I am starting to realize that many "equal" relationships are actually female-led

Ying_Ying_2020 · 2020-09-24T06:40:46+00:00

It's true. Even though my SO is a very masculine man and the leader in his professional fields, he seems to show a lot of hesitations while leading in the relationship. The hesitation comes from his own insecurities around women and he's constantly worried that I'm not happy about something even though I have tried to assure him that I am happy to let him make decisions and I will just go along with them. He will tell me every now and then how much he loves me and cares about me but keeps emphasising that he doesn't understand women and hopefully he hasn't offended me etc etc.

Maybe society puts too much pressure on men these days to be like that?

MirriMazDuur · 2020-09-24T12:31:06+00:00

Perhaps he does not care as much about the things she decides on? Afaik in present day home buying is mostly female-led and it's a far stretch to say that most of those relationships are female led. Or take for example the tradition in a lot of patriarchal cultures for the wife to control the finances in the household.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2020-09-24T16:16:21+00:00

Men care about less day to day decisions than women do for the most part. Men usually just care whether there is a decision made.

What kind of rug for the living room? Where to eat dinner? Which type of dog to get? Most men don’t really care, they just care that there is a rug, dog, and dinner. If giving input into the decision delays the outcome, they’d rather just let the woman decide a lot of the time. The difference between whether a meal is chicken or steak is less important than whether a meal is ready at 7 or 8pm in most cases, so the time taken to deliberate with the woman would be less beneficial to the man than just letting her choose.

If she is deciding things that he cares about, then he’s probably just not a very strong willed man.

HumanSockPuppet · 2020-09-24T17:56:52+00:00

Has anyone else noticed that in many supposedly equal relationships it is actually the woman who is the leader?

Almost.

A leader is more than just a decision maker. A leader is accountable.

How often does your mother accept blame for a plan or decision that goes wrong?

titlejunk · 2020-09-24T18:52:42+00:00

My husband and I heard a podcast one time where the couple ranked how much each decision mattered to them, in day to day life. Example: He wants steak and she wants chicken. He feels 3 about steak. She feels 6 about chicken. They have chicken. If he had felt 9 about steak and she was a 2 on chicken, they have steak.

So, there are those little things. What are we having for dinner? Go out or stay in? Even so far as maybe How much do we spend on dog food?

And then there are big decisions. What city will we live in? What bills can we pay off v keep paying on monthly? What kind of vehicle should be buy next? Those are middle ground and I don’t feel like they get to be overruled by emotions. I trust my husband to make most of those decisions.

I think there’s another category of decision where the “no” always wins. Big example: Should we have a (or another) child? Should we get a (or another) pet? In that case, if either of you says “no”, it’s a “no”! End discussion until “no” reinitiates due to a potential change of mind.

So I think your observation is about the middle ground and I agree that many women do try to take the lead in that area. Many of them likely leverage giving their spouse sex on whether or not he agrees with what they want. I did that in my first marriage. I made most decisions. He was bitter but willing to do whatever to try and keep me happy. It wasn’t fun. I much prefer letting my husband decide now.

ANIKAHirsch · 2020-09-24T17:03:52+00:00

“Equal” relationships don’t exist. When two people are in a relationship, one is always in charge.

beaversinthewashroom · 2020-09-24T22:09:05+00:00

I had the same thought with the recent RBG + her husband discussion on this subreddit. They’re considered to be “equals” however, someone in the thread mentioned that she makes most of the decisions, he took care of the household, and he took a step back to allow her career to flourish. I don’t see this as being “equal” unless the majority sees his teaching career equal to her role as a Supreme Court judge. I don’t think “equal” is a thing, personally. Thoughts?

the_smart_donkey · 2020-09-24T22:16:15+00:00

In my experience a lot of families that appear balanced is because the men agrees for everything. My theory is this, in the beginning of the relationship when men see something that can be done in one way that has more advantages they suggest it. Because the advantages are what is distinguishing it from the other choice. But from the female side of things choices are more emotionally engaged. And new choices comes with its own emotions. So they easily dismiss advantages in favor of good emotions. In time men see that their input is not considered and never appreciated so they stop sharing their opinion and stop debating. In time they just give up trying to come to mutual happiness on the matter and just agree. So in short, every dismissed opinion makes them believe this doesn't matter, but emotions are re ignited again on every choice and remain. Any input? Would you stay in this kind of relationship if it was you who's opinion doesn't matter?

virtuostranger · 2020-09-25T06:33:08+00:00

YES this. Glad that I am not the only one realizing this.

And I can see this not just on relationships but on a societal level. Gender equality in the end means female-led and not actually equal. A quote from Socrates actually summarizes this very well:

"Once made equal to man, woman becomes his surperior" - Socrates

It's hard to see and accept for me too but at least for me, seeing the change of society especially in recent years, this quote is making more sense.

ManguZa · 2020-09-24T08:17:33+00:00

It's true, and it made me understand what feminist understand by equality in reality.

Mewster1818 · 2020-09-24T14:51:17+00:00

I think it just largely depends, just like there are things the average woman doesn't really care about, there are a lot of things the average man doesn't really care about either.

Do I care what brand of tools my husband buys? Not at all. Heck, I couldn't even tell you half of the inventory of his workshop and I know some of the tools in there are $$$.

Likewise it doesn't make sense for me to run every decision or option by him, he doesn't care what body wash I get him or what dinners I plan out over the week(although if he makes specific requests I'm more than happy to honor them), while he does gripe about some things we do that he's not as interested in he knows he's listened to if he makes a firm decision.

Mostly it just comes down to what he cares about. If he ever voices a strong opinion on something then I let him lead, but for the most part he recognizes that he just doesn't care as much about a lot of things as I do and doesn't bother with it. I also take his opinion and preferences into my decisions before making them, even without conferring with him, I would never intentionally go in a 180 direction from what he likes. So even when it's not stated or expressed all the decisions made have already factored in his known preferences.

Lady_Catfish · 2020-09-24T16:39:09+00:00

Yup. This is obvious across many quarters. Feminists say equality, but it is really just covert female supremacy.

I'm curious, when your mom and dad were married, how did they interact? And why did they divorce?

2020-09-24T11:35:05+00:00

Say it louder for the people in the back 🗣

razzadazza777 · 2020-09-24T12:41:28+00:00

I think there are men who understand and realise that women have so many great values that can make their lives so much better but that women are also defensive and afraid of feeling less than their partners. In my opinion, good men respect the feelings of their female partners and learn to take the back seat when the women want to drive.

The-ls · 2020-09-24T12:09:41+00:00

Considering the fact that most men are pussy...it makes sense 🤷🏾‍♂️

Title	I am starting to realize that many "equal" relationships are actually female-led
Author	ConcernedRedditor7
Upvotes	159
Comments	59
Date	September 24, 2020 6:24 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-am-starting-to-realize-that-many-equal.284636 https://theredarchive.com/post/284636
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/iyry53/i_am_starting_to_realize_that_many_equal/