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How much control did you relinquish?

April 25, 2017

Question for married women:

How much control did you relinquish and progressing your relationship into a marriage proposal?

We all know we can't force marriage and the man should be the one to make the decision, but how much did you let go and how long did you wait? Did you ever have hypergamous thoughts if you thought you were waiting too long?

Did you ever give an ultimatum? (eg. If he doesn't propose by end of the year, I'm going to find someone new)

If you did wait a long time (let's say more than 2-3 years of dating), what made you stay and continue investing in the relationship if you knew you were still waiting?

Those that did leave "prematurely," why couldn't you wait?

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Post Information
Title How much control did you relinquish?
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 8
Comments 39
Date April 25, 2017 8:12 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
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[–]azngirl768918 points19 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

If you want to speed up the proposal do Mr.Bee's three step plan. You can find it on weddingbee. Tell me if it's manipulative but I found it to be useful. Sort of like showing that you have value and presenting yourself as a woman who has things going for her.

[–]PM_YOUR_PLANTS10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]isabeavis4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I honestly wish I had seen that advice 10 years ago.

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is amazing!! This should be linked constantly in rpw

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor11 points12 points  (18 children) | Copy Link

This is where religious people have a huge advantage. Before you ever start dating it's known that both parties want marriage. There are clear guidelines of what's acceptable and what's not. It spares people from dating for 3 years only to find out s/he has a completely different view on marriage/children.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There's also the type of man who does eventually want to get married, but will stay in a relationship for the time being because he's getting benefits but he's not really wanting to marry that specific girl. Then it's up the the girl to make the move to leave.

Happened to my roommate, she dated a guy she really wanted to marry, but he was just enjoying his life (he was late 20's). After four years she realized he was perfectly happy to continue to date her but she wasn't "the one" for him. He had apparently talked about marriage but he never specified it would be with her.

It's sad how a lot of women will fall into this trap. Men can waste more time but women can't.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Of course.

Generalizations are generalizations because they're true generally speaking even though they may not be true in specific situations.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

It's also where online dating has an advantage. You literally know before you meet.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor7 points8 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Very true.

I personally think that the major things should always be discussed early on. This way, if there are deal-breakers, we only spent a few days with each other and we move on. When we date for 3 years only to find out that we're incompatible because of XYZ, it's that much more frustrating.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

By the time I was dating, online dating had become ubiquitous. If you were done with college and didn't have an active role in a contemporary church, you had no other outlet. People in bars were pretty solely looking for a one-night stand. It had it's downsides, but I honestly always felt they were outweighed by the time saved. Sure, I met more guys who lived "at home," but only because I came into contact with more guys in general... and was able to ask from the first conversation what his job and living situation looked like. It was always nice to date in a climate where everyone expected to cover the vitals before even meeting.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'm only 4 years older than you but I guess in the rapid development of technology of a decade ago - that's a very long time.

My aunt set us up. We took it from there. I still think this is the best way to meet. We each researched the other and called references before ever meeting for the first time. Saves time, money and energy.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It also just depends on when you were dating. I was dating from 2012-2015.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very true. My wife and I dated and married over 10 years ago. My first date (with a different woman) was in '05.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I agree. I like online dating for this reason, there's so many people out there that you wouldn't meet otherwise. I never met anyone creepy or weird, all the guys were sort of workaholics, had hobbies that didn't involve girls, and weren't heavy drinkers so not involved in the bar scene.

I also know I do well with engineer personality types, so that's sometimes I look for when I was dating. My boyfriend likes artistic women, it's also something he looks for. For him he was so busy working that he also couldn't waste so much time and money courting a ton of women anyway.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, my guy was in oil and lived an hour away, in a small town. We'd have never met without online dating.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

this. absolutely: THIS.

i would add that this is why sites like jdate/muslima/christian mingle probably far outpace in terms of actual marriages - they blend the religious components with the utility of online dating services.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

That's probably true as well (although I don't know the stats on any of the sites).

Both the sites you mentioned are of the same religion :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

because they're the sites with which i am familiar; i assume there are similar sites for other faiths? we can't be the only religious group taking advantage of online matchmaking. :)

that said, i think your comment [above, re: calling references and meeting through your aunt] described what is very likely the most robust vetting process.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

For sure. I'm just saying that you're giving away which religion you may be a part of. If you're okay with that, wonderful!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

normally: nothing to hide here.

but. the world's an odd place.

so fair point and much obliged to you, sir. i'll blame the lack of adequate coffee and duly edit.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

No worries. I just toasted a lechayim on my coffee in your honor :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

which only further cements your mensch status!

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And will cause Bobbe to really kvel!

[–]crownoffeathers6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You should know his plan and be a part of his plans. Does he want to live together first, date for 3 years, buy a house before marriage, get that promotion at work?

I could never live with "maybe some day".

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

First and foremost (and I've said this here many times before) I was adamant that I would never move in with a guy before we were engaged and the wedding date set. I made this clear to my husband when we were 6 months into the relationship and he asked me to move in with him. Many of my friends spent years playing house and then getting the "marriage is a piece of paper speech"; no effing way was that happening to me.

Second, if a guy is super into you and wants marriage and children, you won't have to force anything! When were dating, my husband would talk hypothetically about where we might want to live, what our kids might be like, etc. I never felt anxious about bringing up the future with him, because he was thinking about it, too. If you're dating someone seriously who avoids those subjects like the plague or gives you some platitude such as "I like to take things day by day", take it as a red flag.

Also, I would never give a guy an ultimatum, but I knew for damn sure how much time I was willing to spend in a relationship before cutting my losses. In my case (based on my age and how long we knew each other as friends before dating) I thought that 2 years was reasonable. He proposed on our 1 year anniversary, and it was such a joyful surprise!

[–]cynicalhousewife points points [recovered] | Copy Link

Luckily it never got to that. Our relationship progressed very quickly. I became pregnant soon after we met. Both of us are very direct people who don't like to waste time. He had been wanting a family and a wife for years and this was the first thing he actually told me in our online message exchange. I was actually impressed by the fact that he had the confidence to tell me that before even meeting me and he was so sure about what we wanted. We met up and instantly liked each other enough to make future plans. We saw each other a few times that week and after that we moved in together and I haven't really been away from him since.

[–]azngirl76898 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

👍🏼I always say I won't be a wife to a boyfriend. He wants the wife experience, he needs to propose.

[–]isabeavis4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I gave an ultimatum.

I had left a very good job to move with him overseas for his job (after living together for a year); my expectations were that he would propose soon afterwards. He didn't (probably because I kept crying about it).

I was offered a better job back home, and I told him to decide because I was no longer playing house without some sort of security and commitment. He proposed.

I wish I had followed the advice in the link below and just enjoyed not working and made improvements for myself in those days. I did after all, CHOSE to leave my job to follow him. If I was uncomfortable with him supporting me without us having a bigger commitment, it was my responsibility to not leave my job and stick to my convictions.

To answer your other question, we were married three years after we started dating and we were 28 & 30 years old.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

We knew we both wanted marriage and kids, because we met online and those things were spelled out before we even met. We've always been so direct that we just started talking hypotheticals at about 8 months. Then after a year or so of dating, maybe 16 months total, I just asked what his timeline was. It never threatened him, but we're also 29 and 32 now and knew that dragging things out wasn't an option for either of us.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

When's your date, if you don't mind my asking? My anniversary is in May as well. :-)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

May 6th! 5-6-17.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Wow, that's coming up so soon! Congratulations!! Mine is May 17.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes, and it is sadly on the same day as Free Comic Book Day, at the library, which I've done all the planning for myself and now can't attend. Lol. Congrats! How long?!?

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Going on 4 years now!

Our date was the screening of the original Godzilla movie at our local theater, so I feel your nerd pain! :-)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha. Fortunately, the library is having a staff screening of The Guardians of the Galaxy Part 2 the next day! Happy anniversary!

[–]pennynotrcutt1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I graduated college, and he hadn't proposed yet. I had an internship in a far away state for the summer to finish up my last few credits and they offered me a permanent position. I told him that there was nothing really tying me down to our city and that I was really considering it. It wasn't an ultimatum, per se, but it was definitely a step up or I'm gone type of thing. We did date for 3 years prior but that's only because I was still in college and my Dad would have never allowed me to get married until I finished school.

[–]Landry860 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

It's not a very good sign if you're asking this

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not for me silly dear! Just out of curiosity.

[–]Landry860 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh okay good lol

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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