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I (32F) moved in with my boyfriend (44M) with the understanding that we would get engaged shortly after. He’s now decided he no longer wants to get married. Do not move in with someone before there’s a ring on your finger.

LookingForEquanimity
October 27, 2020
162 upvotes
/r/RedPillWomen

I will never move in with someone before marriage ever again and wish I had followed that particular redpillwomen advice and am sorry I didn’t.

If you’re thinking of moving in with your boyfriend before marriage I would strongly caution against doing so. Even if you have had a conversation that you’ll get engaged shortly after I’d wait until there’s a ring on your finger and a date set. Or you could end up in the situation I am in where breaking up is harder and more painful than it needs to be. Please learn from me.

In the meantime, any advice on how to navigate my limbo-ness while I look for a new place and move out? Has anyone here gone through this? How did you handle it? I should also mention my boyfriend has two teenage children from a previous marriage that ended 7 years ago so I am currently living with them too.

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Title I (32F) moved in with my boyfriend (44M) with the understanding that we would get engaged shortly after. He’s now decided he no longer wants to get married. Do not move in with someone before there’s a ring on your finger.
Author LookingForEquanimity
Upvotes 162
Comments 69
Date October 27, 2020 8:30 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-32f-moved-in-with-my-boyfriend-44m-with-the.327552
https://theredarchive.com/post/327552
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/jj9898/i_32f_moved_in_with_my_boyfriend_44m_with_the/
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Comments

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]NikoMyshkin7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

> there are some studies that show people are more likely to get divorced if they move in with each other before marriage

can you link to some? they sound interesting.

[–]tropicislandexplorer24 points25 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

My immediate thought was that he must be divorced(has kids), went through all that trauma, and is hesitant to sign another contract. At best, we all have a 50/50 chance of marriage working out, it takes some nerve to put your life savings on the blackjack table.

[–]Schlag9617 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Second marriages are something like 75% divorce

[–]Salsaxat118 points119 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Boyfriends (and fiancés) don't get husband privileges.. a good rule to live by. Im sorry this happened to you :/

[–]Blackhawk24791 Star20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was with one of my exes for six years, and we broke up about nine months after moving in together as it just wasn't working out after that. I am thankful we'd not got married because that would have been a much worse situation for me to have extricated myself from.

Whilst I am pleased you have personal rules to live by, and the integrity to not compromise on them, I don't think it hurts to be aware of the flipside; of men's potential motivations for not wanting to commit before cohabiting.

They are not all bad guys, and not every one showing an unwillingness to marry a woman without the full compatibility test of living together beforehand is motivated by not wanting to settle down.

[–]Emervila14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Very good advice in general. Just an addition, make sure you distinguish between discussing/agreeing about engagement and PLANNING the event. What you want to have is the actual plan which is more than just a date or ring, if you are planning which is preparing to marry then yes, cohabitation has green light otherwise proceed at your own risk ,

In regards of your situation depends on where the relationship currently is and where it's heading to... if is not moving forward or reaching where you want it to be and he does not want to invest himself into it, then better jump from that boat early

[–]LookingForEquanimity4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s a good point.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes it seems like a let down, however this gives you a look into what the marriage would look like if you had not moved in. Blessing in disguise.

[–]LookingForEquanimity4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. I will try to keep that perspective on my new journey.

[–]alittlebitholywater3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My good friend dated a man for 13 years. Moved in with him TWICE in those 13 years. After the first time she said she wouldn’t move in with him again without a ring. She went ahead and did it anyway and the poor guy was basically forced into proposing to her when her family told him if he wasn’t going to be using the family ring soon they’d be putting it in storage. You dodged a bullet. You don’t want someone who doesn’t genuinely want to marry you.

[–][deleted]  (13 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]LookingForEquanimity29 points30 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yea I mean we have talked about this on and off for a couple of months now so it isn’t something that’s happening quickly.
He has said that he doesn’t feel our personalities are compatible to have a successful marriage and I really think I should just respect his decision.
Not everyone has to get married but it’s important to me and I’d like to be with someone who does think we are compatible and would be excited about spending their life with me.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]LookingForEquanimity17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks. Perhaps I came off a little heated in my post because my personality hasn’t changed since I moved in so I feel I should have been made aware of this concern before I moved in.

[–]i_cri_evry_tim1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe it is something he has discovered while living together. Even when we don’t feel our personalities change, the people we are out on the street and the people we are at home are not the same.

Not saying anyone is putting up a front. Just saying that seeing somebody while both have their own space/refuge and living together are completely separate experiences.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

This just isn't supported by the evidence. Studies show that even when controlling for variables such as religion, couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced. Now, you can split these cohabiting couples into four groups by motivation.

  1. Substitute for marriage (they plan to never get married & live as people committed without it)

  2. Path to marriage (already engaged or have definite plans, and just moving in a bit before)

  3. Convenience (often not very intentional: living together for cheaper rent, or to be closer, etc.)

  4. Test for marriage (to understand each other's habits & see if they want to get married)

Groups 1 and 2 have near identical rates of divorce (or break-up, in the case of Group 1) with the control population. Groups 3 and 4 have way higher rates of divorce. The reasons to live together that you seemed to have described fit into the fourth category.

[–]TwelthGate7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

But that doesnt mean that they got divorced because they move in together. It sounds more like they got divorced because they slid into marriage carelessly.

It could also be that people who don't live together before marriage are religious and therefore really dont believe in divorce. This could be skewing the figures too.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Of course it doesn't. That's why I specifically said in my comment that two of the four groups have a higher likelihood due to their motivations...

No.. I specifically said in my comment that the research I've read isolates out religion as a factor, and then categorizes the subjects due to motivations.

[–]TwelthGate1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It just sounds like group 3 might slide into marriage without giving it a lot of thought.

I also dont know what they mean by controlling for marriage. How precise are the controls? Do they distinguish between, say, someone who goes to church but is generally part of mainstream culture, and someone who believes in abstinence until marriage?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes. That's the general assessment of group 3...

I don't remember. I reached out to an old university professor for pointers to the articles, but it's been a few years since I took her class & I'm no longer a student, so we'll see if she answers.

[–]csbg4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Source? :) & geographic location of said studies?*

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

...so choosing to move in together isn't what causes divorce. And therefore telling people to just not move in together until married isn't the answer to them minimizing chances of getting divorced. They just shouldn't get married until they're at the point of marriage, regardless of their living situation.

[–]alittlebitholywater-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This study is outdated. My priest gave it to me during our pre-marriage sessions.

[–]tradkitty2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Amen. Thank you for your wisdom.

[–]nocreativity7292 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Y’all. I don’t understand why you keep doing this... my moms been telling me this since I was literally 5 years old. And yet women keep moving in begging for a ring. Just stop. It’s insanity. Good for you OP, lesson learned!! Keep your head up. Go back to what you used to do, and life will work itself out. This happened to my sister. She ended up going to grad school. Life keeps moving.

[–]LookingForEquanimity4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m not begging, I’m leaving. And this is the first man I ever lived with and we had a conversation about marriage before I moved in to which he said he had no doubts and we would get engaged shortly after. I will absolutely keep my head up and life will work itself out I truly believe that! Thanks for that.

[–]idnthaveausernam32 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Girl he's 44. Has he ever been married before? There is likely a reason why he's not been married at the grand old age of 44.

This is why I don't like the advice on this sub about 'going for older men'. People usually know what they want in life by the time they turn 35. If a man (or a woman) has been actively avoiding marriage and starting a family beyond that age then he's probably a commitment phobe. He's probably deliberately dating women much younger than himself and has been doing so for some time because he doesn't want to be tied down with a family of his own. Of course he can't do this for much longer because women a decade younger than him are at an age where they are either already raising kids or actively starting a family.

Of course there are exceptions to this rule, if you happen to fall for an older man don't rule him out completely just because he's older than you if things seem to be working. There might be other reasons why someone was drifting for so long, maybe they were sick, maybe they were caring for a loved one, maybe they are a little eccentric socially and mentally and have problems relating to most people and if you actually relate to them that's great.

My advice is just to be wary.

[–]blueberrypanda14 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Breaking up when you live together is really hard, and especially after you’re quite committed emotionally and expect to spend your lives together. Did he explain to you what changed to make him say that? I would try and figure that out. Stay strong and you will find another man who is so happy to take the next step with you and so glad that this guy blew his chances. There are a lot of good men who are trying hard to find good women.

I would add it depends of course on the man. My sister followed that advice before she got engaged to her now husband and it worked for her. My fiancée proposed to me 8 months after we moved in together and we are planning our wedding. If I had pushed him to propose to me before we moved in together it would have been stressful for us both, this way it happened naturally. So I think every situation is different and I think you will find someone better who doesn’t start to have second thoughts.

[–]ManguZa1 Star4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Better than moving in after getting married, seeing that you're not compatible at that time and getting divorce.

[–][deleted]  (25 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]LookingForEquanimity11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I honestly cannot imagine living with someone that long without a greater commitment. Everyone is different though.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

3+ years....?

[–][deleted]  (5 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]golden_eyed_cat10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I wouldn't necessarily call your marriage "rock solid" if you post on an affairs subreddit, looking for a partner to cheat on your wife with, as well as participate in r/deadbedrooms .

[–]MrsChiliad12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If we’re gonna talk about anecdotal evidence, I can cite countless couples I know who only moved in together after getting married and have rock solid relationships.

[–]golden_eyed_cat7 points8 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Everyone has a different take on this issue! Personally, I'd like to fully cohabitate with my boyfriend once we get engaged, so that we will be absolutely sure that we're a good match, since cohabitating earlier can come with several risks.

When a man gets all of the "wife priveledges" without taking any "husband responsibilities", he will have a lot less reasons to marry you. After all, why should he risk having to go through divorce or getting tied down to an older woman in 20-40 years, when he's getting all of the benefits (sex, cheaper costs of living, having your significant other with you every day, having to do less chores) of it for free?

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link

[removed]

[–]golden_eyed_cat6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

A dead bedroom can happen at any age or stage of the relationship, which was shown quite well by the posts at that subreddit. Of course, if you want to cohabitate with a boyfriend before getting married or engaged, nobody's going to stop you! However, most women here, including me, would advise you not to do so until you know that you are willing and planning, or have committed to spending the rest of your lives with each other.

[–]tropicislandexplorer-1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

But by withholding "wife privileges" you're risking a man leaving and getting them elsewhere. There are plenty of women out there who don't consider those thing "wife priviledges".

[–]golden_eyed_cat9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Although I agree with you, having a man leave you because you don't want to cohabitate before marriage appears on the table is a lot easier than breaking up with him because he doesn't want to commit to you long-term. In the first case, you "only" have to deal with heartbreak, whereas in the second instance, you have to manage heartbreak, finding a new place to live, moving out, as well as dealimg with the fact that you've likely wasted several months or perhaps even years on a man that was not willing to marry you.

[–]golden_eyed_cat5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Although I agree with you, having a man leave you because you don't want to cohabitate before marriage appears on the table is a lot easier than breaking up with him because he doesn't want to commit to you long-term. In the first case, you "only" have to deal with heartbreak, whereas in the second instance, you have to manage heartbreak, finding a new place to live, moving out, as well as dealing with the fact that you've likely wasted several months or perhaps even years on a man that was not willing to marry you.

[–]Nandemodekiru11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well then define wife privileges, sir. What’s the point of getting married if you don’t have to get anything from her? Then again, Mr. MGTOW, you don’t want to get married and don’t intend to, so one can already guess your answer. May I ask why you’re here?

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well OP gave him everything and clearly didn't work for her, did it.

Giving a boyfriend everything he asks for will keep you a boyfriend. It's been shown over and over and over that treating a boyfriend like a husband often leads to complacency on his part and turns you into a forever girlfriend.

[–]ohisama0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What are the husband responsibilities you are referring to and why wouldn't he have any?

[–]takisntortillachips7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

To each her own. Boyfriends don’t get husband privileges though.

[–]MirriMazDuur3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Do you have no close friends who could accomodate you? Also I am so sorry that the man ended up a douche bag! Try to care less about him as he does not care about you

[–]LookingForEquanimity17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He really isn’t a douchebag. He’s actually a really nice man and has been a good respectful partner. But he just doesn’t think we are compatible anymore.

[–]tropicislandexplorer24 points25 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

The guy has every right to change his mind, just like she does.

[–]rosesonthefloor35 points36 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Everyone has a right to change their mind.

Getting someone to change their behavior based on a promise you made them and then changing your mind when they’ve held up their end of the bargain is a bad look.

[–]MirriMazDuur6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Ofc he does, but breaking a promise still makes him a douchebag

[–]tropicislandexplorer24 points25 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If he lied to her about wanting to get married, just so she would move in, then he's a douche bag. But if he changed his mind, it's sad, but better to let her know now, than marrying her when he's unsure, and they end up not working out and going through a painful divorce.

[–]Brandonxxxi0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s a somewhat good advice for women to follow, but the reasoning doesn’t make sense. Why does he not want to engage anymore? I see all this talk, but no explanation why he chose that, but rather just exit strategy from you and your reaction. It’s not normal for somebody to suddenly not want to marry anymore.

[–]LookingForEquanimity0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

He just said that he changed his mind and thinks our personalities won’t match to hold up a successful marriage. It’s disappointing because it’s true we don’t have the same personality but I liked that and it was obvious before moving in together. But he has decided we are no longer compatible enough. So I think the only thing left is to pull an exit strategy because I can’t continue to live with someone that doesn’t see a future with me. If there is an alternative and a way to make it better I just don’t see it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do you have any close friends or family nearby that you could move-in with while you find a new place to live? That could be helpful to create distance.

[–]canijustsaydj0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have a question? Is it not a smart idea to move in with your bf to find if you can stand living with each other? New here. Sorry this happened to you, I'm just figuring out how to make this practical? My mum said to live with a man for 5 years to figure out if he was a good LTR fit

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]LookingForEquanimity13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well yea duh. I’m definitely not going to stay. I’m currently looking for a new place.

[–]ShimmeringGlimmering-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What are your options that you have for another place? Do you have family nearby? I would sign a short term lease or even do a corporate apartment while trying to find my long term place before staying in anymore limbo.

I know that sounds rough and inconvenient and may be more expensive in the short term, but your time is precious and getting out ASAP will help the healing process.

Also with you moving out - get out EVERYTHING and go No Contact ASAP. There is an 8 week window where a man can still change his mind and want you back if he is in limbo - but he has to miss you.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[removed]

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Men's questions are not permitted

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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