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Example of why single motherhood is bad for children

vanBeethovenLudwig
May 8, 2017
69 upvotes
/r/RedPillWomen

I'm a teacher. I have a female student who is 12, and she is depressed and chronically sick. She frequently misses class and struggles with completing assignments. She's actually quite bright, though.

Her mother is a divorced woman who became a career woman. I have met the mother a few times. She is a very polished and attractive woman and has a good paying job in some sort of higher administration position. She has a boyfriend. From what I've heard, the mother basically works and spends time with her boyfriend, and doesn't really pay attention to the child. The child is addicted to her iPad so she doesn't have any discipline, and discipline is not enforced. The boyfriend is not involved in raising the child.

I feel bad for my student, but now I see the effects of not investing in motherhood and not having a father figure. It takes work to raise a child, not just financially, but much time and commitment is needed to develop morals and character in children.

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Title Example of why single motherhood is bad for children
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 69
Comments 77
Date May 8, 2017 5:42 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/example-of-why-single-motherhood-is-bad-for.87287
https://theredarchive.com/post/87287
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/69zn8h/example_of_why_single_motherhood_is_bad_for/
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Comments

[–]okaygirl12330 points31 points  (32 children) | Copy Link

There is a saying that always goes around; "It takes a village to raise a child."

But I really don't get when people complain that raising a child was hard. Did they think they were a breeze to raise? What were they expecting, a stuff toy?

[–]Landry8626 points27 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

oh my goddddd I seriously heard a woman say "it's not THAT hard to be a mediocre parent. Just don't do crystal meth and your kid will be fine"

Unsurprisingly, her child is like... the worst... lol

[–]okaygirl1239 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She did? She should take a parenting class! We'd all join!

I mean, look at us measly little paupers with two married parents and grandparents who stayed and helped during the child's infancy. Not to mention the continuous mentoring and guidance throughout the years!

Clearly we must be doing something wrong. /s

[–]Landry869 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Let me write that down "do not do meth" lol okay I'm ready for parenthood!

[–]sg92i12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What were they expecting, a stuff toy?

You'd be surprised. There are a lot of, for some reason low-income, mothers who have no idea that its difficult and as soon as the child stops being a lapbaby (you know, like a lapdog) they just throw it outside barefoot and let it be feral around the neighborhood rather than have to deal with it.

I've told this story elsewhere on reddit just not in this sub. After my parents got divorced my dad went through this phase where he was dating the worst quality women he could find. Not necessarily because he wanted LTRs with them, it was more of a numbers gave. If you have literally no standards at all and go around trying to have sex with anything with a pulse, a certain percentage are going to say yes. These were not neccessarily "trashy" women (although some of them sure were), some were just impoverished or worn down or older then he was. The kinds of people who were more desperate.

So this one woman he was dating had 4 kids from as many fathers, and when he met her the youngest was maybe 2. So on a rare custody period where my dad bothered to show up (maybe he got lost and it was an accident) he picked my brother and I up and took us to his house. It was a cold febuary weekend and I was outside at his place the next day grinding some rust off a car in the driveway. I am going to town on it, ear protectors in, full face shield, unable to hear or see anything else and all of a sudden I got a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around to see some old lady I'd never seen before with the toddler. Confused, I took off the shield & hearing protectors and asked what was up. She explained that she had been driving down a busy road a couple streets over and almost ran over the child. Apparently my dad and his latest flavor of the week wanted to have sex and didn't want to be interrupted by the toddler so they just stuck it out the front door and closed the door behind her. The toddler was then just running around feral. Like, I was maybe 20 yards away and they didn't bother to tell me so I could watch the child or, oh I don't know, not accidentally fill its face with metal sparks if it walked behind me. That was 15 years ago and it still makes me angry. Not long after that they broke up and who knows how the daughter turned out. They're lucky the child wasn't run over or worse.

[–]loneliness-inc points points [recovered] | Copy Link

"It takes a village to raise a child."

This line of thinking is communism 101.

[–]VigilantRedRoosterModerator[M] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Let's stay on topic. This isn't the place to play McCarthy Commie Hunt.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you, this drives me mad as hell. RP is about sexual politics, I don't want to talk about real politics in here.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sure.

I apologize.

[–]okaygirl1235 points6 points  (23 children) | Copy Link

Is it? Because it's thrown around a lot where I'm from.

Maybe the contexts we're looking at it from are different. Where I come from, all it says is that a child needs two parents and during infancy the grandparents are an asset. If you assumed that I was implying that society itself should raise children, I apologize. Children are only the responsibility of the families they belong to and the society should focus on other things rather than raising children who should be raised by their parents.

I hope I've made it clearer.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I don't think that phrase means that other people are literally responsible for your children. To me it means that you should also be an upstanding citizen to be a role model for children. If kids just observe adults around them being lazy or fat, they're going to think that's normal or acceptable. If they observe adults around them being hardworking and respectful, they are more likely to become hardworking and respectful as well.

[–]okaygirl1232 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

In a way, that's literally how society forms

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly.

[–]Landry860 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly how I feel and almost exactly the way my town is... I wouldn't want it any other way!

[–]Landry863 points4 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

A lot of liberals do use that line (I've heard Clinton use it quite a bit)... but I'm from a small communal town in the south where people really do go out of each others way to help raise each others children and it can be very beneficial. It's just a nice part of the culture I guess

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Why does it have to be politicized? It's 'a village', not 'the state'. I hear the same things all across the spectrum.

[–]Landry864 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don't know... why is it always liberals using it? It seems like it would make sense for any political leaning...

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I literally just said I've seen it all across the spectrum.

[–]Landry861 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wasn't trying to argue with you

[–]okaygirl1231 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Heh, I guess. All too often I have to remind myself that I'm from a different country entirely, and things over here are different, sometimes even the concept of "family" can change drastically.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Where are you from, if I can ask?

[–]okaygirl1230 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

India, liberal metropolitan city but moderate-conservative upbringing

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

More homogeneous society and also huge emphasis on family, for sure. This specific child is European, but we don't live in Europe. Her mother has the whole independent woman chasing her career bug.

[–]Landry861 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you are a single mom, unfortunately you are forced into both gender roles which is very difficult but it's the part where you discuss spending more time with the boyfriend that really aggravates me

[–]loneliness-inc points points [recovered] | Copy Link

Two parents can raise a child without the help of the village. Grandparents and daycare relieve some of the burden but it doesn't "take" these people to raise a child.

[–]okaygirl1232 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I definitely agree with you there.

I don't agree with daycare, but I would push for grandparents, as they've already raised you before. So while you're looking down at the baby like "what's this pile of flesh?" they're already reading the baby's signals and guiding you.

Then again, different cultures. Even in my country I'm seeing parents raising their kids by themselves, but I will say that parenting books and blogs can only get you so far. As far as I've seen, families with elders have generally well behaved kids since there's an older and more experienced generation in the household who can put their foot down when first time parents are clueless.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

If you lived alone on a farm, your children would grow up just fine without daycare. In fact, a few generations ago that's exactly how children were raised! They socialized with neighboring children but 100% of raising them was by the parents.

first time parents are clueless.

That's usually not the case when they hail from large families. This whole phenomenon is a recent problem that exists mainly in families of 2.2 kids, where the kids did not get to observe how children are raised.

[–]testmypatience0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

That's usually not the case when they hail from large families. This whole phenomenon is a recent problem that exists mainly in families of 2.2 kids, where the kids did not get to observe how children are raised.

The end is near! is the feeling I get sometimes when thinking about that sort of thing. Society seems to be taking a flying leap off a short pier.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Na, only if the world is flat would you "fall off" when you go too far. Being that the world is round, we "come around" when we go to far.

[–]testmypatience0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

... I think you were trying to respond to a flat earther somewhere.

[–]isabeavis0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

In North America, this is becoming less and less possible. Young people have to leave small town to follow jobs in bigger cities. There are less and less ways to support yourself in a small town; although there is a new wave of young people revitalizing small towns (which is great!), so maybe this dynamic will be different in 20-30 years.

Very few people I know live near their parents or grandparents these days. My own grandparents live in small rural towns where I wouldn't be able to work, thus necessitating me to get childcare.

You see the dilemma?

I think it's kind of harsh to blame parents for making that choice because people would much rather work and be productive esp. if the choice is to stay near aging parents and receive benefits.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

I was raised by a single mother and in turn raised with little discipline. I was very bright for my age but I was not disciplined enough to make deadlines at school, learn how to organize myself, be social with others, or value the importance of hard-work. I recieved all Fs in middleschool. I've had to teach myself these values as an adult, it's been tough but do-able. I feel like I could of done much better academically in school and could of gotten a great career, but I wasn't really given the chance to succeed. I can try now but it's much more difficult to get ahead as an adult.

I know this is a bit off-topic but I wanted to say that there wouldn't be many single mothers if men decided to stick around for their kids. Single mothers shouldn't be looked down on collectively, because at least they are raising their offspring day-by-day. For some reason it's acceptable for men to leave their children in our culture, it shouldn't be this way at all. My mother became a single mother not out of choice but circumstance, my father up and left when I was 3 years old but my folks were married for 5 years before I was born. I was planned yet my dad still abandoned us. It happens. Some men just change their minds. Not all single moms are welfare-queens, my mom didn't take a dime from the government.

I'm sure my mother would of disciplined me if she had the time to but she was working 2-3 jobs at a time to keep us slightly above the poverty line, so she was never home.

Single-motherhood hurts children but sometimes it happens because men decide that the commitment of having a family is too much for them. A man can leave you at any point in time, even if you have a child with him. Society blames women for the dead-beat dads who leave their kids to navigate the world blindly without a father's guidance. I never understood this, why blame a woman for a man's selfish actions?

[–]Rivkariver2 Star6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No fault divorce and hookup culture. Romantic movies. Bad for marriage and family.

We live in a rough time.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know this is a bit off-topic but I wanted to say that there wouldn't be many single mothers if men decided to stick around for their kids.

This is true. Also, I don't know why she's a single mother. I don't know if it was the father that left or the mother that left. Because in this circumstance, the mother is not low income. She makes a decent upper middle class income. The child is spoiled, if anything.

[–]testmypatience12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I know this is a bit off-topic but I wanted to say that there wouldn't be many single mothers if men decided to stick around for their kids.

Men actually like their kids. This myth that men leave so much and it wasn't the woman is just not at all realistic or red pill mentality.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think the men that leave have serious problems, like alcoholism or addiction or gambling. If it's generally a good marriage (no major red flags), men don't usually leave on their own will.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Both men and women have commitment issues these days.

[–]picklepansy points points [recovered] | Copy Link

No one is saying they don't like their kids. Men are just really comfortable with "giving up" on trying to see their kids. Or think it's okay to only see their kids one a year.

This isn't news, but men are generally bad at maintaining relationships.

[–]testmypatience3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No on all three counts.

[–]could-of-bot points points [recovered] | Copy Link

It's either could HAVE or could'VE, but never could OF.

See Grammar Errors for more information.

[–]testmypatience points points [recovered] | Copy Link

They could of gotten away with it too if it wasn't for the meddling bot!

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars35 points36 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

One of the best mothers I know was a single mother. The problem is not single mothers (though inevitably there are more difficulties facing single parents), it's bad parenting.

From what I've heard, the mother basically works and spends time with her boyfriend, and doesn't really pay attention to the child. The child is addicted to her iPad so she doesn't have any discipline, and discipline is not enforced.

I know mothers in two parent households like this. Don't blame her marital status for her selfish parenting.

[–]bowie74724 points25 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Cherry picking data: one example of a great single mother does not mean that every single mother is exceptional. She is the exception which proves the rule, so to speak.

There's substantial data suggesting that single motherhood (and single fatherhood) may cause behavioural, emotional, developmental issues in children.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Do you think that's because of the single mother having fewer resources? In this case, sounds like she would be a shit mother whether married or not.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

In this specific case, the single mother makes an upper middle class income. The child is spoiled, if anything. The mother has fancy things. They are also European, if that makes any difference.

Yes, it is a case of bad parenting. But perhaps if there was a father figure in the family, the mother feels secure in the relationship, doesn't have to work full-time and can be more invested in the child. The single mother working full-time and also putting her free time into dating her boyfriend (who doesn't really care about the child) neglects her child.

Of course, it's difficult to say and it's easier said than done. Maybe the father was abusive and left the family and the mother is left to fend for herself. Or maybe she wanted to be a career woman and left to not be a housewife. Again, she makes an upper middle class income, so the case is different than the typical "uneducated single mother who then has to work 3 low paying jobs."

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Okay, but I've met dozens of mothers like the one you've mentioned who are married. That sort of woman would be a shit parent either way. I'm not saying single motherhood is the ideal, but wow does TRP like to demonise it.

[–]PeopleHateThisGuy6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Some single mothers are without a father figure for no fault of their own. But regardless, children from single parent households are more likely to end up in prison, do more drugs, commit crime, have lower average IQs, and in general participate in more destructive behavior. Like 80-90% of men in prison are from single parent households.

Some women become superheros and do well by their children. The vast majority, despite being well intentioned, are more likely to produce deviant children. It's a statistical fact.

I only bothered replying because it's a major problem in modern society and it isn't something that gets talked about enough.

[–]testmypatience1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's not the resources nessesarily. It is that women more often than not are going to coddle a child a lot more. Every single mother I have dated was like that. They actually said they were really hoping to find a guy that could be a father figure in their childs life and that they have trouble disiplining and "being mean". They equate the emotional state to the goodness or badness of the situation. The other common trend I saw but less of was that the moms would be really mean to the kids and yell and be way too rough when trying to get the kids to do something. They would do this hyper aggressive behavior instead of just working with the kids and teaching them and only getting more stern as defiance is shown. Rarely would you need to ever get that loud with a child or that rough. I've yet to see a single mother actually parent their children well.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

There's substantial data suggesting that single motherhood (and single fatherhood) may cause behavioural, emotional, developmental issues in children.

That's definitely not true lol. I know people raised by lesbians, gay couples, single, dual parented and there is zero correlation. Where's the peer reviewed studies proving this?

Just so you know, many (probably half or more) of married men are cheating with escorts and sugarbabies behind their wife's back lol. So if you want a fake marriage just because there are 2 parties there, that is a choice to be made.

[–]bowie7474 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

There's a shitload of those peer reviewed studies. You picked the wrong person to debate science with

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So did you lol that's my field. There's not. There are dumb articles, bu those articles don't account for things like family income (single white mothers still make more than dual black families), race, personality types, family size, etc.

The fact of the matter is, it is IMPOSSIBLE to prevent a divorce. If a man one day decides to leave, nothing will stop him. And even then if he stays, a lot of them buy escorts compulsively behind the wife's back. These are things you can't control or account for. I've seen my friend's parents who seemed perfectly happy, randomly get divorced because the dad decided to one day.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's substantial data suggesting that single motherhood (and single fatherhood) may cause behavioural, emotional, developmental issues in children.

That's definitely not true lol. I know people raised by lesbians, gay couples, single, dual parented and there is zero correlation. Where's the peer reviewed studies proving this?

Just so you know, many (probably half or more) of married men are cheating with escorts and sugarbabies behind their wife's back lol. So if you want a fake marriage just because there are 2 parties there, that is a choice to be made.

[–]RedPillWonder13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The problem is not single mothers

A large part of the problem is, especially single mothers by choice.

Women file about 70% of divorces, and 80% of that number is no fault. The latter meaning that these women didn't leave abusive relationships, etc, she was just unhaaaaaapy.

though inevitably there are more difficulties facing single parents

Yes, though inevitably there are even more difficulties facing children of single parents.

Don't blame her marital status for her selfish parenting

Also don't excuse her marital status for the damage done to her child.

I agree a lot is bad parenting. And you could find examples of good and bad on both sides of this argument.

Alas, even with a single parent who does a good job, the majority of the children in single parent households end up dealing with a variety of issues, as /u/bowie747 noted. I wish it wasn't the case.

[–]sg92i14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

and 80% of that number is no fault.

I get what you're saying but the 80% stat is misleading since so many states now are only no-fault and don't care what caused the divorce petition in the first place.

These states, which include Wisconsin, Washington, Oregon, Nevada, Nebraska, Montana, Missouri, Minnesota, Michigan, Kentucky, Kansas, Iowa, Indiana, Hawaii, Florida, Colorado and California, offer no traditional grounds, such as adultery, abandonment or cruelty.

Source.

Its also easier and cheaper to do a no-fault divorce even when a spouse had committed a wrong (be it abuse or abandonment). A lot of victims end up pressured into doing no-fault divorces in states that offer both because they don't have a pile of money sitting around for PIs & prolonged legal fights. Seems to be especially true for stay at homes. My dad was an abuser (to everyone, not just my mom). She had been at home for something like 18 years and had no assets, savings, work history, education to get a job with etc. If not for my grandparents lending her 40k for an at-fault divorce she'd have had to do it the cheap & quick way like most other middle or lower class stay at homes.

[–]RedPillWonder3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For those who were in an abusive relationship, been abandoned, or otherwise been through gut-wrenching experiences, my heart goes out to them.

But when it's a spouse leaving for a flimsy excuse (or none at all), that's where my ire lies. I hear and read of more and more women (plenty who write articles promoting such stuff, such as Cheryl Strayed) simply leaving because they're unhappy or some other such nonsense.

This kind of stuff can and often does dramatically hurt their children. Some who never get over it. Not to mention making a mockery of their marriage vows. The same goes for a man leaving for whimsical reasons.

And they left and did this damage by choice. Not because of abuse, abandonment, etc. although that reality is very true for some. I'm talking about the single mothers by choice, to use that phrase. Or single fathers for those who do the same.

I'm very thankful I was raised by my dad and mom who loved and were committed to each other (and still are), and raised me and my siblings. They loved us like crazy, disciplined us when necessary, put in the time with us, all of it.

And yet more and more, I'm an extreme outlier, it seems. With kids going through parent's divorces, some emotionally abandoned, others on medication out the wazoo, and on it goes.

I wonder how many on this board suffer from various things because of a parent's divorce, poor parenting, or both.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know mothers in two parent households like this. Don't blame her marital status for her selfish parenting.

Exactly. I laughed because this has NOTHING to do with being a single parent. Confirmation bias, anyone?

Also, the teacher doesn't KNOW the student. The student could be a total brat at home and the teacher would never know.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

TO BE CLEAR: I'm not saying all single mothers are good, or that single parenthood is the best option (duh it is not), but I'm saying that this particular example doesn't, to me, show 'why single motherhood is bad for children'. It shows why poor parenting is bad for children.

[–]Landry864 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I didn't know you were a teacher! :) I'm sure you're a really good one!

I hate to obsess but this is the exact type of thing I discuss in my blog... mothers just not prioritizing their children. Too focused on their ego and careers.

[–]okaygirl1234 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

But are we absolutely sure that she's a full on narcissistic ego driven asshole who cares about herself more than her own child? I mean, we only know the child's point of view.

That being said, a child without parents is definitely a ticking time bomb. It will show up, if not now then later.

[–]Landry861 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It seems that any good parent wouldn't have such an awful relationship to their child to the point of making up this horrible fib... lol

[–]okaygirl1230 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Keyword being "good"

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, I still have a lot to learn and it certainly takes a lot of work and patience. Long way to go...!

[–]Willow-girl3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It doesn't apply to the above situation, but here in the American working class, pregnant women are presented with a devil's deal. They can have thousands of dollars in government benefits, or they can marry their baby daddy, but not both (in most cases). It's easy to see why most prioritize the money over that piece of paper, but sadly unmarried couples are more likely to break up. And the presence of stepchildren puts a strain on subsequent relationships, too.

[–]Nyquil-Junkie4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This kid sounds like every other 12 yr old I've ever come across in America.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Except she's European.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ummm this has nothing to do with being a single parent LOL. You just mentioned that the mother has a boyfriend. They could get a piece of paper that says they're married, and she wouldn't be a single mom anymore because of that piece of paper.

You're complaining that the mother is spending time with her significant other and neglecting the child. Last I checked, that doesn't sound very "single" to me.

I've seen plenty of married households (even if it is with the biological dad!) that sound exactly what you just described.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I did my senior thesis on the economics behind single parenthood and over all life success of a child. I won't post my research because I like to stay anon, but all my research showed children being raised by single mothers do significantly worse than children raised by grandparents, single fathers, and, obviously, two parent households.

Another indicator to children's success? Their first name.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Another indicator to children's success? Their first name.

Can you elaborate on this? Meaning like "normal" names vs "trashy" names or literally the name (Mary vs Beth for example).

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Names like Mary vs LaDasha or Orangello vs mark

Or Kevin vs sayliour

Like traditional "normal" names vs new age, trendy. Ames

[–]mymonster8u1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As a single mother id like to point out what just drives me crazy. The single mom shows up every day for her children. The father doesn't show up at all. The mother is called shitty. That sucks. This exact scenario could play out if the woman spent time with her husband and had a job. Being a single mom is hard work and its mentally hard. As in constantly keeping back shitty single mom feelings like you have lots of dishes and bills but no support sex or love. People call you shitty for showing up every day for your kids and no man wants you and you live in poverty. Cant you blame the dad? He like my kids dad doesn't bother show up at all. Some of us do the best we can. The mom has a boyfriend? So what. Shes an adult. God forbid someone love and support her. Sure, this mom sucks... But dont lump me in with her. I spend all my time amd effort raising kids no one else but me cares about.

[–]OwnedAndLoveIt points points [recovered] | Copy Link

I have 50/50 custody and its the best of both worlds for divorced parents and children. (I'm not.condoning divorce but it happens). Child is never neglected and has both parents, and parents gets downtime to reduce burnout.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

50/50 was extremely negative for me as a kid. It's just having two single parents who contradict each other. What matters is that both parents are mature, not how time is split. Yes it's good to see both parents but that alone isn't the answer.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Damn, Im sorry. We are doing our best. I was always the diciplinarian and nurturer. He was absent mostly when we were together. Since the divorce he stepped up got help and is actually acting like a parent, so I am glad she is getting daddy time instead of him being drunk 90% of the time before he went into detox. After 17 years it took divorce for him to wake up. For this, I am glad for her. She still has 2 parents who love her and put her first.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hi I'm sorry if that came off very negative. I get defensive at times bc Reddit often acts like divorce is nbd for kids.

I hoped to communicate that parental behavior is the key to kids doing ok through a divorce. I was just trying to say, 50/50 isn't the answer, it is mature and loving parents. It sounds like both of you are behaving maturely and amicably about this divorce and in that case the fact the kids see both mom and dad is great and your kids are in the best situation they could be for a divorce situation.

[–]jonespants0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Definitely. The father figure is imperative. My parents divorced when I was an infant, and it wasn't until my late twenties that I realized the effect of not having the presence and influence of the father. It's unfortunate that the child's potential is being blunted by her mother's action/inaction. Understandably, this makes you feel bad, but it's more important to be able to identify and extract the valuable information in this situation, and do your best to avoid the same pitfalls.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

IMHO, it takes and engaged mother and father to raise a child of either gender.

[–]Econo_miser0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Anonymous report to Child Protective Services may be in order?

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