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I am a 22(F) homemaker who cups really use some encouragement, opinions, and advice.

May 5, 2021

I’ll start with a brief introduction to myself, as this is my first post on this page. I am a 22-year-old female, married to my high school sweetheart 24-year-old male. We’ve been together for 8 years. We have an incredibly happy marriage. He works long hours in a very well-paying labor job, and I stay at home. We made the decision for me to stay home together when I was 19 and working a job that I hated. I was being mistreated there, and I always came home exhausted and upset. I also have moderate anxiety issues. Since deciding to stay home, our marriage and life in general has never been better. We’re both happy. We do not have children yet, but we want biological children and we are also planning on fostering. (please do not give advice on regards to us starting a family, as this is not the issue at hand)

As of late, some things have me feeling incredibly hurt. Many people in my life have begun sharing their opinions about me and my decision to be a homemaker. Comments along these lines are what have me in my head the most: -“What do you even do all day, you don’t even have children.” -“It‘s not fair for your husband to have to bring in all of the monetary value.” -“You’re so lazy.”

I want to be clear about what my life with my husband looks like. He doesn’t have to lift a finger in this home. He works so hard, and I am so appreciative. I do everything in the home, the house is always spotless, and I actually really enjoy it. Because of people’s comments I’ve felt so guilty lately. I do have a decent amount of free time to spend with my mother, and to pursue my hobbies. My husband knows this, and encourages every bit of it. He’s the kindest man I’ve ever known. I just cannot seem to stop being so mean to myself, and I needed the support and advice of other women.

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Post Information
Title I am a 22(F) homemaker who cups really use some encouragement, opinions, and advice.
Author Past_Objective_7814
Upvotes 111
Comments 37
Date May 5, 2021 3:08 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–][deleted] 60 points61 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Probably not RP approved advice (just dropping by the sub) but

I ask them how's it feel to have most your labour value pocketed by a faceless corporation, and to have given all your energy to your boss's boss's family instead of your own working husband.

Learned that one from my communist stay at home mom, bless her crazy ass lol.

[–]hstar23 36 points37 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You’re living the dream life of many of these women who speak negatively about you. Don’t let it bother you. Thank the heavens for your blessing and use your time to further develop yourself in the areas you desire and remain an exceptional wife to your husband 💕

[–]HappilyMrs 92 points93 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I had this a great deal at the end of maternity leave when all the other mums had to return to work and I stayed home.

It's not easy, but sometimes turning it around with "I know, I am so lucky!" can help. Or tell them that it's rude to comment on people's lives like that, and you would never criticise their own choices.

Realistically, you have to let their comments roll off you like water off a duck's back. You are happy, your husband is happy, your future kids will be happy.

The goal in life is not to work a crappy job for a crappy employer to avoid the crappy opinions of people who claim to care about you.

[–]Past_Objective_7814 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you, I really appreciate your words!

[–]HappilyMrs 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're welcome. I love my SAH life. I have peace that I wouldn't have in a job, and that's important to me.

[–]stripedtanker 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I 100% agree. You will always have people mad at you or judge you. If you and your husband are happy, that's all that matters. Everyone's world view is different.

Please do not let the people outside make you feel insecure, which then makes you come off as insecure to your husband, which then makes him feel there's something wrong and ultimately have the relationship get damaged.

And let's be honest everyone wishes they didn't have to be bossed around by others at work.

And also having some canned responses in hand like , I know I got really lucky, will really throw these haters into a loop 😄

[–]1987dd1987 20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When they say those things it’s about themselves and how they feel about their own choices. People are rarely being objective enough to actually be commenting on you and your situation. We get so caught up in our own stuff and accidentally put that on other people

[–]PrincessaRusalka 14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oof. I remember how I got yelled at by a female grad student for not having a job! That really stuck with me, all my teachers in school were very pro “women working” as well. Red pill made me see that for the first time actually. Work is a personal choice.

I don’t know how so many women work for so long and then live to 80, it’s just not in my DNA. I also quit my job due to the work environment and it just wasn’t worth it health wise. In America you are worked over while other countries may give you less work according to your situation (at least that’s what I heard in France). Right now I’m building my skills for any gigs I may get through the internet. I have my own portfolio website that’s pretty much all my clients care about.

[–]stripedtanker 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

They mad they have to work.

[–]PrincessaRusalka 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Until my brother told me that I didn’t realize it! The resentment is real.

[–]sunlazurine 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Girl, you are literally living the perfect husband and wife life. If me or my husband can make enough money to support the wholefamily, we would happily let one stay at home and do housework. It's frustrating when both of us come after work looking at laundries and dirty dishes and neither of us have energy left to clean. You and your husband are amazing!

[–]transdermalcelebrity 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Don’t feel guilty, but do develop a thick skin. Those questions and comments will persist even after you have kids.

I had the high paying, big city career in tech. When my husband finished his tech degree we decided I would stay home and prep the house for when we eventually had kids. We even moved across country to a place that was more of what we wanted in life and would make a single income home easier. All by our choice and our design and it makes us happy.

Family, friends (albeit the sucky ones), looked right past my degree and right past my career, and outright treat me as if I have a lesser intellect because we formed our life around me not working outside the home. Many people who meet me for the first time often don’t even know how to talk to me because they assume I’ve never worked (an insult as I busted my ass), don’t have a degree (top of my class), and that I don’t do much at home (I once clocked an 80 hour work week for the sake of argument; I do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, meal prep, yard work, taxes, health insurance management, appointments, childcare, trip planning, purchase research, plumbing, electrical, social planning, and handling of contractors, etc).

The truth of it is that I’ve had far more challenges and had to improvise in the home (I wear many hats) and find it far more fulfilling than I ever did in the workplace. And we have a great home life. My husband feels loved and supported and our kid is just an amazingly happy, successful, and thriving teen, because she can always have my support and not have to compete with my job. It may not work for everyone, but it works really well for us.

And no one cares.

The truth is, people will feel prejudicially how they intend to feel about housewives and at home moms. I am 46 and have been doing the at home game for 15 years. Trying to change people’s minds and feeling defensive is just a waste of energy.

If they need to be convinced that your life is worthwhile, the problem lies with them, and maybe they should pay more attention to their own issues and why they feel the need to be judgmental of others.

So what do you do? We fell into 2 strategies. Some of those people we just didn’t need in our lives. And we stopped interacting with them. Turned down social requests. We made all new friends once our daughter started going to school and meeting other kids. Others (like family) it’s more a matter of putting up an impenetrable front. “We’re happy and this works for both of us.” And then I change the topic or just stop speaking and stare at them. If they keep trying to pry then “Why do you care about how we choose to live?” If they get outright insulting (like the “lazy” comment), have the strength to say “Have a lovely day.” And get up and leave. Or for everything they say you can just keep repeating “This works for us.” And stare at them; people hate it when you stare at them and say nothing. Let their own neuroses fill in the blank.

As soon as you start trying to justify, you’ve taken the bait and given them an in to prolong the discussion, argue with you, and send toxicity your way. This is your and your husband’s choice. Choice is a big word in our society, use it. And especially, learn not to care. If you are happy, screw them.

[–]SuperSupremeKai 35 points36 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Those telling you these hurtful things are:

  1. Women who are envious of your situation.
  2. Women who cannot stop working as they have bills to pay.
  3. Women that do not have a husband as kind and as hardworking as yours is.
  4. Women who are feminists and do not want any woman to be a housewife.
  5. Women who have failed to be housewives.
  6. Divorced women.
  7. Some men who became angry at the women above.
  8. Women who need to validate their "independent" lifestyles.

Puff up your chest and be proud. You're doing things others would/could never do. If you do need validation, just ask your hubby whether he likes this current situation or not.

[–]MirriMazDuur 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

8.... Women who need to validate their own "independent" lifestyle

[–]SuperSupremeKai 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Adding this. Thanks!

[–]Past_Objective_7814 11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’ve asked my husband many times whether he would prefer I get a job, and he says that he’ll support me no matter what but he really loves me being home. I think the part I feel guiltiest about is that I’m really good at keeping the home in good shape, so I have a bit more free time than my husband.

[–]SuperSupremeKai 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Then how about getting some hobbies that would benefit the two of you within that extra free time that you have?

Sewing and knitting can help you make new clothes and sew up or remake old clothes pretty easily, giving you two a large variety of clothing to wear.

How about learning new cooking recipes and practicing? New and tasty food always raises the spirits of everyone involved.

If the home is in good shape, then how about you? Even if you do not want to keep fit for your husband, you might still want to try to stay in shape as it has a lot of benefits, beside making both of you happy.

Does your husband have any other hobbies that you might be interested in? I bet he would be extremely happy that you two would share the same hobbies, but do not force yourself. If you do, he won't be happy at all if all he wants is your happiness.

[–]Luscious-Grass 45 points46 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It sounds like you are looking for validation here, which is understandable.

The thing that stands out to me in your post is that you wanted to leave the workforce because people were mean to you at work. I identify with this - this is how I felt early in my working life, too. When you are just getting started, the workforce can be quite brutal.

You mentioned that you have moderate anxiety. Do you think the answer is to keep yourself away from the world? Anxiety is typically treated through slow and steady exposure. For example, if you are afraid of crossing bridges, each day you would walk a few feet further onto the bridge to overcome the anxiety.

I don't think whether you work or are a homemaker is the issue here from what I read. From what I read, you are avoiding uncomfortable things, and you perceive yourself as fragile. You also really take to heart what other people think about you and what other people say about you.

I don't think anxiety and insecurity are synonymous with feminine. These things will be uncomfortable for you for your whole life if you don't tackle them.

If I were you, I would look into getting back to work at this time, at least part time, not as a lifetime choice (you don't have to make any lifetime choices right now), but as a way to grow stronger and learn how to interact in the world with confidence.

Freelancing is another really fun option that you can also do from home part time.

I don't suggest this to shame you or make you feel bad. I suggest this because no matter your future, you're going to be happier if you learn how to set boundaries with other people and interact with them confidently, and working while you wait to be ready to have children is a really great way to tackle those things.

[–]Due_Tap_2248 19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree wholeheartedly with this comment and would add volunteering could be an easy way to make a meaningful contribution to society outside of the home, and can be done with a relatively small time commitment so as to not detract from your ability to complete household duties. Walking dogs at an animal shelter or being a Big Sister... Those only require a couple hours per week and can garner an incredible sense of fulfillment.

And, perhaps, some of the naysayers are envious of your situation.

[–]Past_Objective_7814 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I appreciate your comment.

I do not have social anxiety. I love people. I’m actually a very social person. My fears are more centered around having a health crisis, and yes, these fears are made worse when I’m out away from home. But I do exposure every single day, and I’m on the road to recovery! My anxiety disorder was very much worse in the past.

When I quit my last job, mistreatment from a particular manager was the last straw. And when we decided I was going to stay home, we absolutely didn’t have in our minds that it would be permanent. Just until I found somewhere else to work.

But we both discovered that we have a beautiful dynamic together like this. I love keeping a spotless home, having time to spend with and take care of family, and pursue the things I love. I read, penpal, and paint on a regular basis. My husband works very crazy hours, so he absolutely loves coming home and knowing that we can spend time together no matter what hours he works that week. I love being a homemaker so much more than I ever thought I would. I love that I have time and freedom to grow as a woman, while he gets to come home to his partner being the best version of herself every day. I promise that me staying home was not an avoidance behavior.

I should have included more detail in my post. I’m so sorry about that.

And yes, I suppose that I did write this in search of validation. Or maybe I wanted to know that I’m not alone and other woman have felt like this too. Either way, I really appreciate your concern and caring for me!

[–]JazziestCabbage 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

“You’re so lazy.”

Ok, they say that, but this is what you do.

I do everything in the home, the house is always spotless, and I actually really enjoy it.

and they say:

“It‘s not fair for your husband to have to bring in all of the monetary value.”

How much would it cost for you or your husband to hire someone to be a live-in cleaner and cook? Your work does have value. Your husband is happy with the arrangement, you're happy with the arrangement. Understand that a lot of women our age and above have been convinced that the only way to be happy is to pursue a corporate lifestyle. This is definitely not the case, many of us find much more value in tending to our homes. I'm sure it must be really nice for your husband to return from a long day of work to a clean house and nothing domestic to stress about. Even though you don't have kids, if you do ever decide to have kids, this experience will help you a lot, it's proving to you both that you can rely on each other and work as a team.

[–]Pycnostyle 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Imagine, hypothetically, that I said some really mean, untrue thing about you. Would that bother you? Obviously not. You'd know full well that I was wrong, and that I anyway don't even know you. My nastiness would hold no more significance to you than the dog in the window who is barking at you. You'd just keep right on walkin', and 5 minutes later, you'd have forgotten about him.

Yet these comments "have [you] feeling incredibly hurt". Does that suggest that you have some anxiety or insecurity about your arrangement with your husband? Why else would the comments from the peanut gallery sting so much? I think it'd be worth trying to examine where these insecurities lie and talk through them. Journaling might help, and maybe there are some stay-at-home-mom forums you could read.

By the way, I can't state this in strong enough terms, but your contributions to your joint household are invaluable! My wife also used to work outside of the home, but she quit a high paying job to be a stay at home mom when the kids were little. We are both so ridiculously much happier now!

While it seems counterintuitive that having less money could somehow yield more happiness, it's actually obvious once you see it: we were already living comfortably on my salary anyway (and just saving hers), so more money wasn't helping us, day-to-day. What we really needed was someone to raise our kids and run our home! I got happier because I was unburdened from household management tasks. She got happier because she hated her job and loved our kids. And the happiest of all were our kids: when we told them we were letting their nanny go and that their mom would be caring for them instead, they literally jumped up and down celebrating.

So yeah, come to terms with whatever is bothering you, because whatever it is, it truly should not be. I guarantee that your husband appreciates the absolute fuck out of everything that you do, and at the end of the day, only the two of you get to vote on this.

[–]orangerose18 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]SamathaStevens 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know it seems like this is an issue because you are a stay at home wife but I promise it isn't. The issue is there are jelous,nasty, people who want to hurt others for whatever reason. If you worked they would have something nasty to say about how you don't even try with the house. If you have two kids, then you are a failure because they do some much better with their 3. If you make lots of money ,they could decorate the house so much better with as much money as you have. It just never stops, no matter what you do, someone somewhere is going to have an issue with it.

The best way to deal with this is not to engage when they bring stuff like this up. By trying to explain or justify, it gives them power they shouldn't have. A good rule of thumb is if it doesn't effect them directly it is none of their business. The two people that matter in this (you and your husband) are good with it , that is literally all the matters! No one asks a doctor or fast good worker to justify their day, you have that same right. Your choice is just as valid as anyone else's.

When things like this come up I usually try to make it a joke because it sends the message to back off but still gives them a chance to laugh it off. When they ask what do you do all day ,you can say I sit on the couch and watch soap operas or wait for the maid to bring you breakfast! Whatever it doesn't matter, just what comes to mind. Then change the subject, I really like your shirt, how is your mom feeling? If they continue, I would look them straight in the eye and say why are you asking? If you call people out they really don't have anywhere to go after that. In all of this I would be kind and gracious but make it clear that you aren't interested in discussing or defending yourself. Everyone has the right to their choices, I wish you all the best in your marriage !

[–]vvck7 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Say “what a rude comment. I’m embarrassed for you”.

[–]Diamond-Breath 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Those people are just jealous of you, keep enjoying your marriage.

[–]jackiejaxofalltrades 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They say mean things because they’re jealous.

[–]MysharaLeta 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm a 23(F) homemaker and I completely understand! Its hard not to feel guilty and even though my family supports me (I come from a long line of homemakers), I feel lots of judgement from friends and have gotten similar comments, especially from female friends who work. I don't have a lot of advice since I'm struggling too, but I hoped it would help to know that you aren't alone. I think that so many people see the value of others through a monetary lense, but our worth is made up of something different and just as valuable. The guilt is hard, but I find it helps me to think that my finished chore list and free time spent pursuing my passions at the end of every day (novel writing, running a blog, etc) is my job. I'm finally working towards mine and my partner's future in ways he can't while he works. What we do as homemakers is invaluable. I'm sorry the people making those comments can't see that.

I hope this is okay to post, I'm pretty new here! I hope someone will let me know if it isn't okay.

[–]RP_Bear9 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

When you are truly a winner, many people around you will try to bring you down to their level because they are jealous of you. Realize that their negative comments about your reflect a projection of their own shortcomings.

[–]AlainLeCourt 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would just ignore those people stop talking to them.Either that or you can spend time explaining your life decisions to them..

On another note I think you should work even if it's part time atleast until you have a child.

From a financial perspective two incomes can build more equity and capital than one,unless your husband is making so much money it doesn't matter ,6 figures, the extra income you can earn properly invested could go along way in the future.

Just my 2 cents.

[–]smellingdeadroses 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

As long as you have a solid marriage and family relationship, honestly I wouldn't mind any single comment from anyone else. You're living the dream, don't let anyone to shatter it. Stay at home and enjoy the married life anyone would like to have.

[–]justa_cat_in_disgize 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I hate to boil it down to one overused phrase.... But they're just jealous 😂 it hurts to see people living your dream.

[–]Lagrange_is_alive 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It sounds like they are jealous that you are the wife that any many would saw an arm off to have, and they aren’t. Tell them to fuck off

[–]Much-mo-gooder 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Don’t listen to people outside your marriage who try commenting with their opinions on it... also don’t allow them to. Not even family. It’ll destroy your marriage if you don’t put a stop to it.

[–]Much-mo-gooder 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

And FYI. There a tons of good men who refuse to date anyone these days because we want an old fashioned homemaker style/minded woman instead of what is mostly on the market today. Definitely don’t listen to friends comments b

[–]thesculptedone 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

But.. apart from household stuff like cleaning the house, dumping the trash etc that literally every single family in the world does, what else do you do?

I ain't hating sis but what are you bringing to the table? Do you read books? What other ways are you challenging yourself and growing and helping the husband grow?

I get that it's easy to dismiss other people's opinions, but before you dismiss them, give yourself ten strong reasons why they are right and why they are wrong. For yourself!

[–]Treemium1 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I might not be in a place to say much here as this seems to be a sub for women and I'm a man but I saw this post and thought I'd chime in.

My wife and I split responsibilities pretty unevenly for a similar reason. She works but my job has me working pretty heavily year round and I bring in the lion's share of the money. As a result, we talked and agreed she takes care of more of the house things than I do. My wife and I have a fairly traditional marriage in that sense. It doesn't mean I don't help where I can, but that's the division of responsibility we have. From my perspective I try to provide as much income as I can for the life we want but she takes that and makes it a life worth being in.

She keeps our home running.

She makes sure that we are happy where we live.

I am always suited and booted for work because she makes sure I have shirts and ties ready.

She lovingly prepares fantastic meals to keep me going.

She trusts me to work as hard as I can to provide for a life we want and I trust her to take that life we built in her hands and protect it.

As a man who has had his home made for him I can tell you there is nothing I value more than the love that woman has for me to make our home comfortable, clean and a wonderful place to be. The same way I know she values the effort I put in during the day.

I get really upset when I see women put down homemakers. You do what works for you and your husband. All I can say is if he feels like I do, I promise you he's thanking God for a woman like you in his life.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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