~ archived since 2018 ~

I feel bad

February 8, 2017

Yesterday I just had a revelation on how much privilege I have as a female.

I have a cushy arts job that deals with upper middle class clientele, and I'm frequently bombarded by people wanting to pay a high price for my services. My boyfriend is in construction and involved in some entrepreneurial projects, and he frequently has to deal with clientele that are disorganized and dishonest - people don't pay thousands of dollars, people say they'll do something but don't follow through, work-related accidents...He has a lot of work stress because of the industry and nature of his job.

He tells me I'm his comfort and battery charger and source of light in his life, and I'm glad I can fulfill that role for him...but I still feel pretty awful how much he has to deal with. He tells me I live in a "Wonderland" where everything is perfect, and he's right. I've always had my life provided for either by family or by my cushy job and he knows if we get married he'll have to provide for me too, because he won't let me contribute financially. He wants to do it all himself. I sense he's a bit resentful of how good I have it as a female, but he'll never tell me this to my face. All I can do is try to respect what he's doing.

Has anyone else had this revelation as well? A new found appreciation for your boyfriend/husband?

I also had a father that broke his back working to provide for us and yet he had to endure my shrew mother. I just feel like once you realize how difficult some of these men's lives can be, your inner shrew is automatically dissipated. There won't be anything to complain about anymore.

Edit: I'm hoping to have a discussion about your own appreciation for your boyfriend/husband, not advice about mine ;)

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Post Information
Title I feel bad
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 26
Comments 37
Date February 8, 2017 9:59 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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[–]HobbesTheBrave33 points34 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I just feel like once you realize how difficult some of these men's lives can be, your inner shrew is automatically dissipated. There won't be anything to complain about anymore.

Few things make women as attractive as realizations like this one do.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is very true.

It's irrelevant whether this is truly gender privilege or just plain privilege or if it's privilege at all. All that matters is that OP has a cushy job and her man has to deal with crap all day long. The worst thing OP can do is take him for granted, the best thing she can do is be appreciative.

OP is being appreciative and this will make her 10x sexier in the eyes of her man.

[–]JackGetsItEndorsed Contributor22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All I can do is try to respect what he's doing.

Any single women reading that can do this will have men falling all over their feet. Men are starved for respect in 2017. Respect is male currency, attention is female currency.

Great post OP!

[–]r3mememember12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

A woman who is appreciative of her man gets +2 to her RMV. A 6 instantly becomes an 8 with sincere thank-yous and actions that demonstrate appreciation.

It's so valuable because so many women set the bar so so so low.

[–]HobbesTheBrave2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It's even better when hot girls wonder why they don't get married, as they've seen less hot women become married.

'Sweetie, it's because you're a bitch. Men with self-respect will avoid you, once they've talked with you. And men without self-respect won't start the conversation.'

Of course, no guy tells her anything. Because if she didn't listen to grandmother, mother, father, brother or anyone else in her family, she's not going to listen to what I say. Or to what that guy has to say.

[–]r3mememember0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Men with self-respect will avoid you

Half true. Hot girls who are bitches are fine for plates.

[–]Willow-girl17 points18 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think your privilege comes more from being upper-class than being female. Life isn't such a Wonderland for us working-class women! :-o

The cows don't poop on me any less than they do on my boss, lol.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have a specific arts job where you're either lower class or upper class. Either people feel sorry for you or they respect you. It's quite strange, I still get people pitying me when I tell them what I do because of the stigma, but I just keep my mouth shut. I simply got lucky in my job and it happened to be in an arts sponsored country, instead of freelancing like most struggling artists. I do acknowledge I have privilege, though, I can't really complain about much.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So true, I went from upper middle growing up to family disaster leaving me very working class. However any woman who really wants to can find a man to help her and who cares for her, and in that we are blessed. I see nothing wrong with it either.

[–]Willow-girl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Having grown up watching my mother's machinations (manipulating a man she hated for her daily bread), I've always found it simpler and cleaner to just support myself. It really hasn't been that difficult (I don't have expensive tastes, lol).

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It's awesome that you've realised this! When people talk about 'privilege', it's easy to tune them out...but in reality, we all have different types of privilege, and acknowledging them is a really important thing to do in order to be a well-rounded human.

In terms of your relationship, are there any changes you'll make now that you've realised all these privileges?

He won't let me contribute financially

So how else are you going to contribute? Think about the ways in which you can provide value (homemaking, frugality, emotional support, social organisation, etc) and make sure that you're using your place of position and privilege to make his life better.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

He tells me I'm the source of light in his life because I contribute a lot already. I cook for him and take care his needs as much as I can and give him TONS of blowjobs and I listen to him when he advises me. In fact, I give him so many blowjobs he actually declines because his dick is tired haha! I can definitely complain less about my own life though...

The main point of the post is even though I try my best to give as much as I can, I will never truly understand the shit in life that he has to deal with that I never will.

[–]fetchyminx5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Relationship goals

[–]Willow-girl2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In fact, I give him so many blowjobs he actually declines because his dick is tired haha!

That's funny!

At bedtime we've been watching a series called "The Victorian Farm" on Hulu. On last night's episode, the reenactors were making cider the old-fashioned way. I joked, "I could go for a Little Dickens Cider right now!" My boyfriend got a look of fear in his eyes and said, "How about we just watch the program?" OK, it was late, and in truth I was tired, too. :-)

[–]the_baumer3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have but it didn't occur from a gender perspective, it was more economical. My boyfriend has had way more financial hardships and employment challenges than I have, and it really opened my eyes to how tough it can be out there for people who want to work and learn and yet companies don't give him a chance or refuse to help him in any way. You really are on your own and there is no such thing as loyalty or job security when it comes to employment. His parents also did a poor job teaching him anything about saving money and basic personal finance goals, whereas my dad starting teaching me when I was 10. So I helped him with that too and now for the first time in his life he's not living paycheck to paycheck.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

After any particularly crappy day at work for him, or a particularly good day not-at-work for me, I tell my hubs how thankful I am for his hard work ethic, drive, and commitment to providing for us.

I use that guilt and new found appreciation to make myself better, to make his life easier, and to bring us both more joy.

[–]thisisnotforyou_ points points [recovered] | Copy Link

I'm 100% not sure the privilege you're comparing between your and your husband's jobs is a privilege because you're a woman though. It's a privilege because of your job choice and his job choice, not because you are female and male. A man in your job would likely be dealing with similar clientele to you, and a woman in your husband's job is likely to be dealing with a similar clientele to your husband. Obviously that's not to say you should make any less effort to be his soft place to land after a shitty day at work!

Female privilege is when in the same career men have to put up with shit women don't.

[–]JackGetsItEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

I think we can also define privilege as what's available on the job market as a whole. OP has a cushy job that's not really available to a lot of men.

[–]thisisnotforyou_ points points [recovered] | Copy Link

Do you think a job in the arts is not available to men based on their sex or merit? I work in the arts myself and whether you're employed here depends on your education and experience, not what sex you are.

It is only female privilege if men are obviously excluded from that job even though they are as qualified or more qualified to do it than a woman.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, the arts is a very broad industry. My field is actually male dominated, but I'm lucky to be getting paid well for the level I'm at.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Actually, it's a male dominated field on a collegiate level. But I'm in an extremely rare situation where I live in a country that sponsors the arts and so I have a cushy job doing what I do (teaching young children not University level). If I had my job in the US, however, I'd be dirt poor, and when I did live in the US I was struggling to make ends meet.

[–]Willow-girl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sure it is; they just have to be gay! :-D

(Kidding, of course.)

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

While I agree that this has little to do with gender and everything to do with life choices, I have had those little moments of realization that I've found a keeper, someone absolutely perfect for me. He'll pull me close to snuggle me in bed before we get up in the morning, or he'll be in a great mood despite currently working in a job with no future, because it's what he could find in the area. He's always so happy and kind and hardworking and that's such a rare combination.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your bf is a very lucky man. Cherish each other.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

After my family fell apart and I left my ex I had nowhere to go and no income, and I had to work at jobs with mean bosses unexpectedly and live hand to mouth, yes I had a new appreciation for how hard many men work. I haven't always lived in a cushy bubble but even so I live with the knowledge that any woman who had feminine wiles can find a man who willingly takes care of her because he finds it fulfilling.

Contrary to many I see nothing immoral about this truth, as long as everyone is honest and happy. But I do feel very grateful for it. That said, I have a lot of things that make me weak (health) and not thrive in a 9-5 job so personally I don't feel guilty for the way things are. I've been nearly homeless before so it's not always magical.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are amazing.

All I can say is for you and your So to cherish each other. Not many relationships have the level of love and empathy you guys have.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

  • Your bf is a very lucky man. Cherish each other.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My father, the most important man in my life, has always been an inspiration to me. When my mom was pregnant with me, they took a conscious decision for her to stay home and him to work. I've seen him working long hours, dealing with bosses and clients and he's often exhausted when he comes home. So whenever I hear talk about "male privilege" I look at it as an excuse. If men have so much privilege, then why do they bear the burden of feeding a family? It isn't easy, and even today I have no idea how to repay my parents for all they've done for me, my mom through my upbringing and my dad through his determination

[–]winterfrostland0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Western society hates men, men in western society do not have all this privilege and these awesome lives that everyone says they do. The only thing that can help at this point is if women take steps to even the odds. It is absolutely not un-masculine to ask for women to help, things should not be as degenerate and unfair as they are right now.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Are you talented with art ? I work hours a day refining my artistic talent but still have not found any work with it.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I teach at a private specialized arts school, I found my passion in pedagogy.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yesterday I just had a revelation on how much privilege I have as a female.

I think it is wonderful that you appreciate how hard your boyfriend works, and that it is his goal to provide for you and your family. But, it was his decision to pursue a career in the unpredictable world of construction. And, it is also his decision to prohibit you from contributing financially to ease this burden. I believe that there is a vast difference from showing respect and appreciation and being an apologist.

In no way do I believe that being a conservative, RPW woman requires me to apologize for my upbringing and success. I worked hard in school and in my career, and I am currently enjoying the fruits of my labor. My husband did the exact same thing. I see no logic behind the assertion that his 60+ hour work weeks are somehow more important or more difficult due to his gender. We both experience stress, we both push ourselves, and we both make sacrifices. Our life is structured this way, because we decided it was the best for us. Just like your boyfriend decided to structure his life in such a way that once you are married there will only be one income.

[H]e knows if we get married he'll have to provide for me too, because he won't let me contribute financially. He wants to do it all himself. I sense he's a bit resentful of how good I have it as a female, but he'll never tell me this to my face. All I can do is try to respect what he's doing.

Again, this is his own personal decision. If he prohibits you from providing financially, then you have nothing to apologize for. Personally, my husband and I believe that more income diversification and financial security are better than less, so we both work. We don't both need to work, but we do. Hello retirement by age 50 (or earlier) for both of us! I personally would feel slighted if my husband prohibited me from working, and then resented me for not working. That seems a little illogical. Again, you can respect and appreciate all of your boyfriend's hard work without apologizing.

My post might lead people to believe that my husband's hard work goes unappreciated. If you told that to him, he would probably laugh at you. He is told morning, noon, and night how much I love, respect, and appreciate him and the way that he has decided to lead our family. I am in a position to truly sympathize with how stressful and difficult his life can be at times between work, helping manage our home, and keeping up with family and friends. That's why I show him respect by never complaining when it is clear that he is too tired to unload the dishwasher, or put away his laundry, or the lawn has to go one more day without being mowed. It is for the same exact reasons that he doesn't complain when he has to eat from the work cafeteria instead of a home packed lunch once and a while, or if the mail sits on the counter for a couple days, or too many pairs of my shoes start to pile up in the mudroom.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Nope. Everything I've achieved from my high salary to my tight physique has been the result of my effort and discipline, not my vagina.

[–]CleburnCO6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Frankly, that is impossible if you are interacting with men and women in the general public. There are doors opened for women that are simply not opened for men. There are EEO requirements for a given # of females...quotas and similar throughout the job market. Check out any gov contract. Points for every EEO category. There are huge numbers of educational programs (internships, scholarships, etc.) that are open only to females. To say that, in a world that is heavily weighted towards setting you up for success, you got where you are 100% on asexual merit...not likely. Whether you saw it or not, the skids were getting greased for you.

Its like saying you never tried to flirt your way out of a speeding ticket...of course pretty women try to flirt their way out of a ticket...because it works.

Heck, there are solid peer reviewed studies that show pretty women get higher grades for the same work in college...lighter prison sentences for the same crime...and on and on.

It is just reality. Nothing to be ashamed is human nature.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I guess I'll spend the rest of my life sucking cock to make up for my privilege.


[–]radioactivities90 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

yeah, as if all those generalities would apply to you, even if they were true!

I think your tight physique must have come from all those female quotas in various non-specified assumed industries.

[–]CleburnCO2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Do you think that "tight physique"...a clear humble brag to claim attractiveness...just might open some doors? Just maybe, that veiled "look how pretty I am" claim just might be a clear example of correlating attractiveness with success while trying to simultaneously infer that success was 100 merit and had nothing to do with being pretty?

Come on. It's great to be pretty, healthy, in shape, well dressed...whatever. Don't act like doors don't get opened easier for men and women with a "tight physique"...

It's just reality. The fact that people need to overtly claim merit means that they did not get there based on merit alone.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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