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He's successful and very independent. I don't feel needed.

November 30, 2020

Hi everyone!

I have a weird situation that I need some advice on. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we're both 30. Lately, we've been discussing our future in more detail because I want to make sure that we're both on the same page on various issues before we start making some big life decisions. I'd say that we're 90% compatible. The only major issue I have is my boyfriend's independence. In past relationships, I was used to feeling needed. In this relationship, I don't feel "needed" at all.

He has a successful business and so naturally, I figured I would be the one to take care of the home since he's very busy with his work. However, this isn't the case. He does all the cooking. He really enjoys it and prefers doing it himself, even after working a long day. When it comes to cleaning and taking care of the house, he has a cleaning lady that comes over once or twice a week to tidy things up. Laundry? He does all of it. Taking care of his dog isn't even an option because he pays a neighbor girl to walk him and groom him, etc. Literally everything in his life is already taken care of. I feel useless.

I appreciate that he's so well put together but I miss feeling like I'm needed in the relationship. Also, he just hired an assistant for work, so I'm feeling even less useful because he no longer asks me to help him with little work projects here and there. I hope this post doesn't sound whiny. I'm just feeling a little down and I'm hoping you can give me some advice on how to be more valuable in this relationship? Thank you <3

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Post Information
Title He's successful and very independent. I don't feel needed.
Author PieBeginning7549
Upvotes 98
Comments 23
Date November 30, 2020 6:50 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]ddouchecanoe80 points81 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This seems like an excellent opportunity to begin understanding where your need to be needed stems from. Taking on a motherly role in your relationship is archetypal, but not always the healthiest thing.

Also- if you have any desire for children and go on to have them, this definitely wont last forever. Have you discussed this? Or a potential mutual interest in you being a stay at home mom?

You should consider reading about love languages. It seems like one of the major ways you demonstrate love is by caring for others. Maybe you can pivot this in a way that could make you feel fulfilled in your ability to demonstrate love in a more productive way.
My guess is that if he is this put together, you could probably discuss this with him. Your approach will be everything, as you don't want to risk making him feel suffocated, but you could express how fulfilling it is to be trusted enough and invited to help him with things. Maybe you could ask if you can make dinner together, or trade off? Offer to make him a special meal and tell him you want to as well.

Relationships thrive on calm, clear communication.

[–]lord-denning83 points84 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This has come up before recently. This is what I said last time, please adjust as appropriate for your situation:

This is a type of test. He is showing you that he is a top notch provider. Now it is your turn to step up.

Find other, feminine ways to add value.

Can you really turn your house into a home? Can you make it a place that he absolutely loves and can’t wait to come back to in terms of decor, textures, ambience? What kind of routines can you set up when he arrives?

Can you make meals that are absolutely stupendous and that he brags about to his friends and yet are healthy and help you both meet your fitness goals? (Edit: your suggestion here could be that you take turns cooking for each other, with you taking charge during some of the weekdays when he will busy in the office, and then knock his socks off and still be 50/50).

Can you adjust your wardrobe so that you are a credit to him in public and shows his good taste and ability to marry the best, and that at home he cannot keep his hands off you?

Where else can your wifely support take things to the next level? Dinners with the boss and family, creating networking opportunities, making things socially excellent?

And critically, can you save his money and show that his contribution is valuable and will never be squandered or taken for granted? Can you show him ways that you will set up and run the household and your life together to help him achieve your family’s financial goals faster?

He has shown that he is a maximal provider. Now it is your turn. Do not fall into complacency by just providing good sex as some here are suggesting. Think carefully, take his input and put forth a strong effort to use all this extra free time to back your man up and show what feminine skills you can bring to the relationship. It is crucial to do so.

[–]barooka32 points33 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m like your bf. Also why it’s hard for me if a girl gets too involved in my life. Maybe he has some trouble sharing his space and wants everything exactly the way it was.

Try to invite him into a hobby of yours. Introduce him to your life. Invite him to hang out with your friends or family. Cook him a great meal or something you can make together. Get him a thoughtful gift maybe something he always wanted

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm going to ask you what I often ask on other subs:

What do you bring to the table? Where does your value come from?

We know where his comes from. Competent, professional, even cooks, etc. So what do you bring?

I'll tell you what you CAN bring:

Companionship. Soft place to land. A caring ear. And a mother to his children. These are what set women apart from THOTs.

Anyone can cook and clean. He has the income handled. He has an assistant. So look at what he can't easily pay for.

Companionship. Partner. Confidante. A shoulder to lean on. A second opinion. A cheerleader. A lover. A mother.

That's what you should focus on.

ALSO: talk to him about this. Ask HIM what you bring to the table... and what he's looking for. I guarantee he'll surprise you.

[–]Advanced_Bar_673-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Love this reply.

[–]liveyourbestlife838 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

  1. Did you tell him your feelings?

If you haven't get off of here and got talk to him first.

[–]MemberBenefits9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If I understand correctly you don’t feel like you are contributing if you’re not needed. The need to be needed comes from codependency and is extremely unhealthy. Have you look into attachment styles because anxious-preoccupied might ring a few bells for you and your man sounds like he’s securely attached. This will be a problem for both of you in the relationship, he will get tried of reassuring you and you never feel good enough for him.

All attachment styles are formed in the first couple of years of life so also look honestly at the relationships in your family, you will see patterns of behaviour and this will make more sense. Yes you can become securely attached but not without a lot of soul searching and therapy is definitely something to consider <3

[–]Advanced_Bar_6735 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Examine your need to feel needed. Did this ever backfire in previous relationships? Did you become too maternal? He sounds like an ultimate provider, and if children are in the future then he has definitely set the stage for you to be able to focus all your energy on them and him which is amazing.

If children are a ways off still, how can you add value that is not maternal? I would take the initiative to walk the dog on your own, ask his opinion on relevant things in your life (job, hobbies) and truly LISTEN to his input. Are you giving and adventurous in the bedroom, and also expressing feminine vulnerability?

I too have a very independent and self sufficient man, and oftentimes he seems to enjoy our silent cuddling and lots of physical contact (see Love Languages); I like being a calm and sensual refuge for him. I also make him laugh a lot ( I'm still surprised how much he loves when I act childlike and silly, but he really does. He instigates it now so I will do it, and I know it brings him joy).

Think of the ways ONLY YOU can add value to his life: tenderness, touch, listening, unwavering support, silence, little surprises, intimate jokes, etc. Write down a list of what you bring to the table. Good luck!!!

[–]Davidoff246 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am sorry you feel this way. Your feelings are valid though. I think you should approach this situation very tactfully and slowly. Day by day just try and change the routine a little bit so that you have some control. Also, I really think having children changes your relationship for the better. Sounds like you have it all, a successful husband and you looking after the house (even though minimal at this point), so children could be welcomed. I am sorry if this was too personal to touch and I wish you all the best.

[–]Brandonxxxi6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Then find ways to be useful to him. It’s not hard to make him breakfast in bed in the morning for example. How about start offering to clean up the place instead of hiring a cleaning lady? You would save him some money. Just do something, instead of sitting around waiting for your needs of feeling needed being met. Ask him directly what can you do for him.

[–]TheBunk_TB3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You could be supportive and loving.

[–]aussiedollface21 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Umm this sounds amazing hehe! Seriously though, just look for unique ways you can be a value add. It’s very hard for someone to provide themselves with emotional support for example which is where you step in xo

[–]metajenn1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

better whip out them stilettos and lingerie.

(it's a joke)

But seriously, if he's got all these things figured out, I'd look to the areas he can't outsource.

[–]subconciousunshine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

this is why marriage is important in a society so you can feel needed to fulfill his sexual fantasies.

[–]Animalcrossing4eva-2 points-1 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

You just need a baby. Get married and have a baby and you will be so thankful that he doesn’t need you.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Yes because we all know that babies fix relationship problems. 🤨

[–]Animalcrossing4eva-1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

This isn’t a relationship problem though. This is like hints being too perfect. A baby really would solve her problem. What a dumb response. Think about it for a few seconds. She doesn’t have anything to do, babies give you plenty to do.

[–]mr4kino1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are delusional. Babies, in fact, add more issues. It's not perfect here, the guy is full RP (without sleeping around), and yeah he seems more than complete. But she doesn't bring stuff to the table, this is where the issue is. Hence her post as she knows in the background that she doesn't "own" the man, so the relationship is not secure.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Most people asking for relationship advice want advice to make the relationship better. Kids, especially early on, are a notorious strain on couples. It could give her something to do but drive him away.

This is only advice if you are stuck in a marriage with someone you don't like and no option for divorce.

Babies don't fix your life and that's an unhealthy burden to put on a child.

[–]Animalcrossing4eva0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I didn’t say get knocked up without his consent. I said get married and have a baby. That will be bringing something to the table. A lot of men actually want a wife and children and love their wives for being great moms to their children. This is why guys will fall in love with the nanny so often. What’s the point in even having a relationship if it’s not to get married and have kids? What’s the point to anything without kids? Kids are the greatest joy in life and the biggest project you will ever undertake. Sure it would be a strain if you aren’t both wanting it, but it brings a couple together when they want to have a baby. A relationship without children is no different from friends with benefits.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's only bringing something to the table if he wants it and wants it now. The OP has no control over her bf's part in all this only her own. You are acting as though she just has to say "hey guy, marry me" and it will all fall into place . What if you are wrong. It's a huge gamble to take instead of choosing to work on herself and the relationship first.

But all that aside, a lot of these are simply your opinions. I think a life based solely on children isnt one I'd ever want to have. Babies turn into kids and kids turn into adults who have their own lives. If that is what you base your identity and relationships upon then you become no one when kids are grown. Or you become an overbearing mother who can't let go.

What's the point of a relationship without kids? Companionship, support, sex...any number of things. Your relationship style isn't the only way.

[–]Animalcrossing4eva0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If the woman says "Hey, what do you think about marriage?" and the guy react negatively HE WAS NEVER GOING TO MARRY YOU!!!! They know whether they are using you for sex or want to commit. It's not a gamble to ask for what you want, because if he doesn't want to give it to you, then great, you're saving yourself time in a dead-end relationship. Why should she work on a relationship with no commitment? You're just putting energy into something that is temporary. If the point of relationships are companionship and sex why should anyone put in work to keep them going? Just dump them and get somebody new.

You have a really weird view of parenting. The kids growing up and becoming adults is the best part! You can sit back, relax, and feel proud about making some great people. It's not about what we get from out kids, it's about what we give to our kids. Hopefully they visit and they have grandkids we can help them raise, but that's for the good of the grandkids, not for selfish reasons. I think this is the fundamental reason that people are so unhappy and relationships are so dysfunctional. You all have no point to life or relationships or any of it! Just momentary pleasure. My relationship "style" is the only way that's worked for thousands of years, literally every single one of your ancestors did it. It's passing on the favor, someone raised us, and someone raised our parents, for an untold number of generations. And it's our joy to pass that gift on to more people and keep it going. The reason we feel love and attachment for our mates is because nature found it advantageous (or it's God's plan) for parents to bond, and work together to raise their young. Sex when you're trying not to get pregnant is so lame. It's like if we invented food that was zero calorie was tasted good, yeah, that's great and all, but i wouldn't really bad the same, you could still tell, it wouldn't satisfy you.

[–]Animalcrossing4eva0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re delusional. She didn’t complain that the relationship isn’t secure. She’s complained that she has nothing to do. And babies give women plenty to do. Stop being a baby hater.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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