to see the truth. At one point he almost had me convinced that I was really subconsciously doing these things to make him mad and get his attention.
These episodes were the lows in our rollercoaster relationship. There were times were it was awesome and it felt like us against the world. And then inevitably the crash would come. It would come totally random, from a seemingly unharmful remark about any topic. And it would be my fault again. Cause I was always trying to harm him, in his mind.
He was also convinced that everyone had ulterior motives for every action that they take. For him, the world was a selfish place where big fish eat smaller fish. Every thing that happened was a sleight against him, and such disrespect was called out. The cashier was not that friendly today? They must have gossiped about him behind his back. Or she's a bitch and thinks she's better than everyone. It never crosses his mind that people could be having a bad day.
A year or so into the relationship, he started reading red pill, and black pill. I can honestly say that it made him a complete disaster. He became convinced that every woman had the possibility to be unfaithful. They were always on the lookout to "branch swing" to a better man. Funny enough he did not pick up on the part of red pill that men needed to be captains of the ship. He has never been able to keep a steady job, always getting fired. It was always because someone was jealous of him, or perceived him as a threat to their function. I am ashamed to admit that for the past year, I have been the sole contributor to our rent and utilities. He helped out occasionally with the groceries and he mostly payed when we went out to eat and such. I suspect the latter was to protect his pride. Whenever I (always very gently) opened up the subject of him owing me a lot of back rent, he became defensive. At one point he even admitted that he does not see that he HAS to pay me back, that if he does it would be a FAVOR to me.
A lot of times, I felt like I was living with a mentally unstable son. My respect for him as a partner naturally dwindled over the past year, as he could no longer be a provider. As a modern woman I was willing to compromise, of course. If he had taken up the household chores and such, I could have lived with the balance. But that did not happen. He did some, yes, but not enough to tip the balance.
At one point, I wanted to discuss our future together. I've always wanted a family and he knows this. Whenever I would open up the subject of a possible child (I know, what was I thinking?!), he would become very defensive. During one of our talks he even suggested that I could use a donor. What an awful thing to say to your partner?
He has now been unemployed for months again. There was a time that I felt I could take it no longer and I asked him to either give me proof every day that he is applying for jobs OR sell his car to at least pay for his part of the rent that he owed. He refused both and told me that I should just trust him. The next few days he did involve me more in his job searching process.
I am certain that he is depressed and it is making his disorder worse.
I have decided that I cannot live with this person any longer. He is draining my shining positive personality. I would never intentionally harm another person. The fact that he will never believe that has made me realize that my own partner does not know me. My work colleagues have a better understanding of my personality than him.
Finally I am stable enough to end it. I cannot fix his personality disorder. His world view is skewed, and I do not want to live in that delusion with him.
I hope this post can help other women who may be dealing with similar issues. Feel free to reach out to me if you want to talk about your struggles.