~ archived since 2018 ~

Guy gave me an incurable Std and has blocked me, I’m angry.

June 22, 2021

I am so angry. The guy I was dealing with passed me Hsv2 (herpes).

We started off great, the vibe was awesome. I couldn’t believe I found a guy who was my type physically and personality wise. I believe he is a good person at heart. After we became intimate, he started acting a little strange.. and then I find out why. He passed me Hsv2.

I gave him the news, he pulled away even more and ended up blocking me. (Of course, it has to be a lot easier to ignore something like this than to face it head on.)

This is obviously not easy for either for either of us. But I didn’t deserve this.

This has been the most frustrating situation. At times I feel a deep anger about everything. Other times I walk around trying to hide the fact that my eyes are welled up with tears. It’s been an emotional roller coaster.

I think whats bothering me is having someone effect your life so significantly not even acknowledge what they’ve done. They continue living their life as if nothing happened. Meanwhile you are trying to navigate this new illness.. deal with the pain, the complications, emotions, the bills etc.

I’m an attractive young woman, no kids, degreed, decent job. I’m a very picky dater and don’t have an extensive history, so the diagnosis was a shock.

I know I will heal from all of this. But right now I’m struggling with the emotions.. unusual for me. Talking with people who have been in similar situations has helped.

Has anyone been through anything similar? What advice do you have? How did you deal with the anger?

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Post Information
Title Guy gave me an incurable Std and has blocked me, I’m angry.
Author lookingforanswersugh
Upvotes 122
Comments 102
Date June 22, 2021 10:24 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]essdee06 16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sorry this happened to you. My good friend has herpes, similar situation where she was seeing a guy who didn’t tell her and left her hanging with an infection. I can’t speak for her but from what I remember, it was rough in the beginning, just trying to navigate what it all meant while also feeling isolated because she felt embarrassed to confide in anyone. I think she had a few outbreaks in the beginning that she had to treat but it has been in remission for years now. She’s dated a few men over the years and has been honest with them, and from what I understand, it’s never been a deal breaker for any of them. And as far as she’s aware, she’s never passed anything on to them. She’s now in a very stable, healthy and loving relationship with a really great guy so mustn’t have been a major issue for him :)

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It was definitely rough at first, getting a little easier each day. Thank you for the sympathy and positive story.

[–]spaghettiparrot 41 points42 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Okay. This guy is GARBAGE but moving on. I just want to remind you of these stats:

26% of women in New York City have HSV2. That means if you gathered up FOUR women, at least ONE would have HSV2.

Your first outbreak is typically the worst you'll ever have.. Recurrent outbreaks are usually less severe and tend to decrease over time.

Most people don't even know that they have herpes, because symptoms are so mild/infrequent for a large percentage of the population.

And finally, my favorite....drumroll please....

Herpes hysteria was invented by a drug company to sell Valtrex. Girl, listen. I used to work in the marketing department at this very company. They very intentionally stigmatized HSV2 as a SALES GIMMICK because they needed a selling point for a disease that usually isn't very bad. It was a reaaaaaach, but sadly, they pulled it off. The campaign is famous in the ad world.

Take heart, my dear. Block and delete this guy forever, take your vitamins and get your sleep (a healthy immune system lessens the chance of recurrent outbreaks) and focus on you.

[–]shanealeslie 11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This! It's not that big of a deal. My ex of 12 years had it when we met and I never contracted it from her and she rarely even mentioned it let alone had any significant outbreaks.

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, it’s tough at first, but I will get through this! So many people in the same boat

[–]nayvote 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Herpes hysteria was invented by a drug company to sell Valtrex. Girl, listen. I used to work in the marketing department at this very company. They very intentionally stigmatized HSV2 as a SALES GIMMICK because they needed a selling point for a disease that usually isn't very bad. It was a reaaaaaach, but sadly, they pulled it off. The campaign is famous in the ad world.

This is true, and considering how many people have it the social stigma around herpes is insane, and a testament to the effectiveness of marketing/PR/propaganda. I contracted it over a decade ago and have never had another outbreak after the initial one. I take a lysine supplement once or twice a week, and am told this may be why.

[–]FatFingerHelperBot 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It seems that your comment contains 1 or more links that are hard to tap for mobile users. I will extend those so they're easier for our sausage fingers to click!

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[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!!! It’s very unfortunate how stigmatized this virus is. Yes, so many people have it and don’t even realize it. Thank you for the info and support! And yes, he can go straight to hell

[–]AirStoned 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is an important point. Likewise, I get regular STD tests and they don't normally even test for herpes so a lot of asymptomatic people won't know they have it (and they apparently don't test because they don't want to freak people out when so many will never even have an outbreak)

[–]ddouchecanoe 53 points54 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

OP, that absolutely fucking sucks!

I had a very close friend who dated a man with Hsv2. His previous partner had committed infidelity and he found out she had cheated by being diagnosed with Hsv2 three years into a relationship.

They met and liked each other and they made it work. He was very responsible with the care of his virus. There are things you will learn to prevent and lessen outbreaks and you will become better about those things as you learn them. Do a lot of digging and ask for advice from anyone who knows a thing or two. My friend dated that guy for 5 years and they had a wonderful relationship and sex life. He never passed the virus on to her.

edit: grammar

[–]Haman_Karn_ 12 points13 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

my mans ex got it after a violent rape, then passed it on to him as they had been dating for 6~ years and he didnt want to leave her. sadly the rape really screwed her up mentally, she started hitting him and became a prostitute, even taking clients in his house...

so when we started dating i decided i trust him, he stays with his partners, he got it as a consequence of staying with someone he loved. he deserved someone who would do the same. i have no regrets.

lucky for me, i get meds for it and they work well, so i didnt really face any consequences

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 3 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Wow, he sounds like a good guy. Thank you for sharing.

[–]Haman_Karn_ 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

of course. it was a complicated situation but he is a great guy and i feel very lucky

[–]321asp 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

How did that happen to his ex?

Do you know if it was from walking in a bad area or something?

[–]Haman_Karn_ 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

she got a job working for some shady guys from syria at a car dealership, my understanding is that she was gang raped. and there was more but that was a result of her prostitution.

[–]321asp 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link


Would you know if that could've been avoided at all?

[–]Haman_Karn_ -1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

the first time, no. but she kept going back to work and it kept happening, which is.... i don't understand it personally. my guy says after that first time it was like she got stuck reliving her trauma over and over, she could not move on i guess

[–]321asp 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Hold on, so at first she didn't know they were shady?

Could your boyfriend have done anything to prevent it?

And did he know when it was happening?

[–]Haman_Karn_ 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

on that first question, i am not actually sure.

he told her to go to police, she wouldn't, he tried to involve law enforcement but they didn't do anything. i do not recall why, or what the reason was. i would have to ask.

he wanted to just go smash them, but he is 6'8 and competes in strongman, so when he gets violent its pretty much something where people always assume he is the bad guy. the braking point with his ex was when she was physically assaulting him for crying about her state/situation, and he pushed her off to leave, she called cops and said she was assaulted. when they showed up, she started telling the truth, probably realizing if my guy went to jail she would be homeless. even though she said she didnt want to press charges, the cops just saw a really messed up prostitute who had been assaulted by a huge giant man. sooooooo yeah. he knew, he tried, he was unable to help her and it hurt him very deeply that this was the case. and he basically got punished for trying to help.

he's such a caring person, he has never been anything but very gentle and kind to me. i love and respect him and he feels the same about me. and that's been a big part of him recovering. it is part of why i like RPW, and traditional femininity. he needs and deserves love and respect and trust from his partner. its helped him a lot to have me in his life. and he is a great leader when allowed to lead, which his ex did not do.

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for this!

[–]aemilli 19 points20 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This happened to me as well. I'm still trying to heal from it. Bothers me sometimes but it gets better over time. Thankfully I don't have any symptoms. I had an initial breakout period but now I don't even notice it's there. No symptoms. The only issue is informing partners about it when we get intimate. Thankfully my current partner is alright with it and we take precautions to not spread it to him. Though he accepts that he may get it from me eventually and is okay with that. So it's not the end of the world. I hope you don't feel that way because I definitely did for a period of time. I think what's worse is the stigma around it than the actual disease itself. It seems to be more of emotional pain than a physical one.

That being said, just a note to everyone else... PLEASE request STI tests before getting intimate (provide your tests as well). Don't consider it weird or too much of a hassle to do. If you are waiting for some kind of commitment before having sex, this shouldn't even be an issue for the guy to do. It's respectful for both parties.

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very similar situation, my symptoms aren’t too bad. The emotional toll is way worse, and wondering how it will affect my future as far as dating. But I’m going to keep a positive outlook.

As far as testing HSV IS NOT INCLUDED ON A STANDARD STI PANEL. Unless you are showing symptoms, most of the time you have to specifically as to be tested for it as the CDC does not recommend regular testing for such a common STI. They feel the psychological effect of the diagnosis is far worse than the virus itself.

[–]DrBoby 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your best bet is to look closely at your partner skin (mouth and sex).

STI tests don't usually test for herpes. Most people have herpes but not all are equally contagious, 80% even ignore they have it and are not or less contagious. It also depends where they have herpes because it only spread by direct contact. Herpes can also be dormant for years, even for life.

If I had a partner with herpes, I'd try to get it on my elbow, that way other places would be "vaccinated".

[–]Kind_Entertainment_6 27 points28 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Internet hugs

It’s ok, to be really honest herpes is easily spread and it could have happened to anyone. It really could have. I know this is prob shaking up your world right now but luckily, in the grand scheme of things. This has no effect. No effect on your job, friends, family, health. There are prescriptions that can keep this at bay, and moving forward, it may even be a qualifier, and help determine men who are truly invested in you as a person.

Regarding the “‘man” who gave it to you, he was a bad egg. I feel it in my heart, that he knew, and still moved forward. I would honestly stop looking for comfort/response in him. We humans sometimes do this to ease the pain. It’s the same reason why rape victims often times deny to themselves what happened and have sex again with their perpetrator.

This man, he may come around and apologize he may not. But it’s not about him it’s about you. Heal yourself, look up how to heal herpes internally. ( yes antibodies will come up positive for herpes 2 in your blood tests, but you can change your diet to have it remain dormant). Worry about your self and taking care of your mind body and spirit. You will be just fine because in the grand scheme of this crazy life; this is an inconvenience, but it has no substantial effect, unless you let it.

Sending love and light your way OP

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much for this. Very appreciated!

[–]SunkissedBlondie 30 points31 points  (26 children) | Copy Link

I am so sorry this has happened to you. This may be a good lesson for the future to be careful and stay healthy.

Get legal help IMMEDIATELY, I just did some research and it is a misdemeanor in some states. You deserve compensation as this involves your health. It may be embarrassing but dangerous men need to be held accountable.

[–]SunshineSundress2 Star 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yep! Check your state’s laws on this stuff!

[–]lmoalmao -3 points-2 points  (24 children) | Copy Link

Transmitting herpes is definitely not illegal in any states lol. 50-70 % of the population have it. You could have it but don't get symptoms. If you have ever had a cold sore at any point in your life you carry herpes. Hsv1 and hsv2 can both be spread anywhere on the body.

[–]SunshineSundress2 Star 12 points13 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This example is just CA law because it’s one of the states to enforce it, but there are other states out there like it!

[–]lmoalmao 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Anyone can file a lawsuit for anything. According to the article you linked me CA law states transmitting a disease with "significant public health implications". Obviously herpes does not meet this criteria since it has no negative impact on your health and more people have it then don't so any such lawsuit would be dead. That law is basically exclusively for hiv/hepatitis.

[–]SunkissedBlondie 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am still reading.. it's surprising actually! Some women in CA, NY, CO, OR and a few other states are getting great settlements!

[–]timissick 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Here in Ohio it is the men winning cases against women who spread herpes.

[–]blankylin 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It may not be illegal but it is certainly actionable for monetary damages. Lawyer up and sue, OP. He’ll settle, no doubt, and it’ll scare the shit out of him. And it will be mightily deserved.

[–]lmoalmao 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Sure is. Gonna cost you a lot of money too though and you could easily lose it all so unless he's fucking rolling in it likely not worth it.

[–]blankylin 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Truth. Though many law firms take cases on a no-win, no-fee basis.

[–]lmoalmao 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just can't see winning that case at all. Due to how widespread it is it seems almost impossible to prove the person gave you it unless they said/emailed/texted you that they gave it to you on purpose.

[–]SunkissedBlondie 1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Educate yourself before replying please as you are wrong. Herpes HSV-2 is preventable. I got a blood test for HSV-1 and HSV-2 9 months after my last relationship ended to be safe, both results came back negative.

[–]lmoalmao 10 points11 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

What am I wrong about? I didn't actually mean to say literally you have it but on average someone reading this is more likely to have it then not. Hsv 1 and 2 are different but both can infect anywhere on the body. Neither are totally preventable at all unless you don't have sex. The tests are known to be pretty inaccurate due to how the infection lives in your cells. That is why no one gets tested for it when they get tested for stds unless they specifically request it. Most providers are not super interested in providing tests due to how common it is.

[–]SunkissedBlondie -5 points-4 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Your statistics were wrong.

... And you are wrong again! Again, educate yourself before replying please. The standard test is the IgG blood test which is scientifically considered quite accurate. Here is a link.

[–]lmoalmao 5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

What about my statistics are wrong?

Here is John Hopkins they say 50-80% have hsv1. That is the range I see mentioned almost everywhere.

The tests are widely known to be very inaccurate which is why they are not used in a standard std screening.

HSV-2 isn’t included in the standard panel of tests for sexually transmitted infections. The widely available tests for herpes are famously inaccurate and can give false positives up to 50%. In some cases they can fail to detect the virus at all.

So what exactly am I wrong about?

Did you even read the link you posted? It talks all about the problems with testing.

[–]SunkissedBlondie 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

The OP post references HSV-2 not HSV-1. Your statistic was irrelevant.

"The accurate herpes blood tests detect IgG antibodies.Unlike IgM, IgG antibodies can be accurately broken down to either HSV-1or HSV-2. The challenge here is that the time it takes for IgG antibodies to reach detectable levels can vary from person to person.For one person, it could take just a few weeks, while it could take a few months for another. So even with the accurate tests, a person could receive a false negative if the test is taken too soon after contracting the virus." -

IgG is accurate after a few months, IgM is not. Please read.

Doctors will recommend you wait a few months before getting a blood test for this reason. If HSV-2 is "no problem" and as you originally inferred that "most have it" people would absolutely NOT be winning million dollar lawsuits over it.

[–]lmoalmao 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

They are effectively the exact same thing. You can get genital hsv1 from oral sex. It's actually quite common if you browse /r/herpes lots of post about it. The distinction is meaningless because either virus can cause genital herpes which is what we are talking about here so my statistics are very relevant. No way people are winning large settlements unless they somehow are suing someone crazy rich who doesn't wanna deal with court or there is a pattern of them purposely infecting people. Just having a super common infection and not disclosing it is not purposely infecting someone. Most doctors will say disclosure is up to you since it's so common it's just a risk anyone who has sex should be assuming basically.

[–]SunkissedBlondie 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

The exact same thing? Then why are they tested separately? Hmm maybe they are different because the DNA is different.. we still don't have all the facts on these viruses.

Have you not read any state laws regarding the negligent transmission of HSV-2? Herpes has been shown to be a cofacter to some conditions including cervical cancer.. which affects many women globally (luckily very likely to be caught early and treated).

[–]lmoalmao 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Again as I said there are no criminal charges for transmitting herpes. That just has never happened in any state. People can bring lawsuits against anyone for anything. If some super wealthy person gave you herpes you can prob get a decent settlement. Most people aren't multimillionaires so the fact that that has happened doesn't particularly matter. Hsv1 + 2 are both quite well understood and both can increase risks for other certain conditions but that doesn't really matter much in the grand scheme of things imo. Herpes is stigmatized for literally no reason and it's pretty stupid imo. Most people have it and do not have symptoms. The people who have reoccurring outbreaks are a major minority. It's unfortunate for them but also it's quite easily treated with antivirals which also suppresses transmission so nbd.

[–]MirriMazDuur 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Most people have hsv1, which is oral and not a big deal. I got it from improperly washed coffee cups and many more people I know got it when they were kids and shared their soda bottles around. Hsv2 is genital and you get it 99% by unprotected sex, so they aren't really the same, morally and legally.

[–]lmoalmao 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

You can get genital hsv1 making it effectively the same as hsv2. You can get oral hsv2 though much rarer. They hVe the exact same symptoms. Also you can't get herpes from sharing drinks and such even though many websites incorrectly state this. It is purely skin to skin. Most of us get jt from relatives before the age of 5. You can technically spread your hsv1 to someone by going down on them even if you don't have symptoms and definitely if you do have a cold sore. There is no moral or legal difference at all lol.

[–]MirriMazDuur 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

There is no moral difference if both viruses are transmitted the same way and if most medical websites are incorrect about it. My experience with herpes 1 is consistent with surface transmission by unproperly washed cutlery or cups

[–]lmoalmao 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yea I'm not sure why that myth is so widespread and posted on many websites when it is not actually true. Here is a thread from 2 days ago with a lot of sources

[–]MirriMazDuur 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

One expert literarly says in there that they're concerned about spread through lipstick

[–]lmoalmao 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Okay but she always says that's literally the only non skin to skin contact she would be worried about.... Aka you cannot get herpes from sharing a drink

[–]liftingtailsofcats 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wow, that's so fucked up. What a ridiculous pos. Really sorry you're dealing with this OP. A shit ton of people have it, maybe you'll meet someone who got bamboozled as well. Life is crazy you never know how shits going to work out. Grieve properly, go through the 5 stages, and then let that shit go. Then don't ever be ashamed of that shit or let it hold you back seriously, it's not the limiting factor you think it might be. We are all dealing with crazy out here, everyday. Its not good or bad...that part is up to the observer.

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you thank you!

[–]bunny410bunny 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

All I can say is do not let it effect your self worth. Any guy that’s truly into you in the future won’t care about this new std you have. And, it’s incredibly common. Let yourself grieve that it happened for a day or two. Then, move on completely and remember your worth. You’ve got this! And just so you know in many people the virus lays dormant - it may not be a significant thing in your life moving forward. Sending good vibes!

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for this.

[–]Hopeful_Pay_6685 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Can't offer any advice, but damn, I would be super pissed. I'm so sorry that happened. That's disgusting and they should definitely be accountable.

[–]Advanced_Bar_673 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

First off, I'm very sorry you're experiencing this. It's perfectly ok to take time to mentally adjust and accept that something regarding your health is now "compromised". Truly, there is a ton of shame and stigma due to pop culture regarding herpes, as well as the "sex is dirty/ bad" crowd who moralize it. If someone gets shingles or chicken pox, do we say "How dirty and disgusting! They must be a bad and filthy person!". No, however it too is herpes.

People are chastising the guy, and I'm not saying he is noble for hiding it or ghosting you, however we all must take responsibility for our own body's and lives. Any form of oral or penatrative sex, kissing, exchange of fluids, or skin to skin contact CAN result in STI transmission. Dental dams, latex gloves, and condoms can prevent spreading, but nothing is 100%.

I have watched as my ex's mom kissed her grandchild directly on the mouth while she had an active coldsore. Shit happens, and people can be clueless.

Many men are carriers and never get symptoms. Because women have hormonal fluctuations each month, your body chemistry is always shifting and therefore you'll be more susceptible to outbreaks, especially if you already have a low immune system. Take care to eat healthy food, get plenty of rest, exercise, meditate or do a soothing activity when stressed, and be mindful of signals your body may begin a flare-up especially around your period of if you catch a cold/ sickness. Taking Lysine as a supplement is beneficial, as well as lowering your intake of foods rich in the amino acid Argenine (found in chocolate, nuts, collagen/ Jello, and others), which stimulates the virus. And, you can always get a prescription from your Dr if you experience repeated flare ups.

Just know that you're not alone, and many many many people have various herpes iterations (my best friend gets a type in her eye, similar to a stye! And she is also ALWAYS saying how dirty "regular" herpes is lol. Again, she too has moral issues regarding sex).

Wishing you happiness and health!

[–]blandpotatoesoup 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

One of my best friends (who is male) had this occur as well, only a few months ago. It was the first time in my life I really saw someone dramatically emote the full 5 stages of grief. I don't think anything will help your anger other than time, but my buddy turned to humor often and sticks with that now that hes "Over it." He is on medication and vowed to not do the same thing to someone else, so he lists his status on all dating profiles and such. I think you'll always be a little angry, and fair enough. The best thing you can do right now is live through it and embrace it, however that looks for you.

Side note: I was molested by an older child in preschool who gave me Hsv1. My mother tells it like "one day, you just came home and had a big fat cold sore on your lip." I have always been open about this with every partner I've ever had and I have successfully never passed it on once. There is a huge social stigma with HSV, and I would argue Hsv2 is worse, but the only person who ever shamed me about it was my father. These days its all just c'est la vie.

[–]lonelymachine 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I was in the same situation as you. Except for the part that when I found out something was wrong with my body, I didn't tell him about it. I just finished the relationship, telling him I was done and blocked him. My priority is my health and my sanity, so obviously that I cried a lot but, of course, it was not my fault. I had to move on and take care of myself. Actually I had only one outbreak since I found out, but it's been over a year that I don't have sex with anybody. I have trust issues and honestly I'm not up to meet someone new, at least for now. Just like you, my sexual history is not high and I have good habits, I don't have vices, I just had a terrible lack of luck... But the main thing is, if you're lucky, you won't get frequent outbreaks. Take good care of yourself and live your life. Best wishes.

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That sucks. Unfortunately when I told him he showed he is a coward and ran away from the issue. He clearly couldn’t handle his own diagnosis, so there’s no way he could handle mine. At this point I don’t want anything to do with him.

Yes, I’ve been very careful. That’s how I instantly knew something was wrong. Just unlucky I guess.

Thank you for the kind words.

[–]amadexodus 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I went through something similar a while ago. Last summer, my boyfriend (at the time) and I broke up. He was a closeted and self-loathing bisexual. Instead of nutting up and telling me about it the way I was trying to get up the courage to do with him (I'm also bisexual), he decided to have a one-night stand with a guy and attempt to end our relationship shortly afterward without telling me the truth. I loved him and knew he was lying about something, and eventually he caved and told me.

For a few months, we had no contact with each other, and I had no idea what he was doing with himself. During that time, I forgave him on my own for the infidelity, and I was ready to come out to him, thinking that the root of the issue was the way he felt about being bisexual and thinking I hated him for it, and that if he knew about me, he would give us another chance -- I know, stupid. I knew about some of his personal insecurities, and I honestly thought that we still had a similar worldview and he had just made a mistake. I found out at the end of last year from a mutual friend he's close with that he had been partying and having a *lot* of unprotected sex with men since our breakup. Some of the sex was completely anonymous and happened under very sketchy circumstances. He'd been very secretive about it, and his family didn't know what was happening.

To say I was angry and hurt would be an understatement. Obviously it was awful to hear that somebody I was still in love with was doing this to himself and falling in with exactly the toxic sexual culture I had decided to leave behind when I met him. But what made it truly scary for me was realizing that he wasn't the man I thought he was, and that I couldn't trust what he said about the circumstances of him cheating on me. For all I knew, it had happened before, he had lied to me again, and I had a disease. I got an STD test the day after I heard about his behavior, and thankfully it came back negative for everything. But I resolved to have nothing to do with him after that, as I realized the core incompatibility between us was that he was not my moral equal, and he was dangerously reckless and selfish about sex. I very well could have ruined his reputation amongst our mutual friends if I wanted to by telling them all the truth, but I didn't and still haven't.

My advice for OP, as somebody who is similarly picky, is to do a lot of thinking and reflection. Talk to yourself in your apartment alone if you have to, pretend you're talking to him or his family or whoever he cheated on you with. It'll help you get a lot of your emotions out, believe me. And try to lean on your friends and family when you need to, especially your female friends.

And depending on how long you were dating, if you have mutual friends, I would just phase them out of your life until you can trust yourself to behave around them without telling them what he did as an act of vengeance -- if you talk about it too soon, it will come across as petty and vengeful. Whether your ex knows it or not, he's selfishly expecting you not to tell them about what he did and keep the peace. That's a huge burden, and it's utterly unfair for him to dump it on you. Build up your own social networks away from him and those mutual friends in order to heal. By the time you do run into those mutual friends again, if you ever do, you'll be in a far better headspace to deal with it. And if he's around when you do see them again, you'll look like a queen and he'll look like a cowardly little bitch.

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow wow wow, a lot to unpack here. Very hurtful.

“The core incompatibility between us was that he was not my moral equal” THIS! This is where I’ve been lately. I couldn’t see myself with a man who is so careless and selfish.

Thank you for sharing this!

[–]leinlin 0 points1 point  (23 children) | Copy Link

I feel you, girl. I got tinnitus. For attending a concert of an utterly shallow left wing band’s concert when I was still young. One little thing messes with your life and you’re standing in front of a seemingly tainted future. But well, that’s life. Bear it. Most people now and in the span of history got it worse. People don’t like hearing that, argue it’s bad reasoning. But I don’t think it is. We’re human. Humans survived worse. You are human. So you‘ll survive this. You’re stronger than you think. You’ll make it work. All the best.

[–][deleted]  (20 children) | Copy Link

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[–]aehei 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think they were trying to relate to the idea of one small thing that produces massive impact - though it doesn't emotionally resonate with OP's case.

[–]imadethisupnow 4 points5 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

You don’t know shit about tinnitus.

[–][deleted]  (10 children) | Copy Link

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[–]imadethisupnow 3 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Well then you have experienced a pretty selective sample of mild tinnitus from what I can see. Maybe you're talking about something you don't know about very well. Maybe you should be less dismissive of other people - especially someone who was making a perfectly valid analogy.

[–][deleted]  (8 children) | Copy Link

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[–]imadethisupnow 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Well maybe one day you'll evolve into an empathetic person :)

[–][deleted]  (6 children) | Copy Link

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[–]imadethisupnow 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

She was expressing how life changing moments can occur all of a sudden with life long consequences. She used her experience with tinnitus to describe that, and it is a perfectly valid comparison with HSV2. You then just dismiss her completely as being incomparable - that's not true!

The way you dismiss her "happily" going to a concert like all her pain is her fault is also really harsh. Would you say the OP is responsible for "happily" having sex and getting an STD? No? So stop being so rude. She was just trying to help.

[–]adriannaaa1 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

It sounds like you don’t know shit about hsv2.

[–]leinlin 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No, I’m not. I‘m voicing my compassion, sharing a struggle of mine, telling what helped me deal with it and wishing her the best.

[–]ddouchecanoe -5 points-4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Hearing loss that could have been prevented by wearing earplugs.

[–]sparkledragon45 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Just like a condom could've protected from hsv

[–]ichillonforums -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey! I don't have HSV (that I know of) but I have done a lot of research on the topic due to part health anxiety, part genuine interest in reproductive health and I just couldn't in good faith scroll by without informing you all that this is actually incorrect! It's understandable that you would think that a condom would be the antidote to this, and I spent a looooong phase of my life, many years ever since I learned what condoms were until I was an older teenager, maybe even young adult (I don't remember to be honest) thinking the same.

Herpes is spread skin to skin, not necessarily genital to genital or orfice to orfice, or any variation of that what have you. So, this is hard to describe without being graphic and I'm afraid of just barely "touching" the rules here, but for educational purposes this needs to be said: One example of a way that herpes may transfer even whilst using a condom, is for example if there are testicles still touching or slapping against genitals during penetration, for example. Even if you very purposely try to avoid this, it's a no-brainer that it's a risky gamble and very easy slip to accidentally have one small crevice of a genital accidentally touch another small crevice of a genital during sex, or even to have one small crevice of a genital touch one small crevice of a non-genital.

I really don't care about your guys concert and tinnitus debate, sounds monotonous, but THIS I HAD to add input because think of all of the people who are going to scroll past this and further bastardize people's understanding of how STD/Is are transmitted. It's a very dangerous territory when people think they already know something about a topic, that there is nothing left to learn, especially when the stakes are something important such as the health of the collective. People are genuinely out there being wreckless because they think THEY'RE NOT.

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I will get through this.

[–]Maleficent_Agent1121 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I believe you can take legal action against him for having sex with you without protection or disclosing his status.

[–]Grevhimself 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is one of my greatest fears actually, I might be the few who get along with girls/women very easily but I am always hesitant to get any further.

Awaiting your good news.

[–]Buckley92 -1 points0 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

My advice? Since he ghosted you and won't listen to you or deal with you... put up pictures on social media with his first name, clear photo and city/state (not address or phone number or surname or job) stating exactly what he did, as a warning to others. No way he deserves any sympathy, respect or anonymity, and he could do this to other girls, who could then give it to other men too. He needs to be called out, yesterday.

ONLY do this if you are ABSOLUTELY 150% SURE it WAS HIM that gave you that STD. You DO NOT want to ruin his life over a misunderstanding. Could you have picked it up from anywhere else?

For Example:

'Hey everyone. This is Warren, from Manhattan, New York. Be very aware, I met him at a restaurant downtown, we were in a relationship for three months, he lied to me about not having any STDs, I contracted HSV2 off him, then when I asked him if I could talk to him about it, he ghosted me. Stay safe out there!'

[–]CountTheBees5 Stars 13 points14 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Lolwut? And tell everyone around her she has herpes just to get back at him?

[–]Buckley92 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Could do it anonymously

[–]CountTheBees5 Stars 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's worse. The chance of OP being wrong about the source of the STI is nonzero. If you're willing to publicly damage someone else's reputation, you must be publicly liable if you are wrong.

[–]Buckley92 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I did say OP needs to be damn sure she didn't get it from anywhere else, at all. It can be pretty easy to get, especially if she has been sleeping with multiple people.

But it speaks volumes that (as I read OP) the guy just blocked her and wasn't even willing to go get tested. In my opinion, if it was another source, he'd be like, 'Omg, go get tested asap, where tf can I go to get tested' he might even send her the bill for the test/treatment or tell her she was an idiot, but wouldn't just ignore it.

This isn't evidence, or fact, and OP shouldn't take it as evidence, just my opinion.

[–]MirriMazDuur 7 points8 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

This is extraordinarily trashy. Not only does it expose her as having sex with him, but it also opens up a useless conflict which he might retaliate to. OP will end up with the screenshot of this all over the internet

[–]Buckley92 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Why is it trashy on her account? The guy is trashy for giving her herpes in the first place. There is nothing trashy about being a victim.

I'd do it anonymously.

If he really did give her herpes, he'd probably be too much of a coward to retaliate, I know the POS that sexually harrassed me was when I exposed him. Stop shaming women for exposing predators.

[–]MirriMazDuur 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am not shaming women. This is an std-giving douchebag, not a stalker or rapist whom the population needs to know about. Airing your dirty laundry in public is trashy and online vigilantism is bad. This only puts gas on many other fires, like men who "expose" women who've done porn or sex work, because they think they are doing the right the thing. It doesn't matter how right op is and how much he deserves it. Posting this publicly will achieve nothing

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link

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[–]Buckley92 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You can get herpes with condoms, a condom only covers the penis, not the testicles or pubic hair, how can you be so naive? You can also pick it up from oral sex if the guy has a cold sore or even just a badly cut lip or mouth ulcer. Have you always been this sheltered?

I'd also be super interested to see what TRP sub would say if a girl gave her male fwb herpes but didn't tell him anything or lied to him about it, and then just said 'gtfoh' and blocked him like a skank when he confronted her about it.

Would TRP be like, 'Ya she's a nasty skank but don't go destroying her reputation bro she doesn't deserve that that's not cool, just tough it out or try to get a lawyer and hope the court doesn't give her a pussy pass.' LOL

[–]WhisperTRP Founder 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd also be super interested to see what TRP sub would say if a girl gave her male fwb herpes but didn't tell him anything or lied to him about it, and then just said 'gtfoh' and blocked him like a skank when he confronted her about it.

I can tell you exactly what TRP would say, because TRP is pretty much what I say it is.

You're not going to be able to get any justice for this, either through legal means or social ones, because society is intensely protective of women, and not of you. Attempting to sue her, or spread negative publicity about her, will just blow back on you.

[–]AlexanderHart -4 points-3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Doesn't everyone have herpes?

[–]illuuminauti -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Unless he informed you of hacking said STD, j believe that illegal and you can press charges.

[–]cha0sm1n1stry -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fear not. Instead of this douchebag you'll find decent man, most probably with less sexual history. You will marry, have kids, he'll contract a virus you had from douchebag. Everything will be to the book. Young, heterosexual women are most endangered by contracting HIV (or other STDs). Why? Because they have sex with infected OLDER men. And pass STDs on younger, more decent males.

Same with kids, made by bad boys, bucked by betas.

[–]lookingforanswersugh[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!!

[–]sunnyappleslove 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Was protection used?

[–]purple_pansy88 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Are people still freaking out about herpes in this day and age? It's really not the end of the world that you have it. Just take some anti cold sore medicine if you become pregnant or experience frequent outbreaks.

It could be far worse. I would personally rather catch herpes than gonorrhea or Chlamydia. These are perfectly curable and I know that herpes isn't but they can do a lot more damage to your body.

[–]timissick -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Isnt that a crime?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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