~ archived since 2018 ~

I HATED “I hear you”.

August 5, 2019

I have been rereading The Empowered Wife. You know how an issue keeps popping up and it’s like “hey look at me! Take care of me now!”? Maybe it’s just me. So my husband comes home from his mom’s house and is so frustrated and he’s sharing his feelings and of course instead of just listening I have to jump in and take over and make it about me. So we argue and he says “you know, all I hear is “shut up, don’t bring up anything. Ignore your emotions”. I was taken aback and somewhere deep down I felt remorse, but my anger was still at the surface so I didn’t say anything - just kept my mouth shut.

Fast forward, I’m taking a bath and rereading The Empowered Wife and what do you know? She’s saying the exact same thing my husband said. I’ve read it before, but man did it piss me off to read it again. She says I don’t have to agree or disagree I just need to say, “I hear you”. Ugh. I wanted to yell at someone “it’s not fair!”. Anyway. I put on a smile and said, “I’m sorry for interrupting you earlier and making it all about me. It was disrespectful.” He didn’t say much. But then he came to bed and shared all of these things with me he doesn’t normally share and I kept my mouth shut and said “I hear you”. Or I did ask questions if I needed clarification (like “who is that again? Or where is your brother working now?” Type things.

Keeping my mouth shut may be one of the hardest things ever for me... but I did it and it paid off (we had a nice talk and went to bed not angry with each other). I also texted him today and said I enjoyed spending time together with him. It’s annoying, but it works LOL.

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Post Information
Title I HATED “I hear you”.
Author Theendisnearornot
Upvotes 111
Comments 27
Date August 5, 2019 2:57 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–][deleted] 34 points35 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I'm the same. Keeping my mouth shut is so hard. Even if I keep it zipped my face gives me away and I get in trouble. My eyes roll on auto pilot. I don't even notice what I'm doing half the time, but I am at least starting to spot it now and like yourself & apologise.

I'm very disrepectful and scathing apparently. I prefer to think of myself as witty and irreverent but apparently its not being received that way.

But things have really improved since Laura Doyle and her wisdom came along. I do an awful lot of yes darling-ing and 'whatever you think babe' now when he's monologuing.

[–]_TorpedoVegas_33 points34 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

You may want to check into "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell. In one of the first chapters, he relates the work of the UW psych department where a professor in Tacoma had trained his students how to tell which couples would still be together in ten years.

They would bring a couple in, attach electrodes and sensors on them and film them while they just sat across a table from each other and chatted for maybe ten minutes. Students would watch the film, and with training eventually the students only needed a ten second silent clip of a couple to predict with over 90% accuracy which couples would still be together a decade later. Well over 90% IIRC.

They said the number one tell that they looked for was any sign of contempt. If there was eye rolling or disrespect noticed in the video, they would be certain that couple would split. Maybe something to think about

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Interesting, thanks, I’ll check it out. We’ve done 20 years already. (I’d never have predicted that back then but here we are...)

[–]_TorpedoVegas_3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Congratulations! So you've obviously figured out how to be successful. I am glad I read about that, because I am able to catch myself now.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Ah I don’t know how successful we are really. We’re doing good but somethings missing in the way I feel about him now and it’s hard to hide. So making it to 30 needs work I guess.

[–]EarInlove0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Generally it is frowned upon to do monologues that run over 15 minutes. A gentle reminder can do wonders!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I sure do frown upon it 😂 I can imagine how much he’d love to be informed his time is up 😳🤯

[–]Kat_ri8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm glad you were able to analyze your behavior and take steps to get such a good result!

[–]okayestwifey4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree it's really hard, but you see for yourself that it's really helpful in building intimacy and strengthening a relationship. I think one of the main things I see as the difference between RP and BP approaches is that a BP perspective would tell you "It's not FAIR you have to keep your mouth shut, that's oppressive!" but it's not about what may or may not be fair (I actually disagree that it's unfair, despite having that exact same inner pouting toddler, but it's not about that). It's about what's real, observable, and effective. It sounds like you have a real result on your hands here, so good job! It IS worth it, and it'll come more naturally the more you practice it.

[–]Pezotecom24 points25 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Everybody just wants to be heard every once in a while.

And men are not heard today. You go with your male friends and they either don't give that much of a fuck or they will debate solutions, which is helpful but debating feels like a fight and you are fighting all the fucking time so why bother? your female friends don't understand or don't care to understand.

What about your partner? Well she has to read a fucking book to start hearing you. No offense, the point is that it's frustrating and obvious.

[–]Theendisnearornot[S] 19 points20 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It’s not obvious which is why someone had to write a book about it. My sister doesn’t take any offense if I interrupt her and we have a back and forth conversation (she does the same to me). I grew up that way. My husband was around my family once and he says “ooh that’s why you talk over me. You didn’t get a word in growing up. How the heck can you all even know what someone else is saying?”. Yes, it’s a different dynamic between women versus men. I was listening to him before. But now how he wanted me to listen which caused problems. To ME I was listening, to him I was trying to jump in an solve his issues.

[–]Neuroentropic_Force4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah I think both gender's struggle with this for similar and different reasons. Similar in that we are all human and all stuck in our own heads/perspectives. We default to having a high opinion of our own opinions and reflexively share them. This is not a good impulse.

Men also have a hard time with the "I hear you" because they want to fix things, solve the problem, find the solution.

[–]sadomasochrist-2 points-1 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Men should not be venting their emotions in a relationship. You can't blame yourself for his failing here.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

It's not helpful for us to discuss what he should do on RPW. It shifts blame and deflects responsibility.

[–]sadomasochrist-1 points0 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Just saying the response is most appropriately trying to deal with making sure he starts captaining the ship properly. One of the few hard rules for men is no acting like a woman.

Made some mistakes at work, lost a job and the house, these things can be fixed over the long haul. Being attracted to a partner and losing that is almost always terminal. Attraction can't be negotiated.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I'm not saying you are wrong. You can see from the OP that there is a way this can be handled from our side too. To say "men should(n't) do x" allows women to lay responsibility for all relationship issues at the feet of their men. This is unhealthy and we encourage women to work in a framework of personal responsibility.

It's sadly common for men and women to answer an OP by talking about what the boyfriend should do. The OP can't change anyone but herself and telling a boyfriend how to behave encourages a female led relationship dynamic. This is why one of our rules is that you should only advise the person asking the question and not talk about what the man should be doing.

[–]sadomasochrist0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I understand absolutely. Which is why I'm curious how this is handled since it is an actual issue and not the usual masculine female behaviors but the reverse issue. Because interestingly as would be expected there are alot of responses to excuse and accommodate it. But at time of response had yet to see a way to manage it.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As it is written, this is an occasional occurrence in a long term relationship. A man will not completely destroy attraction with occasional venting when there is a solid foundation. This is much more of a risk for men in short term encounters. The OP's handling here was good.

If someone said she was losing attraction because her LTR was always crying to her it would be different. The reasons for his behavior are relevant. As a vague hypothetical the advice would be to praise and encourage and build him back up to see if he returns to his old self. Loss of attraction advice in an STR would be to move on.

[–]liarbirdy0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

What about in a situation where the woman is literally doing nothing wrong and the guy is clearly acting poorly? I really don’t get this, so it’s a rule that the women is always assumed to be at fault if something goes wrong in the relationship?

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

We base advice on the premises that you can only change yourself and on not assigning blame. If a man is entirely wrong for a woman, she should move on rather than attempt to change him.

To use a non-dating example: You say "My coworker is taking credit for my work." It doesn't help you at all if I tell you "your coworker needs to attend more training so she feels confident in her own work." You can pass on that information to said coworker but it is up to her to do something about it. If instead I tell you to be more vocal about your accomplishments, then I am giving you advice you can implement.

Finally, if I tell you "your coworker is terrible and this is all her fault", well then what? You might feel validated for 5 minutes but you still have the same problem with the coworker.

Does that make sense?

[–]liarbirdy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Okay, I understand what you mean, that makes sense.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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