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How can I do nun mode, but for friends?

December 27, 2019

I humbly ask all the wise people in this sub for advice, and maybe some emotional support if you feel like it :)

This year has been tough. Basically, my best friend since high school (I'm 26 now) broke up with me over text with no explanation in January 2019, and it absolutely broke me (exponentially more painful than any boyfriend breakup). This wasn't drifting apart. We were talking almost every day, hanging out often and even took trips together. I live with my fiance and was a hermit until July-ish to recover from the pain.

That was when I decided to try to make new friends in my current city, since I have zero. Now, I used to be pretty good at making friends and have a few long-distance friends. But ever since this friend breakup, I can't make friends for the life of me. I must be sending off a weird or desperate vibe. I met a small handful of new women in the city and one ghosted me after hanging out a few times. Two of them seem to only have me around for the acts of service I provide. They don't seem to respect me. Sometimes they don't respond to my msgs and I feel like if I didn't initiate, they never would. I used a couple of friendship apps. It's not going well.

Anyway, I see the common denominator is me. My partner says it's because I'm too nice. I don't know, it's weird because I've never had this problem before! I thought I was healed in July, but it's becoming clear that I'm not.

So how do I do nun mode, but for friends? It's very confusing because part of nun mode is usually strengthening platonic relationships. How can I avoid potentially emotionally overloading my fiance from not having friends? What specific things should I focus on during this nun mode? How long should it be and should I even do it? Finally, can you relate to taking a nun mode for friends or just a period of friendlessness? I'd love to hear your experiences! Thank you!

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Post Information
Title How can I do nun mode, but for friends?
Author LeilaintheDark
Upvotes 24
Comments 11
Date December 27, 2019 6:56 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-can-i-do-nun-mode-but-for-friends.303238
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/egf66e/how_can_i_do_nun_mode_but_for_friends/
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[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link


[–]LeilaintheDark2 Stars[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks for your advice!

I've read bits and pieces of that book. The thing is, I feel like I was a likeable person but all of a sudden I'm not. After the breakup, I just feel low-key anxious about women not liking me, which probably leads to them not liking me haha.

The organic thing is so important. Recently I signed up for a dance class, and it was finally for me and not for the purpose of making friends. Though if friends naturally arise, great :)

[–]StepfordInTexas[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was coming here to recommend this book as well!

[–]hopecookie8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My best friend dumbed me last summer. Have some online friends but no one to actually hang out with and have a deep connection with. I go to the gym, and started drawing to fill the time, and to make sure I don't become too much for my bf. Going to focus on myself and I will see if friends ill come along in the future.

[–]queensephine2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"You're too nice." This was said to me during Christmas from a cousin. I have noticed Ive become too damn nice though but I know its something I can change.

I don't have any friends and rely mostly on my partner for that friendship connection. I used to make friends quite easily but I've noticed not close ones since highschool.

I understand where you are coming from.

People love dimensions, but when you become too nice, to others you are one dimensional. Now its about expanding character, learning to have better banter, genuinely be interested in the person and listen to them. Being funny is also a plus and is a skill that can be developed.

Ask your partner for more feedback too, him saying that honestly is great to see.

Questions that came to my mind were: Do I start saying abit more of the not-so-great thoughts that I have in my mind? Do I tone down how 'nice' I am all the time? Am I just simply 'pleasant' to be around?

[–]LeilaintheDark2 Stars[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much! That’s very relatable. I did eventually ask my partner for more feedback but I think I’ll just leave it alone for a while. I need to not even think about friends for a few months and just work on myself, hence the nun mode.

I’ve actually been to therapy before for a whole year and learned a lot about my self-esteem or lack thereof, and relationship patterns I fall into. Sometimes I might actually push people who are too nice away because I feel like I don’t deserve it (subconsciously). Other people might be doing the same. But we also have to make sure that we’re being nice as a reflection of who we are and not with hidden expectations of reciprocity.

Yeah I think not making close friends after high school/uni is normal unless you really make that an intention.

[–]szsunshine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It is not easy to make friends once you leave school. There are plenty of articles about how hard it is to make friends or couples friends so you are not alone. I second (third?) the advice to volunteer. You will meet giving, charitable, civic-minded people that way. Or consider joining a women’s group (local women’s club, welcome wagon, newcomers club).

Work on making yourself more interesting - by reading good books or articles, spending time on a hobby, trying new things (restaurants, movies, local landmarks), volunteering, taking a adult education class.

Don’t overthink it if people don’t initiate plans with you. I have friends who will NEVER contact me to meet up, but when I call them, are super excited to hear from me and tell me they will meet with me any time, anywhere it is convenient for ME. People who are not excited to meet up with me I stop trying with....I choose to devote my energy to people who WANT and have time for my friendship. It could not be personal - you don’t know what is happening in someone else’s life. They could be overwhelmed and not have space in their life for a new friend, and that’s ok.

[–]hazeltabby1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

your best friend cut you out suddenly, new people ghost you. these things don't happen cause you are too nice. but we don't know much more than that, so it's impossible to pinpoint what may be the core of the problems. you need some honest feedback from somebody who can observe you, not some self help book

[–]LeilaintheDark2 Stars[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks for your feedback.

I don't think my ex best friend cut me out because I was too nice. That one was quite a mystery. I'm saying that I had no issues making friends (no friends in this city because of moving, traveling etc.) until this friendship breakup, which leads me to believe that the core issue is that I'm trying too hard to make new friends. This is leading me to be a social pushover, second guessing everything I'm saying, worrying about others not liking me.

Thus, I wanted to try this "nun mode" for a while so I can get my mind completely off of making friends, focus on myself and perhaps go to therapy.

[–]hazeltabby3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

therapy is probably a good idea. I'm just thinking that maybe your best friend cutting you out and others not sticking around either are related to the same issue.

[–]Fatninja12840 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

hhhhhhmmmm. Well I made friends by going out and trying things I was interested in doing. Often times when we're in relationships we get so committed to the other person we forget to do things for ourselves. Plus it's easier to make friends when you have a mutual interest in an activity. That's what I would do.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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