~ archived since 2018 ~

I dumped my low-value boyfriend and things have been amazing

May 15, 2020

26 years old. I was in a relationship with someone for 3.5 years, and he was emotionally abusive to me, critiquing everything about me, from my feminine style of dress to the way I am sweet to cashiers to how I like to measure when baking. He didn’t like my volunteering or reading fiction books or exercising.

I am more educated and significantly better-looking than him, and he continued to critique and put me down, likely because of that. While he earns literally 3x what I do, he never paid for me and would constantly whine about any time he bought a drink or coffee with me, and got angry when I didn’t evenly split the groceries, even though I actually bought a lot of stuff for him.

I made myself constantly available for sex (he was only my second partner, but he was awful), cleaned his whole house all the time, everything a girl is supposed to do. Rather than be grateful, he constantly whines about me.

I was nervous about breaking up with him. I thought it would be harder to date as I enter my late 20s. I thought I should settle with the quarantine.

Well, I talked to a lovely older woman on this subreddit via FaceTime (leaving her name out as she asked me not to share), and she told me to recognize my value and his. She said I could be afford to be picky for a little while.

So I did. It was so scary, but now...

In the past two months, I’ve had many first dates with Ivy League-educated doctors my age, with guys who are incredibly good-looking, with guys who open the door and pay for me.

I am dating for marriage, so I am trying to be careful about who I enter my next relationship with. I haven’t had any trouble finding someone appreciates the sweet girl I am. Even if I don’t, it’s better than being with someone who abuses and does not take care of me, no matter how nice I am.

I’m really happy. And it’s all thanks to this subreddit and recognizing the value I have and what I can bring to someone who will be a good captain.

Idk if this is the kind of stuff I can post here, but thank you so much!!!!

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Post Information
Title I dumped my low-value boyfriend and things have been amazing
Author balletaurelie
Upvotes 416
Comments 60
Date May 15, 2020 1:19 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–][deleted] 82 points83 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Divorcing at 23 was the scariest thing I ever did... and the best decision I ever made. Good for you.

[–]NubianQueen10193 points94 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I wish I could find women around me who would lift me up like that older lady did with you.

Congrats on moving on..

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You have us! Feel free to reach out!

[–]NubianQueen1014 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you sister.. I will try to reach out. 💚

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

You have to express urself.

[–]NubianQueen1011 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

What do you mean?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

i mean we are here honey. all ears

[–]NubianQueen1011 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

How should I reach out. In a DM or here. I'm sorry I'm clueless

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

you should post. So more ppl can synchronize with you and dm you.

[–]NubianQueen1010 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

OK. I will try. Thank you.

[–]TheBunk_TB0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

communicate boundaries?

[–]ShootingDanks1 Star39 points40 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I am very glad to hear that you escaped a toxic relationship. He sounds really terrible! I just want to point out something that stood out for me in your post.

I made myself constantly available for sex (he was only my second partner, but he was awful), cleaned his whole house all the time, everything a girl is supposed to do.

Oh honey, no. Girlfriends aren't supposed to be constantly available for sex or behave like free maids. Dating is like an audition. You're each seeing if the other person is worthy of the role of being your partner for life. Until the contract between the two of you is signed, binding you together as husband and wife, you don't owe him anything. You can be pleasant and polite and loving and kind and generous and do things out of the goodness of your heart, but you can also say "oh no, I am not going to clean your house for you".

Don't behave like a wife until you are one. That includes moving in with a man before marriage. Everything you do that emulates wife behaviour, reduces a man's incentive to marry you.

I wish you all the best in your dating adventures. Be safe and be certain of your boundaries within your role as a girlfriend. Don't give away everything for so little in return.

[–]balletaurelie[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a GREAT post. I don’t have sex until I’m dating someone seriously and in love with them, so I don’t give that away very quickly, but I should also be more careful with doing wife things.

[–]oooKenshiooo6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Well if the intend of moving towards marriage is clear, moving in together before marriage is actually a pretty good move to pressure test yourself.

However, IMO the timelime should be co-habitation for a year, proposal within the next, then marriage within in the next 2 years, then children if you want them.

In order to know a person well, one should have lived with them for a full circle of seasonal hormonal upswings and drops. I certainly know that I am a vitamin D deficient slouch during the winter and my fiance was certainly troubled experiencing it for the first time. :D

[–]ShootingDanks1 Star3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I was taught that one of the top 10 factors correlated with a higher risk of divorce was cohabitation before marriage. Admittedly, I am not up to date on current stats in our brave new world, but I doubt that it would have changed much. I can't remember all ten, but I remember having divorced parents yourself, marrying before the age of 25 and living together before marriage being on the list. This was in a psychology textbook for a family and marital therapy course, but I'm sure more recent papers can shed some more light on the matter!

[–]oooKenshiooo0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Interesting! Can you link that by any chance?

[–]ShootingDanks1 Star4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You know, I'm really sorry, but this was from a class I took in 2009, so I no longer have that textbook. I just did a quick search on Google Scholar and there are so many papers exploring this phenomenon. There are some suggested related searches using other keywords, as well. I think it's a very interesting risk factor to explore and, for couples wishing to cohabitate before marriage, something to at least be aware of, so they can be forewarned.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Neither of you trusted each other. She didn't trust that you would marry her so she didn't give the extra that she saw as 'wife tasks' and you didn't trust that marriage would actually change her into the woman you wanted to marry.

For every man who has your complaints there is a woman who gives her all to a man who doesn't uphold his end of the bargain. Not all men are deserving (ditto for women). It's not as simple as telling women to give everything and it will just work out.

What is true is that dating is an audition on both sides. Everyone should bring their best and make sure the other person is doing the same.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars17 points18 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What the hell were you getting out of this relationship that made you stay for 3.5 years? That’s not a criticism of you; I actually want to understand so I can better empathize with and advise women in similar situations who come here.

[–]balletaurelie[S] 11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I had really low self-esteem and a history of family abuse. My family was really controlling, and it gave me comfort to allow someone to have control over me.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You deserve a lot of credit for recognizing the pattern and pulling yourself out of this situation. I hope you’ll keep posting about your journey and reaching out to us if you need it!

[–]Cucharamama15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I come from a culture where women are expected to be married by 25, and the wall is spoken about constantly and men are usually abusive and treat marriage like it’s something you need to beg them for. I am the last woman of all of my relatives to still be single and I REFUSE to pick just anyone just because I want to settle down. I really want you to focus on your happiness and not an imaginary timeline that people created to make you feel less valuable because of your age. Telling women they have to hurry up and find someone before “hitting the wall” is such a toxic and depressing mindset and we should NOT let it dictate our lives.

I’m so proud of you for leaving him and choosing your happiness!! From what you’ve written, he sounds like a sorry excuse of a man that definitely does not appreciate you and you deserve better than that. Keep dating and have fun with it!! Don’t put any pressure on yourself and go get what you want! ❤️

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Personally my looks etc. haven’t changed much from my early to late 20s. I’ve taken care of myself during that time. Men aged in their late teens or early 20s who plate spin and post on the TRP might say we’re post-wall, but personally I don’t care to date those types anyhow. I’ve had no trouble getting the attention of successful men aged in their late 20s- mid 30s.

[–]balletaurelie[S] 21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes! I was so scared of the wall at 19, but now I realize the guys who “spin plates” and post on TRP (ironically) just aren’t my type. I won’t have sex with someone I don’t love, so I’m not their type either.

I don’t care about how much money someone makes, I care that they can generally provide, are attractive, sweet, and intelligent. These guys they talk about as “betas” sometimes seem wonderful.

[–]curious-girl-513 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Keep up the work on your own personal journey and self-improvement! Moving forward, make sure you are taking the time to vet the men properly that you are interested in getting into a relationship with. Good luck!

[–]Knnchwa111 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yay! So happy for you! You have time.

[–]hahastopjk5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So so soooo happy for you!! I had an ex who criticized almost every aspect of me too and it’s not until a year later that I realized what he was doing. I can’t believe I couldn’t see it when we were together. We were a hot mess but dealing with those kind of things give you an opportunity to get stronger! I’m proud of you!!!

[–]Bienvenuealafesta4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Happy for you leveling up and leaving a dusty!

[–]FoxWyrd4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's good that you recognize your value and don't stick around with guys who don't. Good on you for getting out of something that clearly wasn't healthy.

[–]quirkypinkllama2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Awesome news 😍

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You go girl!!!! I wish more women would see your worth like you.

[–]AnnaAerials1 Star7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You made one of the best (or potentially the best) decision of your life! But seriously, what the hell is it with insecure guys being upset when you’re kind to waiters and family members? So cringe and insecure it’s nauseating.

Your old relationship sounded exhausting. It’s not supposed to be like that. In a lot of ways, it’s freeing because you share a burden with someone else, not carry theirs!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sometimes, you really do need to just throw the whole boyfriend away.

Well done! Be happy! Good luck with the dating!

[–]party_dragon1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

What is this, FDS?!

The real red flag is, you were with him for 3.5 years. Why would you put up with "low value boyfriend" for so long? I suggest you work on yourself, your self-worth, and your view of relationships (how things should work) before you jump into the next one...

Edit: ah, saw your comment below, you admit to "low self-esteem and a history of family abuse" so at least you're not deluding yourself about it. Nevertheless, your post suggests you're focused on finding a HVM man, a goal which I generally support, just make sure that's it actually because you're setting the bar (for being near you, a part of your life) so high (i.e. you just can't stand losers), not because you're seeking to confirm that you're not that low value (basically a trophy husband).

[–]balletaurelie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah! I have to improve my sense of self-worth before I enter another relationship.

[–]HB32345 Stars1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

How are you dating during quarantine? ...Asking for a single friend. 😏

[–]balletaurelie[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

FaceTime, and, after we hit the five date mark, then a social distancing walk. I live in a city-town that has basically been deserted, and so there are a ton of beautiful nature spots to go walk around in.

I haven’t been into a grocery store since March.

[–]HB32345 Stars1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Lovely idea! Any advice for facetime dates?

[–]balletaurelie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's okay to have a drink!

[–]LateralThinker134 Stars2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Why did you think he was high value in the first place? He's not highly educated (by comparison), he isn't better looking... was it just the money? Because I don't see the appeal. Whiny and controlling and belittling don't make for a good friend, let alone a BF.

[–]balletaurelie[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No, it was the security of having someone who I thought would be loyal and love me.

[–]BonnieBelle2550 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s awesome you go girl!! ❤️

[–]pickles-n-noodles0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am so so so happy for you. Not sure what else to say. But really happy

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Way to know your worth! Get someone who treats you right! best wishes!

[–]guynpdx0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow. Great story. Looks like you are on your to finding the right guy. Best of luck to you. .

[–]Sketch_Sesh0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m just translating as i read “feminine style of dress” = revealing, provocative “sweet to cashiers” = flirting with strangers right in front of him

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Why do you make these assumptions?

[–]balletaurelie[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well, I do really want to fuck the sweet little 63-year-old Chinese grocer working at Whole Foods to help her child through medical school. It’s only fair

[–]lilasbaby20 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm curious what did you see in him to be with him for so long :)

[–]balletaurelie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I had low self-esteem and my family treated me the same way

[–]oooKenshiooo-3 points-2 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Something about this post smells.

There is two possibilities as to what - and either are alarming.

A) If everything you said is 100% factual, you spend 3.5 years of your life with a low value man, who, besides his overall shit-tier boyfriendery, managed to dupe you with his wealth.


B) you were not 100% factual and reframed the whole thing to fit better into your personal narrative, probably to protect your sense of identity.

Either possibility is increadibly alarming and should show you that you got some serious work to do before you get back into the dating game. In my opinion you are in no position to fruitfully date anyone right now, because either your judgement is clouded and you are easily duped - or you are still coping with your breakup by overselling your self-worth.

(Btw, I double checked this post with my fiancé and she came to the same conclusion)

[–]KelVarnsenStudios3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

False dilemma detected.

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

First, it’s fiancée since she is a she.

Second, being with a LVM for an extended period of time can absolutely happen to a HVW. I was in a situation similar to OP’s in my early 20’s. I absolutely hated my BF, and repeatedly broke up with him and tried to cut him out of my life. But, every time I would try to cut him out of my life he would threaten or attempt suicide. I was too young to realize that breaking up is one-sided and that his mental health was not my responsibility. It didn’t help that his parents guilted me into staying with him by convincing me I couldn’t do better and that it was responsibility to turn him into a HVM.

OP may have more to work on, but I just needed to grow up a little bit and realize my self worth before I could fully disengage from that bad relationship.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

RP: women are submissive and agreeable and want to follow a man

Also RP: there is no possibility that a woman would feel compelled to stay in a mediocre relationship, she's changing the story.

[–]loneliness-inc2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

A family friend of ours is a psychologist. He once said to me: people do all kinds of fucked up shit, they get arrested and taken to court. During the trial, character witnesses testify that "this person is incapable of doing XYZ crime".

You know what you're incapable of doing? You're incapable of flying around this room. Regarding everything else, if you're physically able to do it, you're capable of doing it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I didn't say she was incapable of leaving.

There are a lot of reasons that women stay in mediocre relationships. It's not a shifting of blame - you are always in charge of your own life.

However one of the biggest female traits that RP recognizes is submissiveness. We want to defer to the guy, we want to be good for him. The wall is also an RP boogieman for a lot of women. Getting older without a partner locked down can be scary.

These are not the only reasons (that a person may stay in a bad relationship) but they are two that are very prevalent within RP theory. So to know these things and then say "how could you possibly have stayed with someone, you must be lying" overlooks some very obvious RP reasons that a woman might have stayed with someone.

*None of this is a statement about the OP specifically, just about the assumptions made in the above comment given the current based of knowledge.

[–]loneliness-inc-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I didn't read the op. I was commenting on your contrasting two contradictory things and that some people say that XYZ is impossible.

Everything that you can do, is possible. What we generally discuss is generalized probability while recognizing that a whole lot of other stuff is possible.

[–]Hammocknapping3 Stars1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

But, flying across the room is physically possible. To fly can be defined as moving quickly, and certainly you can move quickly around the room. If you want to fly through the air, you can also do that by jumping or rigging a system to fly assisted. If Lady GaGa and jump from the top of the Dallas Cowboy’s Stadium surely we can get someone to fly around the room.

Impossibility doesn’t just come down to being physically able to do something. Can I physically pack all of my possessions and move them? Yes I can. Does that mean I can move three states over? No, it does not.

You’ve never been a 19 year old woman (or maybe you have, honestly it wouldn’t surprise me), but I can tell you from experience that the amount of guilt and confusion you experience when someone starts slitting their wrists in front of you when you break up with them is overwhelming. On top of that, to be told by that person’s parents this it is your fault their child tried to kill themselves and that you will have blood on your hands if they are successful was certainly enough to cause me to be unable mentally to leave someone.

Interpersonal relationships are more than the physical aspect. If I hate my parents as a 12 year old, I can physically run away from home, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be returned when I’m found.

[–]balletaurelie[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

It is real. And, as for the wealth, I have a lot of family money, and so it doesn't concern me the way it might other people. But it is weird looking back that he was so bothered by paying for dinner or for buying me coffee.

It wasn't that. He had many positive qualities, like being hard-working and a good listener. He was certainly more focused than me, and better at being in large groups of people.

80% of the time, he was great. But the other 20%, he was constantly criticizing me and being unkind. These criticisms were really about things like my style of dress and being nice to cashiers (took too much time). I was with him because I thought he would be a good father. And because I'm dumb.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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