All my life Ive been around men who blow up when they get fusterated. My dad was a computer programmer and would slam his fists on the desk and scream cuss words when his code wouldn't work.
My kids dad was 350 lbs and i was with him from 14 to 26 years old. When my twins were born he would get up and scream at me in the middle of the night and he punched several holes in the walls. He would rip out his hair, threaten suicide and the final straw was when he threw my little boy into a chair.
My next relationship i got a very abusive and unfortunately half retarded man who at one point beat me unconscious after holding me down with a knife to my throat for buying the wrong type of cat food. He did a lot more but i dont really want to remember all of it right now.
After he went to prison i was on my own at 30 years old for the first time in my life.
I thought long and hard about the people I was letting into my life and how my upbringing played a role. I spent the next 2 years with a therapist at a domestic violence center working through everything. It was hard. But after a while I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. While I was there I took a class called NoJerks. It was about women who are mostly past the trauma and are looking to date again. Its kind of reprogramming what your "normal" should be.
This class was the first introduction I had to red and green flags. I had never really had the opportunity to step back and make a list of what i wanted from a partner and learn what small things would make a big difference early in a relationship. The more I learned the more I realized that I sought out really bad qualities in men.
I also came across this sub one day and read the sidebar. I read all about vetting and what women should expect from a relationship. How to even get a relationship (i was putting out way too early) i learned how to dress and make myself a better catch to get a better guy. I think a really big confidence booster was learning that guys will date down. I know that can sound bad but i had really low self worth at that point and it was enough for me to be like ok you can do this aim high dont settle for a loser. Take your time vet. Dont get stuck in another bad relationship. But of course make yourself datable. I enrolled in sone college classes to work towards a chemical engineering degree and hit the gym. I started fixing up my house and with it the holes in the walls. This all really gave me a lot more confidence to turn people down and shoot higher.
When I was ready I took a ton of time vetting. I honestly looked through 30,000 dating profiles. I read everything there is to read about finding a good quality guy. I never gave up. I told myself that not all guys are like my dad.
One day i came across a dating profile that just hit every single qualification I had. I talked to him a while before we met up. When I first met him it was hard for me to say i wanted to wait and that I expected to be in a relationship before doing anything. Then he told me that he needed more time to decide if i would work out. So I said me too. I need to see if you are what I want too. But we both agreed we thought it would work out. He seemed to have a lot of respect for me from that. I asked him the following week and he said yes. We have been together 2 years now.
I have been really happy the last 2 years. I have to say it felt really fake at first. I tried to follow this subs advice and try the stfu method. And to trust his lead. And it worked. But the secret to all of that is to find a man who can be trusted and is a good leader all on his own. That is why it is so important to have a hands off approach. So you can observe how he navigates his life. How he handles when things go sideways.
My bf is in medical school. He is extremely intelligent and he is interesting. (Im a science nerd) he is reliable and very goal oriented. He is extremely even tempered. He takes great care of me and is very hands off-doesn't ask me who im talking too where im going etc. Which at 35 Im a grown up and do not want to feel monitored! He has a healthy relationship with his family and his friends are doing things like becoming surgeons and going to Harvard and Yale. In the last 2 years I have never seen him make a mistake or stutter he never even goes to bed past 9pm. He it the type of person who will be faithful and provide a good life for me. He is a really nice person.
So this is where I get to my long winded point. This week is his last week of medical school. He is taking 40 units and has 6 finals this week. Needless to say he has been going 48 and 36 hours without sleeping, has barely ate is studying in 24 hour blocks. He is pretty disheveled, he hasn't exactly combed his hair. This could be a time where someone loses their shit.
Yesterday I dropped off some food for him. And he was kinda having a little melt down. ---he quietly said the f word once or twice rubbed his eyes, said thank you for the food and that he appreciates all my help.
And that was it. Thats the end of the story. No broken bones no smashed furniture no neighbor calling the police no knife to my throat.
Thank you I really appreciate your help.
Im so happy I have cried a couple of times the last day. I am finally safe and in good hands. I love him so much for everything he is, and everything he is not.