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I am starting to realize that many "equal" relationships are actually female-led

September 24, 2020

My mother and father are divorced and my mother married another man. She and my stepfather seem to be happy together but it's extremely obvious that he's in a submissive position in the relationship. He's a people pleaser type of person so it probably suits him, but the idea that they're equal is laughable. My mother is the one who constantly decides what they're going to do. I am not saying she doesn't care about his feelings and thoughts but she obviously has the final say on things.

Has anyone else noticed that in many supposedly equal relationships it is actually the woman who is the leader?

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Post Information
Title I am starting to realize that many "equal" relationships are actually female-led
Author ConcernedRedditor7
Upvotes 159
Comments 59
Date September 24, 2020 6:24 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–]Ying_Ying_202084 points85 points  (50 children) | Copy Link

It's true. Even though my SO is a very masculine man and the leader in his professional fields, he seems to show a lot of hesitations while leading in the relationship. The hesitation comes from his own insecurities around women and he's constantly worried that I'm not happy about something even though I have tried to assure him that I am happy to let him make decisions and I will just go along with them. He will tell me every now and then how much he loves me and cares about me but keeps emphasising that he doesn't understand women and hopefully he hasn't offended me etc etc.

Maybe society puts too much pressure on men these days to be like that?

[–]Tek_Analyst44 points45 points  (29 children) | Copy Link

That, and life experience has taught him he should be worried.

[–]Ying_Ying_202012 points13 points  (28 children) | Copy Link

How do I make him feel more secured? He says things like, "I can't believe a beautiful woman like you will love someone like me". I have been trying to explain to him how his masculine qualities are making him super attractive to me and I totally admire him and proud of his career achievements but he just won't believe me.

[–]Tek_Analyst6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Do you show him during sex, or show it by seeking him out.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]Ari3n3tt31 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They’re going to downvote you but they shouldn’t

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (17 children) | Copy Link

I have been trying to explain to him

Show don't tell.

[–]Ying_Ying_20202 points3 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

I show him through having a lot of sex with him and praising him , also telling how much I enjoy sex with him. But sometimes after sex, he's feeling insecure again.

[–]Emervila0 points1 point  (15 children) | Copy Link

he's feeling insecure again

about what?

[–][deleted]  (14 children) | Copy Link


[–]Emervila3 points4 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

hint: we, men, are rarely praised for pretty much anything but we find a lot of satisfaction when a well done job is recognized as such.

Without you using words and if he makes you finish how does he know he did a good job?

I had a GF who was not really expressive that I could tell but I knew I got jack pot when she almost hits me with her knee while eating her so I learned those weird movements where her enjoying, something like that.

[–][deleted]  (12 children) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy Link

I think I'm expressive enough in bed to let him know that he's done a great job every time we have sex.

You think you are but you may be totally blind to that subtle thing he is looking for. Let me give you another example in addition to the other guy. When my SO and I have great sex and she is happy, she lies next to me and just touches me. She drags her hands up and down my body as I'm drifting off to sleep. I can just sense she isn't content just being next to me in bed, she needs to feel me and every bit of me.
After about 5 minutes of that she aggressively nozzles into my shoulder and is out like a light. I can smile and know we are good.

That said, my "love language" is for sure physical touch followed closely by words of affirmation.

Do you have a guess as to what his "love language" might be? If his is words or acts of service you might need to change tactics.

[–]gotgame7406 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like a self worth issue. I would recommend therapy

[–]GlitterThat3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Does he spend a lot of time on the internet?

[–]Ying_Ying_20207 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nah not at all. He manages construction projects, his job is flat out busy with too many conflicts to deal with every day. No time to relax or go online for fun at all.

[–]Andrea_Arlolski0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Doing things where both of you depend on his masculinity can go a long way. Like camping, where you both depend on him managing the tent and heavy equipment. Or difficult hiking, where sometimes he has to help you through.

If he knows from direct experience the value his masculinity brings both of you, he'll understand it better.

[–]Ying_Ying_20201 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very good ideas ! Thank you. Definitely something I didn't think about.

[–]Pporkbutt8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Maybe when he gets home hes just tired of leading?

[–]Ying_Ying_20203 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've been thinking, that's probably one of the reasons.... coz he's already making enough decisions at work. When he gets home he just wants to relax.

[–]masterdarthrevan0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is definitely the problem, a lot of men feel trapped, like they can't say or do anything without offending someone especially the SO. It is then that these men instead choose to do nothing because they are too afraid to act.

[–]eazolan-5 points-4 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

Maybe society puts too much pressure on men these days to be like that?

The reality is, if you're not happy, he is easily replaceable.

[–]Ying_Ying_20205 points6 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Tbh....that's exactly what he told me , not just once but quite a few times, that he's replaceable. And no matter how many times I tell him I will not leave him, and he's my one and only....he won't believe me.

[–]eazolan3 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

And no matter how many times I tell him I will not leave him, and he's my one and only....he won't believe me.

I think you should channel that into something positive. Because you wouldn't want him to take you for granted, right?

I recommend coming up with a set of small things that he can do, that you like. When he does any one of them, then it's "I love that about you", or "None of my old boyfriends would do that for me!"

Don't just nail a list to the door though.

[–]Ying_Ying_20201 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like a good idea. I will keep that in mind.

[–]eazolan1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I'm rooting for you two! :-)

[–][deleted]  (6 children) | Copy Link


[–]eazolan0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

How are things going?

[–][deleted]  (4 children) | Copy Link


[–]eazolan0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'd recommend starting a new topic on that. :-)

[–]Godfist042 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Girls have it so much easier in dating world it's no wonder most guys are just giving up

[–]eazolan-2 points-1 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Nah, it's not a problem that girls have it easy.

It's that most guys don't get to participate in the fun.

[–]Ying_Ying_20202 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You mean most guys are rejected?

[–]eazolan6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Most guys aren't desired by women, just the best ones.

[–]MirriMazDuur24 points25 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Perhaps he does not care as much about the things she decides on? Afaik in present day home buying is mostly female-led and it's a far stretch to say that most of those relationships are female led. Or take for example the tradition in a lot of patriarchal cultures for the wife to control the finances in the household.

[–]Mewster18181 Star19 points20 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Actually historically most markets and trading, across most cultures, have been run and dominated by women. It doesn't surprise me that shopping is a task women largely gravitate towards over men. While men would go out to hunt or do hard labor, women primarily handled the domestic affairs which included trading and bartering with one another to get what was needed for their family.

But I also agree, men don't tend to show much interest in the small details. While I purposely pick things I think my husband would like, or avoid things I know he would hate, at the end of the day if I brought home pink towels and a new floral bedding set he'd probably raise an eyebrow and then move on because it's just not something he would care enough about to bother mentioning.

[–]MirriMazDuur3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Most markets and trading? If you have more info, please give it to me! Afaik women were historically responsable for shopping and caring for the home (since they'd intimately know the children, the home, etc), but a lot of trading implied traveling outside the city/village, which was difficult for a woman.

then move on because it's just not something he would care enough about to bother mentioning.

Yup, most men really do not care about decor, a good chunk of them do not care about what the destination of the vacation is, they'd care about the car or the computer, etc.

It's a shame that the history of how common people live is so obscure, when we can learn so many lessons (not to mention that women were not as oppressed as some pretend we were)

[–]Mewster18181 Star5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I meant trading as in bartering/trading with neighbors in the community, not necessarily larger-scale trade.

But as an example most traditional African markets are run by women, same is true in traditional Mexican markets, and many traditional Asian markets as well. The areas where you are less likely to see women involved in the markets are Islamic countries that don't allow women outside without a male chaperone, and in areas that are mainly corporate/industrial. However, it used to be mostly women who handled shopping/communal trading for the most part as part of their domestic duties.

[–]WhatIsThisAccountFor3 Star10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Men care about less day to day decisions than women do for the most part. Men usually just care whether there is a decision made.

What kind of rug for the living room? Where to eat dinner? Which type of dog to get? Most men don’t really care, they just care that there is a rug, dog, and dinner. If giving input into the decision delays the outcome, they’d rather just let the woman decide a lot of the time. The difference between whether a meal is chicken or steak is less important than whether a meal is ready at 7 or 8pm in most cases, so the time taken to deliberate with the woman would be less beneficial to the man than just letting her choose.

If she is deciding things that he cares about, then he’s probably just not a very strong willed man.

[–]HumanSockPuppetTRP Founder11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Has anyone else noticed that in many supposedly equal relationships it is actually the woman who is the leader?


A leader is more than just a decision maker. A leader is accountable.

How often does your mother accept blame for a plan or decision that goes wrong?

[–]HumanSockPuppetTRP Founder6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Here's what I'm getting at:

Women could just as easily declare their relationship to be a "female-led relationship". But if they did this, then they would be held accountable whenever a decision they made had negative consequences.

So, many women who are of low moral character have discovered a convenient dodge. They call their relationships "equal". That way, they have both a justification for being demanding and bossy, and an escape when something goes wrong: blame her boyfriend/husband. She gets all the benefits of being a leader with none of the attendant responsibilities.

[–]redknobmirror2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I had never thought of this before but I think this is actually the correct answer

[–]titlejunk4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

My husband and I heard a podcast one time where the couple ranked how much each decision mattered to them, in day to day life. Example: He wants steak and she wants chicken. He feels 3 about steak. She feels 6 about chicken. They have chicken. If he had felt 9 about steak and she was a 2 on chicken, they have steak.

So, there are those little things. What are we having for dinner? Go out or stay in? Even so far as maybe How much do we spend on dog food?

And then there are big decisions. What city will we live in? What bills can we pay off v keep paying on monthly? What kind of vehicle should be buy next? Those are middle ground and I don’t feel like they get to be overruled by emotions. I trust my husband to make most of those decisions.

I think there’s another category of decision where the “no” always wins. Big example: Should we have a (or another) child? Should we get a (or another) pet? In that case, if either of you says “no”, it’s a “no”! End discussion until “no” reinitiates due to a potential change of mind.

So I think your observation is about the middle ground and I agree that many women do try to take the lead in that area. Many of them likely leverage giving their spouse sex on whether or not he agrees with what they want. I did that in my first marriage. I made most decisions. He was bitter but willing to do whatever to try and keep me happy. It wasn’t fun. I much prefer letting my husband decide now.

[–]the_smart_donkey0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Great comment i like it. So, would you say that a working strategy for men would be for them doing the decisions from the start and if the decisions doesn't align with you, then that means you are not compatible?

[–]titlejunk8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok. Weird back story: My dad told my first husband when he asked for my hand “Yes, but you need to learn to tell her ‘no’” He (first husband) obviously didn’t follow that advice.

I guess I would say that men generally need to demand to be heard from day 1. They need to show leadership and logic if they know when they are right. Don’t be swayed by a pouty woman withholding sex.

There is a lot to say for being comparable from the start though. Yes.

[–]ANIKAHirsch7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

“Equal” relationships don’t exist. When two people are in a relationship, one is always in charge.

[–]beaversinthewashroom4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I had the same thought with the recent RBG + her husband discussion on this subreddit. They’re considered to be “equals” however, someone in the thread mentioned that she makes most of the decisions, he took care of the household, and he took a step back to allow her career to flourish. I don’t see this as being “equal” unless the majority sees his teaching career equal to her role as a Supreme Court judge. I don’t think “equal” is a thing, personally. Thoughts?

[–]the_smart_donkey2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In my experience a lot of families that appear balanced is because the men agrees for everything. My theory is this, in the beginning of the relationship when men see something that can be done in one way that has more advantages they suggest it. Because the advantages are what is distinguishing it from the other choice. But from the female side of things choices are more emotionally engaged. And new choices comes with its own emotions. So they easily dismiss advantages in favor of good emotions. In time men see that their input is not considered and never appreciated so they stop sharing their opinion and stop debating. In time they just give up trying to come to mutual happiness on the matter and just agree. So in short, every dismissed opinion makes them believe this doesn't matter, but emotions are re ignited again on every choice and remain. Any input? Would you stay in this kind of relationship if it was you who's opinion doesn't matter?

[–]virtuostranger2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

YES this. Glad that I am not the only one realizing this.

And I can see this not just on relationships but on a societal level. Gender equality in the end means female-led and not actually equal. A quote from Socrates actually summarizes this very well:

"Once made equal to man, woman becomes his surperior" - Socrates

It's hard to see and accept for me too but at least for me, seeing the change of society especially in recent years, this quote is making more sense.

[–]poppypopsicles1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What is the source of this Socrates quote? I don't believe it is real.

[–]ManguZa1 Star14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's true, and it made me understand what feminist understand by equality in reality.

[–]Mewster18181 Star5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it just largely depends, just like there are things the average woman doesn't really care about, there are a lot of things the average man doesn't really care about either.

Do I care what brand of tools my husband buys? Not at all. Heck, I couldn't even tell you half of the inventory of his workshop and I know some of the tools in there are $$$.

Likewise it doesn't make sense for me to run every decision or option by him, he doesn't care what body wash I get him or what dinners I plan out over the week(although if he makes specific requests I'm more than happy to honor them), while he does gripe about some things we do that he's not as interested in he knows he's listened to if he makes a firm decision.

Mostly it just comes down to what he cares about. If he ever voices a strong opinion on something then I let him lead, but for the most part he recognizes that he just doesn't care as much about a lot of things as I do and doesn't bother with it. I also take his opinion and preferences into my decisions before making them, even without conferring with him, I would never intentionally go in a 180 direction from what he likes. So even when it's not stated or expressed all the decisions made have already factored in his known preferences.

[–]Lady_Catfish6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup. This is obvious across many quarters. Feminists say equality, but it is really just covert female supremacy.

I'm curious, when your mom and dad were married, how did they interact? And why did they divorce?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Say it louder for the people in the back 🗣

[–]razzadazza7775 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think there are men who understand and realise that women have so many great values that can make their lives so much better but that women are also defensive and afraid of feeling less than their partners. In my opinion, good men respect the feelings of their female partners and learn to take the back seat when the women want to drive.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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