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I feel like I do not emit that “feminine energy” that men are attracted to. Will I have trouble finding a partner?

June 8, 2021

All of my life I have hardly been interested in hobbies and activities that are considered feminine. I do my makeup (not on a regular basis, especially during the pandemic and I only do it for dates/work/school), I like to dress nicely when I have somewhere to be, and I’m not the gregarious and obnoxious type; I’m quite shy. However, a lot of my other characteristics aren’t too feminine, like my sense of humor, how I speak and hold myself, and how I act overall. I’m not cheeky and I don’t have a beaming smile a whole lot. I’m a bit socially awkward and I have never really been into hair, makeup, manicures, doing “girls night out” activities, etc. I’m very nerdy when it comes to politics, foreign affairs, dark humor, certain Reddit subs, and theoretical things (as a lack of better wording). I’m very independent physically, mentally, and emotionally and I know I can be hard to understand. I take a while to open up and the idea of “submitting” to someone almost disgusts me a little. Seeing a man in a hero type of way is okay to me and I think that’s a great way to view a man of course, but I could never blindly submit to anyone or anything. I want a partner as a compliment to my life and someone to support me with my goals. I know there’s a natural biological hierarchy but I just can’t wrap my mind around it so I’m asking you TRP ladies if you have any input or advice. What are your thoughts?

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Post Information
Title I feel like I do not emit that “feminine energy” that men are attracted to. Will I have trouble finding a partner?
Author FlakyImpact5838
Upvotes 31
Comments 34
Date June 8, 2021 1:14 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-feel-like-i-do-not-emit-that-feminine-energy.781649
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/nusr2u/i_feel_like_i_do_not_emit_that_feminine_energy/
Red Pill terms in post

[–]MirriMazDuur 20 points21 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

"Submissive" is just a bad word imho, men just like agreeable, non-confrontational women who do not burts under their own ego. (Now that phrase is long and quite non catchy, isn't it?). I love dressing-up and wearing heavy make up but never ever did that make mens' eyes glisten as much as when they hear me talk about a typically manly subject as the ones you describe! Lots of men are quite bored of women who just sit there and look pretty, so I guess you're not being in situations where you shine in intellect and conversation. What's important is to make sure that even if you have geeky/masculine hobbies, you don't seem like one of the guys. Don't make dirty or gross jokes, don't dress in cargo pants and baseball caps and you should be more than fine!

[–]cathgirl15 11 points12 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

This is something I hear a lot and am curious about. I keep seeing that masculine men want an agreeable woman, but the men I’ve dated who liked me the most were the ones who I disagreed with on fundamental issues (and expressed my opinions to, not always in the most non-confrontational way). I know people say that masculinity and femininity complement each other, but it’s been the most masculine men (who happened to also not be conflict-averse) who made me feel as if they were forcing me to take on more masculine energy to defend my viewpoints. These men have been really into me though?

To me it seems that truly masculine and secure men are able to humble themselves and consider other viewpoints. They don’t mind the disagreement as long as it’s done respectfully, and they appreciate someone who can challenge them to be the best version of themselves. I may be wrong though!!

[–]MirriMazDuur 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"Agreeableness" is one of the big five psychological characteristics and has little to do with disagreeing in political arguments :). " Agreeableness is a personality trait that can be described as cooperative, polite, kind, and friendly. People high in agreeableness are more trusting, affectionate, altruistic, and generally displaying more prosocial behaviors than others. ". It is a trait that is generally desired in women, but not so much in men.

[–]cathgirl15 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you! I must’ve been misunderstanding it. I’ll look into the big five characteristics.

[–]abacabbmk 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

the men I’ve dated who liked me the most were the ones who I disagreed with on fundamental issues

Where did those relationships end up? I think that may be your answer.

[–]cathgirl15 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m in a relationship with one of them right now (because the disagreements were on patterns of thought not values). The other ones didn’t go anywhere for good reason, but it wasn’t that they didn’t enjoy my company or want to be with me if that makes sense!

[–]abacabbmk -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My point is, dating doesnt mean anything. Guys are willing to put up with a lot in hopes to smash with no intention of anything long term. Its possible that they enjoyed the company and what not, but doesnt mean they saw you as serious marriage material.

Patterns of thought are important because thats how you think now and likely forever. Men are generally logical/fact based thinkers, so difference in pattern of thought can be perceived as red flags for compatibility to men.

Im not saying this is your case, im saying people need to be aware of how it can be perceived from the other side, and what may go through their heads.

[–]cathgirl15 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m completely chaste and very upfront when it comes to dating/courtship. I only date other chaste, catholic, and marriage-minded men. When I ended the relationships they tried to salvage them and asked for feedback going forward.

I understand your point, but these are situations where I know they’d be more than happy with continuing to discern marriage with me at the point I broke things off (ofc no guarantee that would’ve continued).

And I’m aware that thought patterns are important. That’s one reservation I’ve had, but I have decided that we are generally complementary (he’s more liberal when it comes to risk and I’m more conservative, so we can find a balance).

[–]KeertanMandali 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's largely because of modernism and Feminist doctrine that's inculcated in men these days, which teaches them to value masculine women. Not at all saying that it's a bad thing or good thing, but this is the fact.

[–]ni406nja 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You will have trouble attracting people who want you to have a lot of female energy. But, men in general have very different preferences and any kind of woman if she's beautiful and not crazy can attract a high quality man. Men have vastly different preferences to women's personality. Some like shy girls, some like ambitious girls, some like confident girls, some like bitchy and outgoing girls, some like kind and polite girls, some like strong women, some like submissive women, some want them to be intelligent, some want the to be dumber than them, and the list goes on.

It depends on what type of people you have in your social circle, if you can't find anyone good enough go find another social circle

[–]Jenneapolis 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So there are plenty of guys that are not into super feminine women. I have tons of friends who are more passive shy guys that are married to more take charge, non-feminine girls. However I think the question is what type of man you are attracted to. If you are looking for an alpha, HVM then you may want to focus on stepping up the femininity. However if you aren’t into that type of guy and are open to more of a shy, nerdy, or socially awkward type (and I don’t mean anything bad by that) I’m sure you can find that no problem! And I don’t think most women on here blindly submit or advocate for that at all, that’s not what’s required. Sensitivity to traditionally male needs is though for the HVM.

[–]FlakyImpact5838[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh, no I'm not in need of an alpha. Thank you for the insight!

[–]interesante94 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm a guy and I love strong women that know what they want and are easy to talk to. I can't speak for most guys though. You don't need to be feminine. You just need to vibe with our interests and be confident. Being attractive helps, but you don't need to be a 10/10.

I could never handle being any girls "hero" lol.

[–]JulesB954 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A lot of the ladies here have given you great advice. The only thing I will add is to remember that femininity is a spectrum, not a confined box. For example, it's not like you have to fit into a specific feminine stereotype or else you will be deemed masculine. Be you, but embrace your feminine side. Don't try to force yourself to be something your not as you will just end up angry and resentful. There are plenty of men who love "nerdy" women.

[–]PrincessTeex 7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

You can dress as feminine as you like, it means nothing if your character is masculine. I saw that you’re an INTJ. STP and NTJ women are naturally more masculine and they have to put more effort to become feminine but they have the ability to become the most feminine if they work at it.

[–]Environmental_Ad5867 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

INTJ here. I’m not really sure how true it is that NTJs are naturally more masculine. INTJs tend to be quite reserved with their own set of ideas, interests. Quite happy being alone. That said, none of these are exclusively masculine traits.

I’ve always been very feminine in how I carry myself and dress despite my quiet reserved nature. I’m not shy with how I speak and present myself (and as you said, you too- very INTJ). It’s a quiet confidence and that’s very attractive to the right person. I’ve never enjoyed girls nights out (it’s draining), manicures (impractical), despite that men have told me that they love how feminine I am.

Your femininity is yours to define. For me is giving ‘soft’ touches to things- voice, light touches, encouragement, support, making a home for my partner and I. You tend to attract masculinity that is reflective of your own feminine nature. My guess is that it’s unlikely you’d want someone who is very hyper-masculine because he would overwhelm you. With the right man and balance, you’d naturally work harmoniously.

What’s important is that you stay the best version of yourself and always strive to work on that. Also, you need a very clear idea of the type of man you’re looking for- It’ll save you a lot of heartache in the future. For me, Im aware of my own ideas, accomplishments and I wouldn’t so easily ‘submit’ to a man if I feel he didn’t earn in either. But my current SO, is a very masculine accomplished person too with leadership abilities that supersede my own. I respect him and ‘submit’ happily. That’s key. For INTJs, if you don’t respect your partner it just won’t work because you know what you’re made of.

[–]FlakyImpact5838[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Tank you so much for the insight and for rebounding off of what PrincessTeex had to say. It makes a lot of sense and I'm glad MBTI was incorporated.

[–]FlakyImpact5838[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for your response and for including the theory of MBTI into it. I thoroughly appreciate that and I do see that I tend to have more masculine traits.

[–]Artiramisu 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m an INTJ too, and we tend to have too much of what people here might interpret as “masculine pride”. Check out r/INTJfemale

A man biologically needs to feel “needed” to fall in love. My best friend is an INTJ too and is in a very happy relationship with an ENTJ - he’s her intellectual and social superior and leads her in their philosophical conversations, and they’re both madly in love. Find yourself an ENTJ, or an INTP who knows more than you do in the subjects that interest you.

[–]KittyFace11 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm an INTJ and very feminine. I love all the ladylike things and play with them: makeup, hats, dresses. I just do them for me, for the pure joy of it. I think my taking joy in my femininity is more the appeal for the males I meet then necessarily the actual makeup etc. Lol, I think that a feminine woman can still look alluring and feminine in things like combat boots and cargo pants if said items just underline the physical gender differences. For example, picture Marilyn Monroe in cargo pants etc and you'll see what I mean. If your cargo pants and combat boots actually erase your female form, however, they're probably not your best choice.

One thing is really suggest is exercising regularly in a way that makes you most aware of your body and how it moves. I do Pilates, yoga, calisthenics, ballet and weights. The point is to do exercises that sculpt your body as much to the perfect feminine form as possible. Your weight or other criteria are somewhat irrelevant; you are just trying to create feminine curves such as a small waist in proportion to your bust and hips. I find I need to exercise like this (I have my own private routines at home) so that I feel more "animal" and more alive, more in control of my own body. This personal power makes me feel much more female, and the resulting strength and fluidity of my body makes me feel much more feminine and confident. This makes me naturally flirtatious and playful, with both men and women--in a non-sexual way. (Good flirting is not sexual comeons, but rather a delight in being a human.)

The delight in being human seems to attract good people to me even when I don't talk. I think--aren't we most attracted to people who are comfortable in their own skin?

Btw: I, too, have many typically masculine interests. I study WWII and the Vietnam war and other war history, I read the Stoics along with Christian theory, I like car engines and bikes and fixing them, I am fascinated with fixing stuff, I read novels about complex ideas that men I know read but most women I know find boring (WEB Griffin/ith?, for example, all about the military and war: would recommend!), and other typically male things. However, it the same time, I crochet beautiful doilies, I knit things, I can mend, I play with sewing, and I have the reputation as an excellent cook. I like to make any place beautiful, especially with the work of my own hands. I relish making a place look loved. I think all of these things as "play", yet I think they all add up to being quite feminine.

And of course the more you love yourself and take pure joy in what you do, the more masculine you are if you are male--and the more feminine you are as a woman. INTJ's tend to have deep interests all over the place, and take pleasure at learning to be very good at them. INTJ women are also rare. I find this kind of thing is powerfully attractive to successful men--we can be endlessly fascinating to a man. I also find no problem in being a man's equal, yet submitting to him without losing my autonomy. After all, the strongest, healthiest man chooses also to be privately vulnerable with the woman he loves. Submitting is a gift we give to a man: it's not, in any way, being a doormat. It's allowing a man to become his best and truest self, another way of listening. Submission is the ability to know where you end and he begins, and to allow yourself to trust into him: our most valuable gift, I think.

(Edit: after "btw")

[–]Artiramisu 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

How do you go about finding a man worthy of your submission? I sometimes feel like nobody can lead me better than I lead myself.

[–]ass-thetics 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I find that more feminine women tend to attract more masculine guys and vice versa. So no, you will not have trouble, but you must figure out what kind of partner you are looking for.

[–]abacabbmk 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

to be honest activities, makeup, etc dont really matter. You do you, whatever makes you happy. Its what you do for him that matters.

Just look decent/appropriate weight, be supportive, follow his lead, dont be aggressive, etc.

You can support each other's goals but they need to be aligned and not get in the way of what each of you expect in a relationship. Thats what most people dont seem to get. Its not about you giving everything up, its about making goals compatible with lifestyle/relationship expectations. Because if they are not, then nobody is happy.

[–]moussakas 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hi! I also have a kind of masculine personality but once I met my current partner I naturally became more feminine to contrast his masculine energy. So while that feminine energy attracts a lot of men it isn’t absolutely necessary in finding a partner.

Also in my experience I’ve noticed that men find positive happy women very attractive, so there’s that too.

[–]throwawayisathing 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’d recommend you do some research I can recommend reading fascinating womanhood. It doesnt seem like you grasp the concept of RPW. Being feminine is being warm, open, caring etc. and your interest in makeup really doesn’t matter... submitting to your man means letting him lead, I don’t know why you find it disgusting, but If it does, then I don’t think RPW is for you.

[–]FlakyImpact5838[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was beginning to think that same. RPW may not be for me but thank you for your insight.

[–]Yourwifesboyfriendd 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t understand the controversy with the word submissive...we all do it...when you work for someone and you have a boss you have to be more submissive and follow directions...when you’re in school with a professor same thing...submissive doesn’t mean you’re weak..it means it’s not your place to lead that’s all lol

[–]plein_old 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You have to recognize what your biggest goals are, and then be willing to "unlearn" anything that prevents you from realizing those goals.

Our society teaches us to be dysfunctional and misinformed about all kinds of things, while at the same time it teaches us to be arrogant and feel that we are "superior", that we are incredibly wise and accomplished.

All that crap has to go in the trash if we discover that those beliefs are holding us back, or if we discover that our life is based on illusions and falsehoods. It's a long journey but I find that this journey makes people WAY more attractive to other people.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link


[–]FlakyImpact5838[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I wasn’t expecting anyone to use MBTI but it is seriously appreciated.

[–]StoopidISFJwastaken 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I literally obsess over it lol. I spend nearly every waking moment thinking about the cognitive functions.

[–]InvestNYourself 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s all in what you have to offer and what he needs and vice versa.

[–]k0unitX 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

No guy wants to date a girl where it's a constant fight for power between the two of them

[–]Gloomfeld 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Personally, I’d just encourage you to be your genuine self. Authenticity and living your “truth” is ultimately what’s going to attract people. You mentioned you feel as if you’re not feminine enough to attract someone, but why would you want someone who isn’t attracted to you? For me, and I know a lot of my other male friends, we really aren’t attracted to “girly girls” and abject femininity doesn’t do it for us. We want a powerful, strong, brave, outspoken and authentic female. We want a partner, not a trophy we can parade around a couple times a week when we get bored. I think tomboys are the absolute shit. Honestly, just in my experience with relationships. I present as a regular cisgendered male but I identify as Non-Binary and am severely autistic. I don’t make it a big thing or throw a autistic spaz attack when ppl say the wrong pronoun. I just know who I am. So I usually keep it to myself unless someone wants to get into specifics. In my experience I’ve found people find me attractive for who they think I am, not who I actually am. Once I lay everything on the table and go “take it or leave it”, 99% opt to leave it. Which is okay! I actually prefer that. I’d rather be single and happy with myself than be in a relationship with someone who didn’t actually like me for who I am. Because the difference between a toxic and healthy relationship, mainly, lies in the motivation behind it. True love is appreciation. Unless someone truly appreciates you for you, if they appreciate what you can be, or what they think you are- that’s consumption not love. They’re not exploiting you for what they want you to be for them, instead of just appreciating you for the wonderful amazing and awe inspiring person you are. So I hear your question, but I think you’re looking at the wrong aspect of the issue you’re dealing with. If you want to be appreciated, you’re going to have to learn how to appreciate yourself first, so that when someone does come along, and y’all are compatible. You will know the difference between appreciation and consumption.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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