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How do you girls deal with it?

September 14, 2020

I’m sorry if this strays from topic, but I’ve noticed that the only type of traditional femininity promoted in the media and even our daily lives is the very plastic, hot pink version of girl power and “I don’t need no man, I can kick tail in heels” mindset.

Feminine traits that don’t fit into that box are kicked so far down and spat on by so many. Things like gentleness, agreeableness, kindness, warmth, and tenderness seem to be totally forgotten. Even being a housewife is frowned upon by a lot of culture and people in daily life. Traditionally feminine flaws like being a bit emotional or weak are seemingly only acceptable when men do it because it’s the progressive thing to do. If I show that weakness, it’s instantly “you’re lazy, you’re stupid, you don’t need no man”. It’s frustrating. I don’t want to be the hot pink man with a pretty dress on.

How do you deal with that kind of shaming/message that’s seemingly constantly shoved down everyone’s throat?

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Post Information
Title How do you girls deal with it?
Author BubblegumBunnie
Upvotes 97
Comments 39
Date September 14, 2020 11:35 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]cyanexttuesdaykthx107 points108 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

In my experience, being kind, agreeable, tender etc... off the get go make you very vulnerable to men who want to take advantage of women.

All of those are admirable but they tend to make you an easy target for narcissists and disingenuous men who are not looking for passion and romance, but rather someone who will tolerate them not putting effort into the relationship because you are kind, tender, agreeable and ultimately put his needs above yours.

They are good, valuable traits to foster but they are traits to be given with time after a man has proven he will provide and care for you.

[–]Wash_your_mouth27 points28 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The other side of the coin, though, is that by showing all those feminine qualities you increase the chance of attracting the attention of a very high value man. Do keep that in mind.

[–]ManguZa1 Star23 points24 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I disagree so much...

You can be kind, agreeable, tender, etc AND refusing unbalanced relationship. Don't confuse both. It's not because some girls without self confidence appear kind by default that it's a veritable kindness. Kindness should not be used as to hide lack of other qualities like sociability or self respect.

Incidently women are not outdone by men about taking advantage of "kind" people (meaning in reality people without enough self-respect).

[–]IcarusKiki2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You can be kind without being agreeable to the point where you are seen as weak and a doormat.

[–]areyoupunk3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That is so true and explains my last relationship so well.

[–]Ms_Sommersby2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree. A man wants someone he can trust to care for themselves when he isn't around.

[–]nikitaaj6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]Ying_Ying_20203 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

100% agree!

[–]jakethegreatwhite1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That depends on the type of men you go for, and thats why you atleast try to vet people you meet or date.

[–]IcarusKiki40 points41 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don’t mean to come off as accusatory but ask yourself if you are unnecessarily projecting your own prejudices and insecurities onto them? Because I lived in a house of 7 SJW women for a whole year and we were all still friends despite our differences. Being a RPW isn’t a religion or identity and shouldn’t isolate you from other women. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be a housewife or being independent so maybe instead of looking for differences look for similarities?

[–]celestevolpe725 points26 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Can’t agree with this more. We are not enemies as much as we think we are. Yes, there are liberal women who are misogynistic, judgmental, and hypocritical (same for RPW!!) but it’s not the majority or the rule. Don’t isolate yourself from other women before you know the real story, a lot of the time it’s all in your head. Also: the default narratives you will assume people want to push on you are most of the time just THEM living THEIR truth and best life. It’s easy to misconstrue that as them wanting cultural homogeny, when in reality they’re simply minding their own business and doing what works for them. Standing out because you’re different from the crowd and being actively excluded or oppressed aren’t the same things.

[–]Cultivate_a_Rose4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There are few things less feminine than being judgmental and outspoken about one's own passed judgements.

[–]takisntortillachips40 points41 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

I- literally have no idea where you live because I live in an incredibly liberal area (Berkeley, CA) and have never gotten that sort of messaging from more socially liberal friends. The only times I’ve been told that are by my more traditional Christian friends after I’ve gotten broken up with, and it’s meant in the sense that “you are a whole person in Christ and losing a man doesn’t diminish your worth”. Interestingly my more liberal friends are the ones who tell me to feel my feelings and acknowledge the pain and encourage me not to lose faith in love.

In media, even, I still see that women are not worthy of love until they can be vulnerable and “earn” a man’s attentions and it’s a little bit disgusting

[–]BubblegumBunnie[S] 11 points12 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I guess it’s my own home town. Every girl here either becomes a boy, acts like one, or has dreams for these big careers with a lot of money and power. It’s that mixed with a mom who constantly beats in the “don’t need no man, focus on a career, men are pigs/pets/dogs” mindset so my worldview is probably a little skewed.

[–]takisntortillachips27 points28 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Living costs in my area are astronomical and it is almost impossible to have a nice life in a suburb without dual income. That’s mainly why my parents steer me to focus on a career, because these years are crucial to getting internships and starting job offers that will define my earning potential. Men are everywhere and I will find one. High paying jobs however, are less easy to secure.

[–]thesillymachine11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know a couple of working women. Neither of them are quite the type you describe. Some women have to work and some women feel the need to work because of the way their childhood was (think poverty and abuse). The ones in my life are wonderful women who either greatly desire to become a mother or already are a loving, caring mom. They have other feminine traits, like enjoying to cook, garden, loving their husbands as we do, ect. Being a career woman is not inherently bad. I do believe in traditional roles, to a great extent, but there are always exceptions. In one's case, the husband stays home to care for the children.

I understand that yes, women in our society have gone down a less desirable path with feminism. I just think that we should be really careful in how we judge others without knowing their story because some of these women do have stories and aren't just making life decisions based on what the media portrays or what feels good at the time.

[–]celestevolpe78 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I understand where you would interpret that from your mother, but I don’t think that she necessarily is trying to put down the other traits that you mention (of course this is my assumption & I don’t know her or you personally) and rather the narrative she is pushing is less about demonizing femininity and more about trying to make sure she raises a daughter who can be self sufficient. Regardless of who you are, it is imperative to have an education and job and life experience to fall back on in a worst case scenario. Not teaching that to your child is bad parenting. Another important note: being a career woman/not having a male partner/having a high education etc and being a feminine woman are NOT mutually exclusive. That itself is a harmful narrative. I’m not saying that you are promulgating it in this thread, but it is something related to what you’re discussing and was somewhat implied when you mentioned her focus on career. It’s something that I have struggled with my entire life and I know other feminine women like myself have too. Why can’t a single career woman still be traditionally feminine? You don’t have to be a stay at home mom to be a feminine, nurturing person. I’m young so I’m not married yet (would like to be!) but I am constantly told by both strangers and close friends that I exude a rare kind of feminine elegance and delicateness, yet I am a working girl at two thankless jobs and pursuing a higher education. You can be both, darling. Don’t limit yourself by ANYONE’s stereotypes.

[–]takisntortillachips5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hmm there’s nothing wrong with the girls in your area pursuing their dreams if those really are their dreams. Many parents in my area also emphasize staying single and getting a career, but it’s meant more as “focus on being able to provide for yourself before getting distracted by fickle relationships.” The thing about all men are bad — well, that’s quite extreme as a statement, however I’ve been told the same thing by my parents in order to warn me away from being alone with a man. They don’t want me raped or murdered is all.

I can see how you interpret the situation differently, but the best thing you can do is to understand the truth that relationships can be loving and fruitful, but that you might be too young to actively pursue a serious one prior to being able to take care of yourself, and although your mother’s words are harsh, she’s your mother. She wants the best for you. She most likely doesn’t mean these things literally.

[–]IcarusKiki3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Are you sure it’s literally every girl?

[–]BubblegumBunnie[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don’t know every girl personally but damn it’s a loud majority.

[–]rosesonthefloor13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Extremists are often the loudest. Not saying you’re wrong, just saying in general.

[–]brownlatina0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

i have the same mom in a way shes worse. shes kinda like be independent make ur own money, learn to cook bc when "she decides" to get me married the man will expect me to earn and cook and she says nothing abt what the guys duties are. shes kinda like the person who wants to give u the bad things of both sides kinda person very annyong

[–]morganKxoxo6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I usually look at the people spreading that message and it’s pretty obvious I don’t want to be like them. They usually aren’t living the type of life I strive for so I don’t take it to heart. Traditional living isn’t for everyone, and that’s fine, but I just think it’s funny when so called feminists like to tell other women how they should live instead of letting them make their own choices.

I also don’t really closely associate with women like that because our views just don’t align.

[–]Ok-Firefighter-22666 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have not had any of these experiences you are taking about and I live in NYC, which is obviously very liberal. Everyone I know, (with the exception of exactly 1 friend and 1 family member) is liberal.

People need to start making the distinction between media and what is actually happening in real life. Movies, books, and tv shows promote a certain type of woman because who wants to watch a movie about a SAHM cooking, cleaning, dealing with poop/vomit, and going about regular life? Isn’t seeing a woman kick ass as a super hero or CEO more exciting? Don’t you think a movie about female super hero fighting transformers or something would sell more than a movie about a mom doing house work?

In my experience, in real life (as in not media) we very much live In a society that still tells women that their whole self worth and value as a human being is based on whether or not we can attract and keep a man. From the time girls are born we are socialized to seek men (Disney movies, fairy tales etc.) Most of my friends have at some point in their lives have received pressure from friends/family for not being in a relationship, not being married by a certain age, not having kids by a certain age, etc. It has caused many women to think of themselves as failures if these things have not happened to them. I will never think this is okay. I read a sad article recently about a woman (in the UK, I believe?) who committed suicide for no other reason than she had just turned 30 and wasn’t married yet. I’m sure she had other mental health issues as well but this is and example of the kind of damage that this causes.

When people say “Be a strong independent woman” or “I don’t need a man” it is in direct response to the sentiment that as a woman, your whole reason for living should be to find and be with a man. They aren’t telling you you shouldn’t ever want to be with one, you should never get married, never have a family, and only have a career. I have no idea where that came from. As semi-red piller who leans more toward wanting a more traditional life and relationship, I’m perfectly fine with people challenging the toxic idea that woman aren’t whole beings without men.

[–]AgathaMysterie4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Embrace and nurture your feminine side but don’t make the mistake of swinging into a caricature/stereotype sort of womanhood.

I’m not the sweetest, gentlest, warmest person on earth (INTJ/enneagram 5) but I am feminine - because I just follow the age old advice of “be yourself”! Authentic femininity is you, a woman, being true to yourself.

[–]thesillymachine7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

By being comfortable in my traditional role and not letting anyone get me down. I love this. I own this. You made different decisions in life? Cool. Me too! I guess we do have something in common. Us showing respect and love despite differences is going to shine brighter than shoving our agendas and lifestyles down their throats.

[–]Eosei2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Specifically to the issue with media, you don't need to consume media content that doesn't suit you. Be selective. If you want to find characters that have more depth, go for classics, start reading older books. Pick up a book that is from between the beginning of time to 1970 or so. If you want feminine characters in movies works from Studio Ghibli is a lovely place to start from, I'm sure there's others. Building up a feel for quality helps you to not pay any mind to trash.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]rosesonthefloor3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wait am I watching different Lifetime movies?? The ones I’ve seen are all cutesy, predictable romance ones. Are there a lot of them about divorce?

[–]cornycatlady6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

It’s just a societal knee jerk reaction to millennia of forced upon gender roles. Maybe society will find a brief moment of balance between what you described and ultra traditional gender roles. Until then the pendulum continues to swing back and forth

[–]LiveFree1773-3 points-2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]cornycatlady0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Im talking about American society as whole.

[–]LiveFree1773-3 points-2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's not some kind of knee jerk reaction. There is a specific and obvious agenda being pushed.

By the way "the pendulum swinging" isnt some law of nature that just happens. It's men doing things.

[–]cornycatlady0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok whatever

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm not a super feminine woman to be honest. But I do have some feminine traits, and living in this feminist culture that shames femininity caused me a lot of stress back when I was still buying into the feminist nonsense.

Like I think my most feminine trait is that I like romance. A LOT. I read tons of romance novels. I've written a few romance novels. I love love. So that "independent don't need no man" stuff never sat right with me. What is so wrong with liking men? With wanting to fall in love? And as an indie author, I see it all the time, if a female character has the goal of falling in love or getting the guy, she is "weak." The story is criticized. Never mind the fact that plenty of stories with male protagonists focus on getting the girl. It is human to want companionship and to value romance.

At this point in my life, I just ignore everything that I know is nonsense. Mainstream feminism is nonsense. I do what I want and like what I want and anybody that thinks less of me for it can go ahead and think whatever they want. It annoys me here and there, but mostly I try to ignore mainstream messaging.

[–]WhisperTRP Founder4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t want to be the hot pink man with a pretty dress on.


Feminism seems to have the self-contradictory goal of hating men while coveting masculinity.

I would recommend keeping some perspective. While femininity is loudly criticized by women who lack it, it is quietly appreciated by men everywhere. If you treat most modern men with a touch of simple feminine empathy, warmth, and compassion, they will think the world of you.

I would also recommend choosing who you associate with. Keep company with those who appreciate feminine virtue, not those who wish to stamp it out. You will always be exposed to a certain amount of static from film and television, but how much do you really care what Hollywood thinks, compared to what your friends think?

Lastly, remember that people's opinion of you is only as valuable as their understanding of you. The poor opinions of strangers who have never met you and have no idea what you are about... these are worthless.

[–]organicsunshine3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Get new friends or move when you can. Know this is the narrative, not the truth. Stay strong and headstrong. Maintain your innocence and girlhood as long as possible. Do not let social pressure infect you.

[–]BubblegumBunnie[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Were you in a similar situation?

[–]organicsunshine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have learned from life. Those women telling you that will be singing a different song in 10 years when they are unhappy and do not know why.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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