Hi everyone!

I've been with my partner just under seven months. He is moving out and thinks it would make sense for us to live together, both financially and for our relationship (we live about 40 min from one another).

It isn't that I don't want to. He's amazing. I'm so serious about this relationship that I seriously don't want to butcher it, and I am extremely nervous.

I have expressed to him that I don't really believe it would be wise, and now I feel upset since it probably communicates to him as me being controlling/doubtful.

Some points: (watch this hamster spin lol)

  • I believe that living together before marriage/engagement isn't the best idea, mostly due to what I've observed with friends and Rollo Tomassi's article on shacking up. I have a lot of Christian/Catholic girlfriends too (i'm atheist but a former christian, lol)...none of them cohabited before they got married. The two girls I know have very strong marriages. Another is getting married on Sunday and her relationship is very strong as well, from what I see.

  • Maybe it's just a religious thing, but my friends who HAVE cohabitated had relationships end badly, mostly because the guy felt like he didn't need to commit...maybe both of them got lazy...who knows :/ The girls are pretty feminist so that definitely contributes (oddly enough, so are my Christian girlfriends, lol).

  • I feel that cohabitation is the same arrangement as marriage, aside from the other legalities. Wouldn't the general mindset for men be "why even get married?" or "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?". Without the marriage commitment, there is less pressure to make it work, isn't there?

  • I am still practicing 'refining' myself, controlling the hamster etc. I've been doing okay (er not in this post LOL), I only had one major meltdown in the last six months and hormonal changes were involved. But inwardly, it still takes a lot of control, and I feel that living together might make that so much harder. (i.e, I still catch myself slipping up & using "suggest-tells", feeling insecure, fighting the 'me' mindset etc. TLDR I am far from perfect, and I think living together might add a great challenge for me when I still have a lot to sort out.)

  • I'm so, so, so scared of becoming boring, annoying, physically unattractive, and naggy to him.

I know a lot of ladies cohabited here before marriage, or just cohabitate in general. I would love to hear your views, maybe you can change my mind a little. I'm certain it can work, but I have to get over my fears.

Obviously I want him to lead the relationship...so if he REALLY feels it's best for us, I will end up agreeing despite my sentiments. Relationships are full of risks, anyway, I'm probably letting the control freak come out again. :/ It just seems like such a big step. It's scary.

After writing this, I realize I want to do things his way and not mine. Vulnerability and risks are part of relationships. He deserves to know what it's like to live with me, and if he thinks it's best for us, then I want to trust that.

I'm still really scared, though, so please throw your opinions my way.