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How to be irreplaceable aka bring value

October 3, 2019

I’d like opinion from men in general and also from women who are in relationships.

I always thought that being pretty and having a nice personality was all that I needed to find someone. I’m 27 now and I realized while reading this subreddit that it’s not enough. I realize that men have so much choice if we’re talking about beauty, everyday I see gorgeous women and younger also. I’d like to know how to stand out in the crowd. How to truly be irreplaceable to a man without being a doormat. How can I show my worth on those first dates ?

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Post Information
Title How to be irreplaceable aka bring value
Author mairymb
Upvotes 131
Comments 188
Date October 3, 2019 6:35 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]redditisplatinum43 points44 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Loyalty keeps a relationship together. It cannot be replaced. No matter how some other girl is more beautiful than you, if you’re loyal to him, he can’t replace you with some other beautiful girl. He might have a crush on her, but he knows deep inside that loyalty is important. The girl he has a crush on cannot stay with him long enough. Crush is temporary. Loyalty is permanent.

[–]mairymb5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Good point, but how do you show loyalty? Is it as simple as not cheating on him?

[–]la_scozzese25 points26 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

When he has problems, dark times, when everyone else seems to abandon him... stick by him, don’t criticize him, give him advice only when asked and don’t get offended if he doesn’t follow it.

Stand up for him when others criticize him.

Don’t belittle him in public. In private, offer only gentle advice, without ever trying to change who he is as a person.

Make sure he knows he is appreciated and that you are attracted to him.

Make sure he knows you are proud to be by his side no matter what.

Make sure you bring as much to the table as you can.

I’m far from being perfect, but this is what I try to live by... and so far it’s been working (14 years on Monday).

[–]mairymb4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow, I feel like framing this so I can remember it when I am married. Congrats btw for 14 years!

[–]brokenstrings83 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great advice, I’m really trying to be something with this guy yet I have habits that work against building trust and loyalty. Stupid things like being sarcastic and argumentative and stubborn and aloof. I feel like it’s habits I picked up from my last relationship which was so toxic, I was always being attacked someway that I built up a defensive attitude. I’m trying so hard to drop my defenses and be real with him and I feel like your points are going to be my guidelines to follow, to remember. Thank you.

[–]Helmet_Icicle2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is exactly the male fantasy of loyalty complimenting the female fantasy of desire. If the gamut of male experience is being valued for what you produce, then being valued just for who you are is the paramount emotional investment. And since this outlet of love is invariably provided only by his partner, a woman who understands this has all the reassurance she needs.

[–]fromo_latte11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Is there anyone in your life that’s loyal to you? That has stuck by you, loved you, had patience for you even during your dark/hard times? That person would be an example to show you what being loyal is like. It’s a character trait more so than something action derived in my opinion.

[–]Lemminger5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Loyalty is many things and different to everybody. Think of a dogs loyalty in some ways, maybe. Best friend, always there especially when we deserve them the least.

Not being afraid of the other person in any way because you know you have a safe place in this world together, just as you both are. It's also telling somebody they are a tool when they need to hear it, even though the conversation is tough to have. Just normal human commitment and grown-up approach to a shared life?

[–]LifeSucksIfYouLetIt13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly, good men will never throwa loyalty and family away for new attractions. Heck, most won't even cheat as long as their needs are brung met at home.

[–]my_chopin_liszt62 points63 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Well, the answer depends on the man’s needs, wants and his circumstance.

What you should ask yourself is how you can add value to the type of man you desire. Think about what you’re looking for in a husband and what you can do to bring him value. What my husband value may not be what other men value. You see what I’m saying?

For example:

I won’t date men with consumer debt, therefore I don’t have consumer debt.

I won’t date men with anger or controlling temper, therefore my temperament also reflects that.

I won’t date men who are overweight or out of shape, I’m also fit and healthy.

Just a few examples.

[–]mairymb14 points15 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yes I see your point. Be desirable to the one you desire.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'd argue it means don't be a hypocrite. If you want a high status male, you need to be an actual high status female.

[–]jeremyfirth2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

And high status female doesn't mean shows the same high status markers that men show when they are high status. In other words, men don't care about your career or your income or your degree. They care about your empathy, your thoughtfulness, and your level of responsibility.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]Y_U_NO_LEARN19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If I may humbly submit my view:

My wife has an enormous amount of actual skills. She speaks a foreign language, has attended multiple cooking classes, was a nanny for a few years.

Being skillful with people and the domestics is very very attractive to a red pill man.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I shall answer as a married woman. I think part of it is just finding a human that you are compatible with. My husband loves me because I'm high-energy and he is low-energy. I am spontaneous and he likes to plan. I am loud and confrontational and he is passive and afraid of conflict. We both have qualities that the other person needs. We're each other's yin and yang.

I think men also like goofiness and a sense of humor. Now, I do not have a GOOD sense of humor. I have a painfully wholesome and corny sense of humor. But I'm always joking around and being silly. Guys approached me a ton and asked me out a ton when I was younger. I think laughing a lot and being in a good mood make men want to stick around. When I was suffering from depression (and not hiding it very well) I received far less male attention.

I'm definitely not a doormat. I'd say my husband is the leader of out relationship. But I'm not his groveling servant. I'm second in command! If he's the President, then I'm the Vice President. If he's the CEO, then I'm the CFO (like figuratively-I suck at money so I could not actually do that job).

I still tell him how I feel. I still tell him when I think he's wrong. Being irreplaceable to a guy isn't about letting him walk all over you. Trust me, when you do all that you become much more replaceable. Just like so many women want a man to take-charge, so many men want a strong second-in-command, not a doormat. They might think they want a doormat. They want somebody who loves and respects them to hold them accountable and help them become the best version of themselves. Women are supposed to be men's helpers, right? Who was ever helped all that much by a doormat. We're like their behind-the-scenes strategists. They need our input. We need to be kind and build them up, but we also need to be direct and no-nonsense (maybe not every relationship is like men-just basing this off my lived experiences).

How to show all of this on the first date? Let him lead and defer to him, but don't hold back if you have something to say. Be yourself. That's most important. You want somebody compatible with you, not a false version of you.

And if you can loosen up enough to joke around and be silly, I don't think it hurts.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars55 points56 points  (38 children) | Copy Link

Irreplaceable seems like an unrealistic goal for dating. I'd say I'm "irreplaceable" to my husband, but until we were engaged, I don't think I could have made that claim. If you're looking to "lock down" a good guy, you might simply need to work on your exposure to them. Date. A lot. There are so many good men who could be marriage material and if you're not meeting them because you're being overly picky or you're refusing to date online or you're too shy to join a church group, then you're wasting your best years.

As for showing your worth on a first date, there aren't a lot of ways to do that, without coming on too strong. Be friendly and polite. Ask questions. Listen to his answers. Give genuine thanks if he treats you in some way. Lightly highlight your feminine traits, such as by talking about your last cooking adventure. If you're going down the list of why he should marry you, you're going to scare him off.

[–]mairymb9 points10 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

Thank you Kara, I really like the advice you give here in RPW. After how many dates do you think I should make a decision to see him again or not in your opinion? I have the tendency to go with the flow too much, without maybe asking important questions.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars12 points13 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I always knew by date three, whether or not there was any connection. You can usually bring up "important questions" organically. For example, on our first real date, my husband mentioned a friend of his who was getting married and how the couple had been together since college. I mentioned a friend who was still waiting for a ring and they'd lived together three years. This very naturally lead to a discussion of what our timelines were, loosely, which wasn't too threatening, since it was waaaay too early for one of us to be talking about ourselves. Just follow the conversation and see where important topics naturally fit. If he says he likes politics, ask who he favors in the election, etc.

[–]MissNietzsche 1 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy Link

What do you mean by too easy for one of you to be talking about yourselves?

[–]Kara__El4 Stars1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I mean that because it was a first or second date, it was obviously just hypothetical and not a hint at when I wanted him to marry ME or vice versa.

[–]MissNietzsche 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hm, see I literally will say that to the male directly...I think I see why people call me so honest now; I don’t think I have my social conventions down. Thank you for filling me in.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It comes on really strong when it doesn't come up organically. You're a total stranger on that first date.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agree. Three dates is generally long enough to know if there are any dealbreakers in the mix. No kids, incompatible religion, toxic family, debt, whatever. The mask usually slips by then.

[–]Deontic_Anti-statist0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

Definitely don't OLD. That is a waste of time and will make you cynical. I dated a lot online and it absolutely ruined me. At first I was excited to go out on a date but then I'd be let down and that happened soo often that at one point dating became a chore and a drag which meant I wasn't my best self. Also OLD is always a bet profiles rarely tell you the kind of person they are because people are aiming at maximising their dating frequency (especially women) rather than finding that man that likes them for them.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Please remember that men giving advice on RPW need to be active participants on TRP (helping men first) and in long term relationships. This statement is your own personal desire not advice.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Your story is anecdotal. We have a lot more anecdotal online dating success stories on here. For some people, dating options are limited and refusing to date online is a bad idea. I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but that doesn't make online dating a bad idea across the board.

[–]Deontic_Anti-statist1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Your story is just as anecdotal so lets just dismiss that weak attempt at refuting my point.

OLD is not a substitute for good dating options. You mentioned some of these already. Those are the places you'll find quality men, not on OLD apps. As I said, and you conveniently ignored, online dating profiles are designed by people to catch a date, not to find someone who is compatible. When going to places like bible study groups, conferences etc you'll be far more likely to meet quality men than OLD.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

I provided an anecdote for an anecdote, correct. Here are several to your one, if you're interested:

I never suggested OP "substitute," rather supplement. Online dating profiles are designed to meet people who want to find a date, yes. I didn't ignore that point, because it wasn't a point, but a definition of online dating. No, you can't solely vet based on a profile and that's why you should be meeting people as quickly as possible, to vet in person. As for compatibility, yes, actually, online dating profiles are designed to introduce some dealbreakers, such as religion, politics, employment, and relationship goals, none of which you can immediately know any other way.

I'm sorry it didn't work for you, but it works for plenty and many of the women here have had success. If OP has a personal situation that limits her options, then she should be jumping at all opportunities, especially since it's now the number one way people meet. I just don't think it's good advice to insist she completely forgo the number one way couples are getting together.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm laughing at his ability to dismiss your anecdote while using his own as his only piece of evidence. 🤦‍♀️

[–]Kara__El4 Stars0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I checked the post history and they're a first time poster on RPW, so at this point, I'm kind of taking this as advice from a visitor who just stumbled upon us.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I thought I saw that it was a guy too. It makes sense that OLD would be different for men VS women. It probably is a lot more futile for men and this is an area where their experience leads to bad advice for women.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I didn't look that closely, but online dating definitely favors women. My husband had some terrible stories. It was just all that was readily available to him, since he worked in oil and lived in a rural area.

[–]Helmet_Icicle6 points7 points  (21 children) | Copy Link

This is such a fallacy it's a wonder the sub has "RP" in the name at all. If you think you're "irreplaceable" then A) you don't have a realistic view of how many women can compete with you and/or B) you picked someone who doesn't have a realistic view of how many women can compete with you (i.e. low-confidence with oneitis).

No one has any control over another person. People can and do leave anywhere between one night and fifty years together. It's all "fine" from your side until you find out it isn't on their side and then it's too late.

The correct solution is to instead come to terms with reality and apply the strategies with the highest rate for success. In the context of OP's question, that strategy is to every-increasingly accrue value. If you have existent value, you don't need to ask the question "How do I demonstrate value?" because it's already second nature to you.

You can have your pick of the litter if you don't care about quality. But obviously a higher value man is better, so to sustain this goal you have to be able to accept the reality that you'll never truly be able to stop trying to compete with younger, better women. The fact of the matter is: men stay because they want to and for no other reason.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Your rant is unrelated to my post. OP asked about early dating strategies, not long term marriage strategies. Could my husband leave me? Sure, but he obviously found me "irreplaceable" enough to marry in the first place and that was OP's question. I never said marriage was a sure thing. The word choice and emphasis were OP's, hence the quotations. I simply chose to stay on topic rather than debate semantics, since her idea is clear. Her somewhat hyperbolic phrasing doesn't change the fact that she's asking how to maximize her value on those first dates.

It's not necessary to open literally every response with "Your husband can always leave you", and a lecture on weight. We read that enough. I'm pretty sure every woman here gets the idea.

[–]Helmet_Icicle-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Strategy is an orientation of energy towards fruitful goals. If your prioritization of goals is predicated upon fear, insecurity, and outright delusion then it doesn't matter how effective your energy is organized; you're throwing it all away.

It's not necessary to open literally every response with "Your husband can always leave you", and a lecture on weight. We read that enough. I'm pretty sure every woman here gets the idea.

That's a dissonant take, since every post with oneitis on the main sub always has "She's not yours, it's just your turn" as the top comment.

You're also the first one to raise the notion of weight, so be encouraged to reflect on why that may be. Following the basics of improvement is a core RP implication, posts that ask for advice at all require nuance of execution and technique.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

> That's a dissonant take, since every post with oneitis on the main sub always has "She's not yours, it's just your turn" as the top comment.

RPW quite frequently suggests women avoid the main sub, since the goals of the two are openly and admittedly completely different. I'm not referencing the main sub. I'm referencing this one and that's a pretty standard comment, often from men who frequent TRP, in fact.

> You're also the first one to raise the notion of weight, so be encouraged to reflect on why that may be.

Weight is constantly brought up on any and all RP subs, which is why I chose it as an example of RP basics, like "your husband can always leave you." Most of what you said was a regurgitation of such sidebar material, which it's fair to assume OP already knows, since it's suggested she familiarize herself with it before posting.

> The correct solution is to instead come to terms with reality and apply the strategies with the highest rate for success. In the context of OP's question, that strategy is to every-increasingly accrue value. If you have existent value, you don't need to ask the question "How do I demonstrate value?" because it's already second nature to you.

OP is asking about ways to maximize her value in the early dating stage and nothing you said is concrete or actionable advice. "Have value" is not a helpful statement. She wants to know how, which is why I suggested she be polite and friendly, organically mention her feminine traits, and try not to come on too strongly.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your rant is unrelated to my post. OP asked about early dating strategies, not long term marriage strategies.

Really? Is that how women see dating? Men don't see dating as separate from long term marriage strategies. Men see dating as a way to see what life with that woman would be like and what she can offer as part of a family. Your long term marriage strategy IS your dating strategy from the very beginning or else you will not get a good man. Because the only men who don't see dating that way are the men who aren't looking for a long term marriage. They'll either drop you, shirk so much they get dropped by you, or just use you as a temporary sex toy while dating you.

[–]MG_X0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

This right here...

[–]Helmet_Icicle-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe some think if they divorce from RP ideology, this sub won't get burned in the RP purge.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

I took "irreplaceable" as unique. And some women are very unique in their personality and interactions. So it's not a fallacy at all.

[–]Helmet_Icicle-1 points0 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

There is nothing so special about someone that cannot be found in hundreds or thousands of other people. Even if you are one in a million, there are 7,500 others just like you.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars-1 points0 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Your excessive negativity has crossed from useful to nihilistic. Do you even see that?

[–]bansheeman 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

He’s not being negative, just pragmatic. You’re being argumentative though... which makes a woman low-quality

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Behave yourself. Also you are talking to a man so try to be more accurate in your attempted insults.

[–]Helmet_Icicle-1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

There's nothing negative about reality. Once you accept what you do and don't have control over, you have outlined the borders in which you can create your own happiness.

If you look at reality and react negatively, that is your own responsibility. Be encouraged to adopt a more successful strategy than delusion.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Okay. I'm going to give you more benefit of the doubt than you deserve, but okay. Here's a simple question.

Say you're OP. You kinda blew your early years. Then you find the RP forums. Realize your mistake. Want to change. Improve your value, get a quality mate. What do you do? What is your positive outcome? What life-affirming choice(s) do YOU make? How do YOU compete with younger and hotter? Or do you just buy a 5-cat starter set? Slit your wrists?

What's your helpful solution? Do you have one?

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

That person will no longer be participating on RPW.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

This is such a fallacy it's a wonder the sub has "RP" in the name at all

Cut out the snark. If you want to disagree with someone, do that without acting as though you are the be all end all of RP knowledge. No woman here will take you seriously if you continue down this path.

Further, men are expected to have an active presence participating and helping men on TRP before they come to RPW. I do not see any TRP participation on your part. Please refocus your time. End gynocentrism, help men first.

[–][deleted] 1 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It is one of our rules that men must be participants on the men's subs. When we receive reports about someone, we check their post history. I missed the askTRP participation because you have more participation on RPW.

And I didn't say that there was anything wrong with your opinion just to knock off the snark if you want people to listen to you. But by all means continue to have an attitude and see how that works out.

[–]seahawkguy54 points55 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Have a personality. We all grow old. I would rather grow old with someone average looking but fun than put up with someone who is hot and is a raging bitch. When the looks fade, the fun personality will age well but the raging bitch will not.

Put in effort. Too many women just kick back and cruise. So many men. So many dates. No need to try. So be the one to ask the guy out. Be the one to create a fun experience. Guys like to kick back and come along for the ride too.

Why I date my gf and will marry her next year? She cooks, she coupons, she plans vacations, she hides snacks in my lunches, she’s thrifty, and she’s hilarious. And most importantly she’s loyal to me. I have no trust issues. She barely talks to strange guys. I know every single guy she knows. Low drama, in 4 years we have never even yelled at each other. It just works. What would any other girl bring to the table that would be better than what I got now?

[–]StellaFellaFC5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Concur with the points made. Minus the women though for me.

[–]mairymb4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes the dating life is getting so repetitive, with always the same things. Ill try to take that advice to create a fun experience.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

On your first few dates, what are some ways your gal demonstrated these traits?

[–]seahawkguy5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Every time I txted her she responded. If I invited her somewhere and she did not accept then she gave me an alternate date or time that she would be free. On my side it shows interest in continuing to communicating and meeting. Had she been hard to get then I would have given up since it would seem she was not very interested. We all know women get a lot of interest and I’m not into being anyone’s backup or 2nd or 3rd choice.

On dates she would cover lunch and I would cover dinners. She made a lot less than me so this worked out well for us. We would kidnap each other and plan out a whole day of things we liked to do to show the other person our interests. I took her snowboarding, she took me to the tulip festival. She hated snowboarding and I’m not into flowers but there was no hiding our interests. It’s better to be upfront about what u like and don’t like so the other person can decide for themselves.

[–]Kara__El4 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You give such great examples! Communication is probably one of the earliest ways to show value, by being responsive, but not coming on too strongly. My husband immediately messaged me after our first date, as in a few hours later, to tell me he had a great time and would like to see me again before he returned to the rig. When he was at work for long stretches (a week at a time), we'd text, but not excessively, so it was clear we both had lives and other investments.

She hated snowboarding and I’m not into flowers but there was no hiding our interests. It’s better to be upfront about what u like and don’t like so the other person can decide for themselves.

I love this. My husband likes to hunt. We're not even going to try to share that interest, just as I'm not going to try to teach him to crochet or get him into Gilmore Girls. It's healthy to accept each other's different interests early on.

[–]MG_X0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

yes low drama... also actually enjoy spending time together, actually think he is funny etc... appreciate him... all without being needy...

[–]seahawkguy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I dunno. If people can’t do that naturally without it being a chore then they probably aren’t right for each other. It shouldn’t have to be a huge effort to enjoy being with someone.

[–]RedPillMissionary35 points36 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Screening is important too. Every woman is chasing the tall, handsome, popular, successful guys. Those guys usually have commitment issues, so they're not worth the effort. If you surround yourself with good people, maybe churchgoers or intellectuals, you can be valued for something that never grows old, your intellect. Your beauty and fitness can be reserved as a gift for that one person and appreciated in private.

[–]brokenstrings87 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I like when you say “Your beauty and fitness can be reserved as a gift for that one person and appreciated in private.” That’s what I do for the person that I’m with and am serious with. It’s a nice little surprise and I want them to know it’s all theirs and only theirs as long as their mine.

[–]infinitymouse39 points40 points  (65 children) | Copy Link

I’ve wondered something along these lines. The RP community in general talks a lot about “the (dreaded) wall,” and there’s SO much emphasis on SMV for us. I keep wondering...sure we can work on ourselves and settle down when we’re young and pretty, but what stops him from trading us in further down the line? Sometimes it feels like no matter what amount of non-aesthetic value we bring, our age is ultimately the most important thing. And age is coming for all of us, no matter how gracefully we deal with it. So I’d love to hear, what keeps a man around when his lady turns out to be human?

[–]seahawkguy60 points61 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You have to build up that emotional bond. He needs to want to be with u for more than your looks or body. Your personality is more important than your looks. Why do guys restore and drive old cars from their childhood when they can afford newer ones? The memories and good experiences never fade.

[–]Lemminger15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nailed it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Your personality is more important than your looks.

No, the personality augments the looks. You have to be pretty, though every man has different standards of what counts which is why even the ugliest women still are often married. Anyway, having looks is important for both getting and keeping attention, but the make-it-or-break-it is personality. But, personalty is not more important than looks. Personality is more like the swing vote between whether or not looks alone are enough for the guy in question (hint: if the looks are good enough for him to waive the personality, you have the wrong guy and if the personality is more important to him than the looks, well congratulations then).

Why do guys restore and drive old cars from their childhood when they can afford newer ones? The memories and good experiences never fade.

We restore and drive old cars from our childhood because they look cool, usually cooler than modern cars, and they're valuable so it is also showing off a bit. They're not exactly common, either, and we like rare or unique things. Although, yes, there are also good memories, but it's not usually enough reason for us to bother getting anything like that or put in the effort.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

No, the personality augments the looks.

Wrong. Looks are malleable but not completely; personality is the only thing you can fully change. And looks fade; but personality can improve for the whole entirety of life.

How you treat others (the product of your personality) matters much more than looks. Pardon the explicitness, but even in bed I'd rather an enthusiastic, creative romp with a butterface who cares about my pleasure than a lifeless, skillless plowing of a supermodel.

The supermodel is only preferred by those who count bedpost notches. For those who care about longtime interpersonal relations and seek marriage, personality ALWAYS matters more.

[–]Lemminger38 points39 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Loyalty, shared history, connection, ease, happiness ect. Find a man that knows women are humans too, one that are stable and down to earth. Don't go after the .1-1% men as that often comes with trade-off like replaceability and volatile relationships unless you're a top notch lady too.

Besides that, nothing is certain and nothing is fail-safe in life so make sure you are enough for yourself. That will make you avoid many bad decisions and will keep you steady even if something happens.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

unless you're a top notch lady too.

I take it you mean come with the same trade-offs of replaceability and volatile relationships. Yeah, let's leave those types to each other. They deserve each other.

[–]Lemminger1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yea, you're right.

[–]my_chopin_liszt35 points36 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your reasoning is why I’m a huge advocate for marriage. If a woman is going to give her best years (youth and beauty) to a man, she really should be married. In case she does get traded in, she should be compensated, especially if her role was a housewife. However, men are not trading in women the rate women are divorcing men.

With that said, it’s very important to vet your potential husband properly to see if he values anything else other than youth and beauty. If a family minded man is in search of a wife, I honestly see nothing wrong with him wanting a woman who is of child bearing age.

[–]DeterminedLogic9912 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

For me, all it takes for me is for her to maintain the person she was when I first met her. People tend to be on their best behavior in the early stages of a relationship. As long as she maintains a relative level of that, there’s constant and good communication; I don’t need much else as far as personality goes.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, keep putting your best foot forward throughout your marriage. In fact, do even better than when dating. You married the woman you dated, not a facade trying to get hitched.

[–]frencharethebest 7 points [recovered]  (13 children) | Copy Link

you can always end up with a fuck up guy and the other way around too of course

but to answer your question if you find a good man with moral and ethics its quite simple to keep him on to you

men are simple creature they need regular sex food and quiet home (no nagging...)

and some time by himself with male friend or alone and it will be happy

so i know women need much more entertainement so find the good balance between

his needs and yours

and of course respect him a man really need to feel respected and useful to others

here you and your kids

[–]NoAARPforMe10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

With regular/enthusiastic sex, quiet home, respect and appreciation.....I will do the cooking.

[–]my_chopin_liszt11 points12 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

It’s sooooo simple. It’s not that hard! I know women who need so, so much more. We recently had a friend who got married and that man is miserable and sick of the constant nagging on matters that don’t matter.

[–]frencharethebest 3 points [recovered]  (6 children) | Copy Link

exactly !! thats a thing about men they dont really care as

much as woman with petty stuff even more when it comes to

apparance but he still has to make an effort for his woman too

but you dont need to nag and argue with just being nice and gentle when asking its everything we want

[–]Classic_Touch1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Most women nag because the man refuses to just do simple task without being asked. Or he is asked multiable times. So it goes both ways.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

And when women stop nagging they discover the man does get it done or that it's something that can simply wait. Just because she wants it done right away doesn't mean it needs to be done right away. Just because he hasn't done it yet doesn't mean he isn't going to get it done.

This is why nagging is a bad thing.

Wait until it actually matters before asking again and tell him that it matters and why it matters. If you just ask him to do something without a context (not a story) about why it needs to be done now or by X time then he has no reason to do it in anything resembling a timely manner so he won't bother.

Just like when men ask women to do something and for the same reasons.

[–]Classic_Touch0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have found the opposite to be the case the majority of the time but won't go back and forth with you about it. They typically just don't do it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My family is full of naggers. When the women aren't around (wives, cousins, sisters, mothers, etc.) we men get a ton of stuff done and roll our eyes at each other behind their backs when the women are so shocked that so much got done without them around to nag us. It would be funny if their nagging wasn't so annoying and so draining on any motivation to actually do what they are nagging us about.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Most women nag because the man refuses to just do simple task without being asked. Or he is asked multiable times. So it goes both ways.

Nope. Women nag because they're blue pill and have not learned RPW ways of encouraging a man to do tasks, rather than berating him.

[–]TemplarPhilosopher 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

Coming from a man married for 28+ years and an ex-family/divorce attorney, your comment hit on the target. As you stated, the formula is simple, "men are simple creature they need regular sex food and quiet home (no nagging...)"..."and of course respect him a man really need to feel respected and useful to others".

Based on my experience, sometimes the "no nagging" and the "respect" are the most difficult thing for an intelligent woman to follow.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Most intelligent people have difficulty understanding that their way is not the only way. I'm guilty of it, and my intelligent parents are both guilty of it. So, we all tend to nag as we each have a plan in mind.

[–]ZeppKfw15 points16 points  (34 children) | Copy Link

I'm 100% sure that as long as you don't give off whore ish traits/qualities then a man may keep you as an LTR. Whenever I see attractive girls acting immature and just doing what she wants to do i.e whoring around, I don't even imagine her being my LTR. More of a ONS instead.

[–]infinitymouse18 points19 points  (32 children) | Copy Link

It just seems like lately every time I turn around, perfectly nice mature women are getting dumped because they had the audacity to age. It’s discouraging tbh, and makes me mistrustful if men in general. As unfair as I know that to be.

[–]my_chopin_liszt4 points5 points  (25 children) | Copy Link

Are you taking about mature women who’ve been married to their husband for decades or just single women looking for a man? Because that’s 2 different issues.

[–]infinitymouse10 points11 points  (24 children) | Copy Link

I’m talking about women who have been married for decades. Who give everything and then get blindsided. I can think of three right off the top of my head who built amazing lives with their husbands, only to come home one day to him saying “I found somebody else.” And she’s 20 years younger than him. They burn down empires Because a 20 something will give them the time of day

[–]durtykneesEndorsed Contributor6 points7 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

women who have been married for decades. Who give everything and then get blindsided.

That's what they did wrong: give everything :p

The longer I've been married and the more I've mingled with long-married people, the more I notice that people who are comfortably married (strict monogamy also make things extra comfortable) tend to take things for granted.

Even if they think they are being grateful, they consider a lot of daily luxuries to be mundane, which make most novelties (what other people can make them feel) seem more shiny than their actual worth.

While I'm happy to give my husband my "everything", I only do so because he always reciprocate my efforts.

Sure, it sounds conditional/transactional, but the reason nobody likes martyrs (people like them even less when they try to guilt/"remind"/nag others to be appreciative of what they do :p) is because they're making covert contracts (but being self-sacrificing is such a virtue /s ) instead of properly communicating conditions/needs in advance (because that would be too "transactional" and unvirtuous /s ).

When people "pay" for something, they value it more --- "pay" in this context mainly applies to things that cost time, effort, emotional investment (hopes and dreams, etc :p), instead of monetary value.

[–]infinitymouse3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

When I say, “give everything,” I don’t mean martyring. I mean went 100% into the relationship. Thought they were contributing to something bigger than themselves. Case in point one of my friends who met and married her husband young. They built a successful construction company together, had a beautiful home and a vacation home, 3 nearly grown kids. Were starting to look at expanding. Then he comes home one day and drops the bomb that he’s leaving for someone younger than one of his daughters.

[–]durtykneesEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

When I say, “give everything,” I don’t mean martyring.

Definitions could be blurry, depending on individual experiences and impressions, so I apologize if I'm using the wrong words.

By "martyr", I'm referring to people who give with the assumption/expectation that the receiving person would always do the right thing, and never change.

Most people change a lot during their teens and 20s, which is why people who marry in their late 20s/early 30s have the most stable marriages (there're studies for this, but I don't have links handy right now).

went 100% into the relationship. Thought they were contributing to something bigger than themselves

They put their relationship on a pedestal.

It's more practical to always watch out for your own interests (your own well-being) while you're busy "giving everything" in a relationship.

Men (/people, regardless of gender) don't just drop life-changing surprise-bombs on you if you've been observant.

Everyone has a "pattern" (tendencies, habits, preferences, flaws, etc --- the whole package that makes them who they are), and people are predictable once you've known them for more than a couple of years (once you've fully mapped those patterns so any changes have predictable outcomes).

If you put your relationship/your man on a pedestal, you stop having a clear perspective (you develop biases), and patterns are harder to read and predict.

Also, in the long term, all the "little things" always add up (the more time passes, the more "big deal" they become), and these are most likely to cause changes to otherwise-stable patterns.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not to mention what things are "little". Like, I am bothered by the soap dispenser being turned sideways or just using a brief spurt of water in one palm instead of at least rinsing their fingers after taking a leak. The former because it's so rude that it feels like the person who did it just doesn't care enough about the rest of the family to bother not making things inconvenient, the latter because when you pee just by using your fingers to touch your member and you only use a short squirt of water into your palm which didn't even touch's unsanitary and gross.

Oh, wow, see, still bothers me.

Anyway, these things are ostensibly "just little things" according to the perpetrators but are obviously not so little to me. The same is true for anyone else. One man's "little thing" is another man's "big thing". And I just saw the joke in that.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Are you some sort of bad luck charm? It seems you know people who married messed up men. Well, other subs are full of men who married messed up women so it's to be expected the other way, but still.

Again, though, there are usually underlying problems that cause these things to happen.

Also, a thought occurred to me. Did the wife act as a wifey wife or was she more like a modern woman sort of "wife"? I don't mean housewife or something, but someone who prioritizes the family and relationship over some sort of drive to constantly push forward in her career. Because most men aren't interested in marrying a man with mammaries. But, most men will put up with that sort of pseudo-faux marriage for a very long time. It comes with our mental and emotional durability/stunting that make a sex that came up with things like "stiff upper lip". Eventually, these men might simply reach a point where they can't live that way any more. Especially if they meet a young woman willing to be a more feminine wife than their current masculine wife.

[–]infinitymouse0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

So....she deserved what she got. Basically.

I seem to recall a heartbreaking post on here recently from a young woman who had done everything “right.” Housewife, no career, 4 children. And a husband who wasn’t worth shooting. Maybe you saw it?

In other words, I think it’s incredibly unfair to suggest that this man’s behavior is his wife’s fault.

Oh, and the “more feminine wife” he ruined everything for left him the second he ran out of money. And he started trying to crawl back to the “modern woman.”

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If I were to place blame, it would be on both. Though, mostly on him for acting out even though he chose to marry her. If he wanted someone other than a career woman, he shouldn't have married a career woman or built a company with her. He should have manned up and accepted that if he didn't like it, he shouldn't have done it, and so he should live with it, get over his whiny pity-party, and be grateful for the life he had with her.

You seem to be assuming that if I say anything that could be viewed as not placing all of the blame on this man, then I must be supporting what he did and victim blaming. That is ridiculous. You can't reasonably say "This person was hurt so it must be entirely the other person's fault". That is nonsensical and usually unrealistic. Possible, though, like with bullies and egotists.

Oh, and the “more feminine wife” he ruined everything for left him the second he ran out of money. And he started trying to crawl back to the “modern woman.”

Then he was an idiot who thought the grass was greener on the other side. He got played by a wolf in sheep's clothing and willingly chose to play into her jaws like the moron he proved himself to be. This is most likely what happened: he got a big head and greedy and thought he could change out his current wife with a new model wife 2.0 and nothing in his life would change and it'd just all miraculously be better than before. Then reality ensued.

Personally I believe what you said about what the man did is correct and that this guy got the sorry end he earned, BUT, I also believe that it is best to look at a situation from multiple angles and to understand people more as a result of those angles than to squish everything into a two-dimensional plane.

Edited: The extreme majority of the post was either off-topic or repetitive, so I fixed it and made it concise.

[–]brokenstrings81 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Could you give some examples?

[–]durtykneesEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I'd be happy to clarify, but which part of what I said would you like examples for?

I have a bad habit of rambling when I'm not given limits lol

[–]brokenstrings81 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Of course, I do the same lol. Examples of giving to your husband and what they give in return for it (vice versa), like what do you give and what’s an equal & fair return. Does that make sense?

[–]durtykneesEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

what do you give and what’s an equal & fair return

The value of what's given/received (what's considered fair) depends a lot on the individual, and it could be very different from my examples (everyone is different <3), so I can only speak for myself :

Most of it goes back to "love languages", but I'm of the opinion that they're only useful as starting points for better communication, because the concept's range can be quite limited. How much a man loves you (his commitment and willingness to sacrifice) is influenced by how you consistently make him feel, despite how men pooh-pooh feelings in RP subs ("consistent" is key, in any long term relationship).

To be appreciated and understood is my "love language" (what I want to receive in a relationship), and this isn't "acts of service" nor "quality time", because my man can't do it in a paint-by-numbers way (he can't just push love-buttons to "keep me happy" :p). My husband actually appreciates and understands me as an individual (I'm not just "a wife", as if I'm "a car" to maintain), and it shows in everything he does and says. While most of it is non-verbal, what keeps everything working smoothly is our mutual motivation to have heart-to-hearts about our feelings (and if you listened in, we mostly sound like two robots swapping diagnostics).

Generally, a person's habits/actions are a reflection of the contents of their mind (and their mental state as well). If you're really important to them, you'd always be on their mind, and it always shows.

My husband doesn't need to do anything special (we don't even celebrate special "days", because we celebrate whatever, whenever we please :p), because I feel loved when he remembers certain foods upset my stomach, or when he understands why I don't do certain things, or simply whenever he's considerate and mindful --- I pay attention and notice everything :p

I always tell him how much I appreciate it too, and the Gratitude Police haven't caught on to me yet.

I think the most relatable and specific example would be: I'm always happy to do housework because my husband always picks up after himself (showing me through his actions that he appreciates me, and also that he takes responsibility for his own messes, which is a huge turn-on for me!). Housework is just a small portion of what I do of course, but this thread is already full of good examples of what a valuable wife does, and I don't need to add to that by talking about any of the weird things I do in my eagerness to serve and please my husband :p

I've also rambled a little more on the topic here, for more context.

If I missed the mark on answering your question, do let me know! We're all here to improve, and despite how I always mention communicating properly, I'm not exactly a good communicator with text alone (but I'm working on it!)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Equal is a quantity, fair is a quality. It isn't a matter of both doing X amount of work points like some sort of video game.

Take care of your man similarly to how a mother figure would take care of her child and he will take care of you like a father figure would his daughter. Well, with a lot of sex added.

Seriously, we're ready for debauchery within a couple days or less (about two days for a full load). Seriously, we have sex in the back of our minds at literally all times. Non-stop. We learn to tune it out, but we're still almost constantly aware of it in a distant way.

[–]my_chopin_liszt1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s sad when these happen but we don’t know the details of their marriage. I’ve seen these happen too and to be honest, it’s just 2 that I’ve personally knew. The upside is I know way, way more decades long marriage than men who trade heir wives in.

[–]infinitymouse4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I guess I haven’t had much exposure to those kind of men. Several who I thought were like that turned out not to be, they just managed to get their wives to take them back. One told me the only reason his marriage was intact was bc the woman he was sleeping with died.

[–]mairymb2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I am kind of scared of the same thing happening to me, that is why I much prefer marrying someone older than me (between 10-12 years older.)

[–]infinitymouse7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I struggle not to feel resentment that we have to think this way. But I guess that’s about as useful as wishing water wasn’t wet 🤷‍♀️

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's part of the SMV curves and the increase and decay in SMV of each gender. It's sad, but rejecting it can burn you. Women peak much earlier than men. Dating older has worked for millenia for women. Marrying somebody your age... has more pitfalls.

[–]my_chopin_liszt1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I married someone way older. Not because that’s what I wanted but back then when I was in my early 20s, men my age just wasn’t mature enough and I wasn’t going to waste my time.

[–]nevomintoarce0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

So you want to be the one he lefts his aging woman for or what?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Maybe there were problems you or she didn't know about until they reached critical mass. Or she just got reeeeaaallly unlucky with whom she married.

[–]infinitymouse0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

The second. He started trying to crawl back the second real life got real. Then he found himself a meth habit.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He sounds weak. A successful man who leaves his loyal wife and kids for a gold digger, then develops a meth habit?

Something deeper is there. A spiral like this isn't normal. Hidden mental issues? Drug habit? Past or present trauma? Brain aneurysm? Something. This is very atypical.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Then she got lucky, instead. It's sad to say but good riddance to bad trash. Hope she grew beyond anything he could have helped bring about. Whether it be making a successful career for herself or finding a new husband worthy of her and whom she is worthy of.

[–]ZeppKfw3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I assume you're from a western country? If so, my statement doesn't apply. First time I visited the US, dating is very different.

[–]infinitymouse0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Really? How interesting. Do you mind if I ask where you’re from? Yes I am in the US

[–]ZeppKfw5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

From the Philippines. 80% of the guys I meet are the relationship type of guys, bluepill if you may say. Sweet, caring, clingy, and generally loyal. They treat their girl so well that it's common for the girl to get bored and dump the guy. So, older guys are the ones that are redpilled naturally.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Women want to marry men, not toddlers. And Blue Pill is preferring the unreal happy dream instead of reality. So, those guys aren't Blue Pill'd, they're just not masculine enough to be thought of as more than pets or children. Girls don't want that in a guy, they want a person who isn't a living caricature. A man, not a boy, not a toddler, not a pet. Certainly not a desperate slave.

[–]PaganButterChurner0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That’s a valid point, but women are also hypergamous. They whore out at 18-25. Then start to think about long term at 25z This is when they settle, that’s why it’s hard to find singles 27-35 yos.

My advise as a someone who is a successful / extremely fit / good looking. Get off tinder because it makes you have an inflated ego.

If you want a man to keep you, do these things: 1. Have a life, work out. Even better, have a career. 2. Actually care about him and encourage his hobbies . Don’t make him choose you over his friends.

This is an extremely important point, if you somehow manage to get your man away from the things he loves to spend more time with you. You are doing yourself a disservice, he will not be as attractive as he once was. He will become soft.

  1. Enjoy and encourage sex, be open about it. And ask him to try new things.
  2. Like others have said, don’t nag and let him have his peace.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think the carousel also causes those women who slept around until 25 or so to think of their marriage less as an actual marriage and more as an extended hookup with bells and whistles. This is very, very bad for a lasting marriage. It, I think, is a large part of why they then do not behave as part of the family unit but instead as more like a roommate.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not that we men dislike a woman being whorish in our bed...just not actual sluts.

[–]MissNietzsche 3 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

RPM often describe love goggles for their wives when they age

[–]infinitymouse0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the most hopeful thing I’ve read here thank you

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

First, I wanna point out you seem to be misunderstanding what the wall is. It's not "you're too old so goodbye" it's "settle down as a good wife to a good man before you're too old to catch attention as a potential mate."

Men grow attached emotionally very easily. Not sure why you're concerned about it anyway. Hasn't been an issue for the entirety of human existence. Though, I suppose it's always possible you will be one of the exceptions.

We men do indeed care about looks. There is a biological imperative there for producing children who won't get eaten by lions or whatever but will win and the lion instead.

Basically, be a wife and he will be a husband. He will be a husband anyway but will expect you to be a wife. To a man's perspective, absolutely everything is earned. If you want to be kept after your expiration date, spend your time being a good and devoted wife to earn it. Someone who is devoted does things to show it. Surprisingly, I'd suggest actually watching some anime or something that involves some sort of mother figure character as an example of what devotion looks like.

This whole age thing wasn't a problem back about a century ago. Back then, maybe a little earlier, older men married younger women. After all, giving your daughter to a boy without a stable income and a house of his own would have been really dumb. It helps that genetic research has proven that old men (not like old-old but you know what I mean) who have children with young women have kids with increased longevity. So, another incentive.

Anyway, if an oldish man marries a young woman, he will be either outside of his sexual age or dead by the time her looks diminish enough to be relevant. So, this aging issue is an extremely recent matter.

[–]infinitymouse0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think a century ago it was just par for the course for men to have outside sexual relationships.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sorry for this being long, but I wanted to cover other things in a long extension of the answer. A blanket summary response would be as meaningless as a single-sentence summary of either World War.

People like thinking that about men having outside sexual relationships as "par for the course" because it makes themselves feel above the norm. That "normal men philander, I don't philander, that makes me a better man than most men." Or "men philander and it's common for them, I'm a woman so that must mean I don't do that and so I'm better or wiser."

It's untrue. Men being more commonly habitually unfaithful is within the century. Really it started with the roaring twenties and went downhill from there. Before then, men much more rarely had affairs.

Edited: the extreme majority of the post was off-topic, so I corrected it after reviewing the sub's rules again.

[–]frencharethebest 4 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

i can give you a big secret women like attention from a man

man like respect from a woman

to show him respect its quite simple dont challenge him or contradict men hate

being in a competition with women. it doesnt mean agree with everything he says

but when you have a different opinion just expose your fact nicely and a feminine way

and he would love so much the conversation with you

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Basically, don't be rude or obnoxious. If you disagree say so but not in a "you're wrong and I'm right because I disagree with you and so I must automatically be right" sort of way. Modern women seem to default to that behavior. Instead, just admit you disagree, state why you disagree, and state your own perspective and why that is what you think. If you don't give the why, it seems that you are just throwing stuff out without anything backing it up. Men care a great deal about the "why" of anything, which is probably why civilization advanced from knocking rocks together to landing on the moon and sending robots to Mars.

Men like to receive respect from women because it makes us feel that we have earned worth. Men start out without worth and without a sense of self-worth. We spend our whole lives working to earn worth and recognition of our worth. Respect is that recognition that we have succeeded in earning worth in our existence.

Ironically, though, we feel ashamed to receive respect we feel we did not earn.

[–]FluffyLlamaPants1 Star11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Being irreplaceable was something that I dreamt of before I got married. One man, who will be my "other half", my inseparable twin, my soulmate! Ah, this must be what true love smells like....(narrator: it wasn't.)

As I got older...much older, the picture of what being irreplaceable to a man actually meant gradually became clearer. More often than not, it meant a man that hangs his very happiness on you (a hell of a weight to carry,big you ask me). A man who's looking for a mother figure, while growing more incapable of "adulting" with each year. A man, who cannot and will not let go of you because he simply doesn't know how to function without you.

That's not romantic. That's...well, at some point, that becomes incarceration for one of the people in that relationship.

Now being a woman that a high value man CAN live without but would rather not? I'd rather be that.

[–]mairymb6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I absolutely love this advice. You made me shudder with this depiction of being irreplaceable to a man. It seems to me that it would kill any desire I have for the man...through those lenses I can kind of understand how some women can become cold and nagging if it turns out their husband is like that...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sure puts Romeo and Juliet into perspective.

[–]Fatty5lug 4 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy Link

Seems like you have the looks part down. How to be important in your partners life is unfortunately dependent on the type of man your partner is.

I am early 30s and a physician so I can only speak for this group. Most look for somebody equally as solid career wise. Most do not want to be the sole provider. Out of the few who opted for a txt book trophy wife (absolutely nothing wrong with that), some seem to regret their choice though trying hard not to show it. It is not easy to be a one income household these days unless you are in a well paid field but that comes at the expense of your quality free time.

If your partner is someone who wants a trophy wife there is higher risk of him trading you in for a newer model. If he is the type who looks for a true partner then you need to work on yourself to be his best partner in life. You can either be a second income as well or absolutely take care of all domestic duties and leave the rest to him. The more you can offer the more “irreplaceable” you are. Much easier said than done obviously.

My current gf is a phamarcist. She gets along with my family and is a great cook. I value her a lot more than the amateur models I was going out with before. Most try to cash in while they are young and pretty without even putting anything else on the table other than beauty. It is a valid strategy for them but I am just looking for something else.

[–]mairymb4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

So I should think of the type of man I want and see if he would value what I have to offer...then maybe try to change the things that need to change.

[–]Fatty5lug2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly that. You have to adjust your inventory to customers :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, that is precisely it. Many romance advice nonsense likes to claim that if you love someone, you shouldn't need to change. Or that you need to find someone you don't need to change for. But that's just pandering to ego.

The truth is that if you love someone, you will change for them because you love them. If you need to find someone, find what kind of man you want and mold yourself into the kind of woman they want.

[–]prettyprincess917 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I don’t think this is something you can show in a few dates - what you can show in a few dates is that you are worth continuing to date.

Learn useful skills that would also make you a great friend to have.

I like wealth management and investments. This is a good one as most people are terrible with money but understanding how tax codes work, how liquid investments vs. CDs, etc. is enormously useful. I’ve been saving 60% of my income for several years so I can comfortably live off the passive income in future and enjoy discussing how to frugally live the good life (travel, ski, sail on a budget). A man being able to discuss investment strategies with me is both very intimate as it requires a lot of trust and often something people do need advice on.

Another person mentioned foreign languages, if you like to travel this is a good one. Arts and crafts are also good - really anything you can become passionate about which will be useful. I paint and often gift people framed landscapes as housewarming presents. People who can’t paint think these are amazing - I consider them 4 hours of time.

Standard “adult” skills such as cooking, cleaning, sewing, budgeting to me are table stakes - meaning these should be expected and not thought of as “special” unless you are truly outstanding. My mother is an example of this: she made the drapes, tablecloths, pillows, and furnishings in every room of the house I grew up in as well as my brother’s living room and everything looks professionally made.

[–]mairymb3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My mom is the same! She makes everything herself even some of my clothes when I was growing up. Can I ask you how did you learn wealth management, investments and painting? Was it by yourself? Id love to learn more about handling money seriously

[–]prettyprincess918 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I learned this from my father who treated it like his hobby. If you have any friends or relatives that have this as a hobby that is a good place to start. If you are already saving a portion of your income, see if you can increase that by 5% of your net monthly income as a way to give yourself funds to get started. I started with money market and cash investment accounts that would be liquid within 2 weeks should I need them for emergency reasons. I would recommend you also save and have enough cash on hand to live for 6 months - have this and whatever your burn rate (your monthly expenditures) as what you keep in your checking account. All other income you can treat as potential wealth building.

Lending club offers a good beginner’s way to get started and I still have investments there. After a year or so you should see the returns from your investments and elect to keep reinvesting your profits. With this and adding more money each month - you’ll eventually get to where the income equals your burn rate - once this happens and all your debt is paid off, you are financially independent, your passive income is paying for your lifestyle.

The flip side people also neglect is how to get your burn rate down. I live in the bay area with a burn rate of $2K a month - a combination of owning my place, walking to work, great wine club, and inexpensive hobbies (hiking, rock climbing, skiing). Rent in my area is the biggest loss of money so focusing on how to minimize this will do wonders for minimizing your burn rate.

And men LOVE a woman comfortable with finances but frugal enough to stretch them for a long time.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also, a rule of thumb is to have one or two years of yearly salary in savings at any time as an emergency fund in case of a lost job. By yearly salary I mean that if you make 30K per year, have at least 30-60K in savings at all times at the bare minimum.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Id love to learn more about handling money seriously

You know, prior to the modernization of womanhood and manhood, women were generally the ones given control of the family finances. Well, it was a little odd. Men controlled the money, but women often handled the budget and financial organization of the family. Just a curious trivia bit that came to mind. I wonder if that's why women were commonly employed as secretaries...

[–]macktheknive17 points18 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

No long list, but a thought.

Understand the commercial and financial realities of Life in the current era. Don't bring a massive student loan in a worthless major, consumer debt and/or loans. Don't be an anchor on the guy. Even for a quality male with his shit together, it can be hard navigating this world some days. We don't need additional anchors.

Stay in shape, don't plaster yourself in tattoos because the rest of the hive does it.

Simple stuff really.

[–]mairymb6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m a lucky Canadian who has no student loans so that’s taken care of ! But I do see your point, being a sensible person and being independant

[–]StellaFellaFC1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

+1 I concur.

[–]Frrrosty17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Speaking as a single, unmarried man: for me to consider marrying a woman, I would want her to be good with children (#1 priority), at least a decent cook or willing to learn, take care of her body and appearance, and be submissive. I don't care too much about how many cool things she can do. These are my personal feelings, and I'm a pretty traditionally minded man (I want to be the sole provider for a large family some day).

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What men want most of all is to eventually managed to give his wife and children a comfortable life in which his wife can life each day doing whatever she wants without being bothered with doing work unless she honestly enjoys the work she does. Basically, a life the man would want to have for himself but gets satisfaction from giving to his wife and children instead even though that means he can never have it for himself. At least not until retirement, and men who reach this point often work until they die to keep that life for their wives.

[–]randomizer3000 2 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

without being a doormat. How can I show my worth on those first dates ?

I've been out and dating a lot more lately, so this is something that I can actually answer. I tend to meet most online, so the IRL ones get handled a bit differently. These are the questions I look to answer on 1st/2nd/3rd dates.

(0. Have you manipulated your photos to look thinner/healthier than you are irl? Assuming you haven't I'm probably at least moderately attracted to you. I don't swipe spam.)

  1. Do you reciprocate by nature? If you're actively participating in conversation with full sentences, that's a plus. Not looking at your phone is a plus. If you don't offer to pay for a token round of drinks or something on the first date, that's a negative (I won't let you actually pay, but if you believe your time is that much more valuable than mine I'll go look elsewhere. I'm looking for a partner, not a prostitute.). Planning a date yourself after the 4th-5th when you've determined interest level is also a plus (this depends on the guy though, tbf). Thank you/"I had fun" texts after a date are great.

  2. Are you adaptable/will you follow my lead? Looking for someone that I can take to dive bars and to the pool hall, or to upscale places. If you can only handle one of those ends of the spectrum, that's a problem. If I can't plan a normal date because you have a million ways that you want things to happen, I won't plan a date.

  3. Is there chemistry? I tend to be pretty slow with this stuff, but if you move away if shoulders brush, or don't lean in if I put my arm around you, I'll assume you just aren't into me. Physical touch is how express and receive affection best, so if you hate being touched informally/non-sexually we won't be a good match anyway.

  4. Can I really talk to you? I assume I will disagree with you about some things, and am fine with that. Are you? Can we talk about politics/morality/culture/religion without putting your back up? If I have to ELI5 everything, also makes things difficult.

Hope this helps, that ended up being harder to put down than I expected.

[–]StellaFellaFC0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]raymondreamer5 points6 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

There's too much negativity in these forums, at least amongst the RP men group.

To become irreplaceable you have to first think about what that really means. Being high value can be different to different people, it's all in how they interpret you and what you specifically offer them.

As a high value middle 20's guy with a lot of redeeming qualities, the last thing I am looking for is sexual appeal as that is too common and often the only thing those type of women offer.

I've simply lost interest in those games. Rather, I am looking for someone who can help me continue to build my life and enhance my experiences.

You're obviously going to pair well with someone who is a lot like you, and has similar interests, but it is your subtle differences that is what's going to keep your relationship aligned and always growing.

You want to find someone who adds to you and helps you become more aware of yourself, that is, in fact, the major point to relationships. They are a mirror to who we are and offer opportunities to see within ourselves.

All you really need to do to become irreplaceable is to become deeper as a person. Spend more time with yourself, and find out who you really are.

Who's to say what you want right now, isn't some delusion of what you think you want because you're still trying to prove something to someone?

How do you know what you want, is what's actually best for you? Do you even know who you are?

Figure all these things out first and the moment you do, you will begin to see there is a bigger picture to your life, and your interests may change, or they may be directed with more clarity.

All we want is someone who is real, and we would like to be real ourselves. I believe it still takes a partnership to achieve ultimate consciousness and our optimal state of reality.

[–]iamnadee1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Brilliant comment. Surprised to see this coming from a guy in his mid 20s. Hope I get to meet a brilliant guy like you. Thanks for sharing

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

You sound like you're rehashing things that people pandering to egos say. Basically, you seem to be saying what you think she wants to hear with small effort bits like "growing deeper as a person" to make it seem sagely. You're trying to feed her a blue pill.

[–]raymondreamer0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

The only reason you resist this information is because you are unwilling to do this work yourself. Otherwise, you would see it is the wisest thing a person could spend their time doing.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

And most people reading your comment will draw parallels between how you replied and how manipulators guilt people into following them with the whole "If you reject my advice it's because something's wrong with you and that if you believed me you would realize that I'm right and that I have the secrets to life."

What you say is empty and vague intentionally. At best, you want to feel like you're helping but have no real advice to give so you just throw out some basic general vagaries about "finding yourself" and whatnot. The usual bread-and-butter of people who comprehend nothing about life problems but want to seem like they do. Real advice has detail and substance.

For example:

You want to find someone who adds to you and helps you become more aware of yourself, that is, in fact, the major point to relationships. They are a mirror to who we are and offer opportunities to see within ourselves.

Here you portray relationships as some sort of philosophical existence. Some transcendental aspect of life. Because you have nothing useful to say.

Also, the point of a relationship is to find a mate to settle down with, produce children with, and to support each other's living comfortably. Anything more than that is up to people to add to relationships if they want to, though it's largely pointless and can easily create cracks and fissures in the relationship as once you get into subjective philosophical views of a relationship, both parties have different views and philosophies and breaks it.

[–]raymondreamer 1 points [recovered]  (4 children) | Copy Link

You love to be an intellectual don’t you. If only you had any idea.

You’re not worth replying, but I will say this to you.

Until you realize the filters going on in your mind that are not there intentionally, you will continue to be lost in the maze of your mind, trying to find reason for everything and map out the world logically, and have this unwavering need to correct others. Nothing in my post is any of what you are making of it.

You sound like one of the hurt and insecure RP types, a majority of them are, that’s why they seek commune and constant advice on how to continue life.

People like you go out of their way to find and create arguments so they can win. Problem is you already lost, and in a much bigger way than you currently can understand, especially when talking to someone who actually knows what the truth of reality is.

There’s nothing you couldn’t say, in which I couldn’t also entertain your little tantrum with a more sophisticated argument pointing higher and higher to the truth of existence and meaning of why you are here and what it is you need to do.

You couldn’t keep up, because you are still in the mental matrix and can only accept and make sense of what you can conceptualize.

Find someone else, try again. No further replies to you.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

To each his own, then.

[–]AwarenessOfAwareness 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

You drop small bits of interesting ideas but don't elaborate on them so it's hard to understand what exactly you are trying to say. How do I get rid of the "the filters going on in your mind that are not there intentionally"? What do you mean by "the truth of reality"? How do I get out of "the mental matrix"?

[–]raymondreamer0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes, I am not intending on writing a book on reddit, there are many resources on these topics already.

[–]HoedownInBrownTown4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Clean his snood and ride him good 💯

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Has a point...

[–]WhatIsThisAccountFor3 Star6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The only way to be truly irreplaceable is to date so far down that you are literally the best option he will ever have. No one wants to do that.

The idea is to make it so your man doesn’t want to replace you. Be malleable, be open to his requests, be able to let him do his own thing, be supportive when he needs it, cook for him, clean etc. make it so replacing you isn’t a worthwhile option, and you won’t be replaced in the vast majority of cases.

If you’re a 6/10 looks wise at 27 with no meaningful career prospects, and you somehow land a 9/10 successful man, that’s when you should expect to be replaced eventually. You can not ever realistically make up for the difference in that consistently. When the man can clearly get someone significantly more beautiful than you is when you should worry. When it’s the difference between a 7/10 and an 8/10, very few men will make that trade in based on looks alone if you have a good relationship to fall back on.

If you’re relatively even when it comes to SMV, just be the best partner you can be, and be sure to take care of yourself.

[–]PowerUpTheLighthouse3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

For a good man you won’t have to “prove” your worth, so much as be your worth when you’re with him. You’ll just naturally show him what you are all about, from your values to your goals in life, by being congruent with what you stand for or believe in. There is no right or wrong answer, but the more your beliefs, values, and goals align with his, the better the chance for long term connection. Values include things like honesty, trust, openness, forthrightness, loyalty, kindness, ambition, forgiveness and honor. Goals could be marriage, family, church, start a business, travel, socialize, etc.

Instead of putting emphasis on the tactics of how to do something (like what should I say? Or What should I do?) look at the overarching strategy that will serve as a beacon to guide you to say it or to do it naturally, without much thought. Like moths to a flame, is the human mind to what we focus on. Focus on showing your values and that’s exactly what you’ll do. And if you do that, you’ll attract the right kind of guy, or repel the wrong kind of guy.

[–]iamnadee2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly what I was thinking. If you need to prove yourself to him, he's not the one for you. Being authentically you should be what makes you irreplaceable to him

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

For a good man you won’t have to “prove” your worth

Nonsense! Jump into the ocean and kill a shark with your bare hands! That will prove your worth!

[–]_Ulan_3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If a girl manages to stay around for a little bit, I'll end up getting some form of addiction to her. It is not a defined value she brings, or a particular action. But after 5-6 months I will shape my life with that person and from that point on I will feel the miss if she isn't here.

There 's more time needed to share a life, and to meet my family etc... But after 6months I definitely make a genuine place in my routine for a person.

[–]MyNameIsSaifa3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Being a genuine and caring person and not a total headbanger that's a pain to deal with will put you in the top 10% easily.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sturgeon's Law.

[–]SorinTPX4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s a lot more than have a great personality and being confident in your own skin. In my opinion, that is just part of the bare minimum requirements for someone who wants to be my partner-in-crime.

I think the biggest thing for me is that she is more or less independent and that she has her own interests/hobbies apart from mine. Of course there are other basic things like is she employed, does she still go to school, does she drive/have her own vehicle, etc.

Bringing value to a relationship means that you are complimenting an already existing value of mine, bringing a new value to the equation, or vastly improving a value of mine that I am not as proficient in as you (if that makes sense). This, ideally, works both ways. Granted, this doesn’t always work out since relationships aren’t taken all that serious nowadays and you’ll get varying levels of commitment based on how serious/important the relationship really is to you or your partner.

Anyway, hopes this helps and I’ll edit this comment soon because I need to read OP’s post a few more times to make sure I didn’t miss or overlook anything obvious lol. Have a great day :) !

[–]mairymb4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think the biggest thing for me is that she is more or less independent and that she has her own interests/hobbies apart from mine. Of course there are other basic things like is she employed, does she still go to school, does she drive/have her own vehicle, etc.

I find it a little complicated to understand the balance between being an independent woman and making your man feel needed. Aren't those opposite?

[–]MyInternIsHighLikeMe2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To a mediocre man, a pretty girl is a prize. Any man you’d truly want to marry is busy with something far more important than pretty girls. Bring something valuable to his mission in life AND be arm candy and you’re worth locking down. But in the end you must understand that to a man who’s truly on a mission, every woman is replaceable.

[–]TheBunk_TB2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Don't sh*t test and know how to carry on a conversation.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very true.

[–]razor_sharp_0075 points6 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I’m a mid 30s guy, 6 figure income, no kids, two homes and decent shape physically. I’d generally say that I don’t have any trouble finding good women to date.

I look for women who are extremely nurturing and modest (Jackie O, Laura Bush) while also being sexually available to me 95%+ of the time. Able communicator, passionate about raising children (see nurturing). Lastly and most importantly, in terms of making her irreplaceable, I look for a willingness to help me meet my goals with abilities that are complimentary to mine.

As a simple example, I love hosting big dinners. I love choosing guests, making introductions, pouring drinks and I can cook for 12-16 people. But I love when a woman loves cooking for large groups of people and gets pleasure from seeing them eat and compliment her good food. I derive pleasure from bringing them together but none from the cooking. If she derives pleasure from cooking, to me that’s a good complimentary aspect to the relationship. When a woman shows me that her abilities compliment my own, and thus helps me reach my goals-well that’s basically what causes me to fall in love.

[–]mairymb4 points5 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

I look for women who are extremely nurturing and modest (Jackie O, Laura Bush) while also being sexually available to me 95%+ of the time

Are you saying available sexually from the get go or only when you are in a relationship? That's something that I struggle to understand in this subreddit. What's the balance between modesty and sexuality. Would a high value man like you seem to be wait for a woman or would you think she didn't desire you?

When a woman shows me that her abilities compliment my own, and thus helps me reach my goals-well that’s basically what causes me to fall in love.

I never thought about it in that way. But it really does make sense. It's like when as a woman I appreciate when a man takes charge in things that I could of done alone but that I don't particularly like (driving, choosing where to eat, etc)

[–]razor_sharp_0076 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I don’t mean sexually available from the get go. I mean once a sexual relationship is established. I have no exact pattern for when I think that needs to happen but I’m pretty willing to wait a few weeks-maybe, maybe up to like 6-for a woman I find compelling. There are lots and lots of ways to express desire without having sex.

I agree that this is a challenging thing to navigate for a woman and I defer to all the wonderful women in this sub to give you guidance on that.

I look to modest and tasteful dress as an indicator of other good values: class, self-respect, discretion, subtlety. While getting to know her better, I hope to confirm that those values are present.

[–]brokenstrings81 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Could you give examples of ways to express desire? I’m afraid I don’t know how to do this but would like to learn?

[–]razor_sharp_0071 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Send them poems by Pablo Neruda:

I hunger for your sleek laugh, your hands the color of a savage harvest, hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails, I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

Im kidding only a little. Compliments, affection, kissing, what the kids call sexting, sending photos...nothing too complicated. But lead with quoting Neruda.

[–]brokenstrings80 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow that poem though, that would drive me wild. I love poems, please tell me more. I'm just interested in hearing other authors and poems you know.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Are you saying available sexually from the get go or only when you are in a relationship?

Good men don't want easy women. Once married, sexual availability for our massive appetites. And we'd totally return the favor, too even if we didn't feel up to it (especially if you guilt us, we're easy putty to guilt trips). Before marriage, I strongly suggest avoiding sex as that will become your main value to him if that is what drew him into marrying you in the first place because you gave it to him before the marriage.

After marriage, if you didn't have sex before it, then sex will become a sort of seal of your relationship. Your union as a couple made physical. In addition to the whole massive sexual drive men have. Bit of a mood killer sentence, but it's true.

[–]mairymb0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

How is it possible to have no sex without marriage in this day and age ? I’m genuinely asking. I feel like most men that are high value wouldn’t go for it, maybe if I was 18 and a virgin but at 27 I don’t think I can ask for that from a man.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I abstain from sex and I'm still a virgin because I'm not married even though I'm a little older than you and several of my friends and cousins are married. I have experience with people as people and with the sort of women who proved I was very right to keep it in my pants. It is a choice. Like saying no to drugs and for disturbingly similar reasons.

Good men do accept it if a woman has had sex with a few men before him. If it's just a few, it implies that while she made the mistake of not understanding the value of her virginity as a bond in a relationship, she most likely only slept with men she truly felt strongly about in a deep way rather than the usual crush that is mistaken for love. And that's something a good man can respect and means sex keeps its symbolic meaning as it hasn't been cheapened to just pleasure. Although, with the sex-drive I, well, it's still special if it's you?

Speaking of crushes and love, take it from me and my experiences and watching the people in my life and the wisdom gained from their painful mistakes: age does not mean crushes do not happen. Love is a warm, subtle, determined thing entwined with devotion. Like breaking your man out of a police car or helping him bury a body yet thinking no less of him for it kind of devotion. What most people think is love is merely a crush. Love is not a rush, it is not in your face, it does not dominate your thoughts. It is simply there, present, and a strong wall to rest upon.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Some men will respect that. And no sex often doesn't mean no fooling around - it just means no PIV.

[–]luckyme13154 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No one is irreplaceable so you’d have to lose that word from your vocabulary. I think the bottom line is, what are you bringing of value to the relationship to make your partner’s life better? everyone has different needs in that aspect. If you’re not making his life better he won’t be sticking around.

If I look at my marriage, I make more money than my husband so I bring him a better quality of life and no stress about being with some chick who will drain his finances. He brings me someone intelligent and dependable who always has my back, whom I can turn to every time I need advice or help and I always know he has my best interests at heart and won’t yell at me or put me down. This is worth way more to me than someone who makes bank because I make my own bank. KWIM? This is just a very quick take on it, we enrich each other’s lives so much more than what I just wrote about 🙂 it’s just an example of perceived value.

[–]cassandrarose391 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was able to stand out because of the way I was living my life. Very wholesome, stay home if I wasn’t at school or work, spent my free time with my kids (I was a single mom), I didn’t drink or do drugs, I didn’t spend my time at the club or had friends who spent their time there, I went to church twice sometimes three times a week, I cooked a lot, and I really believed in the whole proverbs 31 or Ephesians wife. I mean I was pretty obsessed about it before my husband.

This worked for me because we live in a very feminist time and I offered something different. That sets me apart.

I didn’t do anything special during the first date. I wore a dress and was too nervous to talk a lot. I thought I wouldn’t see him again but he called back after the first date. We went on an intense hike up a very long and steep mountain for our second date. We both were in great shape at the time. I think this showed him I could keep up with him physically. Next we did a swim at the ymca date. But these dates helped loosen us both up and see how we both behave in action. It also took off the pressure to just stare at each other trying to find things to talk about the whole time.

My husband said he was just looking for a woman to love him and someone who could be a good mom. He loves it when I cook for him, when I don’t nag, when I provide sex for him, and coming home to a clean house. He’s pretty simple. He said he could never trade me in because our history is special and he wouldn’t ever have that with someone new. Him and I have weathered some severe life storms together.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Honestly, I'd say being a pseudo-traditional wife with a part-time job or some sort of work-from-home job would be your best bet. Ask yourself why a man should even bother marrying you. Is there anything you would consistently do to make his life easier and more comfortable? When he comes home from work is his life not really any different than if he lived alone and just hired prostitutes or kept sex friends?

Being pretty and having a good personality are important (though what pretty and personality are to a man differs between men subjectively). However, what attracts a man for a real relationship is what you offer as part of a family unit. A man is going to have an income and he can do his own house-keeping and he can accept not having children though he often would very much like to have children of his own. Being pretty and having a good personality make living with you easy from an eyes and ears perspective. You aren't hard to look at and not killing brain cells by listening to you.

That doesn't sound like something a relationship can be built on, though, and it isn't. What do you actually bring to the family? Are you going to be a second income source along with the expenses your presence and any children bring in? If so, he has no reason to marry you. He can live comfortably on his own with just his own income. If not, he could easily be using you for money. What do you bring that makes the man's life easier and more comfortable to be worth the extra expense and the usual difficulties in life marriage always brings.

If you're both working and then you both come home and share the house work and child-rearing, then why did he bother marrying you? If you both were single you'd both be doing your own house work anyway and probably less of it as it wouldn't be double the people and without the extra work of child care (assuming you both want children).

Are you going to raise the children or will he or are you going to give them to daycare and then public/private schools to raise your children instead if you're both working full-time? If the parents won't raise their own children, why should he marry you? If he is a stay-at-home dad and raises the kids, the vast majority of men would feel deeply unhappy and stressed as men have a strong instinctive urge to go out and work and little in the way of nurturing instincts. So, depression.

If you are a traditional wife, though, he comes home to a home without needing to do even more work (except maybe mowing and trimming or some other physical thing which he'd generally get endorphins from anyway), good homemade food instead of buying bagged chicken from Publix or fastfood, children actually being raised by their family instead of strangers and with their parents' values, sex (very important, men get stressed easily without easy access to sex, there's a reason prostitution is so profitable), and the deep satisfaction of providing for and protecting his family which men's instincts are very strongly geared towards. Not to mention receiving respect and affection from a woman who has, through her familial work, earned his admiration and respect and shared devotion to each other. This is stuff he can never achieve or have on his own. ONLY through a strong and healthy marriage to you.

What do you get out of this? You get the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want without being weighed down by work and stress, something your man would love to have but would rather give to you because he knows he cannot have it for himself and he wants you to be happy. You get the satisfaction of watching your children grow and knowing it is you who made them into the men and women they one day become and the happiness of spending so much time with them in their lives. You get the warm, true happiness of looking at your husband and children and what kind of family they are and their own happiness and knowing that you are the one who made them that way. You get the postcard family. But, it's real.

[–]fuckyouredditx22 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Beauty is cheap, it's everywhere. To answer your question...... if you have to even ask that, you're not that girl.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Not really, most women are not beautiful or even all that pretty and they tend to be high maintenance and expensive in effort, gifts, and more. There is a reason why modern men commonly view hiring attractive prostitutes as cheaper and easier than dating a pretty woman. Well, that and there is no risk of being divorced with the woman taking half of everything he had before marrying plus the children just because she didn't like no longer being independent and realized married life changed everything.

[–]fuckyouredditx20 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

It's not just that, men are an island...not because we want to be, you find out quickly that even if you flake out for a second and open up..... it will eventually be used against you. I get it because I'm between red and purple pill because knowing most women's true nature is the adult equivalent of finding out Santa isn't real. I'm too drunk on a Sunday with work in the morning to go in too deep but what I will say is this.... I wish I didn't have to be such a prick to not be alone. I learned to be one FYI, didn't want to be. Genuinely didn't want to be.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well, it kind of deviates from the topic, but I think you need to understand that it isn't so much that women have an inherently negative nature, it's that men accept their own nature, acknowledge it, face it, and overcome the negative parts of it and strengthen the positives. That is the path from boyhood to manhood. Women do not because they never needed to because their negative natures has always been suppressed by social structures. Social structures that began being torn down in the twenties and are nearing their complete dissolution. As such, women have never really had to grow from being girls to being women in anything but number of years (and leaving virginity status in many cultures).

The result is that girls are growing older, but they're not growing up and those negative natures that had been suppressed through social and familial discipline are now running rampant. This is combined with modern feminism actively attacking and shamming the positive parts of women such as femininity and nurturing, dedicated motherhood.

The result of that is women-girls running around holding their sex's negative natures as some sort of ideals to throw around and demonizing their sex's positive natures as oppressive and "tools of the patriarchy".

[–]fuckyouredditx20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't disagree but the bottom line is that the damage has been done.

[–]NextForever0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What makes you different?

If I wasn’t for my dedication to cello/surfing/comedy, I’d extremely replaceable of a man. There a nearly infinite guys with more attraction, but my art hopefully renders some intangible value.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

What do you do for a man that he won't get from another woman?

I always thought that being pretty and having a nice personality was all that I needed to find someone.

Plenty of that around.

I’m 27

And approaching the wall

How to truly be irreplaceable to a man without being a doormat.

Submissive =/= doormat. Learn the difference.

How can I show my worth on those first dates ?

Put him first. Care about who he is and what he does. Honestly care. Take yourself out of the equation, and LISTEN to him. When asking him something, listen to the response, and do NOT interrupt when he's speaking. Wait for him to finish.

One of the biggest things my wife does is, when she asks my opinion on something, she shuts up until I'm done, not just when I stop to pause/breathe. Because men formulate their opinions; they don't just talk to relate to others like women do. If you ask his opinion, he's going to put effort into it. And if you reward him for it, if you really listen and give him time to think and speak, he'll probably marry you for it.

Because the majority of modern dating women are self-centered and narcissistic. If you truly, demonstrably aren't, you'll get him.

[–]Glassland0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

As another guy, I condone this.

Life can be hard for anyone, but if you work 40h + every week and have a lot of other responsibilities, it's great to have a wife at home that you know will care for you and your kids.

In turn we want to provide and protect you. It's a great symbiotic relationship and it worked for thousands of years and still works well, but only if both parties agree on those terms and keep them.

[–]fuggedabuddy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can’t teach a female how to cultivate sexual tension, but that’s what a first date needs. Not a whole lot. Just enough to make the guy really want to see you again. Personally, I know I always got further when I let myself get a little cheeky and funny with conversation

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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