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Ending my 4-year relationship with boyfriend that has (undiagnosed) Paranoid Personality Disorder

August 20, 2020

Hello ladies.

We hear a lot of talk about red flags when dating. Especially concerning the narcissistic, egocentric and bipolar men out there. Today I want to shine some light on the type of personality that may not be obvious in the beginning of your relationship. It can however spiral out of control fast. I want to give my experience with dealing with the Paranoid Personality Disorder.

From the beginning of our relationship I noticed that my boyfriend had special "quirks".

If he could not find something he needed, somebody must have stolen it to get on his nerves. As the only persons with access were me and my mom (spare key), we were the accused. I thought it was very weird that he would think that way. But at the time, I let it slide multiple times. I mentally added it to my list of his "mostly harmless quirks", and ignored it as much as possible.

One time he came home with a bunch of ingredients and asked me to cook him dinner. I felt like cooking, so I got started. When he came to the kitchen a bit later, he was immediately confronting me that I was doing it all in the wrong order. I was just making dinner as I would normally, and as I saw my mom do. But according to him I had to have known the correct sequence of cooking meat and sauce and vegetables and I was doing it wrong ON PURPOSE to make him mad.

Whenever I made any kind of mistake it was always interpreted as me playing dumb and trying to irritate him.

One time he was looking out the window at our street (lots of row houses, lots of cars) and commented "Oh, they got a new car." Naturally I was curious and come over to have a look. I am not a car person, so I asked "Whose car, and which one is it?". BAMN. Total blow up. Apparently I was playing dumb again by asking a normal question? He was convinced I should know which neighbor he meant and which car outside was brand new.

I felt like I constantly needed to monitor what I did and said in order to not make him angry. But if I made him angry by "chewing", "blinking", and "taking a second too long to answer" (the fuck?!), how the hell could I function normally? Nevermind that me acting cautiously around him also seemed to be a trigger to make him mad. Whatever I did, it seemed to always be the wrong thing.

Similar episodes occurred throughout our relationship. I was not stable enough to see the truth. At one point he almost had me convinced that I was really subconsciously doing these things to make him mad and get his attention.

These episodes were the lows in our rollercoaster relationship. There were times were it was awesome and it felt like us against the world. And then inevitably the crash would come. It would come totally random, from a seemingly unharmful remark about any topic. And it would be my fault again. Cause I was always trying to harm him, in his mind.

He was also convinced that everyone had ulterior motives for every action that they take. For him, the world was a selfish place where big fish eat smaller fish. Every thing that happened was a sleight against him, and such disrespect was called out. The cashier was not that friendly today? They must have gossiped about him behind his back. Or she's a bitch and thinks she's better than everyone. It never crosses his mind that people could be having a bad day.

A year or so into the relationship, he started reading red pill, and black pill. I can honestly say that it made him a complete disaster. He became convinced that every woman had the possibility to be unfaithful. They were always on the lookout to "branch swing" to a better man. Funny enough he did not pick up on the part of red pill that men needed to be captains of the ship. He has never been able to keep a steady job, always getting fired. It was always because someone was jealous of him, or perceived him as a threat to their function. I am ashamed to admit that for the past year, I have been the sole contributor to our rent and utilities. He helped out occasionally with the groceries and he mostly payed when we went out to eat and such. I suspect the latter was to protect his pride. Whenever I (always very gently) opened up the subject of him owing me a lot of back rent, he became defensive. At one point he even admitted that he does not see that he HAS to pay me back, that if he does it would be a FAVOR to me.

A lot of times, I felt like I was living with a mentally unstable son. My respect for him as a partner naturally dwindled over the past year, as he could no longer be a provider. As a modern woman I was willing to compromise, of course. If he had taken up the household chores and such, I could have lived with the balance. But that did not happen. He did some, yes, but not enough to tip the balance.

At one point, I wanted to discuss our future together. I've always wanted a family and he knows this. Whenever I would open up the subject of a possible child (I know, what was I thinking?!), he would become very defensive. During one of our talks he even suggested that I could use a donor. What an awful thing to say to your partner?

He has now been unemployed for months again. There was a time that I felt I could take it no longer and I asked him to either give me proof every day that he is applying for jobs OR sell his car to at least pay for his part of the rent that he owed. He refused both and told me that I should just trust him. The next few days he did involve me more in his job searching process.

I am certain that he is depressed and it is making his disorder worse.

I have decided that I cannot live with this person any longer. He is draining my shining positive personality. I would never intentionally harm another person. The fact that he will never believe that has made me realize that my own partner does not know me. My work colleagues have a better understanding of my personality than him.

Finally I am stable enough to end it. I cannot fix his personality disorder. His world view is skewed, and I do not want to live in that delusion with him.

I hope this post can help other women who may be dealing with similar issues. Feel free to reach out to me if you want to talk about your struggles.

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Post Information
Title Ending my 4-year relationship with boyfriend that has (undiagnosed) Paranoid Personality Disorder
Author firebal222
Upvotes 131
Comments 24
Date August 20, 2020 10:25 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]Annekke85 points86 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is perfect and one of the few genuinely mature posts in this subreddit. You are never going to fix this man and you have no responsibility to ruin your life trying. I’m glad you are making this decision because you can find far better and live are far happier and stable life.

[–]firebal222[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for that. My personality is very positive, always thinking the best of people. I tend to go out of my way to please people I am close with. I am now working on improving that aspect of myself. Realizing that my needs are important as well, and that any good partner should be willing to communicate about both our needs. I am both sad and happy at this moment. I am not okay right now, but I will be. I will heal from this and become a better version of myself.

[–]WhatTimeIsCowboyTime29 points30 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You have clearly thought this through, and taken a good, long look at how your life has been affected negatively by this man.

You are absolutely correct to expect him to contribute towards bills or chores, without it causing an argument.

I'm very pleased that you have received this decision.

You do need to know, that in my experience, he may not go easily. By asking him to leave, you may be "proving him right about women", "disrespecting him", he may use mental illness as an reason you should continue with him.

You know him better than any of us. Be prepared for how he will react. And know, that whatever happens he will give up eventually and you will be able to regain your shining positive personality to its full.

[–]firebal222[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There has been one time in the past where I had enough and asked him to move out. He was very unemotional about it and just asked me if I was sure, as he would not come back. He proceded to call some family to make arrangements to move out. I backed out of my decision at that time. I was not ready yet to be on my own. I feared not having someone to talk to, or cuddle. I love cuddles! When I look back on that moment, he acted very unaffected. I believe that in his mind he must not show emotional weakness and that acting aloof was him “winning”. I believe that it will go like that this time also. But now I am going through with it. I am a stronger woman now and understand that I deserve a healthy relationship.

[–]ladylabrynth28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's okay to move from toxic people,

[–]fairydust919 points10 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Spot on about paying to protect his pride btw. Leaving him sounds like a great plan, hoping bigger and better things come your way. Xx

[–]firebal222[S] 4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I will take time to heal and focus on self-care. I plan to visit a therapist as well to talk about how this has affected me.

[–]fairydust912 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yes that sounds good. I just want to remind you that you are pretty awesome for providing both financially and domestically, so don't forget that. ❤️ Hoping you find a higher value man who will appreciate everything you bring to the table. Xx

[–]firebal222[S] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think I was providing financially, domestically and emotionally. He never said thanks for anything. He also doesnt believe in saying sorry. He says those are just words and don’t carry any weight. Which is utter crap. It’s very important to be able to say you are sorry. Damn, I just realized that he is more socially damaged than I thought.

[–]fairydust915 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He may just be an asshole girl. 😂 You tried. He did not. I know you'll be fine. Xxx

[–]firebal222[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Probably both :) I’ll be fine! I have a great support network who have my best interests at heart.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]firebal222[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same. I had to show texts from friends to convince him that I was not meeting up with another man if I went out. If I worked late he was always suspicious. Funny how it never worked the other way around. He could come and go as he pleased, not needing to explain to me why he came home in the middle of the night. Because I trust my partner. If this is the only flaw in your otherwise healthy relationship, and you are ok with this, then live with it. But it is almost never one issue. And he can turn the “they’re out to get me” onto you. Making you the villain. All I can say is watch out for that. As I said, it creeps up on you. You look back asking yourself what happened to your loving partner. Stay safe. Message me if you want to talk about it. I promise I will never push you to end it, only to talk to you about what is happening and how you are dealing with it. Sending lots of hugs ~

[–]Killertofuuuuuuuuuu5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Is it possible hes bipolar? This just sounded so similar to what I read in support forums as my husband is bipolar. It's often referred to as Jekyll and Hyde due to there being really great times mixed in with the really crazy and bad/abusive times.

Paranoia is very normal, a lot of assumptions of infidelity is normal, and not holding down a job and the world is against you is normal for bipolar.

You are out, and I don't blame you, but I'm asking because medication can be very beneficial, and if not treated the condition will actually get worse. Don't know if it's something you would be open to looking into and sharing with him to plant a seed.

[–]firebal222[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

It’s very possible that he has bipolar aspects to his personality. He has indicated that he tought about seeing a psychologist, after I told him that I would be looking for one to deal with our break-up. I sincerely hope that he will go through with that. But I have been hurt too many times. I cannot go through another period of rollercoaster rides.

[–]Killertofuuuuuuuuuu0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don't blame you, just sounded familiar in a lot of ways. It gets women caught up in the abuse sticking around because they see the them they love show up sometimes convincing then to stay

[–]firebal222[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I try and hold the memories of his not-okay behavior in the forefront of my mind. That helps to maintain my decision, even if he is being a good partner at a certain moment. I always had the hope that it would be better this time, that we were closer than ever and wouldn’t come down from our high. But he always managed to repeat his actions, hurting me. I was always too forgiving, willing to forget amything had happened. If he could act like nothing happened, maybe I was just acting childish for not being able to let go and move on from an incident? That’s a hard behavior to change for yourself. When you’re in the good period of your relationship you honestly forget about the bad parts. You want to forget, so it is easy. To counter that, I started writing reports of our incidents and then reading them when we were ‘okay’ again. I can encourage anyone to do the same. It helps to ground you in reality when you’re riding the high of your relationship again.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He said “Just trust me”?! That’s fucking rich.

[–]firebal222[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He did! It was very accusing. Making me feel bad for asking, making me the villain and him the victim. In hindsight these things are clear. But in those moments I never knew what was happening.

[–]Bitter_Tradition3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"I am ashamed to admit that for the past year, I have been the sole contributor to our rent and utilities."

Why are you ashamed to admit that? The fact that you had the patient to dealt with him and chose to sacrifice so much time and energy to make this relationship work is something you should be proud and impressed about yourselves. Not many women these days can even keep a relationship for a year.

[–]firebal222[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am ashamed because I let it get that far without having the strength to say that I was not okay with it. I let him get away with a lot of negative behaviors. The blame is not solely on him, I was an enabler in this relationship. I hope that ending this relationship will be healthy for both of us, allow us to grow strong as individuals.

[–]farachun0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Does he go back and forth with his decision making? Does he accused you of things like you’re playing games just because you asked a certain question? Does he call you names? My partner sounds like this but I’m not sure if he js bipolar or it’s just his true colors. We’re on a cool off and trying to fix what’s left. I’m scared he has this tendency.

[–]firebal222[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

He does all these things, yes. He is certain people always play games in every interaction. This makes it difficult to have a genuine open conversation. In arguments and when angry he has called me names. Has thrown things in his anger, leaving me to clean it up. Your partner probably does not fit in a specific mental disorder box. He may have tendencies of bipolar disorder, coupled with paranoia and sprinkled with narcism. Just because we know where the behavior comes from, what the terminology is and that there is the possibility for treatment does not mean that we have to be the partner that goes on that journey with them. How much of your current happiness are you willing to sacrifice for the possible hope of future together? For me, I decided that even if I was willing to have this kind of relationship right now, I would never want to subject my future kids to it. And that is the main reason why I decided to call it quits. You will have to decide these things for yourself.

[–]tothesealikeme0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This post is so validating and almost identical to the experience I went through with my partner, thank you for sharing

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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