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Has your boyfriend/husband ever asked you to change?

February 9, 2017

I'm just curious. Has your boyfriend or husband ever asked you to specifically change something about yourself? Specifically, traits that are personal to you (disregarding femininity).

For example, if you're a yoga girl, would you feel insulted or annoyed if he asked you to join Crossfit because he thinks yoga is silly? If you're boho-chic fashion, but he asks you to dress more glam? If you like the arts but he asks you to be more sporty? If you're a quiet soft-spoken girl but he asks you to be a more outgoing party girl?

And did you comply? Or did you feel insulted? Do you feel like he should like who you are in your preferences?

What do you feel is acceptable for your partner to ask you to change?

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[–]the_baumer11 points12 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

God no. I've begged him to tell me his preferences of hair, clothes, body type and it's always "You look good no matter what because you're you." I know that's nice but for once it'd be nice to know what he actually likes.

[–][deleted] -5 points-4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

This is a beta male. He is either afraid of telling what he really wants or too shy to admit it. My advice is to send him a variety of links to racy stuff and ask him which he likes best. Men are conditioned to be subserviant to women these days and letting him know you want HIM to make a decision for HIS pleasure will turn on his attraction for you even more. Bring out his alpha nature. At every opportunity.

[–]charlotteplusplus9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

uh, what??

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don't believe that to be a fair diagnosis. Some men genuinely don't care as long as you fit in a certain weight range and attractiveness level. I'm sure if she asked him "hey should I gain 50 pounds?" then he would have more to say.

[–]the_baumer1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well yeah. He won't be a dick about it but I know he's not attracted to overweight women (he's told me that). I know he has standards but I seem to fit them anyway.

[–]frpilled0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Pretty sure my guy is attracted to me in the first place, so that explains why he doesn't have too many drastic opinions on my looks, not because he's just a beta, but ok then...

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think you're getting downvoted because you're trying to put men into alpha/beta classes, rather than acknowledging that most men are a mix of the two (though you almost got there with that second last sentence).

The idea of sending him a variety of links and asking what he likes best is an okay one, though! For example, buying a bunch of lingerie (ebay is good for that) to try a variety of styles, then sending him photos or modelling for them to find out what he prefers.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for your thoughts. I don't mind being downvoted. Everyone is different and hearing different points of view and applications is what this is all about. Best regards.

[–]gunfetti points points [recovered] | Copy Link

No, I don't think my SO has ever done that. He's asked me not to change things ("don't cut your really long hair!"). And he's suggested I try new things ("I want to see you in a crop top, you should get some for summer") but in a situations like you describe above, I think he would just laugh at me every time I went to/did yoga, or he'd compliment me when I dressed glam, or he'd tickle me and tell me to pre-game a shot or two before going out so I'm more bubbly.

I think because he never explicitly tells me to change, I am more open to the idea of changing for the things he expresses he likes.

[–]charlotteplusplus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same!! I am all hears for suggestions!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My husband prefers I wear bright colors compared to my extremely neutral palette of clothes. But he has never asked me to do it, he has just expressed that he prefers it. I suppose it did make me wonder if he felt I was attractive, but that's just the hamster. Of course he does! Why would he have married me otherwise?

I have branched out in my color choices and if he says he likes a certain color shirt or dress I'll buy it because he vocalized his opinion and his opinion greatly matters to me.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

An attractive person will look even more attractive in certain clothing. I too never told my wife which clothing I like more until she asked. This may be a male thing. We hate unsolicited advice, so we're less likely to dispense it.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes, my husband is the same. Bit difficult for me as a former goth/arty type who only wore black ;)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well I was and still am, but to a lesser extent a practicing minimalist so neutrals were an easy minimal wardrobe. But I've added light pink and lavender to the rotation as well as pastel blue.

[–]Jayms4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can't think of a time when my husband has done this. He expresses preferences by complimenting me usually but overall he says he just wants me to be happy. I know he doesn't always agree with things I do and sometimes jokes with me about it, but he has always been supportive and accepting even if he didn't get why I liked or did something. That's one of the reasons I'm with him and adore him so much!

[–]Moral_Gutpunch2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mine has asked me several times to stop agreeing with my mom on stuff. He still doesn't understand letting her do mild toxic things can keep a big toxic disaster from happening. I have no idea what to feel about that.

Last night he asked me to be more expressive and not worry about his feelings as much (he feels better with honesty when it comes up). I'm happy about it, but not sure if I can.

[–]SouthernAthenaEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nope, never. He did suggest that my former roller derby playing wasn't his favorite since my body got battered so much and it was hard for him to watch. He was worried about my physical well-being, but he never once told me to stop. He basically said "Do what you want" and always has. He's very supportive and trusts me to make decisions for what's best for me. Needless to say he's a little more excited about my taking up the cello :P

However, if he brought up a problem that really affected the core of our relationship, I'd absolutely listen. Awhile ago he did once or twice mention that I wasn't emotionally available or expressive and that he needs that. He never did tell me to change though. I made an effort to be more expressive and free with my feelings, and it's been better for both of us.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yes. He has demands and I am happy to comply to meet them. When we first met, I didnt even have my ears pierced. He told me to do it and I did. He tells me what to wear at home or when we go out and I love it. I used to eat alone at bars. Now if I go out to lunch alone, I get a table and send him a pic. I enjoy having a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to demand it. It's the least I can do. Every change of me physically, behavior wise, or whatever has been a net positive result for both of us. I trust his judgement and am happy to meet his expectations.

[–]gunfetti points points [recovered] | Copy Link

Oh man, I would despise this haha. I suppose your username is relevant...happy you're happy!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Spend the better part of 2 decades with a roll over man and you'll love every second of it. A man who knows what he wants and a woman willing to give him it makes for a great relationship.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband would get terribly bored if he had that level of control over me, haha! But you do you!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My husband is particular about how stuff is done. I don't feel like he's directly told me to change something, but that's probably because we've been together since I was really young, so it wasn't like I had a solid routine yet.

He'll also ask me to change things food-wise, like he'll tell me when he gets tired of something I pack for lunch or if he wants something more veggie-based or higher carb or whatever.

There have been a couple of outfits that he's vetoed, but probably like 4 in our entire relationship. He just felt they were too revealing and I respected that. I also take his preferences to heart. He loves neutral tones and dark colors so that's primarily what I wear because I want to please him :)

I can't imagine a legitimate reason he would ask me to stop a hobby unless we couldn't afford it, but making someone who likes yoga quit and forcing them to try crossfit seems a bit controlling to me. I would require more explanation to make that leap, but I would be open to keeping up with yoga AND giving crossfit a try.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel like I'm a little different. If my boyfriend asked me to join Crossfit because it's more athletic and explosive and high energy, whereas I'm a soft energy spiritual yoga girl, I actually would feel a little offended and think - well why didn't you choose a girl who already likes Crossfit?

These are major preference changes though - if my boyfriend told me he likes me wearing a certain color - that I chose for myself - then I'd make an effort to wear more of that color. And if I gained a few pounds and he asked me to lose back to my original weight, I'd certainly comply.

But if I'm already an artsy girl, and he wants me to go skiing and rock climbing with him, I feel like that's getting into controlling territory. He should have chosen a girl who already likes skiing and rock climbing, or just do it with his guy friends. If I'm naturally quiet and he complains about it, I feel like he should have chosen a girl who is more outgoing.

Maybe I'm stubborn though, so that's why I wanted to see what others thought!

[–]RainbowKitty771 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He has asked me to change one or two things about myself. More of the you're still pretty shy with me, can you try not to be variety. Of which I don't mind changing.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No and that's a red flag if a guy did ask those particular types of things imo

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My SO never asked me to change anything but naturally I want him to see me as very attractive. I like to ask his opinion so I can abide by his preferences.

Let's say for example hair, I like my hair pink and brown but he prefers a darker red. He still finds the pink attractive but made it clear he wouldn't like blue or green at all. Happy to comply.

I discovered he liked a casual look more than my usual alternative all black look so I'm more than happy to change my clothes in a way that appeals to him more.

He probably wouldn't mind if I remained as I was but he made it clear he would like me to lose weight and wear different clothes. He didn't force me to or do anything to make me feel ugly the way I am, he just stated his personal preferences when asked.

I'm really happy that he actually gave me clear guidelines instead of letting me in the dark.

[–]charlotteplusplus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

We have an implicit agreement to never ask the other to chance anything.

We can make suggestions, but this as far as we would go. Since we love eachother, a suggestion very often leads to implementing a chance. But not always, and no bad feelings when it does not happen.

We both think we are damn lucky to have found eachother, and we are not willing to compromise our future with eachother on any kind of triviality.

[–]videlachkadua0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

He asked me to improve myself career wise through graduation. He was disappointed in me for staying at home. It took me awhile to figure it out because I was blaming my disease for everything. Now I am doing better.

[–]MilkTeaTime0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes. Gain weight, lose weight, get a bigger ass, wear less makeup, take less time getting ready, dye my hair back to brown, be more outgoing. There's probably more but I can't think of them right now.

If it's related to my body, I feel like it's out of line, as these are not things I can change overnight. But it's really all about delivery and how they're said. Is it coming from a place of malice and insult, or is it coming as a kindhearted suggestion?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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