In response to some recent posts and questions about weight. From a happily married woman.

  1. BMI is a very poor indicator of health. It was never designed to be used as such, only as an arbitrary measurement.

  2. There is SO much that plays into attraction like ethnicity, culture, region, personal experience, bias, and preferances, and so on. It's really impossible to give much of a blanket answer beyond some basic generalizations that still won't apply to everyone.

  3. Age plays into this as well. Most women naturally gain some weight after the 18-21/22 year old range. I work in women's health, actually, this is getting into prime fertility stages and lots of women, it's almost like a second growth spurt. They may go up in bra size and even a little in pant size due to hormone mediated widening of the hips in preparation for childbirth. Age of the men in context is important to. What men prefer when they are 18-25 and 25+ tends to change as well.

  4. Women need a healthy amount of body fat for optimal fertility. Progesterone in particular is a fat-mediated horomone. Women with a body fat percentage below a certain amount are at risk for amenorrhea, irregular cycles, difficulty conceiving, and difficult breastfeeding. Poor childhood nutrition can increase the risk of small and less than ideal pelvic shapes, leading to increased risks of difficulties giving birth.

  5. "Healthy/ideal weight" is going to vary by individual body type, genetics, ethnicity, etc. I, for example, have about 42 inch hips (was about 40 before I had a child). I've got extremely wide hips, I've actually gotten a pelvic x-ray. There is no fat on either side of my hip bones, it's just my bones, with a very wide pelvic opening. I could diet till I died, it would not change my pant size but more than an inch max. This also allowed me to push out a malpositioned baby, unmedicated, without intervention. My husband loves it, and it's literally the way my body was built, we joke that I actually have "birthing hips". I've learned to love them, dress them well, and accentuate them, which is way more attractive then dieting myself to ill healthy to go down maybe one pant size.

  6. In the past, a healthy amount of body fat was a wealth and status symbol. Thinness was associated with poverty. We now have the opposite experience where thinness is a wealth/status/education symbol.

Men that I've talked to when I was dating (married now), who were looking for long-term partners, women to start a family with, were not as interested in excessively thin women in general. There was a preferance for a healthy weight, but also not having an obsession with weight. Excessive dieting, not being willing to indulge, and obsession with appearance, were all very unnattractive qualities regardless of appearance.

I follow the 80%/90% rule. It's the rule that states in life that you can do 80-90% of the work on a various thing and the vast majority of people will be pleased, impressed, happy with your work, whatever. And you can do that 80% comfortably without pushing yourself beyond your limits, becoming unpleasant to be around, and without causing harm to yourself or those around you.

You are likely the only one that would notice the difference between 80% and 100%. And that last little peice would be ten times the work of the 80% that came before it. And it could potentially take away from other important things in life, could cause harm, could make you deeply unpleasant to be around, etc.

So, eat healthy, within reason. I love Micheal Pollens work on diet and lifestyle, moderation, and health. But if achieving a certain look becomes obsessive, inhibits normal life functioning, makes you unpleasant, takes up way too much of your mental space and energy, that is inherently unnattractive and unhealthy. No one cares about collarbones that much, except the people trying to arbitrarily achieve them.

Yes, be healthy. But also indulge. Work out, but don't obsess. Take care of yourself, inside and out, and cultivate a healthy mindset and healthy relationship with your appearance. Vanity and obsession doesn't look good on anyone.

I had many men in my time of dating say that they loved just average women. Women who weren't "a bag of bones", and had a womanly, feminine figure. Someone who wasn't ripped with a six pack. Someone who wasn't overweight. Women who had breasts to grab, a butt to hold, some nice curves, but more than anything, a fun, easy-going, enjoyable to be around personality who had diverse interests, intelligence, and so forth.

Anyone can get someone's attention momentarily with looks. But it's a much deeper and more profound ability to keep that attention in the long term. Looks will eventually fad, long-term health, mental and physical, won't if you cultivate them.