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How to handle intimacy changes due to Covid-19 at my man's request

May 17, 2020
18 upvotes

(Disclaimers: First, this is not a post about the lockdown measures imposed by state governments, the politicization of the pandemic, or the question of reopening. I'm specifically asking about the effect of this virus on my relationship, and how to handle it. So please refrain from any political comments or comments about what the government is doing.

Second, I imagine several of you have husbands who are out of work, who may be on the verge of losing their businesses. I imagine several of you have relatives -- or God forbid your own Captains -- who have been incapacitated by the virus. I'm not blind to the fact that my boyfriend and I are both young and healthy, that many more people have been much more severely affected by the virus and its externalities than we have. If this change really isn't something I should be stressing over, please tell me that too.)

My boyfriend and I have been together for ~9 months, and we love each other. The last time we saw each other "normally" before things got serious in our state (e.g. lockdowns began) was in mid-March. Since then, I have been at his place one time (toward the end of March) because he lives with his father at the moment, and they both have been vigilant about not allowing anybody else at the house. Both of them have been able to return to work safely as of the second week of May. We're still seeing each other on the weekends, like clockwork -- just in my part of town, or at an outdoor midpoint we can both get to such as a state park. And fortunately, no one in either of our social circles has tested positive, and neither have we.

The main struggle I'm having is this: Since mid-March, at his request, we have not kissed on the lips/made out. Our intimacy has not gone past hugging or cuddling, and even then it's not prolonged. Keep in mind, we had not gone past making out ever in our relationship, mainly because both of us have been moving slowly for our own reasons. I am big on giving and receiving physical touch, particularly through physical intimacy, so to have this part of our relationship almost disappear for two months has been really hard for me. I know he's having a hard time too for the same reason, but every time I've asked him what he thinks, he's stated that he doesn't like having this boundary, but he hasn't changed his mind.

My question is: I've never once nagged him or tried to manipulate him into changing his mind about this. I know he's just using his judgment to try and keep me safe, since he's told me that he's more worried about spreading the virus to me (his county has way more cases than mine). I've known him for almost a year before we got together, and I do trust him: He's not abusive or controlling or on some power trip by shutting kissing down. And I know that once things calm down, and he feels we're both safe enough, our physical intimacy will come back with a fury. But I've never been in a healthy LTR for this long. So I've never really had a relationship before where I have to trust a man unconditionally with a temporary change that (1) I'm chafing against like crazy, and (2) don't how long I'll have to go along with. This, I think, is the root of the issue. As a RPW, what should I do?

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Post Information
Title How to handle intimacy changes due to Covid-19 at my man's request
Author amadexodus
Upvotes 18
Comments 29
Date May 17, 2020 2:59 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-handle-intimacy-changes-due-to-covid-19-at.665205
https://theredarchive.com/post/665205
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/gl7zc6/how_to_handle_intimacy_changes_due_to_covid19_at/
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Comments

[–]solsticio2123 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If it is something you feel so strongly about that you made a reddit post, then I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about how you feel. A captain is going to lead with his crew’s interest in mind - let him know what yours are.

[–]eatavacado7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m going through the same thing, only my boyfriend is refusing that we see each other due to the virus spreading airborne. My love language is touch and it was just as painful going from physical intimacy to not even seeing each other. I was asking the same questions, and I was acting out periodically by getting very emotional when he didn’t have time to call me or I just started feeling super lonely.

After us having some conversations about it, and through praying for help, I realized that the reason no-touch is so hard for me is because touch makes me feel safe. And that LDR was hard because I let it make me feel not safe.

I consciously decided to let go of a that feeling, because I know in my heart that this distance doesn’t change our love for each other, and with that, I’m just as safe now as I would be if we could be physically intimidate.

I hope this helps. Moral of the story, the way you feel is within your own control. Figure out why LDR feels hard for you, and go from there in finding a solution. Since finding mine I’ve been much less stressed and freely loving him and our relationship despite the temporary long distance.

Edit: typo

[–]lavachequirie22 points23 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Covid can be spread by touching surfaces. If he breathes on you, you can get it. If he breathes on anything in your house, you can get it. Unless you’re maintaining 2 meters of physical distance at all times in a public place, you’re at risk. If you’ve been cuddling, you might as well kiss too.

I’d suggest finding a way to try to explain this to him, that not kissing doesn’t lower the risk of transmission if you’re cuddling. If he still doesn’t want to, fine. Never bring it up again and respect his final decision.

You shouldn’t bring something up multiple times like you said you did, because that counts as nagging even if you’re just asking. You’re repeatedly questioning his judgement and communication skills. If he changed his mind, he would tell you. You have to trust him to communicate that to you.

[–]HappilyMrs2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I would say that kissing is still more risk than Just cuddling though. But yes, cuddling and being under 2m is a definite risk.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Based on what science? It's an airborne disease. I could just as easily say the opposite, that the risk is exactly the same whether they kiss or cuddle.

[–]HappilyMrs1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Amount of contact with each other's breath, and saliva

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]HappilyMrs1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm just not in favour of adding any extra contact and risk where it can be avoided. With an "outside of the home" contact, that's staying 2m away

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol I told the same thing to my boyfriend and we only lasted few days from not kissing. Can't keep our hands to ourselves 😂 Like 2 months is too long. There is something going on in his mind or he is really extremely paranoid.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]Sailoress71 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I got the same impression. I feel that his concerns sound less about OP’s safety and more for some other reason. I’m all about respecting boundaries and not nagging your captain, but when one partner’s love language needs are deliberately not being met (and with very weak reasoning to justify), this needs to be addressed.

[–]ny-lady4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Is something else going on with him? You're already being exposed being less that 6 ft from each other.

Hugging you and being within 6ft exposes you just as much as kissing would. I dont understand his line of thinking.

[–]pm_me_old_maps2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Is he afraid of getting it and giving to his father? Or is he afraid just for himself?

[–]thesillymachine9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This is a good question.

Frankly, he's being paranoid and buying into the fear that the media has been shoving down everyone's throat. Unless I'm missing info where one or both of y'all are obese, you should have no issues sharing a kiss and hug. He can't reasonably expect you to not kiss him for months on end, even a year or longer. I commend you for going as long as you have and for the level of respect that you've been showing him. Good job!

If he understands how you feel and still insists on the no-kiss/hug policy, ask him how long does he anticipate it to last. What exact guidelines is he going off of? Is it purely what makes him feel safe, his emotions, or is he basing his decision off facts? Is he deducing or listening to other people?

Your action will depend on the answers. I would not want to continue a relationship with someone who's paranoid. I would not want to continue a relationship with someone who easily believes what others say. I would want to be with an intelligent, healthy person who questions just about everything and verifies information before drawing to conclusion and especially before making a decision that involves or affects other people.

[–]sanasigma0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with this statement 💯

[–]1ovewaters1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

you're still seeing each other but not kissing? i don't understand meeting but not distancing at all apart from kissing, this makes no sense to me

[–]balladwilds1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

But you guys are hugging right ? isn't it the same.. i would ask him about it

[–]baby--bunny3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think everyone is handling things differently. I have family who are taking many more precautions than me, even though I am pregnant and this is quite a scary time for me. I have family members who are higher risk and have decided to take less precautions than me. My fiance and I are the only two members in our household, so we've decided what precautions we feel are reasonable, where we can have a little wiggle room. I have had people try to change the way we were doing things one way or another, wanting me to be more or less cautious. I feel like that is incredibly disrespectful honestly, given the times we live in. Boyfriend, family, whoever, don't bother someone to go against safety measures in the midst of a pandemic ffs.

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars3 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I know he's having a hard time too for the same reason, but every time I've asked him what he thinks, he's stated that he doesn't like having this boundary, but he hasn't changed his mind.

I've never once nagged him or tried to manipulate him into changing his mind about this.

Something doesn’t add up here....

You won’t die if you don’t get a kiss for another couple of months, but you’ll kill your relationship if you don’t drop this issue.

[–]amadexodus3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I’m not sure what’s unclear — is politely asking him every couple of weeks what he thinks and if we should still continue with this boundary considered nagging?

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes.

[–]amadexodus3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sounds like this is a good example of STFU even when it’s hard. I’ve got the message. And thanks for being so prompt!

[–]EnemyAsmodeus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm actually more surprised about this whole thread.

It's one thing to socially distance and not be with friends or with different partners etc. But if you and he are in an LTR, I don't see that as being a social distance situation, unless one of you is an ER doctor.

Just talking to each other face-to-face can spread the virus like viral smoke coming from your mouth. Just eating together can spread the virus. If you're both safe, isolated, quarantining, then you two can be physical.

A choir group has spread the virus to everyone by singing. A night club in South Korea has spread the virus.

This is why the point of social distancing and closure of businesses/parks has been to reduce collective gathering. But if you're just meeting boyfriend/girlfriend and solely the same partner?

Are either of you immunocompromised, obese, old (65+) or work in an emergency room?

Yes, I know, I know, I know... LTRs have spread STDs because of lack of condom etc., because people made the mistake of assuming their partner was honest, noble, or not that sexually active in the past...

But there is a general risk to all actions. Most people who catch the virus, despite being safe, will likely catch it at the grocery store or at a pandemic protest lol.

I'm alone and not dating at the moment due to pandemic, but if you are already in an LTR from before...

I, as a guy would be nagging my girlfriend if she was refusing to touch or kiss or meet face-to-face etc. Assuming that I already know she practices safe distancing, wears masks in public, etc.

[–]Ari3n3tt31 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

lack of physical intimacy is a lot more important than people think it is. Sex is a basic human need and intimacy feeds into that.

You shouldn't just STFU over basic needs not being met

[–]baby--bunny1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes physically intimacy is important. That does not mean you should ignore the safety precautions put in place by every major health organization, ignore your partner's safety and comfort, and go making out with some dude during a global pandemic. Wtf lol

[–]Ari3n3tt33 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

it's not just some dude, it's OPs boyfriend who she already been spending time with. The virus transfers through breathing, not kissing.

not that that's relevant anyway, I didn't suggest anyone should ignore safety precautions. My issue is with a comment suggesting that OP is overreacting which she isn't.

physical intimacy is important and her concerns are valid

[–]baby--bunny0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

They're not in the same household, he's basically just some dude, or should be treated as such rn.

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

First, it’s unclear from OPs post if they are currently engaging in hugging and cuddling. She says they meet up in her part of town or an outdoor spot like a park. Are they having intimate cuddles in public places? If so, why?

Second, kissing is the extent of their physical intimacy. It sounds like all they’ve done at ~9 months is hold hand, cuddle, hug, and kiss.

OP has no right to demand he kiss her, just like the BF has no right to demand OP have sex with him. If OP needs to make out with someone so badly, then I’m sure she can find someone else to make out with. If she wants to stay with her current BF then she needs to STFU and respect his boundary.

If we were talking about a married couple that lived together, I’d have a different answer. But, instead we’re talking about a couple that has been together for 9 months and generally does not engage in a wide range of physical touch.

OP can certainly put her foot down and demand he kiss her or else, but I think that’s just going to scare him away and end the relationship. Even if it doesn’t, it certainly does set them up on a successful RP path.

[–]jininxica0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

talk to him about it. and honestly id make sure to even state something like "We can even wash/scrub our faces beforehand and after"

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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