About 5 years ago I was unhappily married when I stumbled across the red pill on reddit and began learning that I had 1. Chosen unwisely for a husband and 2. Made matters worse by being a terrible wife. I learned and incorporated a lot from RPW but ended up getting a divorce, which was his idea but I think was for the best. But I decided to do things differently in any future relationships because of my understanding of the red pill. After almost a year of nun mode following the divorce, I started dating again and am now happily married to an amazing, high quality man. Here are just a few of the things that this subreddit has helped me to do better.
1 I got crystal clear on what my own life values are. I think this came with time, maturity and life experiences to really know and understand who I was and be ok with myself—it really all came together for me in my mid twenties (after I was already in my first marriage) and I would NOT recommend doing things in that order lol. Along with getting clear on what values I did want, I also chose to leave behind a lot of the cultural/familial values I had been entertaining that I didn’t truly want: things like the pressure to have kids, the religion I was raised in, and some of my mom’s ideas about sex, health, etc.
2 I looked for someone with very similar values to my own. I didn’t realize how important this was until it was too late, the first time around. I specifically chose to date people who had similar hobbies to help narrow my search, since I think what you do in your free time is generally indicative of your underlying values. Plus I value lots of quality time and shared hobbies with my partner. I found someone who not only shares my favorite hobbies, but is also kind, speaks my love language, extremely mature, puts in effort and makes our relationship a priority, sooooo attractive, physically fit and healthy, hardworking, in a successful job, very intelligent and thoughtful, financially well-off and careful, loves to try new things, social, shares my religious views, patient, takes strong traditional masculine leadership and initiative in every aspect of our relationship, forgiving, appreciates and encourages my femininity, fun and funny, is emotionally articulate and able to have hard conversations, comes from a healthy loving family, and is working on goals for the future that I am so excited to be a part of. It was easy to vet when I knew what the lack of many of those things looked like, plus the RPW guidelines helped me keep my eyes wide open.
3 I loosened up a lot. I caused so many unnecessary slights in my first marriage by being uptight about the small things. For example I used to always choose the cheap brand at the store, even though I knew my ex preferred the name brand. It was annoying, disrespectful and definitely not worth it to save a few cents.
4 I stopped being codependent and got control of my thoughts and emotions. I used to let a small thought, or my partner’s mood, or an assumption I made trigger me into a downward spiral. Now I choose which thoughts and emotions to entertain and which to discard. I choose not to take things personally, and clarify or ask if I feel like I’m getting a message from him I’m not sure about instead of making an assumption or blaming myself for his feelings.
5 I started things off on the right foot with sex. I used to HATE sex, I know there was tons of emotional and religious issues in my first marriage that was keeping me from being able to enjoy and give freely with sex. I decided from the get go with my now husband to initiate sex every single day, do things like flirt and wear sexy lingerie and perfume that I never really bothered to do, and choose to intentionally enjoy and be crazy for my husband. I have discovered that I actually LOVE sex and I was totally missing out in my first marriage.
I’ve learned so much from the mistakes I’ve made and from this page. I’m definitely not perfect and I still have a lot to improve on, and I know we will experience lots more challenges over the years, but I am just so grateful to be in a solid marriage to a wonderful person.