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Femininity shouldn’t mean materialistic

January 5, 2020

I’ve come across lots of RP inspired blogs and Instagram accounts of women who are homemakers and place high value on family life (from the appearance of it, at least). However, the vast majority of these women are married to well-to-do men who belong to the high income bracket. They constantly flaunt their beautiful and expensive clothes and luxury purses, all while praising their hubbies for their new gifts. It is nice they give credit to their husbands but I’m just turned off by excess and materialism in general. It makes me wonder if they would be sweet and submissive if their husbands didn’t earn as much and couldn’t give them their lavish lifestyle.

As a Christian, I see things from a spiritual perspective and I strive to honor and respect my fiancé both because I believe God commands me to and also because I genuinely love him. I would love him the same if tomorrow he got a job making 500,000 a year and also the same if he suddenly lost his job and we were struggling. I think this is a big premise of RP, whether you are religious or not.

I think it’s possible to dress feminine and take care of oneself without falling into materialism and excess. Those two things are damaging to the soul in my opinion, and as much as modern women dislike being seen as “objects”... this is exactly how many of them view men- precisely as tools only meant to give them the life they want.

Hope this doesn’t come across as judgmental or bitter because it isn’t my intention at all. If any of you follow any RP women who place value on the home and not so much on vanities (while still maintaining feminine charm) please do share. 😊

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Post Information
Title Femininity shouldn’t mean materialistic
Author lilacgirl_
Upvotes 174
Comments 52
Date January 5, 2020 7:09 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]chickenpork7265 points66 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Mrs. Midwest! She makes her own clothes sometimes, she thrifts a lot, shows her house, her kitchen etc.

[–]baby--bunny15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'll be honest I find it hard to watch any 'big' vloggers when it comes to practical life advice. I feel the sort of traits that help one succeed in entertainment are very different than the kind of person I would like to be personally.

[–]lilacgirl_[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks 😊

[–]Imaskinnybitchyall53 points54 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I've always seen frugality as a virtue of femininity. Especially if she is a homemaker. To me, being good at budgeting and thrifting or making items is all part of being the wife and homemaker. You're still helping with finances even without a job.

[–]BearBareBigBear26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To reinforce this, how much a family unit spends is just as important as how much it earns. Half the spending is the same as doubling the income.

[–]lilacgirl_[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Totally agree with you! You made a great point.

[–]szsunshine23 points24 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I completely agree! I’m not sure what blogs you are referring to - I am turned off by Anna Bey’s school of affluence videos (she hasn’t married her rich boyfriend)! I think Dominique Sache has her own career and she also posts clothing in many price points.

I agree you should love your spouse whether he makes a large salary or not. I remember a Dr. Phil episode (even if you don’t like him) where his wife said when they married he didn’t have a lot of money, but she knew he would do whatever it took to support his family. I think THAT is the key. Can you love and support a man through job / salary loss? Yes. At the same time, I could not love or respect a man who didn’t bust his *ss trying to provide for his family. I guess a more accurate description of my values would be I love my H whether he was a baseball player making $10M a year or a high school phys Ed teacher and baseball coach making $40K a year. But in both cases the H is working hard and earning his salary.

In general, materialism and conspicuous consumption is not something that I value or admire. There is no shame in being rich, but flashiness and consumerism (unless the blogger has a product placement sponsor) is a sign of LV in my opinion.

[–]lilacgirl_[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I used to like watching Anna Beys videos on YouTube (especially her etiquette videos) until I learned she does it to help women attract a billionaire! It was so funny to me because she’s not even engaged and she never posts her boyfriend. I don’t think she is bad and some of her advice is pretty good but I am not her target audience.

I had no idea about the Dr Phil story! So interesting and his wife is spot on! I also wouldn’t consider even dating my SO if he was lazy or didn’t intend to work hard to provide. That’s so so true. Thanks a lot for sharing this with me.

[–]Pola_Lita6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think it’s possible to dress feminine and take care of oneself without falling into materialism and excess. Those two things are damaging to the soul in my opinion, and as much as modern women dislike being seen as “objects”... this is exactly how many of them view men- precisely as tools only meant to give them the life they want.

It depends on how you're defining materialism and excess. Would it be 10% more than your husband's income allows you to enjoy? 30%? Twice as much?

Your definition of "modern women" matters too. Those who expect an education, independence and fulfilling careers would probably be less likely than any traditionally-minded woman to expect their living to come from a man.

I believe that you don't intend to be judgmental here, but imagine this opinion from someone with 1/3 of your family's income, your theories about the moral failings of wealthier women included, except you are now part of the group being judged. Most of life is relative.

[–]lilacgirl_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes... this is thought provoking for me. Made me think so I do appreciate your insight. It’s true that everything is relative and to a woman of lesser means than me, I could be seen as vain and materialistic to her. I have my career and spent considerable amount of time getting an education and so I don’t fully depend on my husband but it’s true.... I try not to judge but somehow there is always a little judgmental in me I need to extinguish. Thanks a lot.

[–]ironsoul996 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yep. Those blogs can be kind of hard to watch... well, that really goes for almost all “influencers.” My family is not as well off and I’m on a college budget, so sometimes watching people with a lot of things makes me feel left out and their content becomes unrelatable. I like Tiffany Beaston. You can tell she’s well off but she always posts about bargains and shops at Costco and Aldi, her recipes are always affordable. She does hauls on clothes I can ACTUALLY afford because they’re from TJ Maxx and Ross. I think she’s a real RPW but she doesn’t really talk about it... she just lives it out :) I remember I get so happy when I would just cook a 50¢ box of cornbread at home and light a candle while I was cleaning. It’s just the little things, for me.

[–]wymone14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Depending on how big these people are, the items may have been sent to them for that purpose. And that’s their job - to sell you things. It’s all ads. If it bothers you, best to start unfollowing these accounts.

[–]lilacgirl_[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Gotcha. I’ve heard of paid ads and I know it’s a way for influencers to make money. I’ll unfollow, thanks for the tip.

[–]wymone8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sometimes they are paid directly. Sometimes they are only paid if you buy something from their link. Sometimes they just want to build good will with a brand or make themselves look like someone a brand will want to sponsor. And sometimes they are genuinely sharing a favorite thing.

[–]stevierose7899 points10 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I am sometimes taken aback when I read about some of the beauty regiments that are mentioned here in some of the posts on self care. I hope it is money well spent, but I have my doubts. Cher once had a commercial where she said something along the lines of: If you could get a great body from a bottle, everyone would have one.

How long does botox really stave off aging? The cost and the health risks seem to outweigh the benefits. My sister had it done and it really changed her normal appearance. She had this kind of startled expression until it wore off.

I am not questioning things like manicures, hair dye, sunscreen, quality make-up, and so on. I just wonder about lash extensions, the obsession with eyebrows, and the other pricey procedures that seem so essential to a lot of women today. It is fine if you can afford it, but how many women use some of the grocery money to get it done?

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your sister got bad Botox. She either went to an unskilled provider, received watered down Botox, only had units placed in her forehead and not her 11’s, or didn’t go to her follow-up appointment.

If you receive unadulterated Botox from a skilled provider and go to your 2 week follow up appointment you won’t have that look.

Please don’t base your opinion on Botox on one person’s bad experience.

[–]baby--bunny4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I even draw the line at manicures to be honest. I think it's such a personal decision though. The question I like to ask myself is "Who am I doing this for?" Am I doing it to seek attention and get compliments from strangers? For cute selfies online? To impress my co-workers? To appear socially normal and acceptable? Because my man likes it? I think all of these are valid reasons in one way or another, but for me if I start basing all of my decisions on one, I am probably going in a bad direction (so, if I wear my clothes in a way to impress co-workers, only get eyelashes done to impress co-workers, etc). Personally I am always on a path to do less things to impress others or seek attention. Another thing that I have struggled with in the past is balance. I have had a tendency to focus on bettering myself outwardly while neglecting any inner development, but then sometimes tipping in the other direction.

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Have you considered that women can invest in their personal upkeep for themselves?

[–]baby--bunny2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think the "doing it for me" attitude is a bit disingenuous, at least for me. When I went from working full-time to staying home, I found myself doing much less of these things I thought I did "just because I liked them." When my man goes away for the weekend, my routine changes even more. Nothing wrong with that of course, just with that revelation I try to always think about why I am doing it for me, and often times I have found it is for the approval and attention I seek from others. With age and time I have found that is not a value I care to seek, but that's okay if others do. I've found that there are still things I love to do for myself, but none of them involve my appearance.

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

People can take care of their outward appearance and not be attention whores seeking validation from others. So, I think that’s great that you recognize people can have different values than you, and that does not make them lesser.

[–]baby--bunny3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Definitely, and I am trying to strike a balance in my own life. Even some attention-seeking behavior is normal and fine in my opinion. I've just struggled in my past with doing so too often.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don't disagree with any of your points EXCEPT the one about eyebrows! They can absolutely change the entire look of a face! But it doesn't have to be expensive - mine are just plucked, brushed and powdered. If they were pale, I'd do a DIY tint.

[–]stevierose7893 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is a part of your makeup routine and does not involve a procedure like (Microblading?) Not sure what is is called when they tattoo fine lines into the brows to fill them in.

Anyway I am not criticizing any woman who makes a effort with her appearance. I have no issue with a nose job if your nose detracts from your beauty or teeth alignment. It just seems that things have gone over the top in trying to meet a particular look that is all the rage right now. Lip fillers and butt fillers and breast augmentation and so forth.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I agree! Microblading is fairly impressive but not for me - but then, I have the privilege of having decent eyebrows as a baseline. No judgement on those who get it done!

Yes, it's a bit over the top at times.

[–]lady_baphomet7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I agree being less materialistic is a positive trait to possess and more women could benefit from being more grateful for what they already have; and stop comparing themselves to the lives of the people on Instagram, considering 95% of the content is staged & edited to look much better than the reality.

However, with that, I disagree with religion being a factor in how materialistic or red-pilled a woman is. There are just as many materialistic and low-value Christian wives out there as well. Religion does not automatically make one more or less moral or good, it is one's choices and actions that dictate if they are a good person/wife, not faith alone.

[–]lilacgirl_[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

You’re so right and I apologize for coming across as Christianity being the only way to be a red pill woman. I meant to say that the principles found in religion (whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim) are very pro family much like the RPW lifestyle BUT it is not and should not be the prototype for a RPW way of life. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense (English isn’t my first language lol). Some Christians I have met are truly awful and very materialistic I do have to say. We should just focus on being good people and leave all the labels aside.

[–]lady_baphomet2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No need to apologize, I agree with the core statement that femininity does not mean you need all that fancy stuff. Plus as you said, you are speaking from a Christan perspective, and it is true that these faiths do put a value on family and community.

[–][deleted]  (9 children) | Copy Link


[–]lilacgirl_[S] 4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I am interesting in learning more about the capsule wardrobe and possibly starting one of my own. It’s nice to hear about RPW and minimalism, I am very much like that myself too.

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link


[–]relaxilla4201 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Do you have any suggestions for someone wanting to learn to sew? I was never taught as a teen and really want to start, but it all seems overwhelming.

[–]hidinginahippo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think minimalism is marvellous! I did a study on it for my degree and minimalists had a statistically significant increase in life satisfaction compared to non minimalists. Now I can’t answer why that is because my research wasn’t able to extend to assess what may impact upon it but my suspicions are:

  • less focus on material goods -greater satisfaction with what they already have
  • less time maintaining possessions (cleaning, storing, house size etc)
  • more time for hobbies


I should also note, my interest was not just academic. We have an extremely minimalist household and it’s been transformative for us all. It’s removed a great deal of burden from my husband too, since we don’t need to purchase as much.

Many of the minimalist youtubers are interesting but there are huge differences in lifestyles and the relationships they participate in so they may not all be your cup of tea.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]lilacgirl_[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Me too! I’ve also received high quality gifts and my fiancé is very generous but I don’t always flaunt every single item. It’s a little crass if one does it often is what I think.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Do you follow kellyhavensohio on Instagram? You might like her.

[–]lilacgirl_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t, but I will follow. Thanks!

[–]HB32345 Stars2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think one missing element here is when you live RPW, your partner often starts performing better in all aspects, often earns more, and nearly always sees you as integral to that success. And so he wants to provide the best he can for you. Some men express that materially.

I love shiny stuff. I am like a crow. My stuff is CZ/glass but it makes me happy. My fiance got my the loveliest diamond band for Christmas because he knows my love of all things sparkly. I would never have asked for diamonds as a gift! But you bet your buttons I haven't taken it off!!!

[–]Kara__El5 Stars9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think this topic is really subjective. While I might scoff at designer brand clothing, purchasing mine from Kohl's and Target and Ross, I do have new, very nice furniture, for my 2,300 square foot house on over an acre of land. My husband and I almost never eat out or go on expensive outings, one of my few luxuries is midrange makeup, and we only have one very low car payment, but I have a $2500 laptop and he has a new deep freeze in the garage.

What might seem like luxury to you is just someone else's standard of living, where they want to put their money. My husband has friends living in a much older, smaller house than ours, and they make similar money. They also drive new cars and eat out all the time. That's their choice. It's not wrong. It's just not mine.

[–]ZegiknieEndorsed Contributor14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is so moralizing it's annoying. I believe being materialistic to an extent is inherently feminine - because materials make for security for our kids.

Let it be known I married my husband when he was still unemployed and we spent years and years living in unsafe neighborhoods before the money came in. I wore second hand and hand-me-down for years, and so did my firstborn out of necessity. I am not consumerist, and still wear some hand-me-downs while husband makes 6 figures nowadays. The kids still wear them mostly. So this isn't me being personally defensive. I am a nature fanatic, and I pick weeds for dinner. You don't see me with fancy purses (I don't even wear one, I have pockets or a stroller or a backpack).

The thing about women who like nice things, is they're called nice things for a reason. They ARE nice. Some of them (gold jewelry) have traditionally been sound investments. They represent securities. And that's why we want strong men. Same thing.

And while you may not be greedy in this particular sense, you're still greedy in another - otherwise you wouldn't be here. You would settle for a meh lovelife like the rest out there. With a meh man. But you want more out of life. So do the girls with the shinies.

RPW isn't about xtian values. They just happen to overlap sometimes. You have a right to be turned off by people with different values, but you don't have a right to go cliqey with RPW like this. You're not required to help or like golddiggers, but don't rally the other girls to try and ostracize them.

[–]ange-nocturne11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly, thank you. Like, I can eat ramen for dinner everyday and live in a dingy apartment with no furniture but I wouldn't want that kind of life for my children. If you want your kids to live in a safe neighborhood, and eat healthy food, afford college if they want to go, etc. then you will need money. Money doesn't just mean designer bags, it means being able to afford opportunities and a high quality of life. Wanting to marry a man with money is natural for women because it stems from our maternal instincts. It would be irresponsible not to care at all about money when you're considering starting a family with someone. Feminine women want to be able to take care of themselves and others well, and exude feminine serenity which is hard to do when you're struggling in poverty or stressed trying to make ends meet. The way I see it, being provided for by a man is something that makes femininity thrive.

[–]wfhere2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

exactly! This post seems very higher than thou and it's obnoxious. It sounds almost bitter and jealous. I am not anywhere near wealthy, me and my hubby are still trying to make it but if we had that lifestyle why shouldn't we be able to enjoy our lifestyle within our right? If her husband wants to shower her with "materialistic" things and she likes showing them on IG, don't follow her then very simple lol Are people supposed to pretend to be poor so they are not considered "materialistic" and your feelings are not hurt? so dumb. RPW has never been about been frugal anyway, if you happen to be than good for you but please don't shove your opinions down other RBW's throat.

[–]jayval901 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Those two things are damaging to the soul in my opinion, and as much as modern women dislike being seen as “objects”... this is exactly how many of them view men- precisely as tools only meant to give them the life they want.

This was one of the things that destroyed a lot of American marriages starting in the 50s, which added fuel to the fire of feminism and a lot of other social ills. It's why I often argue in favor of young commitment, before either one of them is established. Yes that has its own problems (mostly related to FOMO), but if that commitment is made to each other before other things and expectations cloud the judgement, it makes the bond that much stronger.

[–]Muchadoaboutcass2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So well said. To add to that, as a single woman, I think it’s very, very easy to fall into the trap of believing that the material things a man has to offer means the more he’s high value. This is just not true.

A man’s value stems from his belief system, the way he treats himself, his friends, and the woman of his interest. To think, “but he bought me this that cost this much, so that means he loves me” could lead to something terrible.

Since I’m subverted by post modernity I like new things, and I feel myself be swayed by materialistic things to make myself feel better. Shopping when I’m depressed to feel better is an example. But I know we must fight against it.

I’d rather live a modest life style with my future husband and children (where we spend time playing music together, playing games, camping outside) than one filled with material goods.

All in all, I’d rather my husband spend time with me than money. Build me something rather than buy me something. Show me he loves me by his actions rather than his cheque book.

Also, when it comes to femininity, we do not have to wear loads of make up or dress like a Stepford wife. Expensive doesn’t mean beautiful.

Indeed, all one needs is a healthy lifestyle (non smoker and small amounts of alcohol, good diet and exercise),long hair, healthy nails, natural looks, and modesty. They are very very feminine.

Also, kindness! When we’re warm and kind and sunny, it’s very hard to forget we’re women :)

Excellent post OP!

[–]sebastianconcept3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Spiritual or not, being an hedonistic exhibitionist narcissist removes one whole point of SMV at least.

[–]ATrueLady2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Idk I make a lot of money myself so i can afford to buy expensive luxury goods but I still work from home and raise my son at the same time. I worked really hard to get into the position I’m in to be able to this and I’m not using my hubby as a tool.

Materialism, to some extent at least is inherit in human nature. As we evolved those who were capable of getting the best - let’s say best garden, or best hunter, best fisher, best sewer held some sort of status as they accumulated goods others couldn’t. It doesn’t make it right but that sentiment grew into what we call materialism today.

[–]Lilviscious0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm not materialistic by nature and neither is my long term SO, but I can relate to women who flaunt the items they've been given or are able to purchase, because indirectly it shows they are (financially) being taken care of quite well. To me this feels like a signal from women to women, boosting their self worth by showing off what good a man they have. And if their husbands enjoys this behaviour, it is a win-win for those women. People are often more concerned about the opinion of others than concerned about what makes them truly happy. I'm not bothered by it, honestly. I don't share those values and that's fine.

[–]hattiehalloran0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It makes sense why women, including and sometimes especially feminine women, are materialistic. It's in our nature to hoard, organize, and showcase. That is why most hoarders and compulsive shoppers are women. It's a survival instinct that is not always suited for our consumerist society.

[–]turnipthebunbun-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Something you learn very quickly about Instagram is aesthetics and illusions are the names of the game.

If you see someone on Instagram who has a feminine/housewife look to her Instagram, chances are she is most likely giving off the illusion and physical appearance of a feminine housewife, without having the characteristics of a feminine woman.

This applies to any group of people. You might see an account of a guy who has an anti-establishment punk rock look to him, but knows nothing of the scene he is emulating. This is called having an 'aesthetic'.

It's a shame to see women have the illusion of being a feminine housewife, because it cheapens what it means to be one.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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