For context, I just posted that anxiety thread. This is a series of major breakthroughs for me. It's not over yet but I hope it motivates anyone in a hard place that we can keep going and really try to bring good from the bad. We can't do it every time but it's worth celebrating when it happens. (TL;DR at the bottom if you want to escape the wall of text).



Last night (without typing a novel about just the event itself) out of absolute nowhere my stepfather jeopardizes the lives of my whole family in some emotional break. It's a verycomplex situation I won't get into and he made valid points but ultimately none excused what he did (drunkenly got enraged and grabbed the steering wheel while I was DDing to pull the car over. We were on a windy mountain road at night. I barely brought the car to a stop in nearly the center of the Hawaii but avoided collision). (success #1) He then screamed hurtful, then nice, then irrelevant things throughout the drive home. It was horrible and everybody is about as disturbed as could be, I'm sure including him.

Anyway once in the back with my mom driving I was texting my SO (in hysterics, real hysterics).

This is where odd and good things come from in the situation.

My SO talks me through the ride home, coaches me through the house and by the time I'm in the car with my things quickly (success #2) he has emailed me a hotel reservation nearby. I've been anxious anyway as of late and I knew everyone was expecting the worse from what this would do.

He got me on the phone (and I've mentioned this in past posts but from the day I met him he has been my protector. Never romantically and never in a 'my hero' tingles way for me. Always real threats that need dealing with - he deals with. I'm safe with him always. Anyway once I moved into crisis mode he got me completely rational and I did everything that needed to be done that night to keep everyone as safe and happy as possible. (success #3)

I went to the hotel. He forced me to stay calm for a while on the phone, but I made sure to let him off just after 11 so he wouldn't be more tired for work than necessary and promised I would make an effort to stay fine (success #4) Not only didn't get an attack, but stayed calm, applied for the dream job I needed to apply for that day but was waiting for my last character reference. Had tech problems then at this point it was 3 in the morning, and I got it done. With no stress, just a "don't think about it and get'er done attitude). Went to bed and texted the SO to let him know I had a peaceful night and not to worry when he woke up because there were no attacks or anxiety (success #5).

Today I was dreading work on an inhuman level and debating using drastic means to get out of it..but then decided now wasn't the time to act childish and realized I couldn't handle work being bad today...so all I could control was having a good day. I will tell you I love what I do but I hate the owner (small business, work with her 70% time). I had the best day I've had yet. I had fun interactions with her and amazing customers. It was a blast just because I made not enjoying it not an option (success #6).

While I was there I noticed, my anxiety was gone( there is actual cause to believe I have a mild medical consition, we're not doctors though but perhaps manic depressive -- this is a new possibility and I already have a medical appt on the books). Anyway, that feeling, whether it's being manic or something else, was completely gone. I can feel it missing. It's amazing, and actually probably more evidence there is something there because I'm not naive enough to think it won't come back (that was the mistake before and why I didn't get a doctor, fool me once shame on me, fool me twice..shame on me also). So I'm going to do that. But it is gone.

I got off work and called my mom (who went to family's house) and we had a quick conversation and I told her all she needed to know from me was that she had my support whatever she wanted to do. If the danger he recklessly put us in was too much for her and she left, I would support her and pick up the slack. If she wanted to repair her marriage because of any reason at all, I would never hold it against her. (success # 11..I added this later lol) (I do think they will work through it -- likely with AA)

I got home and hasn't heard from my SO in an uncharacteristically amount of time, for normal text anyway, not for if he is busy. So I checked the last text to make sure it was from me, checked the last call to make sure it was from me, and checked my email to be sure there was nothing there. Then dropped it (I'm not overbearing, this is all because I can be absentminded with my phone). I figured he was either busy, or, understandably, needing a mental health day from the stress of talking to me and being so worried, particularly after last night. So I turned my phone on loud to be sure I would hear immediately if he rang (never thought to do this before) (success #7 - I was really proud of doing that) and put my mind to unpacking the bags I had grabbed from my emergency exit to put that bed to rest..normally at this point I would have retreated to mindless and unproductive task (success #8) (I had actually just moved, to a nearby house but my own separate place...so that was very fortunate timing for all this as I didn't have to scramble for quarters).

Right as I started he rang, and all this good stuff happened.

For one, all the recent successes had me cheerful. Usually I listen to him blow steam about work, which I'm invested in his company and is a good part of our day for me to get caught up, but recently it has been about my well being. He immediately he told me he had signed a lease (had been on the hunt and very stressed, though he handles it better than me.) Anyway I went straight to cheering and asking about the roommates: he was looking for 1-2 roommates and either 1 or 2 females because he didn't want the drama of typical male head-butting; that was perfectly reasonable to me. They are 2 girls, both mid 30's and professionals (either 1 or both lawyers). They're gone 12-14 hours a day (as is my SO) and one is apparently very funny. I teasingly asked if she was prettier than me and he responded "God no, I wouldn't touch her!". I asked about the other one and he said "She's typical movie-style pretty. Fit and a plastic chess, but she's dark and --" I interjected "what, you're racist?" Because of the 'but', again teasingly (and on the record, he is in no way a racist). He laughs and says "pretty much" (that whole conversation, success #9) and then said he's had a stressful day. I'm incredulous because of all this and he says "oh you know, buyers regret" I again don't understand and he explains its because he's never spent such a large sum of his own money on such a big thing like that (we are both 23 and he just started his company) and he liked seeing it in his bank account.

For the first time, I win his soft space to land award (which I've really wanted to be and have been trying). The best part was this was my honest reaction, not a conscious effort like many of my RPW actions have been. I started laughing and asked if he was serious, and told him that it was such an insanely impressive thing that he was setting up an apartment for being relocated because of a company he had started only 7 months prior. I again laughed and said I would love to be able to flaunt that sort of independence and that alone is an unbelievable accomplishment and said 'baby, 'money won't save your life' is what a wise teacher told me.' He instantly seemed uplifted (success #10) and I realized what had just happened and right then he seemed to remember all the crazy crap that happened the day prior and I had been working all day -- I think my lightness made him forget about it -- and asked me how I was and that I seemed...better. I told him all about my day and told him I was putting my things away and putting it behind me. He seemed relieved and then said he had dinner with his mom who was visiting him. I asked him to pass along the message that I love and miss her and to enjoy dinner.

Right as we got off the phone he said "that was something awful and you handled it well and I miss you very much and I'm proud of you." "Yeah?!" I jokingly cheered, then said "I don't even know which one I'm cheering for" and he said "oh you get double cheers, baby, call you after dinner." and hung up. (successes #12, 13, 14, 15 and beyond).

I hung up and literally reflexively did the victory punch in the air.



Wow cheers if you made it through that.

Anyway I know I'm not totally out of the woods and I have no idea what is going to happen next or how it will affect me, but this was a very morale boosting day and a half out of what was probably the scariest god damn thing that has ever happened to me (I don't usually swear but I don't even feel bad there). And so much of it had to do with living RPW truths in a real emergency. I had to follow my SO's authority from over the phone, put my foot down about going to the hote when he told me to. I tried to stay pleasant, and stay light, and give this as good of a go as I can for as long as the depression beast is at bay. I was for once, his actual soft place to land and I'm so pleased.

If nothing else, and if nobody else reads all the way, I have it to read and look back on for motivation.

TL;DR Today I am superwoman up up and away.