~ archived since 2018 ~

FR Update: Newbie here, I guess I’m a plate. How how do we turn this around?

September 19, 2018

I was in a casual relationship with someone who was intending on spinning plates, and I was afraid to get into a relationship so soon after having a marriage go sour, but our words weren’t matching our actions and I’d grown confused after I found myself asking him “what are we?” with bad results. He said he didn’t want to label anything because things were good, to which I agreed, and complied with keeping things “as is” for the time being.

A few weeks later I felt the urge to ask him again but I felt like we had something nice and I didn’t want to chance ruining things so I instead turned to RP, who pointed me over to RPW, who then told me I needed to figure out what I wanted. After finally admitting to myself that maybe I did want a relationship and commitment, I made this post.

After receiving all sorts of great feedback, I realized the following:

  1. I was naturally doing many things in a RPW manner
  2. Although we didn’t have “official” commitment, there was a clear mutual understanding that what we had was monogamous and neither of us actually had any of the prior intentions that we’d spoken of originally
  3. My case seemed very promising for traveling from plate to LTR, and maybe I already had, but I just didn’t have verbal confirmation

This was great but it meant a lot of work and I needed to keep up the investment I’d already made and keep my hamster at bay the entire time, which wasn’t an easy task.

From that post on I followed several RPW members’ advice(thanks! You know who you are!!!) and I have the following list:

  1. I gave to him generously. Not gifts, per se, but I gave my time, company, affection, intimacy, effort, complements, respect, and appreciation to him, without expecting anything back, ever. I won’t lie, I initially hoped my efforts would be rewarded but eventually that desire faded off because truly, seeing him happy made me happier than anything in the world.
  2. I learned to express my feelings in a communication style that works for him, and doesn’t make him feel pressured into anything he’s not sure about yet. Saying “I want to be yours and nobody else’s” or “I want to be your only one” is a scary declaration. It’s so much easier to ask “What are we?” because it’s indirect communication and it puts the pressure into his hands and off of you, but really, it accomplishes nothing except for opening a window for him to be evasive. I learned to be vulnerable to him and express my feelings through actions and by expressing in words that yes, I really like him, and yes, this is also new and scary for me. By making my feelings and intentions clear without throwing the ball into his court, I found the answers to the questions I had through his own actions and declarations, which he gave me out of his own accord rather than being coaxed into it with questions.
  3. I learned to sit on things he said to me that were shocking or threw me off instead of reacting or letting myself think there was something more than what he was actually saying to me. At times he’d say or do things that caught me like a deer in headlights and all I wanted was to dig into whatever he just said and get down to the bottom of it. Instead of asking about it, I just STFU. This was hard. I always find myself looking for a deeper meaning in everything and learning to take things at face value and just accept them for what they are involves a lot of trust.
  4. The hardest thing was for me to trust. I needed to trust him, emotionally, mentally, physically, and in an all-encompassing way that I’d never done with anyone before. I had to trust the process. I had to trust that a little uncertainty would reward me with a mountain of certainty. Most importantly, I had to trust myself. I had to trust that I was worthy, I had to trust that I could do this, and I had to trust my instincts. I had moments where I felt like I was going to break. I know now that an occasional comfort test is OK for helping me get through these moments, and if he’s truly a captain, he’s going to respond accordingly.

Some results and findings:

  1. I was showered with acknowledgment and praise. He never lets anything I do go unnoticed. It’s magical
  2. I ended up breaking just about every single rule I set up with my ex-husband, with him, and I enjoyed every moment of it
  3. I found that being a soft spot for him to land after a long day at work is more soothing to me than him trying to do the same for me
  4. My trust, respect, and admiration was reciprocated to me with acknowledgment, sanctuary, and desire to be with me.

Recently, he asked me to be his girlfriend, officially, and officially monogamous as well.

I know it’s not the RPW way, but I’ve successfully gone from plate to LTR with this man and everything is so surreal and more than I ever thought could ever happen. I know this is just the beginning and there’s a journey ahead but I honestly cannot wait to see what the future is like!

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Post Information
Title FR Update: Newbie here, I guess I’m a plate. How how do we turn this around?
Author stripethrowaway
Upvotes 108
Comments 18
Date September 19, 2018 11:28 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]LuckyLittleStarModerator | Lil'Star[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm awarding you a star, and stickying this on the top of the subreddit. Way to go, keep up the good work.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars23 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It seems like in your case that your guy was at least open to the idea of being exclusive with you and your relationship was already functioning as a committed one even though you hadn’t put the label on it yet.

This is way different than the posts we see occasionally where a woman says, “He’s SO BUSY with work that he only comes over to my place to hump once a month but I’m totally his girlfriend, right?”

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor30 points31 points  (1 child) | Copy Link


The RPW way is about being a good woman in order to get a good man. My relationship started as a FWB / plate type of situation and it's now 11 years later. I wouldn't want to change anything.

You go girl!

[–]WhisperTRP Founder6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know it’s not the RPW way

It is. So is any other arrangement.

Because the RPW way isn't about about where you start, it's about how you get where you want to go. It is far better to start as a plate, and do things right, than to come to your marriage bed a virgin, and do things wrong.

A verbal commitment is not a relationship. A relationship is the bond between people.

I consider the time I spent advising you to be well invested. Good job.

[–]notthatinnocent243 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What are the things he does / says that throw you off or make you feel like a deer in headlights?

Do you just not address these at all?

[–]stripethrowaway 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

He’s never said anything mean spirited, if that’s what you’re asking. Any time it’s come close I push my lip out like a toddler and say “You hurt my feelings” and then he starts laughing and saying he was kidding.

The stuff that catches me in headlights is the romantic stuff he’s said out of nowhere that I instantly want to either pinch myself or question him about why he said it because nobody’s ever said things like that to me and I’m in disbelief that anyone would ever feel that way. So instead of sabotaging the moment I stfu and tell him that what he said caught me in headlights and if I feel the same way later when I have a better handle on my emotions.

[–]notthatinnocent241 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's very sweet and I'm glad, I was worried it might be something he said in passing that might mean he had very different political views or something.

I'm glad you've found someone who is treating you how you deserve to be treated and I'm sure he appreciated you telling him later that you appreciate it :)

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Honest question, is this something rpw recommends? Starting out as fwb/as a plate? I’m not criticizing this or showing skepticism. I’m genuinely curious if this is considered a wise approach. The dating landscape has changed so much.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars23 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

RPW does not advocate starting out as a plate, even though it’s possible in some situations to get upgraded to girlfriend or wife.

As my husband would say, “You can make exceptions to rules, but you shouldn’t base rules on the exceptions.”

[–]vintagegirlgame10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Being a plate is not a good position for a women. Unfortunately our “sex positive” culture has made it so that most men expect sex from a woman before they would consider giving her exclusivity. It’s a tricky position to try to withhold sex when he can easily get it from other women (plates) around him without having to give commitment. This is where RPW tries to help women navigate this maze, teaching women to create value though ways that are not related to sex, so that she can stand out against a sea of plates.

In the past, I’ve successfully withheld sex until I was given exclusivity. I simply stated “I only have sex with a boyfriend.” To which he replied “Well I could be your boyfriend.” I’m glad I held this boundary w my first 3 boyfriends, and I think this approach makes men respect you and filters out the ones who are not interested in a relationship.

But after my initial relationships and living under the influence of a sex promoting culture, I slipped into giving sex before commitment (once where I wanted commitment but never got it, once where I was in an I-don’t-want-a-relationship phase, 2x where it did eventually lead into a relationship).

[–]daddys-slutty-virgin1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Awhh, yay! Very happy to hear your story (: i also am learning to bite my tongue and think before reacting to something he says. And to do things for him for his happiness and not just to gratify myself.

[–]OilyB0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

It's refreshing to read this as a few days ago I commented on someone here asking how to be more feminine and got a couple nice reactions to it. What you're describing here could almost have come from me.

What you did is good old fashioned feminine wooing, seduction. You let loose some mystical secrets on your man! He couldn't have gone anywhere but to you! You simply drove cupids arrow deep inside, through the man's very very soul. Now, I don't mean to be cynical (being critical of temporary/agenda driven behavior is also TRP) but the next step is discovering whether the RPW mentality is maintainable between you two. I wish you a lot of happiness.

[–]stripethrowaway 1 points [recovered]  (5 children) | Copy Link

I think it’s taken me a very very long time to get here or even be able to articulate it but I am definitely of the belief that a woman has a responsibility to inspire a man’s leadership and desire. A man has a responsibility to inspire her respect and trust.

He’s inspired me from day one. I only hope I can continue inspiring him. I’m new to RPW so still learning. I’m absolutely charmed by him and I hope that this relationship lasts a long time.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Read Fascinating Womanhood for more inspiration. It's very helpful.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks I’ll check it out!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Is this a good book for single women, too?

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I believe so. The techniques apply to having good relationship skills, not just with regards to how to fix/maintain a relationship. It literally teaches you how to become a Fascinating (read: desirable, valuable) woman.

Some of the skills it teaches are how to treat a man/others, and some are how to treat yourself. All are applicable. They even extend to how to treat children.

[–]OilyB0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You articulated it perfectly! Happy learning! Doing the same myself.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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