I used to post and read here a lot but unfortunately my husband and I have been going through a very hard time and I've been using my time differently than before. I received a lot of good advice in the past here and I have tried to put it to use and I wanted to update and give a field report.

Husband and I got pregnant accidentally a few months before our wedding and I miscarried just before the second trimester. Immediately following the miscarriage my body felt wrong and I started having terrible hormone issues. We began trying to get pregnant immediately after the wedding and nothing happened. I consulted doctor after doctor who assured me I was "fine". Finally I saw a reproductive endocrinologist who ran some tests and found that my endocrine system was completely messed up. I've now been medicated and monitored for about six months and while my endocrine system is getting closer to properly medicated, I still haven't gotten pregnant. At this point we've been living this nightmare for almost 2 years. Infertility is outrageously painful and notoriously hard on marriages. As far as RPW values go, it makes me question my femininity, my value as a wife, and I live every day in fear that I can't give my husband a single child, much less the 2+ we both wanted.

Despite all of this, this process has welded us together, not torn us apart. It has clarified to me that my husband is an amazing man and that I am the luckiest woman to have him. So here is what I've learned about going through hell with your man and coming out with an even stronger marriage than before.

  1. Allow him to comfort you and you work to be comforted. My husband wants me to be happy and he knows that I'm in pain and he wants to comfort me but he wants that comforting to be effective, not for me to be an endless well of sorrow and misery. It would be exhausting to be constantly comforting someone who never seems to be soothed. I work hard to calm myself down, to lean into him, and be soothed.

  2. Tell him when you are happy, not only when you are sad. Communicate the good as well as the bad. I make sure to text my husband and let him when I'm having a good day at work or when I've had a hopeful day.

  3. Tend to the marriage. My desire for children burns me every day but I've realized that I wouldn't trade my marriage or my husband for a dozen babies. Keep having as frequent sex- for us that is not a problem because we have a doctor mandating sex- but for other hard situations, it's important to remember that he wants to feel loved and many men feel loved through sex. I make him lunches, leave him sweet notes, rub his back. It's also good to keep busy and try to stop feeling so damned sorry for myself by doing things for him. I always feel better after doing something nice for someone else instead of wallowing.

  4. Take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Eat health foods. Exercise. See a therapist if you need to. Develop a support system. I do all of the above. I have too much grief to pile it all on my husband. I also credit all of that for not becoming overweight even with my thyroid basically not functioning.

  5. Talk about it. I'm not sure if this is exactly RPW but I've learned that I have a high need to tell him things. If I'm worried or upset about something, if I hold my tongue I stew on it, and it becomes a mountain in my mind. Now I tell him- simply, clearly, and then trust him to handle what I said. Clear communication has strengthened our marriage.

  6. Trust your rock. It's easy to trust when things are easy but not taking the wheel when things get hard is difficult for me. We have a lot of hard choices coming up and I trust Husband and our marriage. I also have learned to believe him when he says that he wants me more than biological children. I believe him when he tells me doesn't wish he married someone else who could give him children easily.

Our marriage is stronger than ever despite, or maybe because of, this horrible infertility. Our dearest hope is that we come out of this soon but I know we aren't headed towards trouble because of this. I believe that every human will go through hard times and easy times and it's what you do during the hard times that really matters. This is how I've gotten through the hard times, by staying true to my values as a wife. Marriage is easy when it's good but when it's hard you have to buckle down into what you believe.