How should I handle my insecurities about my husband being unattracted to me?

mado55 · 2019-06-08T03:12:17+00:00

It's not terribly respectful of him to be pointing out sexy ladies on the beach to you. In fact, it's pretty rude. It's important for you to always work on bettering yourself and improving your health and fixing self esteem issues, but it's also important for him to be respectful towards you.

teaandtalk · 2019-06-08T02:02:58+00:00

Have you told him how it makes you feel when he does that? Not "Reassure me I'm attractive" but "gosh, when you say that I feel vulnerable and sad."

Kara__El · 2019-06-08T04:18:32+00:00

I think he knew what he was doing. That's simply a shitty thing for him to say. He made the choice to compliment your clothes instead of your body, literally right after complimenting another woman's body.

Huffnagle · 2019-06-08T02:42:57+00:00

So... No one has addressed the elephant in the room (pun intended).

You called yourself “reasonably attractive”. Are you overweight? Many (most?) men will be much less attracted to an overweight woman.

If you’re overweight, fix it. No excuses, no bullshit.

[deleted] · 2019-06-08T07:20:25+00:00

My last relationship was like this. He eventually refused to have sex with me because I wasn’t attractive enough. I was “too skinny” and had “the body of a child”.

I tried so hard to look like the women he was attracted to - but the harder I tried, the more unattractive I became to him. He told me I was a turn off and refused to touch me.

I was completely miserable in that relationship and it’s destroyed my self confidence today.

He would tell me I was too old, would pull at my face, tell me I dress poorly, my vagina was ugly, etc. He would constantly put me down and gawk at other women in public.

I found out he was cheating on me our entire relationship. He was having sex with multiple other women a week. He would sneak out of our home in the middle of the night to have sex with other women.

When we broke up, I blamed myself for not trying hard enough to be attractive for him. I put myself in therapy and I was able to eat properly again because I didn’t have someone putting me down every day and causing me stress.

But a funny thing happened. I saw him a year later when I had put on some weight and he said “Ew, you’re huge”, and “look how big your arms are”. There is nothing wrong with my arms. They are muscular now because I work out every day. I will never be “good enough” in his eyes because he’s a terrible man. No quality man would ever talk to a woman this way. He’s a superficial loser and I doubt he will ever be happy with any woman.

I still have self confidence issues from that relationship. I’m still unsure whether I’m good enough for any man.

But I still get loads of attention - I get men in the street asking for my number weekly - so I can’t be that bad.

Bottom line is - this is abusive behaviour. I chose poorly. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Look at quality men like Hugh Jackman and Pierce Brosnan and then look at their wives. They are not typical young model types, but their husbands adore them.

This is not /r/relationships so I’m not going to tell you to break up with him, but I think this is serious and it will affect your mental health in the long run. Really have a think about if you want to spend the rest of your life in a sexless relationship, because I couldn’t do it. It was complete misery.

[deleted] · 2019-06-08T15:20:11+00:00

This story made me really upset. I think the problem is that somewhere along your relationship, you both agreed to disrespect one another by pointing out attractive people to each other. This is a sign of disrespect. Of course, it is unrealistic to expect your partner to never find anyone else attractive but you, and vice versa, but like someone else here said-- these thoughts should be kept in his (and your) head and should never be voiced. This is the same rationale that overly feminist people have-- they think everything is fair game because they're sooo "cool" and "open minded." It's not. It's tacky and disrespectful. My SO makes it a point that, when he is commenting something positive about another woman (he never says anything negative about a woman no matter what) it is usually geared towards a personality trait, like "oh, she's really funny" or "what she said was very insightful" instead of her physical appearance. And I do the same. I'm a huge fan of watching beauty pageants like Miss Universe, and we often watch it together, so in instances like that I'm ok with him saying who his favorites are. But again, he doesn't go off about WHY he likes them, and I appreciate that because it's a sign he respects me. And when I say "oh I agree, I loved Miss USA too! She's beautiful and smart" he will immediately tell me how beautiful and smart I also am. I have zero insecurities now, and it's because i know my partner finds me desirable.

TL;DR: every single woman on this planet wants to feel desired and sexy by their SO. And nothing is ruder and more disrespectful than pointing out other attractive people in front of your spouse.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2019-06-08T04:28:00+00:00

I think you say “ouch” when he says something that hurts you. His comments were genuinely disrespectful and he can learn to be more respectful if you show genuine vulnerability.

I think you are on the right track with the therapy for yourself. It might also be hard to get your sex life where you want to be if you can’t feel vulnerable around him. So try working on both at the same time and be patient!

immaculacy · 2019-06-08T05:09:28+00:00

I wouldn't call it insecurities. No woman wants her husband attracted to other women. That's just normal. It doesn't matter how confident/secure you are, you still don't want your husband doing that. Maybe he's trying to tell you he wants you to look better though. Maybe he was trying to make you jealous? You should talk to him about it and ask what changes he would like. Wear flattering clothes as much as possible, even when lounging at home. Take every area of your body, face, and hair and think how you could make it better. There's always things you can do, and it will make you feel better.

alphatruth · 2019-06-08T02:48:15+00:00

Fall in love with exercising, healthy eating habits, and overall making yourself more attractive.

twelwesw · 2019-06-08T12:52:41+00:00

If your relationship with your husband is mostly based on superficial attraction or carnal desire is the founding principle, its very faulty to begin with. Respect your husband, enjoy his manliness and show him you want to take care of him. Your relationship with him should be about him, if you do this he will not only respect you and enjoy your womanhood, he will become dependent on your love and you will feel the joy of giving him your love. You will become the source of power he draws his strength from in his life, but if you try to overpower him or make him serve you, you will lose this feminine power and he will shut down and eventually shut you out. Women are the power (shakti) behind their men: Man is the machine, woman is the electricity. Women with inflated ego's always respond negatively to this description, because they think woman's relationship with a man is all about the woman -that men should dance around the woman- because modern society tells them to think this way, that's also why modern women have no power to give to men and men are gradually abandoning them.

RoxyGiggles · 2019-06-09T13:54:57+00:00

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments and thought-provoking discussions. I received immense value from reading your content.

My takeaways are:

Pointing out good-looking people to each other is unhealthy and this behavior should be nipped in the bud.
As an analog to the "Go lift" mantra of TRP, "Lose weight" solves more relationship issues than we'd like to admit. This applies to my situation as well. I might not be overweight in medical terms, but I'm definitely not my best self.
I should work on my confidence, both by actually becoming more attractive and irregardless of that.

aussiedollface2 · 2019-06-09T22:36:07+00:00

Maybe I’m old fashioned but I don’t feel that commenting on the sexiness of bikini-clad women is appropriate or respectful! Especially as he then chose to comment on your bikini rather than your sexiness. Boundaries girl! xo

BanProLeagueSiege · 2019-06-08T06:33:49+00:00

You talk reasonably. Do a soul search to see if its yourself. Then ask for a third party opinion, not a friend who would bullshit you though. If you lack a plank in your eye, look for his by bringing him to counseling with a pastor, therapist, or quality mediator who is invested in your relationship and values what you do. You picking at his plank or mote of dust will only exacerbate problems as he will perceive this as an attack against his character and self worth. Your direct involvement will only work in 2 scenarios: he is the type that likes constructive criticism and/or your relationship is at the breaking point.

light-----------dark · 2019-06-08T02:46:59+00:00

It may not be you at all. In fact, it may be him.

I just finished reading “The Way of the Superior Man” by David Deida, and he puts a lot of emphasis on the necessary polarity between the masculine and feminine for a fulfilled relationship (including mutual attraction).

A majority of men often times lose their sense of purpose, and therefore lose the masculine drive within their relationship that fuels attraction and polarity that should otherwise already exist, which is debatably more necessary in a long term relationship where the honeymoon phase is less likely to exist.

A few questions come to mind that might be worth exploring:

Are you wholly expressing your feminine energy and holding space for his masculine energy to play and fill you with love?
Does it seem like your husband has lost his sense of purpose? If so, how can you hold space with your feminine power to re-inspire his purpose? This dynamic may create a space that fulfills him, and ultimately arouses his desire to pour his love into you.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-06-10T16:41:34+00:00

Your post is contradictory:

I'm a 31 year old reasonably attractive woman

versus

my husband being unattracted to me

Which is it? Are you reasonably attractive, or are you unattractive? Are you insecure about your appearance, or secure in the fact that you are reasonably attractive? You can't have it both ways. Specifically, you sound like a woman who is on the decline looks-wise and you're trying to a) convince yourself that you're still attractive, and b) convince yourself that if you're unattractive, it's your husband's fault and not yours.

This isn't productive and it certainly isn't RP. He wasn't kind in that moment but he also wasn't mean. He looked for something to compliment and did so. Note that what you did to him was a SHIT TEST. And while he didn't totally fail it, he got a D minus.

The failure in this equation is you not sorting out how you feel about your looks, and about your desirability in general (which is NOT wholly looks-dependent). Why do you have value to your husband? Why does he want to be with you, and not the red-bikini bimbo he pointed out? Get your head on straight, because having any animosity towards him for his response is unhelpful at best.

Also, for those who criticize him pointing out the young hottie, please note that both of them do it, for attractive people of both genders. This post isn't about the hottie. It would be better titled, "I am unsure about my attractiveness post-wall and need reassurance."

your_cat_is_ugly_ · 2019-06-11T18:43:13+00:00

The thing with men is that they like what they are not getting. He gets to have sex with you all the time, that lady on the beach has never had sex with him so she's new and interesting.

I think you should tell him that after further reflection that you don't feel comfortable with these conversations anymore and for him to be aware of your feelings.

loneliness-inc · 2019-06-14T02:27:59+00:00

Redpills are hard to swallow. They're pills of bitter truth. Here comes a redpill.

I asked him to reassure me I'm attractive to him too. He answered, "your swimsuit is nice".

There's nothing he could have said or not said that would have made you feel better in that moment. Even if he gushed over your extreme beauty with his dick springing into a solid erection pointed straight at you, it still wouldn't have made you feel better because your request came from a place of insecurity which is a deficit within yourself. A deficit made of quicksand.

This is what we call a shit test. There's no good or correct answer.

But your feelings are still present and need to be dealt with. As the owner of your feelings, you're the one responsible for righting this wrong. Then, when you have your feelings sorted out, you can make a specific request of him. Requesting he make you feel a certain way is guaranteed to disappoint.

RoxyGiggles · 2019-06-08T14:26:52+00:00

I really want to write something up, but I'm pressed for time, so bullet points:

He just went from looking at some size 0 nothing in a red bathing suit probably bouncing around and happy to looking at his size 8 wife who lacks confidence and sounds unsure of herself. Of course he's going to look at her. (I struggle with confidence too!) I'm not excusing his behavior, but you're my audience, not him.
Girl. Work on your confidence.
You're a size 8. Not bad, but I'm sure you'd feel much more attractive if you were a size 4 or 2. Why not get angry at those feelings and comments and take it all out on some heavy stuff in the gym? You're gonna get your anger out, and bonus! Your attractiveness will increase.
"Reasonably Attractive" means that attractiveness is debatable, and one of the core tenets of RPW is that you can't negotiate attraction. In other words, reasonably attractive actually means "If I were talking in public about it, of course, I would absolutely say she's attractive because I should say she's attractive, but if it were just me and my thoughts I'd say she's not."
Asking him to validate your attractiveness is codependent behavior. Stop that. It's like using a band-aid with Swiss cheese size holes to stop bleeding. Take steps to develop self reliance. You both will be much happier.
I think you could have handled the situation with the girl in the red bathing suit better than you did. I have a post about fighting the forbidden fruit with honey that you might find some takeaways from, but it's also hard because you are in a situation where you don't feel like you are providing value to him and that puts you in an especially vulnerable position. It might be a good idea to try and think about what value you add to his life regularly and remind yourself that you are doing what you can with what you have.
Any time you catch yourself having that negative spin cycle and have the urge to seek validation, take a deep breath and find something to disrupt that cycle. You mentioned that you're seeing a therapist. They can help you with this.
You're going through a tough time with your husband and I'm not sure what those problems are. Understand things don't happen overnight, it takes a lot of time, hard work, and patience. Good luck with everything.

Anthony1881 · 2019-06-08T02:56:39+00:00

How about gyow, taking care of yourself, get a hobby, go out with friends and stop making him responsible for your happiness...

DigitalFam · 2019-06-08T05:30:13+00:00

Could he possibly have a porn addiction?

Akashe88 · 2019-06-13T11:29:33+00:00

Although studies show that women's attractiveness in the eyes of men decline at the age of 20, I'm sure you are quite beautiful, but most of us men are hardcoded to seek out something new. So the problem is probably you two being together for too long, and not that fact that you are not beautiful.

I'm not sure how other men think about this, but I think asking for reassurrance may look a bit petty / pathetic. I would personally prefer an adult conversation about it, rather than the occasional beg for complaints.

dreamsynth · 2019-06-18T11:02:01+00:00

" We point out attractive people to one another occasionally, men too ". Stop that for a number of reasons.

1) It is something you can do with your girl friends. He is not a girl friend

2) If he does it, it is disrespectful.

3) It will create a negative spiral because over time you will piece together all the features of all the women he pointed out and create an uber-woman in your head that you will compare yourself to

There just is no point to knowing what he finds attractive. He is committed to you and that's the last word.

To be honest, if my girlfriend was pointing out other guys to me that she found attractive I would think she wasn't so serious about us or she might cheat. Once the sex declines, and it sounds like it is already, it's possible there's too little glue keeping us together. Why would I commit to you with little sex happening?

GreatMenderTeapill · 2019-06-08T14:04:06+00:00

I'm curious. Is it a possibility that he was commenting on her bikini and not her in the first place? That he was thinking he could like it on you?

TheresNoAvoidingIt · 2019-06-09T10:28:32+00:00

You have to be a hoe. Try to see things from the male perspective. I remember the great comedian Patrice O'neal had a woman call him up on the Black Phillip show and asked the same question. He advised her to go into the kitchen while her husband was reading a newspaper or something, and then pissing on the floor before going to wash the dishes and acting like nothing happened. I'll try to find the audio clip.

The idea is to be so fucking filthy that he'll be compelled to fuck you. You can't reverse time, so the only option is just to be a dirty hoe or try to find out what he's missing in terms of sexual satisfaction. Maybe he wants anal or some other type of other shit. Be open and work with him so that you both can enjoy it.

Title	How should I handle my insecurities about my husband being unattracted to me?
Author	RoxyGiggles
Upvotes	90
Comments	92
Date	June 8, 2019 2:00 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/by2rey/how_should_i_handle_my_insecurities_about_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-should-i-handle-my-insecurities-about-my.241120 https://theredarchive.com/post/241120