Who has the most power in a relationship? Universally most people agree that the one who is less committed to the relationship, controls the tide of the relationship. In sociology there is The Principle of Least Interest which is the idea that the person or group that has the least amount of interest in continuing a relationship has the most power over it. In the context of relationship dynamics, it suggests towards which party the balance of power tilts. In sex, the one who wants more sex gets to be at the mercy of the one who doesn’t and emotionally, the more invested you are the more engaged you are in the relationship. This principle is universal and applies mostly where more than one party involved.

I didn’t think much of it until I got into freelancing. Two years in and my mentality changed, perhaps there was something else in play to determine who held the power in relationships. Now you are wondering what freelancing has got to do with the red pill but I will get there in just a second. When I began freelancing years ago, all I wanted was clients, people to pay me in exchange for the services I offered. There was one problem though, when I began, I had close to zero experience and I was in desperate need of money. I was more than happy when I landed a gig. The pay was low, even for a country I am in. And the client was abusive and basically controlled me but I was unable to say no to him, I basically did whatever he wanted, when he wanted it, no matter the circumstances I was in. I wanted the money and in that mindset I never thought that I was offering any value. All I saw was a person giving me money and saving me from my dire situation financially. It was an abusive relationship and it was clear I had no power in it.

As my skill improved and I began attracting better clients, my confidence increased and my sense of self-worth began improving too. I knew I was offering something. I wasn’t taking as I had initially thought. What I was doing was just as valuable as the money they were paying me. Initially I had thought that what I was offering was not as important as the money they were giving me and that put me in a “taking” position and my clients as the “givers”. We know for a fact that people who give and offer value are valued. In the workplace, the people who offer solutions are promoted, people who are always happy to help without any hidden motives are liked and attract a lot of people. In healthy relationships both parties give and offer value to make the relationship work.

Something clicked. I was offering value. I knew the worth of my value, I wasn’t 'taking' their money anymore, I was offering my services and the incentive was the pay. I went back to my first client who we had worked with for a long time despite the working conditions and told him I was going to increase my prices and they’ll have to match them or we would cease working together. I was ready to walk away, by this time he knew he had been underpaying me and his working conditions were brutal. He agreed but his behavior was still not professional and so three months later, we ended our relationship. I simply understood that my value was important and I deserved better than what he was offering me given what I was offering him.

Now back to relationships, are you a giver or a taker? What are you offering in the relationship? Most takers think in terms of what they’ll lose if the relationship comes to an end. Think to when you were desperate in a relationship and chances are, it’s because you felt that your partner was offering more than you and losing the partner would be a blow and so you cling on hoping it goes on. When you are in the giving mindset, you are not in the mindset of “afraid to lose” but in the mindset of “Cherishing what you have”. That’s what a healthy relationship is all about. Giving because you see value and being given because they see value and not a single person thinking that they offer more than the other.

The one who gets in a relationship because he/she is afraid of being alone is taking from the other person and will always be afraid to lose their person and will do anything to stay in it. If you get into a relationship with an ill intention, you are a taker and you will be a slave to it as long as the other person has what you want and you are not offering any value. You will always be worried about losing them. You don’t cherish them, you do the bare minimum to keep them around which is selfish. When you are giving, when your self-worthy is healthy, you believe that you are worth as a person and a person being with you is not by mistake but because you are just as valuable. You won’t have to resort to manipulation tactics to keep people around. It all comes down to how you feel when you are in a relationship, do you feel you are a valuable person worth deserving of love or do you feel they are doing you a favor by being with you because you feel you are not offering something or have nothing to offer.

Of course I am not disputing that being less invested emotionally won’t give you an edge, but that is taking rather than giving and it means you are afraid to lose hence the manipulation tactics. This is just a theory and would love to hear more from you about this.