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How do you stay hopeful about dating when hearing story after story of cheating, emotional abuse, violence, stealthing, pathological lying, and porn addiction among many things experienced by women, as a woman?

July 22, 2020
101 upvotes

I’m not even looking for these occurrences and stories, they’re just out there and all around. Even in my group of trad church friends, story after story of being treated like shit for no reason. It’s even happened in my own life although I’ve had the confidence and wherewithal to exit as soon as I’ve seen the behaviour. There’s a serious crisis in how people treat one other these days. Just no sense, no empathy, warped ideals. It’s overwhelming sometimes. It’s not hard to be a good person.

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Post Information
Title How do you stay hopeful about dating when hearing story after story of cheating, emotional abuse, violence, stealthing, pathological lying, and porn addiction among many things experienced by women, as a woman?
Author shadesofperriwinkle
Upvotes 101
Comments 38
Date July 22, 2020 12:56 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-you-stay-hopeful-about-dating-when-hearing.716458
https://theredarchive.com/post/716458
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/hvjwum/how_do_you_stay_hopeful_about_dating_when_hearing/
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Comments

[–]PR0N0IA124 points125 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Back when I was dating I knew good men existed because I grew up with great examples in my life. I didn’t settle.

My mom survived an aneurism when I was in elementary school that left her paralyzed and unable to speak. Doctors said she’d never recover any function and wanted to put her in a nursing home for the rest of her life. My dad saw she was fighting and put everything he had towards getting her the rehab she needed. She spent 1 year in the hospital, 1 year in an in patient rehab facility and 2 years outpatient daily therapy. She can drive with vehicle modifications, hold a conversation (still has some speaking difficulties), and walk with a leg brace. My dad takes care her— he does most of the chores on top of financially supporting the family & being a good dad to us.

My dad stayed up all night with me to help me write a research paper for school when I was 15. He’s helped me with countless pieces of homework — including in college. He paid for my college so I have no student debt by taking on an additional job as an adjunct college professor (he’s an expert in his field). I can call my dad any day or night and he’d be there for me. My dad coached my soccer team when I was a kid (he stopped coaching after my mom had an aneurysm but went to almost every single game until I quit playing). He volunteers to help encourage disadvantaged kids get interested in STEM & volunteers at a soup kitchen once a month. He also has periodically taught Sunday school over the years.

I’m now happily married to a wonderful man— who I could go into great detail about but this post is probably already too long!

[–]icanbingsu43 points44 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow. Your dad took all those challenges and aced them.

[–]cast-away-ramadi0634 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And I'm sure you had the right standards for your husband while you were dating. The real kicker is you knew what was important in selecting a man because you had a good role model.

It's not enough to have high standards, you also have to have the right standards.

There are a lot of crappy people out there - you need to vet them. This is true not only for marriage but also friends and colleagues.

[–]doingbetter9010 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This was a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing ❤️

[–]HappilyMrs7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your dad sounds amazing!

[–]NingIsHere0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

your dad are so nice guy, i wish i could have a bf like this in the future, your mom are so lucky as well !!

Wish there are many guy of this kind left on the world

[–]lilastr77 points78 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Remember that people don’t tend to tell happy stories and strive on tragic stories.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]lilastr16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, There are a lot of couples that raised legacy and died together as well as there are tragic couples, but only couples that divorce-raped each other or cheated get to the news.

[–][deleted] 38 points39 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Seek out mentors in healthy relationships. They're out there. Many of them are here. My husband is my best friend and my favorite person in the whole world. We met online after talking for a week and we've been together five years, married for three.

[–]LettingHimLead20 points21 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

We’re here! Together 21 years this year. Married 18. We’ve been together since high school. My husband is far from perfect, just like me, but I know who he is. Our kids and myself are the reason he gets up every day and busts his butt. He’s honest to a fault. He picks me every day. Good men are everywhere. It’s all about learning how to read a person to see who is a good fit and who isn’t.

[–]fairydust911 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's so sweet ❤️ Hopefully when we get to 21 years we will be just as happy. All the best to you both.

[–]Astraeus919516 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The people in good stable relationships don't go out of their way posting about it and talking about it. They have better things to do.

Other people don't even talk about people in good relationships and their relationship happenings. As people, we're kind of drawn to trainwrecks. We like to talk a good deal about things going wrong.

[–]CowWhale121320 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just like the news, its not worth reporting the good stuff... No one really wants to hear it. No ones going to go on and on about how good their partners are either. There are good relationships out there though! You just got to find someone who's willing to work for it as much as you would. One thing I learned from my partner is to NOT marry someone expecting that they would change something you dont like. (Example: let's say you dont like them smoking, dont expect them to quit for you, they have to do it for themselves, and if they dont plan on it, you have to be ok with it.) If you stay with them expecting them to change something they dknt care to change, you'll be left disappointed. And another thing, dont go out looking for a partner! I found that the desperate ones are the ones finding these buffoons. Use your time being single trying to advance yourself in your career or anything else. Being in a relationship kind of prevents you to a certain extent to do things for yourself. This is your time to focus on yourself! Dont stress yourself over a relationship, especially if you arent in one. Being in a relationship is not supposed to be stressful (not that much atleast).

[–]Rock_Granite14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It seems to be a badge of "honor" to brag about being mistreated in relationships. It's like a woe is me thing. But in reality there are scads of normal people out there.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it just demonstrates how important vetting is. And I disagree about it being easy to be a good person. Sure, it's easy when there's no cost to it, but real virtue stays strong even in the worst of temptations and struggles. That's when you really see a man's character.

[–]TranslatedSky1 Star5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Honestly, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. At the start of the year I posted about being stranded on an island overseas with no way home, after leaving my then boyfriend who I found out through his slip-up had cheated. It was my second time experiencing this, and I had already spent a lot of effort fixing myself.

In a distressed haze, I made a post afterwards about whether there existed men who didn’t cheat, even though I knew the answer I needed reassurance. Lots of men and women answered - I left that post up as embarrassing as it is, as a reassurance to whoever may need it. In particular, it’s impossible to know who may cheat and all boils down to values.

How do you keep a sense of hope? It’s really easy, after my experiences, to hate, fear, and hide behind “trust issues”. This is especially so when I experience the same as you - good girls around me, including my younger sibling whom I love so much, telling me the same story about being cheated on. It hurts and drains me. On top of that, I worry if the baggage will pile up and if I become increasingly unlovable.

I’m learning that it’s easy to have a sense of hope, when you have a strong sense of self and assurance. This sense only comes by working on yourself, knowing your values, and having confidence in most areas in your life, including people around you whom you have a healthy relationship with. This can be family, friends, mentors. When I look around me, I remember that I’m capable of having long-term healthy, trusting relationships, where I can give love. These strong relationships, coupled with the knowledge I’d been in a healthy LTR with a man who didn’t cheat before, is what helps me draw strong boundaries and leave (like in the island case, as soon as I found out he’d cheated).

Moving forward, I’ve been invited out by men, but am taking it slow. The most important part for me, is to remember to be what I call “progressively vulnerable”. To show my heart, to give trust when warranted, but slowly because the only true way you can vet is with time. It rarely matters, what a man says or does (as I learnt even with extreme big gestures), unless he is still there by year’s end. It is a beautiful thing to be courted that only comes with the privilege of being a woman, so enjoy that and live in the present moment.

How do you stay hopeful? You love yourself, you love life, and you’re willing to be vulnerable/put yourself at risk. It’s impossible to control what happens outside of that, and trying to may lead you to the wrong men. Narcissicists and sociopaths for example, can sniff out such weaknesses, which is what happened to me. You may look at all your friends, and while you can learn from their experiences, it is near impossible to prevent or have a perfect vetting system. Lows and disappointments are inevitable, you must be confident in your abilities to deal with them, to learn, and not let them fester into hate. You can only surrender, as Lauren Doyle says, love yourself and have strong boundaries.

[–]recrudescences1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All men aren’t equal.

[–]icanbingsu1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Getting hurt is inevitable but if you have your priorities and limits set, you’ll brush the loses off. Learn from the good examples in this and other threads and screen each potential partner. Figure out what you want but leave a little wiggle room.

[–]jakethegreatwhite2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because there are good people and bad people, you need to cherish the good and cut the bad. Life is too short to be with toxic people

[–]tolstushki7012 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You are one lucky person to have the best dad and a real man in your house.

[–]DunboyCastleInTheSky1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The same way I heard about people not graduating from high school and college because it was too hard, yet did both. The same way I heard stories about people trapped in poverty yet got out. Just because it’s happening to some peoppe, doesn’t mean it’ll happen to me.

edit: Also I don’t put up with mistreatment and watch for the signs of craziness.

[–]WhatIsThisAccountFor3 Star0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do you think the stories of the happy and peaceful couples make the news or internet like the tragic ones do? They don’t because it’s more fun to watch drama than peace.

There are tons of happy, peaceful, successful couples that you never hear about because it’s not entertaining to hear about them. Be picky with who you commit to and you’ll see good results.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t/didn’t stay hopeful about dating. I actually realised I’m an Aro Ace who has given up on men as a whole (lifetime of domestic violence, assault, etc).

[–]gosamadhi0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Form and maintain strong boundaries

[–][deleted]  (13 children) | Copy Link

[removed]

[–][deleted]  (12 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Don't worry.. That was clear.

[–][deleted]  (10 children) | Copy Link

[removed]

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]HappilyMrs3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Be patient, a man will be along to tell you exactly everything about your life and lived experiences from his position as Expert Of Women ;)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Men are so patronizing. See? We can make offensive generalizations too! What fun!

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

By stating that you don't understand the point of the OP, you've demonstrated that you don't understand how to communicate with women sufficiently to be commenting here. Please refocus your efforts to the men's subs.

[–]KevinGerardo-3 points-2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I didn’t understand because she seemed like all she thinks about relationships is bad but then she comes and say that it’s no like that, so, please make a little bit of sense.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

TRP was created to help men understand women. If you aren't posting there then you aren't allowed to be posting here.

[–]KevinGerardo-4 points-3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

And I suppose that RPW was created to help women deal with men so here’s my advice: learn to lose, or at least to accept that you are wrong. It’s so tiring arguing with you, you always make up anything just to avoid looking like fools but even though, you look like it.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh dear. You really aren't meant to be here.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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