TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't care about me

vanBeethovenLudwig
October 29, 2016
21 upvotes
/r/RedPillWomen

Been dating for almost 10 months, of course at the beginning few months of courtship he made huge efforts to make me laugh and take me out to dinner. He also used to thank me for cooking dinner for him (especially on nights he works overtime and doesn't have any food at his place) but now he doesn't. I last posted that I've been too soft of a place to land and we went through a phase where I was silently resentful because I've been cooking more for him and he's been taking me out less. Since then I voiced that I missed him a lot and wish we could go out together more and he's complied, so I see he's making an effort.

However, now that he's been taking me out more, it feels more like a burden for him to take me out rather than actually wanting to take me out. For instance he will invite me along to go out to eat with his friends, and he is so outgoing and polite to them and I feel like when he's with me the comfort level is too high and he's not making an effort with me anymore. It feels like he's just taking me along as a trophy girlfriend instead of actually trying to talk to me.

I do understand this familiarity comes with any LTR but I feel a bit taken for granted and I really miss the times where he used to make more effort to be affectionate towards me. I've maintained my level of affection for him (physically and verbally) but I'm wondering if I should give him some space because when I feel pretty rejected when he doesn't reciprocate the affection. Especially when we are alone he seems more reserved and "strict" with me where I've seen him be goofy around his friends. It sort of feels like he doesn't want to have fun with me be rather he wants a woman around him to be good for him.

Am I being reasonable or just trying to hold onto a fairytale relationship? Am I wishing for a beta where perhaps I don't really want one? Should I give him more space and let him come to me? I just need some help putting this in perspective.

Note: He always pays and drives when we go out. I'm also a generally light and cute girl, I don't nag him at all ever, and I tell him I appreciate him. I'm pretty good at making sure I'm "offering" something in the relationship. I give more oral sex than we have regular sex and we are regular in the bedroom. He might be going on a business trip in December and said he would take me along if it happens.

Also edited to say I've had this problem in the past with another LTR, I've been way too nice and submissive that he took me for granted and stopped doing things for me.

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the subreddit /r/RedPillWomen.

/r/RedPillWomen archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

PDF TXT EPUB
Share
Share Tweet Reddit Email
Post Information
Title I feel like my boyfriend doesn't care about me
Author vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes 21
Comments 25
Date October 29, 2016 5:51 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-feel-like-my-boyfriend-doesnt-care-about-me.86596
https://theredarchive.com/post/86596
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/59z6ae/i_feel_like_my_boyfriend_doesnt_care_about_me/
Red Pill terms in post
betalong term relationship
Top posts by vanBeethovenLudwig

GTFU. Grow The F*** Up.

253 upvotes
September 6, 2020
/r/RedPillWomen

Don't be fat.

144 upvotes
December 11, 2017
/r/RedPillWomen

Why hobbies are so important

128 upvotes
January 27, 2018
/r/RedPillWomen

The goodness of a woman's heart

124 upvotes
October 8, 2018
/r/RedPillWomen

Modern women choosing traditional masculinity

91 upvotes
May 21, 2018
/r/RedPillWomen

Childlike vs. Childish

75 upvotes
June 29, 2017
/r/RedPillWomen

Example of why single motherhood is bad for children

69 upvotes
May 8, 2017
/r/RedPillWomen

An "interesting woman with a brain."

66 upvotes
November 15, 2017
/r/RedPillWomen
Comments

[–]FleetingWishEndorsed Contributor35 points36 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

This is why you go to your captain with your problem, not your solution.

Your solution was for him to take you out more often. The results were that he started doing it, but it didn't actually make you feel better because you didn't address the actual issue.

Your problem is that your feeling less affection from him, and a little worried about that he is losing interest in you. Tell him how your feeling, then let him decide how to deal with it. Then you will know that the ideas and affection are coming from him, which is really what you need.

[–]nonnimoose3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is why you go to your captain with your problem, not your solution.

Wait, a guy that a woman has been dating for 10 months is her captain? IMO (and maybe this goes against the whole idea of being a red pill woman, I don't know) accepting the captain role in relationship should be both an honor and a responsibility for a guy and a woman should vet, vet, vet before she agrees to let some guy be her captain. The whole captain/first officer relationship takes place in either a husband/wife or significant other dynamic - not in the courtship stage which should be for figuring out if you want to get to the "serious" stage or not.

Also my opinion - this particular guy should not be promoted to captain. It's been 10 months and the relationship is not only not progressing, it's regressing. Life is short in general and time before "the wall" is even shorter. Time to move on.

[–]FleetingWishEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you make a interesting point. But, I don't quite agree with you. Let me explain.

You are right in one respect, Captainhood is a status earned overtime. What I talk about when I use capital "C" is the complete trust that is built through a relationship that makes a man your Captain.

However, here is where I think we disagree. When you are vetting for a Captain, you must treat a man like a captain. When I use a little "c" in this context, I don't mean complete trust, what I mean is... Captain tests. You have to give a man a little bit of your trust a little bit at a time, to see if he deserves more of your trust. This is how you build trust in your relationship and know if your man is worthy of Captainhood.

In this particular case, she is in a perfect opportunity to treat this guy like a captain. Because if she comes to him with vulnerability she doesn't have a lot to lose in this situation. If he passes, then this guy might make a great Captain, but if he doesn't then maybe she should look for the next one. He passes the test by simply showing her needs are important to her. It is by doing this, that she will learn if this guy is worthy of the trust that makes a guy a great Captain.

In otherwords, she should probably not trust this guy with everything like she would a real Captain. (Finances, moving, etc. Big decisions). But she should treat him like a captain in small situations (where to eat dinner, caring about her feelings, etc. Small decisions) that don't cost her anything to see if he is worthy of Captainhood.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor6 points7 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Ok, this is sound advice but I'm afraid of coming off as accusatory. My first instinct is to say "I feel like you don't care about me" but this sounds entitled and whining. What's a better way of telling him?

[–]trapped_in_a_box4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It took us a couple of years to figure this one out in our relationship. He just isn't as affectionate as I am, abs didn't take it well when I told him it felt like he didn't care. Is there any signs of caring that you may be missing? He might be speaking a different "love language" than you do.

Also, I realized that the more I was involved in my own day to day and the less I focused on what I felt he was giving to me, the more he gave in my language on his own. We are at a point now where I can ask for a snuggle or a date and we can both be content.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, I definitely understand for most guys the love language is a lot different. Actually I don't think his is touch because there were a few times I've really clung onto him for a cuddle and he's actually told me he was uncomfortable. I guess I'm frustrated because he used to be so physically affectionate at the beginning so I thought he understood my language but turns out not.

He does show me he cares in other ways, like he is a pretty strong provider figure, right now we don't share housing but he always pays and he's told me he has thoughts about taking care of me in the future (meaning providing so I don't have to work), plus he is consistent in communicating with me (like always texting me good morning or if I haven't texted him in a while he'll call to make sure I'm OK). He always tells me if I want something I can ask.

We're just going through a relationship comfort stage where it's not all fuzzy and new and I'm a very touchy person who needs cuddles and hand holding and lots of sex. He's an engineer and from my father, brother, relatives and past LTR I do notice they tend to be provider figures who like their space. I'm afraid of pushing the relationship too much and invading his space so I'm trying really hard to deal with this lack of affection. And to be fair, it's not like he completely ignores me. We cuddled pretty hard after amazing sex three nights ago and yesterday we cuddled on the beach for a bit but I think I just a needy person who needs more touch to feel secure...

[–]trapped_in_a_box3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Mine is an engineer too - that's funny.

Working on my need for physical affection helped me the most. I couldn't ask mine to give me as much as I needed, so I learned how to need less and take more from the other stuff. I've been a full time student for the past two years, and we run a business together - I learned to take more comfort from the non-touch support he gives me and how hard he works to help me succeed. It was hard.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's good to know how you dealt with it. I have to keep telling myself he cares in other ways. It will be difficult especially as I see he's pretty friendly to his friends that are girls (who all have boyfriends/husbands) so I think that's what hurt me sometimes was that I felt he wasn't as nice to me. But if I think about it I'm also more polite and friendly to acquaintances in general as well. I think it's a comfort issue.

[–]plein_old1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What's a better way of telling him?

You could say "I feel X", for example: "I feel I want more affection".

This is a bit different from saying "You are bad, you suck, you never do XYZ, you are awful" haha, or whatever.

The first one is a confession of how one feels, or what one wants. It's more personal. It's more brave, and intimate.

As children or teenagers, many of us are taught that we're not supposed to admit that we want anything. Instead we're supposed to manipulate and try to control people and situations, while pretending that we don't want anything.

The second way of communicating is more indirect and has more layers of strategy and complication built into it. And is a bit harder for decent people to respond to.

[–]ropper11 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh wow this is so good. I now realize I do this. Thank you!

[–]Mentathiel2 points3 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

If you want conversation and goofiness, invite it. Be interesting. It's not enough just not to be a shrew, you have to be engaging. There doesn't seem to be anything you're doing that would make him distant or resentful in any way, so the only reason he might treat you so differently from his friends is that he doesn't find you as interesting.

Although you're right, it might be because you're always around and he takes you for granted. So get busy! Don't neglect anything you do for him right now, but pick up a hobby, go out with your girlfriends more, start a project. After a while he will stop feeling like you're always available, he'll recognize that you put forth effort for him because he'll realize you have other enjoyable things you could be doing, he'll get the feeing of scarcity of time with you because he doesn't have you around when he wants and when he doesn't and you'll generally be craving his attention a bit less because you'll keep yourself busy.

Other than that, I agree with letting him know. This can pile up on you and you can start using a defense mechanism, like not caring yourself and growing distant out of fear that your care isn't reciprocated. He probably knows the difference between how you feel and how you think reality is. Let him know that you feel unappreciated, although you know how much he appreciates you, just that you don't feel it come through in the same way it used to and it scares you. It's not his fault, he seems to be trying hard for you, he isn't supposed to read minds, so if anything, it's your responsibility to communicate what you need. So if he starts feeling guilty try and make these things clear to him.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

That's the thing though, I do lead a pretty independent life outside of him. I've got my own group of friends and I have hobbies and working on a project. I'm always texting him pictures of things I'm doing without him and I went on a short weekend trip with a girlfriend a few weeks ago. The problem is when we're actually together in person. He's totally supportive and interested in what I'm doing with my life, but I'm someone that likes to go along for the ride and be a supporting figure so I'm not exactly an "entertaining" person during my downtime (plus I'm a performing artist/teacher so my work is full of being social, engaging and interesting, when I'm not working I need to recharge and not talk to anyone).

Basically I'm an interesting person in my own life but when I'm with him I want to relax and be quiet. It's quite strange. But he seems to be the same in a way, like he's had a long day and wants me to sit with him while he eats and just listen to him talk. Last night I was trying to be fun and teasing him and he just did not seem in the mood for it. Like he really just does want me to be a soft place to land and not a going out buddy.

[–]positiveBAMF1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Like he really just does want me to be a soft place to land and not a going out buddy.

It's almost as if he wants you as his significant other. :o

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ahahahaha haha hahaha 😂😂😂

[–]Mentathiel0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy Link

Hm... That does seem wonderful! But if he does want to talk to you and wants you to listen to him and if you want to recharge and be the quite one and enjoy being supportive... where does the disconnect come from? Do you spend less time together? Is he less enthusiastic about telling you about his day than he used to be? Or are things just the same and you got bored with them?

Also, how long has this dissatisfaction of yours been going on? It might be a temporary mood. Once me and my SO overthinked things to the point of feeling like you and then I just joked about how we're having performance anxiety about spending time together and that snapped him out of it and he snapped me out of it. xD Might be something of that sort, a self-perpetuating mood?

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor3 points4 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

The dissatisfaction came from recently hanging out with a friend of his. He used to live in Africa before we met and met this girl there, who is married (and was married when they met) and my boyfriend is also friends with her husband. All four of us hung out twice in the last few weeks and he was teasing the wife and giving her way more attention than me. Granted the wife works for a major airline company and gave him essentially free international plane tickets for almost one year so I realize he is trying to be a good friend and good company but I guess I was feeling a little jealous he was giving her so much attention right in front of me (and her husband was there with us too). So that's where the insecurity comes from.

Some of it is also a temporary self perpetuating mood for sure!! I've been trying to be better about it but after the incidents seeing him being so friendly to another woman in front of me then I started being even more insecure.

[–]Mentathiel1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Oh, jealousy is a whole other can of worms.

First, why does that make you jealous?

Is he giving her the kind of attention you don't normally receive and you're jealous? If so, do you think he's treating her "special" because he finds her more attractive and fresh, or perhaps because he knows you far better and knows your needs and what kind of approach to take with you and is just trying to be a textbook flirt with her because he actually isn't putting any effort in?

How far did he go? Did he just flatter her a bit and joke on her husband's expense, or did her husband also seem to mind and think he's crossed the line? How did she respond? Did she take it as a serious advance or just polite flattery?

Depending on your answers, you're either feeling insecure for some reason or he really crossed the line into disrespect of you and her husband.

I've never been much of a jealous person, so I can't help you there. I suppose the logic goes like this: Would he leave you? If so, why? Fix that. If it can't be fixed, consider whether you're dragging him down if you're so unworthy of him he has a really good reason not to be with you and you can't help it. If he wouldn't leave you, why worry? If it's because your needs aren't met, talk to him about it and fix it (taking all the challenges reality poses into account) and if you can't, then you can't be happy with him. If your needs are met, but you keep feeling insecure and needy over some normal threshold, you have self-esteem issues. If so, fix them. If you feel insecure because other women are better than you, put things into perspective, consider all of their characteristics and if they really are better than you consider whether they're from their point of view at your SO's level. If they're above him, your SO is as aware of it as you are of the fact that you can't have a Hollywood movie star. If they're on his level, then so are you and he choose you for a reason and he wouldn't create drama and conflict for the sake of novelity (if you've vetted well). If they're bellow him, then they're bellow you or you have to step up your game.

It always comes down to the same thing, so there's no reason to stress over it. You should focus on yourself primarily.

Oh, also, your worries might be a projection of your own instincts. Some of us are born more hypergamous than others and have stronger instincts towards it. Nothing bad, just means you have to put in some more effort into loyalty and not rationalizing. But if you do struggle with this, it's important to remember that not everybody does. If your guy is a good guy, I think he wouldn't make the sort of comments he did if he struggled with it, he'd know not to allow himself to get into a situation that would tempt him. So, provided that you've vetted properly, his openness could be a sign that he doesn't worry about getting too tempted at all and considers you very worthy of him. This, however, still doesn't advance your public image very much if he does these sorts of things in front of you or in your social circles at all, so you might want to talk to him about it because of that, I don't know.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can give you a short answer now because on my phone - the husband was fine with it and the wife treats him like a good friend/brother. There was nothing sexual about the teasing, it's pretty much all harmless but I was jealous because lately he hasn't treated me so flirtatiously. My gut instinct is that it's harmless and they are really just friends (because I have had these sorts of guy/girl friendships where the guy is like my brother so I do understand the friendship dynamic) but still I got jealous because of stupid things he did. She teased him too and he was obviously having fun but then I tried to tease him he did not respond at all. It felt hurtful that he didn't respond to my teasing but did to her, does that make sense?

Also granted, she had just gotten fired from her job and they're moving out of the country so I suppose that's why he was so friendly to her, but I've never been with them before she had gotten fired so I don't understand the dynamic. But I felt like a loser because I was obviously not the fun cute girl (even though we're the same age) even though generally I'm pretty easy going and bubbly. Maybe I'm being competitive, I don't know.

My boyfriend doesn't usually like it when I do aggressive things like jump on him or playfully smack him (he'll actually look at me and say don't do that) but last night the girl smacked him on the arm/back a few times and he just teased her in return. I found it really unfair why he would be so displeased when I do it but it's fine if she does it. Perhaps because she's just a friend he won't be so disagreeable but with a girlfriend he sees often he has to actually "manage" me if that makes sense.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

Ok, just read through your response more carefully. Yes, I should definitely work on myself and I'm trying really hard to be the stronger person and stop being so anxious. I think you are correct on the self-esteem issue. Although I'm not sure why I have low self-esteem, in other areas of my life I'm very confident and I'm very easily able to get dates when single, but for some reason in this particular relationship I'm have very low self-esteem. My past two LTRs adored me and I was the one to break up things. I think my current guy has a higher SMV (although I do realize he's not perfect and definitely has his faults, he's 34 and hasn't married because of financial reasons and tells me he feels like a loser sometimes). But I think you're right about the self perpetuating mood. I'm trying hard to distract myself more and try not to be so clingy. If I rationalize his actions he is loyal to me, it's just my insecure emotions that's keeping me from accepting it.

[–]Mentathiel0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

I found it really unfair why he would be so displeased when I do it but it's fine if she does it.

Can't you think of anything you'd accept from your friends, but not from your SO? There are just some things that hurt us more because we're closer and more vulnerable to each other. Perhaps he's sensitive to the issue of women feeling entitled to hit guys or perhaps he feels that's what they do when they don't know how to express themselves better or maybe it feels like a subconscious struggle for control. (I have nothing against playful hitting, I just understand these sentiments.) That's why he's not going to make a scene out of socially acceptable behavior, nor is he going to be bothered with someone who he feels nothing for feeling entitled to him, but when somebody who he loves acts like that he's actually not sure if he's in control anymore, and that's because he generally isn't, at least not solely, not matter how far you go in establishing certain power dynamics, because he feels attachment to you and he wants to protect his access to you.

My past two LTRs adored me and I was the one to break up things.

Why did you break up? If you thought they weren't good enough for you in the end, did you maybe date down because you thought you weren't good enough? If you date down, ofc you'll have confidence in the relationship and ofc they're going to worship you. I don't know the details on why you broke up, but if this holds true, then you might have had self-esteem issues when it comes to romance for much longer than you're aware.

Perhaps you could consider counseling or really get to digging deeper at those issues yourself? The surface things don't matter, except noticing patterns in what you react to, try to find a deeper reason behind your emotions.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Regarding the past two LTRs, you know, for me I never specifically targeted to date down. Both of the relationships happened because they were the only people in which the feelings were mutual so obviously we continued seeing each other. But I can definitely say the past LTRs were with guys who never had girlfriends before so yes, I was a "catch" for them. I broke up with them because of hypergamy.

Yes, that's definitely true about accepting things from friends that I couldn't accept from my boyfriend and/or family. I guess if I had to have it one way or another, I'd rather my boyfriend be more supportive than teasing.

I've thought about trying to dig deeper into this self-esteem issue because it also ties into another fear of abandonment that I also cannot understand because I grew up in a loving family. I'm trying to seek some help but I live in a country with limited access to health care (especially mental health) and I'm terrified of bringing this up to my boyfriend because I acknowledge it's not attractive to have problems.

[–]Mentathiel1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I broke up with them because of hypergamy.

lol well, all breakups happen because of hypergamy, really. But the point is you've, if subconsciously, dated down. Perhaps you were inexperienced and didn't realize you could score better or it was actual insecurity, but you've been underestimating yourself either way. Develop the mindset of being "a catch" to your current SO, but him also being "a catch" to you. You both complement each other perfectly, probably your interests match, your ways of spending time match, you match sexually, you work hard for each other, isn't that a hell of a catch for both of you, regardless of where you may be on some more objective SMV scale, as long as you're pretty close on it?

I've thought about trying to dig deeper into this self-esteem issue because it also ties into another fear of abandonment that I also cannot understand because I grew up in a loving family.

I've actually struggled with abandonment issues a lot in the past. My father died when I was 7 and that made me painfully aware of human mortality and I'm to this day stuck sometimes selfishly wishing to die before my SO. I've never been aware of this until I was graduating from elementary school (that's at 15 where I live) and I've realized I've felt nothing about drifting apart from my best friends. And they were my life at the time. They were all mourning, crying, promising to stay in contact forever etc. and I just knew we would drift apart, I was extremely cynical at their ordeal and I've felt nothing in the face of knowledge that I'll loose them all. And then I've realized that I've been subconsciously blocking myself from forming real attachments. I cried a river of fear at the prospect of having to deal with this quirk for the rest of my life. At the time I just felt tricked and upon realizing that my mind was able to trick and control me for almost a decade, I felt powerless against it.

It took a lot of awareness of what exactly my mind was doing whenever I felt like I didn't care and a lot of chipping away at my rationalization mechanisms. I would catch myself doing it and then analyze it and overanalyze it and become hyperaware of it for a while and then forget it again and then catch myself at it again and become terribly afraid I'm never gonna get rid of it and on and on it went, but ultimately it came down to accepting that I will loose everybody that I hold dear eventually, but that the pain is worth it when I consider what I could have with them. And only now did I realize that this might be the reason jealousy is so foreign to me. I've already come to terms with loosing people, eventually. I've already come to terms with them being a separate entity, a free entity and an entity that isn't mine to have and control, but belongs to nature, as I do. And with this need to possess I let go of the fear of abandonment. Not that I did it completely or perfectly, I'm only human, there are ways in which I'm still jealous rarely and I'm usually very needy, probably to compensate, but on a fundamental level I understand my inability to possess people fully and that frees me from the need to try and control them a lot of the time.

I acknowledge it's not attractive to have problems

We all have problems. I find it extremely unattractive when men have problems, can't deal with them, yet try to hide them and act strong. Acting strong is for those who can fix problems, being strong means reaching out when you can't do things yourself. First of all, those who love you see when you struggle even when you're not telling them and you're causing them even more worry by not explaining. Second of all, you're building up resentment and negative emotions towards them and treating them worse than you would if you opened up and got help. Third of all, being vulnerable is not unattractive in women, men like to see that you rely on them and trust them, just as long as you're willing to accept their attempts to fix the problem and work on it yourself. If you just want to complain to unwind, they'll probably look down on it. Fourth of all, if you share emotional struggles you'll get to know each other better and bond over them and learn to cater to your specific individual needs like nobody else can. There's literally no downside to this except having to deal with the problem, but the problem won't go away if you don't share it, it could just get even worse, so if you're dealing with it anyway and he's dealing with the consequences, might as well get the benefits of being open with him.

So go ahead and work on it together.

Btw it's not always attractive to have problems, things that can be transferred genetically are usually a red flag to people who want kids, and things like chronic anxiety, depression or bipolar can be really taxing on a relationship and require the amount of effort somebody doesn't want to sign up for. Belonging to the dark triad would be out of the question for most people. Severe cases of PTSD can be extremely dangerous. But having normal human emotions and troubles and insecurities is normal and everyone has them regularly (the severity just varies, but they have had them as bad as you do or will have them, in all likelihood) and to ignore the fact is worse than to be proud of it. They're imperfections and there's a certain shame involved with having them, but you should be proud that you're willing to face them and that you're willing to seek help if you need it.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Develop the mindset of being "a catch" to your current SO, but him also being "a catch" to you.

Sometimes I do feel this way. The problem is then I start thinking "ok if I'm such a catch why hasn't he blshblahblah or why is he giving more attention to another woman" and then I'm entitled. On the other hand when I don't think this way I feel completely inadequate and have to work to earn my worth. It becomes an unhealthy mindset. I don't exactly know how to have a "middle ground" self-esteem.

Second of all, you're building up resentment and negative emotions towards them and treating them worse than you would if you opened up and got help.

Sadly I'm already observing this. I just don't know where to get help. I am not kidding you there is a lack of mental health care in my country.

Third of all, being vulnerable is not unattractive in women, men like to see that you rely on them and trust them, just as long as you're willing to accept their attempts to fix the problem and work on it yourself.

This is a good point. I think I'm fixated on being perfect because a lot of happy relationships (that I've observed) it seems like the woman is put on a pedestal because she's so happy and bubbly and doesn't have a problem in the world. I feel pressure to be perfect so that I can be put on this pedestal. Additionally my first LTR had problems because I had too many problems, that's why I started hiding them. At least in that relationship, I was unattractive because I had problems.

Fourth of all, if you share emotional struggles you'll get to know each other better and bond over them and learn to cater to your specific individual needs like nobody else can.

Yes.

There's literally no downside to this except having to deal with the problem, but the problem won't go away if you don't share it, it could just get even worse, so if you're dealing with it anyway and he's dealing with the consequences, might as well get the benefits of being open with him.

Yeah, I've been thinking about it. Whenever we see each other it's either 1) at night when he's worked overtime and had a horrible day or 2) both out with friends and come home late/he drops me off before driving to his place. There seems to be no good time to talk. And when I'm upset or building up resentment he's not there (because I'm self perpetuating in my head). We've had some minor fights over text (I know it's not good) but there is literally no good time to bring up issues.

Hey you're a really wise woman to talk to! Are you really only 18? You're incredibly mature and I'm sure your SO is happy to have you.

[–]Equilibriun0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

As a person who's selfish with his time, the words " I feel like you don't care about me/you are never there for me" Are the best message of someone saying " I'm taking you for granted now"

One of my ltrs said that to me. "Oh, let me show you what it looks like when I don't care or I'm not there" and then ghost for a week. She got it pretty quickly, that there is a difference when I'm actually not around. It goes both ways. You are getting comfortable as well.

Depending on who he's hanging with. If I'm with my boys I've known literally half my life, I'm more hype than usual because mentally it sends me back to how I was as a teenager. I enter a different frame then my normal state of mind of slight ups and downs. A rare time when I'm comfortable not being calm.

[–]videlachkadua0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Try to tell him the best you can. It's very hard because I have the same problem but this is the only way to not be passive aggressive. Just be upfront, but not to the point when you sound rude. I hope I helped and if I didn't just ignore my answer. I do agree with the answers, so yeah do your best in your relationship.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2023. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter