~ archived since 2018 ~

Give him the opportunity to ghost you

June 22, 2020

Ladies: Many of us are dating and trying to find Mr. Right and unfortunately with the way dating is these days it can be a painful experience with too many mind games. There is less of an incentive for men to pair up and settle down. Here is a little tidbit that even I forget to tell myself sometimes:

Give him the opportunity to ghost you. That's right. Let him ghost you. Whether you've been dating for a few weeks or you're in between dates and you're unsure about how he feels, give him the chance to disappear. What does that mean? In other words, don't contact him. Don't text him or call him or like his posts. Don't watch his snap stories. Just step back.

A man who is actually interested in you, intrigued by you, and realizes that he craves your company will realize they haven't heard from you and reach out. Men fall in love differently than women. You need to give him the opportunity to miss you.

If he misses you and wants to see you again, he'll reach out and arrange a date. If he doesn't, it won't even cross his mind to text you. And honestly, that's a good thing. Let him fade away. Don't we want a man who will actively and intentionally pursue us? Why do you want to date someone who doesn't miss you?

In the meantime, create busyness for yourself as a distraction so you aren't waiting around for his text. Call a friend, go for a walk, bake cookies, watch a documentary on Netflix even so you can learn about a new subject to converse about at your next social gathering or date.

I promise you that if he is actually interested in you he will let you know and it will be clear and direct. He will realize he hasn't heard from you and seek you out. And when he does, it will be intentional and your boundaries, whatever they are, will be respected.

EDIT: I say this with the assumption that the woman has actively shown her interest in a man with actions and words and he stops reciprocating or disappears without notice.

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the subreddit /r/RedPillWomen.

/r/RedPillWomen archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

Post Information
Title Give him the opportunity to ghost you
Author elmartinas
Upvotes 139
Comments 48
Date June 22, 2020 1:59 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
Red Pill terms in post

[–]LocalReligionMajor86 points87 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think some of the best dating advice I've ever heard was, "If he's interested in you, you'll know. If he's not interested, you'll be confused."

[–]goldendoodlemama7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bingo was his name-o!!! Anyone that runs hot and cold and leaves you feel truly confused, does not like you. Really hard pill to swallow. I know we have all been there but we are always better for it down the road.

[–]LanaTownsend48 points49 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Agreed. When dating a guy, especially in the beginning stages, I step back & observe how much effort he is putting forth and then respond accordingly. Even if I like a guy, I won’t be blowing up his phone if he’s barely reaching out.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel like, in the early stages, no one should be blowing up anyone's phone. I remember telling a friend that my husband and I would go days without texting, sometimes two or three. She was horrified and expected her boyfriend to respond to her stream of consciousness throughout the day. I would've found that completely suffocating, as would my husband. We both had our own hobbies and lives and a lot more to talk about when we did see each other.

We had a falling out, but last I heard she and this guy are still on and off, five years later, because he told her point blank he didn't want to raise her kid and she's still convinced she can change his mind. You cannot force devotion, no matter how much you text him.

[–]MoDuReddit32 points33 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Meh, even after all that, just a friendly "hey, how you doing" is enough to get an interested man to act.

Beware the games you play: play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Don't go overboard.

[–]PR0N0IA10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

My husband has said before he didn’t realize he wanted to marry me until after an argument I left — and put the onus on him to reach out / repair our relationship. We’d been dating a year at that point & were basically living together (I still had my own place but was always at his). I found this out when I asked him when he knew I was the one & he wanted to marry me.

I was surprised it took him over a year to realize this, when I knew I wanted to marry him less than 2 months in. He didn’t know how much he cared for me and valued me until he felt like he was about to lose me.

While it worked out for me, don’t let a guy string you along for that long if he is not serious about you— this is good advice. A man who wants to be with you will pursue you but you’ve got to let him.

Just like the old adage “if you love something, let it go & if it comes back it was meant to be.”

[–]Cara_shammy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So true. He should know you are the one before commitment or this will keep ruining your and his peace forever.

[–]party_dragon0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think this is just plain stupid logic. Anything that doesn’t work if both people apply it - i.e. if both just let go and wait for the other person to come back - is a bad idea as a general rule.

[–]Coolbeans024ptf10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think what you are talking about is a natural side effect of creating value by pleasing your partner while simultaneously understanding your value and insisting that you are valued in return.

[–]WhatIsThisAccountFor3 Star2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok when I saw this title I thought you were gonna say something crazy, but this makes sense.

I’d say it more like, if you realize you’re the only initiating every conversation and meetup then you should take a step back.

If you have healthy communication and are mid conversation: don’t just stop replying to him. That will make him think you’re not interested.

[–]Internetmomo52 points53 points  (23 children) | Copy Link

This is bad and hypocritical advice. Your strategy is just another mind game which, at the beginning, you said you don’t like. So which is it, use mind games or don’t use mind games? Or only use mind games if you’re a female? Makes no sense. Avoid getting ghosted on by ghosting on people first — you heard it here first folks!

[–][deleted] 58 points59 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

She’s not saying ignore his direct attempts to contact you. She’s saying don’t ALWAYS be the one to initiate conversation. Seems pretty unobjectionable

[–]BonnieBelle25515 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes I think this comment explains it well. The girl shouldn’t always be the initiator. In general, the men should pursue, and the women should respond encouragingly if they are interested, to let the man know we want them to continue pursuing.

[–]LaGardie0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The word ghosting was bit misleading, but you got the point from rest of the post that she didn't mean stop responding. The ghosting would apply if she initiated and he doesn't respond, but that strategy is for blue pill women.

[–]EnemyAsmodeus2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

The man is gauging the woman's interest.

The woman is gauging the man's interest.

=> total silence is the result.

The whole point should be both sides should be trying hard to reinitiate conversation.

ANXIETY is the reason for a lot of ghosting/lack-of-initiated-conversations.

Keep reinitiating contact. Redpill is about pushing truth and self-improvement.

Bluepill is about hiding yourself, pretending you are something you're not, pretending you are so cool and awesome that you can't look vulnerable.

If you want to act different in marriage-life compared to pre-dating-life compared to dating-life, then you are doing it wrong (you are giving out many facemasks to the world deceptively). ACT NATURALLY.

The more masks, the more mindgames, the more chance of failure.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Women’s relationship anxiety often manifests as “chasing” rather than ghosting. As the verbally-oriented ‘keepers of the relationship’, we sense something is wrong with the ‘connection’ and our gut reaction is to talk about it and try to regain the connection with words. This is well-documented in the standard RPW reading list.

For instance, this subreddit sees fifty posts a week along the lines of “he doesn’t want to see me and it seems like his interest has waned.... he’s having a birthday party and I’m not invited....... SHOULD I REDOUBLE MY EFFORTS AND FORCE HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME?! SHOULD I CASUALLY SWING BY HIS WORK LOBBY AND SEE IF I JUST BUMP INTO HIM?!” (Check my comment history!)

This crowd needs less of the message “try hard to reinitiate conversation”. Most women who are interested in a man rarely need encouragement to initiate conversation, beyond maybe the first encounter.

It would behoove these women to listen to OP and SOMETIMES let him seek her out when he wishes to, rather than pushing and pushing and demanding his attention. Consciously recognizing this impulse and finding a calmer, more feminine, and RECEPTIVE way to behave IS one way we work on “self-improvement”.

Rarely do women come here saying “I tried ghosting him and nothing happened?!!? What did I do wrong?!?!” Maybe that’s going down over in the female dating strategy sub, I guess.

[–]valleycupcake2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Someone who is so anxious that he can’t pick up the phone and ask how you’re doing is not someone worthy of being a potential captain. Captains know what they want and pursue it.

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

I'm just saying that sometimes girls sit around freaking out that the guy they like isn't texting them and then they go overboard and send a tidal wave of messages hoping and praying he'll be into it. It's best not to do that. Women like to be intentionally pursued by a man. If he's not responding to you, don't go nuts. Just be patient. If he likes you, he'll reach out and reply. If he doesn't, let it go. There needs to be mutual interest. If a man literally disappears off of planet Earth for days or weeks and doesn't respond to you or doesn't make any attempts to reach out at all even if you've already done so, accept it and move on. He's just not that into you.

[–]ragnarockette5 Stars3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think the first rule of girl game should be "when in doubt, don't send the text." lol

[–]ManguZa1 Star8 points9 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I disagree so much with the original post... for this exact reason : there needs to be a mutual interest. What you adviced upward can easily be read as to stop giving your share of interest by letting him be the only one to take the first step. Any good man will lose interest in you if you don't give him that much respect.

So yes he need to reach out too and you mustn't be the only one to do it and organize things. But please don't forget to remember to your reader that it's a balance and that they mustn't go too far, lot of women are sadly already in the extreme of never showing interest...

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Any good man will lose interest in you if you don't give him that much respect.

My personal experience is in stark contrast to this comment. I can count on one hand the number times I texted my husband first before we lived together, and even then it was usually just to confirm plans we already had made. I only remember one instance where I texted first because I hadn’t heard from him in several days.

We got engaged in less than a year, so there was no issue with a loss of attraction. If men are natural born leaders, I don’t think they will take issue with a lack of initiation so long as your replies are always prompt and enthusiastic.

[–]ManguZa1 Star-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well it's not because he settle for it (and i understand him, nowadays prompt and enthusiastic response are already difficult to find) that he would'nt prefer that you also propose something now and then.

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I certainly did (and still do) propose ideas for activities all the time. Just because I didn’t reach out first, and allowed him to fully control the pace of our relationship, doesn’t mean I didn’t always have a fun answer to “What would you like to do tomorrow?”.

I would also propose ideas to hangout while we were in persons. Like “Hey, I can get us tickets to this play. Want to go?” or “Some of my friends are getting together at X, would you like to join me?”.

The is just about texting, calling, social media, etc. My experience is reaching out in those ways unprompted is a great way to be labeled clingy and to drive men away.

[–]loz3337 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

So yes he need to reach out too and you mustn't be the only one to do it and organize things. But please don't forget to remember to your reader that it's a balance and that they mustn't go too far, lot of women are sadly already in this extreme of never showing interest...


[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Your personal preferences are not advice. Further, if you haven't married yet, you can't speak to what will interest you enough in a woman to wife her up.

Single men only think they know what will trigger their commitment. Until you've given it, you are speculating.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have been married a long time. The ladies in my life who I am most intimate with have been married a long time. I have been on this sub for a long time. I am telling you that your speculation and preferences are not advice. I was explaining to you why your comment was removed and hoping that you would stop crusading through this thread.

Of course men want to have a woman who shows interest. The OP is speaking to the fact that women often go after men who are not showing interest back, thinking they can somehow change that. /u/zsadiist really hit it on the head in her explanation to you. Being a nice accommodating doormat will not help a woman towards a long time happy marriage/relationship. Men will go along with the attention of a woman they know isn't a long term prospect, especially if sex is involved.

A personal example of your preference not being advice: My husband dated a woman who was so attracted to him at first sight that she made a big show of crossing the building to meet him. And hey as an added bonus, the woman had porn level blow job skills and could yoga herself into a pretzel. He enjoyed his time with her. They remained good friends for a long time. He did not marry her nor were they ever headed in that direction. He would tell you that women should approach men and it doesn't make a difference. But he didn't marry her, he married me.

Now we are not discussing approach (and there is more to the topic than a 'yes/no' verdict). My point is that, we don't always understand our own triggers. This is why TRP does not allow advice from women. RPW allows advice from men to a degree, but we say that men should be married for a reason. You need to have experience to be able to relay that experience to others.

[–]PR0N0IA5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband has said before he didn’t realize he wanted to marry me until after an argument I left — and put the onus on him to reach out / repair our relationship. We’d been dating a year at that point & were basically living together (I still had my own place but was always at his). I found this out when I asked him when he knew I was the one & he wanted to marry me.

I was surprised it took him over a year to realize this, when I knew I wanted to marry him less than 2 months in. He didn’t know how much he cared for me and valued me until he felt like he was about to lose me.

It worked out for me, but a year is way to long to waste with someone who is never going to commit to marrying you. It’s better to find out earlier by waiting for them to reach out instead of always being the one to reach out / make plans / etc.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I disagree. This doesnt seem like a mind game at all. Instead, she is suggesting backing off and letting the man lead.

[–]LookingForEquanimity16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s not a mind game. It’s literally taking the feminine role of receiving and letting men take the masculine role of pursuit.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Make your point without snark.

[–]Cara_shammy2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To anyone who thinks otherwise: Stopppppppppppp!!! She is 200% right. Chasing him might get him but won't keep him. You will always feel confused because you never gave him chance to earn you, let him be sure about you. If he will be sure he will not care about anything and be with you.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm still learning about relationships. I fully admit that. I'm no expert. I still struggle, A LOT. However, this is the lesson I struggled most with. I took me forever to learn that I was girl sending a tidal wave of messages when I wouldn't hear from a guy. I used to try and stop a guy from ghosting me when it was obvious he wasn't feeling it by bombarding him with affection. It's something girls struggle with. We have been conditioned by modern society to chase after guys. Based on the posts I've been seeing lately, it seems that there are ladies tuning in here who were going through the same thing I did.

Bottomline: If you've shown you're interested and he stops replying to you, stops messaging you or full on ghosts you. Let it go and get back out there. If you've tried, been vulnerable and put your feelings out there and he disappears, just let him ghost you.

[–]wandering_leaf1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re mostly right, except for the part that we are conditioned by society. It’s how natural gender dynamics work, rooted in nature and biology, as red pill philosophy suggests. Social constructions and society conditioning have very little to do when it comes to gender dynamics. Behavior of men and women can be almost fully predicted by evolutionary psychology theories, not by social constructionist theories.

[–]GooeyLoveJuice1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the good read.

[–]pussykiller0091 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Isn’t what you’re describing here a mind game as well? Why can’t we just like each other and date like normal people would?

What if he likes you but thinks that, since you haven’t contacted him in a while, you don’t like him; and he ends up ghosting you in return.

[–]Isune1351 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Imma be real this is not good advice, those beggining steps to this is ghosting itself, and i promise you if do that he will lose interest, i can tell you from experience if a guy likes you he will initiate conversation and put in effort to talk with you but if you never engage first back and do what this advice is trying to tell you guys will lose interest no one enjoys a one sided interaction

[–]MentORPHEUSTRP Endorsed2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is great in the early stages of meeting people, specifically for women trying to break a harmful pattern of sticking too long with men who aren't good LTR candidates for them. It's best understood as an internal coping or reframing mechanism, NOT as an effective sexual or long term dating strategy.

If men losing interest after a few dates is an ongoing pattern, the solution is to recalibrate the upstream meeting/selecting/vetting process, not try parlor tricks later when bad matches are in the process of unraveling. Once a relationship is established, rapport breaks are a terrible tool for building interest and bonds. Men will take these as a signal not to invest relationship or emotional energy.

[–]Kaisern2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t think this is very good advice. Not texting first one single time, sure. But actively cutting off all social interaction if one is normally active is a great way to tell someone you’re not interested in them.

[–]FleetingWishEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Uh no. This is terrible advice. You risk telling him you're not interested. Pretty soon he's thinking "if she was interested she would text me", while you're sitting around playing some stupid game.

Instead of this spend 2 seconds to initiate. If he is not interested and wants to ghost you, he won't respond. If he doesn't respond, then move on.

Your post is basically amounts to "show him your not interested, and don't be surprised when he loses interest."

[–]WishIWasAMuppet2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Games like this aren’t healthy.

“Ghost him to see if he will ghost you.”

Sorry, no.

[–]WhisperTRP Founder0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is probably the single worst piece of dating advice for women that I have ever heard, and that includes stuff quoted from Cosmo for laughs.

Have you ever wondered why men who know nothing about women always try too hard, chase too much, and act too forthcoming? Why they fall over themselves to agree with what she said, tell her how wonderful she is, and court her by showing emotional investment?

They are doing what they themselves would like, because they don't understand that men and women are different.

If a man shows enthusiasm, women assume he is low value and has few options. They are repelled. If a man plays hard to get, their passions are inflamed.

The reverse is true of men. Men reciprocate passion, and are turned off by indifference.

[–]Flowymimo1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This is so right. If he really cares, he will contact. If he does not, he will not. But there is one thing : learn about the things that are interesting to YOU, not to be able to converse. You're not a living doll. You're, surprise, a human. Don't be afraid to tell our your opinions and stand for them however controversial they are. And a real human being is able to arrange life in a self-sufficient manner. Once your "you" is strong enough, there is no man in the world that would be able to ghost you, I guarantee. Worked wonders in my life. Don't be pathetic.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

”Don’t be pathetic”

”Don’t be afraid to tell your opinions”

”You’re not a living doll”

I, uh... I don’t think OP suggested any of these things chief

[–]Flowymimo0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

No I didn't mean to even disagree with op, I am just telling that the OP opinion is right but some parts of the text are not the best advice to go with. Learning just for the sake of conversation support leads to "doll" attitude and shallowness, and I am not sure wonderful ladies on this board could support those.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are walking the line of being "me me me" in a relationship instead of understanding that both people have needs and relationships are a give and take.

"To have a good partner, you must be a good partner"

If you expect to only do things for yourself, expect a partner who only does things for himself and it will be a different dynamic than two people who are working towards a shared life.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2023. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter