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I first learned submission on the back of a bike.

_Pumpkin_Muffin
September 21, 2022
193 upvotes
/r/RedPillWomen

Just trying to capture what this submission thing really means for me.

​

***

​

The first time my butt landed on my then-boyfriend motorbike, I had absolutely no clue. I asked him what was I supposed to do.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Well, just trust me and follow me. If I lean down, lean down with me, don't struggle to remain upright. Relax and hold on to me."

Ah! That was not nothing. That was not nothing, I tell you. Following was hard work. But I did it, and loved it, and every time, every ride reinforced the idea in my mind - he could drive, I could follow. I could trust him with this. easy, really easy. Beautiful. Exhilarating. When we leaned down, I could enjoy the thrill, knowing that he would never let us fall.

Then, one time, we fell.

And I got scared.

It was my fault, really: he leaned down when I wasn't expecting it, I made a sudden movement in reaction, and down we went. Up close and personal with the asphalt. It was very gentle, for a fall, and we didn't get hurt at all. My boyfriend got up, made sure everyone was okay (first the bike, then me; not that I hold a grudge) and didn't mention once that it was my fault.

He asked if I'd rather go home, or if I still wanted to take the scenic mountain route he'd been planning. Let's go on, I said. Either way, I'd need to get back on the bike, and I didn't want our ride to end like this.

I didn't know that "scenic mountain route" is almost always code for "shitty, dirty, narrow road with no guard rail and a very pretty view on a fucking chasm, just in case you need a reminder of your own mortality". Or at least that's how it seemed at the time. And of course it was too narrow to turn back, once we realized how bad it was.

I didn't know how scared I'd get at every curve, tensing up, holding extra-extra-extra tight, shutting my eyes and gritting my teeth. My body, my mind, my whole being was simply convinced that we'd fall again and this time get REALLY hurt.

He pulled over after a while. I tensed up again, convinced that something was wrong with the bike.

"What's wrong?"

"No, you tell me what's wrong." (he said it much more gently than I can capture here, really.)

"Nothing." (he was facing forward, but I can swear he rolled his eyes at this.) "I'm just scared we're going to fall again."

That, again, was not nothing.

"I understand, but this is a difficult road. If you keep tensing up, pulling against me, trying to go the opposite direction, it makes it even more difficult. I can't drive if you don't trust me."

I took a deep breath and signaled we could go.

​

***

​

On the back of his bike I first learned that submission could be easy and beautiful. Oh, I knew already what kind of relationship I wanted, but I'd never... tasted it like this. Never trusted a man so blindly, so completely. Never felt that my trust was so crucial.

And then I learned that sometimes it would NOT be easy.

Sometimes the road is narrow and difficult and I'm convinced it will all go wrong. And that's when he needs my trust the most. If I only trust him when I know things will go well, if I only follow him when he goes in the direction I want... does it even MEAN anything?

So that's the question, really. What will I do when it gets hard? When I don't agree? When I'm scared? When we could get hurt? When I know he could mess up? When I'm convinced he will mess up?

Ohhhh if I could answer now, with certainty, that of course I will trust him and follow him. But fuck. I am human, too. So I stay up and subject you all to my 4 a.m. musings.

​

***

​

The view was beautiful, by the way.

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Post Information
Title I first learned submission on the back of a bike.
Author _Pumpkin_Muffin
Upvotes 193
Comments 61
Date September 21, 2022 3:16 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-first-learned-submission-on-the-back-of-a-bike.1132271
https://theredarchive.com/post/1132271
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/xjtaj3/i_first_learned_submission_on_the_back_of_a_bike/
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Comments

[–]SunshineSundressEndorsed Contributor 34 points35 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

What a beautiful story!

This is such a good metaphor for what submission truly means, and also why it’s ultimately the best way forward for RPWs. u/pearlsandstilettos, can we give her a point for this?

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Awww thank you!

[–]exclaim_bot 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Awww thank you!

You're welcome!

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good bot.

[–]HoneydewFlashy7858 24 points25 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

An excellent explanation. It is easy to be submissive when everything is going smooth, as anticipated, and in sync. Submission is so hard when it's the opposite of what we feel is safe and right. I'm currently struggling with this with my husband but I find when I go against my hesitation, it matters most. He flourishes, grows, and loves and adores me more. I wish I could take back all those times I threw tantrums when I thought his ideas were risky, silly and wrong. Because when I didn't submit and support him he grew more resentful, less ambitious, and pulled away. I'm a slow learner but he acknowledges my efforts and I hope to one day be his submissive, supportive and respectful wife. Progress is what's important. Thank you for sharing this.

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it matters most because it's a conscious choice, not a mindless "going with the flow". The balance between being supportive and speaking your mind is a tricky one, but worth finding.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This brings back so many memories.

When I learned to ride we got similar bikes and put intercoms in our helmets. A few times Guy picked a direction that resulted in me following his instructions while my heart beat out of my chest. When he said I could do it, he was always right

The only time I spilled... totally my fault. Did you know that you can't stop on gravel? Because the man yelling in my ear "this isn't where we stop" ... He knew 😂

Beautiful post.

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I was hoping you'd leave a comment! :D

I don't ride. He wants to teach me, but that's wayyyy out of my comfort zone. He offered me a choice, he could either teach me how to ride or how to shoot, one of the two. Me being me, I chose the one that sounded less dangerous. Turns out I'm a semi-decent shot.

We chat over our intercoms all the time, with the occasional threat to turn it off at my horrible singing or his awful dad jokes lol. I learned that when the road is nice, I can relax and speak whatever is on my mind. When the road is difficult, I hold on to him and STFU so he can drive. For anyone worried about me "blindly following", don't worry, the day he decides to drive us into a chasm I'll say something.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

LMAO at the people who are so worried that you are following blindly. It's like they've never had an experience where they were not the expert.

I had to learn to shoot too. My father in law started the training on that one. I killed a can my first time out.

A lot of states in the US have a motorcycle riders course where they teach you on low powered bikes (250 cc). This is how I learned and then we did parking lots with him watching me ride over the headset and then we went out into the less populated country roads. It was a huge process to learn. Now I haven't been on a bike since my first pregnancy and I know I will have to relearn it all.

I'd prefer to passenger but it was important for him that I could ride on my own so 🤷

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

LMAO indeed. No one who knows me would ever be worried that I won't speak my mind when I feel the need LOL.

Mayyyybeeee I'll try the next time he brings it up. I manage to quite literally skirt around the issue by making sure I only brought dresses with me when we went to the country. Can't ride in those, ah!

[–]stripe_throwaway1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

OMG this reminds me of the first time my dad had me ride on the back of his motorcycle and I'm crying now.

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

oh, stripe <3

[–]babyegirll 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So well written! Thank you for sharing.

[–]goddessoflove1234 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're an amazing writer!❤️

[–]chrisdidwht 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a cool story. I ride too but ive never had a woman on the back of my bike. Mostly because i had a bobber (one seater) most of my time riding. But yes its all true. You need to move with him. Especially in the turns. Good on you for trusting him. Im sure it was an incredible bonding experience.

[–]---Starlight--- 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This brought back memories of riding around on my first boyfriends bike. I needed this thank you!

[–]sunglasses903 Stars 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is really well written and I’ve felt this so many times already with my fiancé.

[–]TheBunk_TB 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I actually wanted to do a post on what the opposite looks like.

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Please do, that would be an interesting read!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great post! I enjoyed reading this :)

[–]xoxobenji 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think your summarized it perfectly. I can submit when everything is good but when things get hard like wedding planning or some major life event happens, that’s when I have a hard time really trust my SO and submitting.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (28 children) | Copy Link

There's one thing I don't get about your post.

You realise that your bf is only human too and he could very well be just a shit driver? What happens to your submission then?

And I'm not a feminist. But I think the ideal of submission is...well...an ideal that can't always be practical.

Unless you dump that bf in favour of a good driver, metaphorically speaking?

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'll preface with this (please, imagine a very kind voice here, I don't mean to be harsh): this is my story, not an invitation to debate my relationship. I'm not here to debate anyone's relationship dynamics, including mine.

I find that what you wrote about a bit further down - smiling, taking off his shoes, serving dinner - doesn't really mean anything for me. I'm grumpy way too often. I don't take off his shoes. Most of the time, he's the one cooking and serving me. They are nice things, but they don't satisfy the thirst I've always had for submission.

Will my husband defer to me on some things? Sure! If someone is in need of medical assistance, you can bet he'll step aside and let me do my f'ing job. If something needs to get done and I'm the most equipped to call the shots, or if he needs me to take something off his plate, or if I am passionate about something and he doesn't care as much as I do... "whatever you want/think is best, Muffin" is a perfectly acceptable answer in our home, and one that gets used frequently. He already had a sports car when he married me - he wanted a wife, not something pretty and silent.

Does this answer your doubts about practicality?

***

So, about my thirst for submission.

Submission for me is not an ideal. It's what I want. It's what I yearn for. The way I'm wired, sexually and romantically.

Other people will be wired differently - I don't care. We have a saying in the BDSM scene - Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's Ok - and well: your relationship dynamic is not mine and that's ok. I am not advertising submission to people who don't want to submit (at least not in the way I do). This is not about what other people should do, about men, women, gender norms, blah blah blah. I'm not here to tell anyone what they should do and what should work for them: you do you, and I'm happy if it works for you (within the limits of reason, respect for other people, basic human rights etc, insert all the necessary caveats here).

I firmly believe that anyone should be free to choose their own path. I'll choose mine, thank you very much.

***

Of course my husband is not the perfect driver going in the perfect direction. He'll make mistakes. I married a human being, not a prop from my erotic collection. I don't trust him unconditionally and my trust can always be lost (I actually wrote about the trust-building process and possible loss here, if you're interested).

We built this trust.

He showed me, again and again, that I could indeed trust him with this. With us.

He didn't take me on a difficult road the first time we rode together: he took me to buy all the protective gear, he explained safety norms, showed me how to turn off the bike in case of an emergency, made sure I knew how to fall safely, etc. I slowly got how to trust him with this, while he slowly adjusted to having me as a passenger. And we learned together.

He actually said I'm the best passenger he ever had, because I trusted him.

But the thing is - when you get on a motorbike, you accept that you might fall. It's part of the game. Maybe you're going to fall, and maybe you're going to get hurt. So, what do you do? Personally, I get on the bike.

I might choose to stay home. I might choose to get a car and take turns driving, or drive all the time. I might choose to take a nice long walk together.

But I WANT to get on that bike, and be a passenger.

I chose a good driver, not a dickhead. If I'd had any doubts he would be a dickhead, I wouldn't have gotten on that bike with him at all. That's the key: when you want to follow, you choose someone who's worth of leading you. And sometimes, when you feel scared or anxious, you need to trust that choice you made.

Of course he's going to make mistakes, and I'm going to make mistakes, and sometimes things will go wrong without it being anyone's fault. We vowed to stay together for better and for worse, and I'm just beginning to grasp how huge a vow we made.

Of course we're going to fall.

What did he do, when we fell?

Did he mope? Complain? Whine? Blame me? Did he say "nope, that's it, we're going home"? No. He picked himself up, made sure we were ok, and got back on the bike. I didn't need him to start questioning himself or stop in a panic, I needed him to drive us safely through the route we'd chosen. And when the road was difficult, he got the job done.

That's the person I want with me when we go through health issues, children, losses, life.

[–]BadgeryFox 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are a really good writer! Your post and comments are a joy to read, very engaging. Almost to the point that I forgot that I'm on reddit and not reading a short-story^ Thanks for sharing!

[–]stripe_throwaway1 points [recovered] (18 children) | Copy Link

If you've ever been on the back of a motorcycle, it's actually dangerous for the rider to counterbalance against the driver, so shit driver or not, it's more dangerous to try to correct because the driver then has to accommodate your over-correcting with their own. Recipe for disaster.

As for your actual question on how this works in a relationship, it's a perfect analogy. You find someone you can trust with your life who is going in a direction you want to go in life and you go about it together while following their lead. It's not about being a doormat, because being a passenger on a motorcycle takes work and establishing boundaries too. If you lean in with the driver like what is ideal, it can become quite an ab and leg workout. If you're not comfortable with the driver popping wheelies, then hopefully you've vetted to make sure he's not into doing daredevil stuff either or that he will respect this boundary.

[–][deleted] -5 points-4 points  (17 children) | Copy Link

Well.

I have to say I don't believe there should be blind following in any relationship.

I'm a woman and will act how I feel a natural woman at all times, and yeah its my pleasure to smile and even take a guys shoes off for him or serve dinner in a see through gown. But I'll slap him and set shit straight if he's about to be a dickhead, not follow him and close my eyes. ;)

There's no such thing as a perfect person going in the perfect direction I think. Love and respect doesnt mean blind trust :)

[–]Ok_Obligation_61101 Star 6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I don’t think you’re getting the point of the post. Women and especially modern women have a tendency to insert themselves into every decision because we tend to be neurotic and think we need to maintain control at all times because if we don’t what if something goes wrong??

I say this from experience because I myself have a tendency to try and tell my husband how to do something or insist on things being done my way because I’m worried something will happen. What I’ve found is that it makes me unhappy and it makes him unhappy. I feel unhappy because I feel like the stress is all on me and it makes my husband unhappy because it makes him feel as though I don’t view him as competent. That’s obviously not the case, I married him partially because one of the things I like most is that I think he’s smarter than me! He’s better educated, has more life experience, and I have no reason to doubt him. By calling out little things here and there of when I was right and he’s wrong, I create a toxic environment in our relationship. By taking a step back and letting him lead, and more importantly, with my support, he feels like he’s up to the task and feels empowered because I trust him. I feel much better too because it reminds me why I married him in the first place, he’s an intelligent and competent man who I trust wholeheartedly to take care of me. THAT is OPs point.

Being a submissive feminine woman is more than making your man dinner and serving him in outwardly tangible ways. It’s nurturing an equilibrium in your relationship through trust and support. Modern women seem to have this confused by thinking ‘oh well we both let each other make decisions and I’ll step in if he needs to be out in place’ blah blah. It doesn’t work because it easily allows you to turn into a nag and carry burdens while your man is emasculated and left feeling lost about his role.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

....if the men are capable and on top of things, why would you have to nag to begin with, I'm confused.

[–]Ok_Obligation_61101 Star 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Because men like all people are human beings. Just because you’re capable doesn’t mean you’re on top of things all the time, no one is, not even women. The difference is we tend to notice more when something needs to get done and we turn into nags when things are done on our schedule or exactly to our liking. That doesn’t mean men aren’t capable, it just means they have different strengths than we do. You don’t HAVE to become a nag, you choose to. Theres a difference between nagging your husband to mow the lawn and nagging your husband to pick the kids up on time from school. The former is just run of the mill nagging and has nothing to do with how capable your man is, the latter, you picked the wrong man and he’s not capable of taking care of the family. There’s a lot of nuance.

[–]Humble_Middle67591 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

I honestly think that you all need to re-evaluate your lives. Sorry.

If I have to ask a man to do manly duties or to take good care of kids, he's an idiot

Seriously who needs to tell a guy outside work needs to be done unless he's lazy?

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It does not sound to me as though you have a man. Thus you are arguing from a theoretical place with women who have already proven your theory wrong for themselves. You can hush now. No one needs to justify their happy marriages to an argumentative single girl.

[–]Ok_Obligation_61101 Star 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think you’re lacking some reading comprehension skills if that’s what you took away. I literally just said my husband doesn’t need to be told how to do things, he’s making 6 figures and went to two Ivy League schools so he clearly knows how to get things done in life. What he doesn’t need is for me to tell him that the forks go on the other side when he sets a table. He gets important shit done, he runs all of the finances for our house and pays all of the bills so we’re comfortable. So yeah it literally doesn’t matter at all about the little things because they only matter to me as a woman.

I like many others here are happily and successfully married with families, so I don’t think we need someone who’s single telling us we need to reevaluate our lives.

[–]Teacup0001 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

Because of perfectionist tendencies, or a need to control, or a need to establish power, etc.

My husband and I were recently invited to have dinner at my husband's boss's house. During the evening, his wife criticized him for placing the plates on one side of the island and not the other. It didn't matter AT ALL but she still felt the need to nag. Everyone there was capable of walking the extra two feet, but I guess she had to prove she would've set things up slightly more efficiently.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

But this isn't a case of the man "being a dickhead" it was an accident caused by the OP NOT following (riding) properly. Are you ever wrong in your relationship?

[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Honestly not much

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If you don't trust your man because he's wrong too often to trust and you are rarely wrong then either you married and idiot and it was a poor decision on your part or you are not right as much as you think but he lets things slide. I don't know which would be worse.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I hope I won't marry an idiot haha good point

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Good for you and your husband then :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm not married yet but I hope one day

[–]Euphoric-Chain-51553 Star 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That attitude, applied to being a motorcycle passenger, is liable to get you both in a painful wreck - and you would be the one at fault.

It's the same with relationships, incidentally.

[–]stripe_throwaway1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

See, that's the beauty of it, when you find yourself with someone you can respect, admire, and trust fully, there's never a need to slap him around.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I hope I find him. :)

[–]NamelessOneHere 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I think this comment could be, ahem, phrased better. But also, I know where you're coming from.

I am often confused when people talk about submission and dominance....what does it mean in practical terms?

In my house, my husband pretty much has the final say on big decisions. But most of the time, we are not making big decisions. Really, most of the time we are each in our own lane, working on what we do best and supporting each other. I am generally more of a follower and he is more of a leader, but I don't think about that a lot.

I often see posts here and wonder what submission looks like in other people's relationships. But maybe it is hard to define that.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It means different things to different people which is where it gets confusing. I think a "pretty much anyone can agree that this is a starting point" would be to show respect.

You don't argue about every little thing. You respect his time and is ability to manage his own work (ie: don't nag). You defer to him on the big things. You bring him a problem instead of tell him how to resolve an issue. You don't act as though your way is the ONLY way or even the best way (like who cares if the dishwasher is loaded incorrectly for example).

And, if it isn't a lifestyle choice for you (you aren't engaging in BDSM that tells you how to behave or your religion isn't providing instructions) then you keep in mind that men respond to submissive behaviors. This is a broad way of thinking but it leads to more direct strategies such as letting him order on a date.

If i can sneak away from my children for a spell, I will try to expand this into a post.

[–]NamelessOneHere 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks - this is so clear. And a post on this would be amazing.

[–]pearlspirit27 -3 points-2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Exactly my thoughts.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What do you think is impractical about it?

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I answered above, under the original comment. I'm not open to debating my relationship dynamics, but I am open to talking about it, if you want to.

[–]Heresoiwontgetfinedd 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Why would you willingly get in taxi with a man you know is %100 percent blind ?

[–]Such_Beginning_1629 -2 points-1 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Him being afraid for his vehicle before you would raise a big red flag for me. If my SO did this I would reevaluate my relationship based on the fact he does not care if I am ok.

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Have you ever heard of jokes?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'm going to have to go through my old posts and find some of the sillier stuff that has been suggested to me. You are doing great 🤪

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oh, no worries, the story of "we fell, got back up, enjoyed the ride" is now at the "10.000 km as his passenger, and counting" point. I think we'll manage ;)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So I don't know how you fell but when I spilled, a bunch of people came for me and just as many went for the bike. It wasn't because the bike was more important it was because it was still on and it traveled and spun a bit. Getting that up and secure was as important (maybe more) so no one else got hurt.

I mean that's how I remember it anyway.

But I have always joked that in a contest between me and the bike I'm not sure who would win. 😛

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup, sometimes getting the bike is just as important! I'm glad people were there to help you. It takes someone who knows their business, to understand what needs to be done in these cases.

In our case, it was a very controlled fall (he realized he wouldn't be able to keep the bike upright, so he got it to geeeeeently go down to the side) so it was immediately clear that neither of us had gotten seriously hurt. But we were in the middle of the road, behind a curve, and his main concern was to get us and the bike to a safer spot ASAP. Of course he would have worried about me first if I'd been obviously hurt (really, people? I married this guy. Have some faith.), but since I was obviously not, he flat out told me to get up and help him with the bike. It was not the time and place for "awww poor baby" coddling.

(I did, when it was safe and appropriate, get coddled and pampered as the situation deserved. He got righteously laid as the situation deserved. Everyone happy.)

[–]pearlspirit27 -3 points-2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Sooo... Why did you break up ?

[–]_Pumpkin_Muffin5 Stars[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

We didn't. He's my husband now :)

[–]pearlspirit27 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Congrats!!

[–]AutoModerator[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Title: I first learned submission on the back of a bike.

Full text: Just trying to capture what this submission thing really means for me.

​

***

​

The first time my butt landed on my then-boyfriend motorbike, I had absolutely no clue. I asked him what was I supposed to do.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Well, just trust me and follow me. If I lean down, lean down with me, don't struggle to remain upright. Relax and hold on to me."

Ah! That was not nothing. That was not nothing, I tell you. Following was hard work. But I did it, and loved it, and every time, every ride reinforced the idea in my mind - he could drive, I could follow. I could trust him with this. easy, really easy. Beautiful. Exhilarating. When we leaned down, I could enjoy the thrill, knowing that he would never let us fall.

Then, one time, we fell.

And I got scared.

It was my fault, really: he leaned down when I wasn't expecting it, I made a sudden movement in reaction, and down we went. Up close and personal with the asphalt. It was very gentle, for a fall, and we didn't get hurt at all. My boyfriend got up, made sure everyone was okay (first the bike, then me; not that I hold a grudge) and didn't mention once that it was my fault.

He asked if I'd rather go home, or if I still wanted to take the scenic mountain route he'd been planning. Let's go on, I said. Either way, I'd need to get back on the bike, and I didn't want our ride to end like this.

I didn't know that "scenic mountain route" is almost always code for "shitty, dirty, narrow road with no guard rail and a very pretty view on a fucking chasm, just in case you need a reminder of your own mortality". Or at least that's how it seemed at the time. And of course it was too narrow to turn back, once we realized how bad it was.

I didn't know how scared I'd get at every curve, tensing up, holding extra-extra-extra tight, shutting my eyes and gritting my teeth. My body, my mind, my whole being was simply convinced that we'd fall again and this time get REALLY hurt.

He pulled over after a while. I tensed up again, convinced that something was wrong with the bike.

"What's wrong?"

"No, you tell me what's wrong." (he said it much more gently than I can capture here, really.)

"Nothing." (he was facing forward, but I can swear he rolled his eyes at this.) "I'm just scared we're going to fall again."

That, again, was not nothing.

"I understand, but this is a difficult road. If you keep tensing up, pulling against me, trying to go the opposite direction, it makes it even more difficult. I can't drive if you don't trust me."

I took a deep breath and signaled we could go.

​

***

​

On the back of his bike I first learned that submission could be easy and beautiful. Oh, I knew already what kind of relationship I wanted, but I'd never... tasted it like this. Never trusted a man so blindly, so completely. Never felt that my trust was so crucial.

And then I learned that sometimes it would NOT be easy.

Sometimes the road is narrow and difficult and I'm convinced it will all go wrong. And that's when he needs my trust the most. If I only trust him when I know things will go well, if I only follow him when he goes in the direction I want... does it even MEAN anything?

So that's the question, really. What will I do when it gets hard? When I don't agree? When I'm scared? When we could get hurt? When I know he could mess up? When I'm convinced he will mess up?

Ohhhh if I could answer now, with certainty, that of course I will trust him and follow him. But fuck. I am human, too. So I stay up and subject you all to my 4 a.m. musings.

​

***

​

The view was beautiful, by the way.

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[–]pearlspirit27 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Congrats!!

[–]FlouncyMcTwinkle 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is so perfect! Im newish to both riding pillion, and being led in life. Fiancé wants me to get my own bike and do my test. But Id rather sit on the back of his ride and feel safe 🥰 great analogy 😊

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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