Expectations vs. Reality: What We Think the Opposite Gender Wants

This one is dedicated to all the RPW newbies who need a bit of theory breakdown. This is a summary/repost of this The Rules Rewritten post. If you already “get” it and have some extra time on your hands anyway, feel free to keep on reading too 😉

Before taking the red pill, there are certain false ideas that men and women often think their potential partners would want. These ideas are often based on what they want in a partner themselves, in a misguided attempt to apply The Golden Rule to love and dating. It would work in a utopia of perfectly identical sexes, but unfortunately (for them, and fortunately for us), men and women are quite different from each other. It looks a little something like this:

Men think women want:

1) handsome men so good-looking that he’s considered prettier than most

2) nice guys who are sweet and endearing

3) neck-to-toe hairless bodies

4) a luscious, full head of hair

5) sensitive men

6) peaceful men

Women think men want:

1) women who are hard to get

2) tall women who tower in heels

3) confident women

4) badass women

5) successful women

6) tough women who aren’t afraid to get down and dirty

Now, that’s not to say that the things on these lists are straight up unattractive to the opposite gender. Women still like handsome men, and there are some exceptions who dig the whole soft, sensitive type of man. Men still like women who are tall, and some exceptions like whole successful, boss bitch thing. But this is RPW, where we talk about generalities that apply to most, not exceptions. We also need to recognize that while some of the sexes’ expectations are reflected SOMEWHERE in the opposite sex’s desires, they are nowhere NEAR the priorities for what the vast majority of men and women actually want.

Still struggling with the concept? Think about it this way: how turned on were you by the sensitive dude with a flower or the skinny hairless guy with a pretty face? That’s how men feel about Oprah or Charlize Theron in Mad Max, at least for LTRs.

Instead, consider these lists reversed:

Women actually want:

1) men who are hard to get (or at least highly covetous and desired by many) - just think of every male lead for female stories like Christian Grey from 50 Shades of Gray or Mr. Big from Sex and the City

2) tall men - ‘nuff said.

3) confident men - aka men who will be confident in their ability to lead us

4) badass men - in pure fantasyland with no responsibilities, a significant chunk of women daydream about bad boys or at the very least hyper-masculine men

5) successful men - again look at how many women want a Christian Grey or Mr. Big type

6) tough men who can get down and dirty - it just does something for our instincts to gravitate to men who can protect and provide

Men actually want:

1) physically attractive women - ya know, men are visual creatures and all that jazz

2) nice women who are sweet and endearing - a feminine personality has gone a long way for the women here!

3) neck-to-toe hairless bodies - it amps up the sexual dimorphism between us and the hairier sex

4) a luscious, full head of long hair - more evolutionary psychology for ya: it shows youth, fertility, and health

5) sensitive women - we’ve talked at large here on how vulnerability triggers his protective instincts

6) peaceful women - we’ve also talked about being a soft place to land and how it will keep your relationship strong

So to the newbies: stop trying to self-project your own desires onto the opposite sex. It would work SO much more in your favor as a sexual strategy to use the reversed lists. Some of us do and to great results. It may also help your understanding of why being “hard to get” ultimately does nothing to boost his attraction to you, or why you shouldn’t be dating the sensitive nice guy if you’re having doubts. Finally, knowing that many people tend to self-project, listen to what they say they want in a partner as an indication of how THEY want to be treated if it sounds a bit nonsensical or suspect.

Again, highly recommend that Rules Revisited post - it’s much more eloquently stated and goes a bit deeper into the trappings of self-projection. I just felt we needed this reminder around these parts!