I realized that “forgiving” my boyfriend of his past wrongs has enabled him into think I will always stay. I feel weak and I’m not sure how to move forward with this feeling

moredollals · 2020-04-01T19:18:26+00:00

Recently went through this. Unfortunately for me it meant breaking up with the guy I was seeing, and sticking to it. The only way to have boundaries is to practice them, even when it makes you uncomfortable and/or upset. If you blur your own boundaries it means people wont take any issue at blurring them either.

rustybench · 2020-04-01T20:05:48+00:00

Hey--I was noticing a similar pattern in my relationships when I was doing some reflecting in nun mode. I found the book Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood to be really helpful in identifying where this stemmed from and how to begin to make changes to have supportive, loving relationships rather than relationships where I give boundless amounts of love to men who aren't there for me in return.

Basically, a big thing in the book is acceptance. This doesn't mean not upholding boundaries or staying in a situation necessarily, but understanding that people are the way they are and we can't change anyone but ourselves--and from that acceptance, deciding if it is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

I think you are right about forgiveness, in that the function of forgiveness seems to be an ability for us to release resentments over harms and move forward. It is possible to forgive and walk away from a situation that isn't meeting your needs.

lovemylilfamily · 2020-04-01T21:30:55+00:00

In my first relationship I lowered every boundary I had to please my partner. That stemmed from having addicts as parents/untreated mental illness and many other issues I needed to work on. That relationship did end before I was able to re-establish boundaries.

I, personally, wasn’t able to put up boundaries until I went to therapy to work on my issues. Have you considered therapy? I can’t say enough about how therapy has helped me personally. It’s my answer for everything now! :)

HB3234 · 2020-04-01T22:08:47+00:00

Can you give us examples of what you're talking about? Vague questions can only get vague answers. This sounds like a case where specifics would really help.

But overall, right now sounds like you need more from him than the words "I am sorry", but you're forcing yourself to return to normal as soon as you "talk it out". Aka, you are making yourself act like things are okay before you really are okay.

When someone hurts you, it is appropriate to lean back and allow them to come toward you with a gesture of good will or amends, and to take the time you feel is appropriate to process that. It sounds like you may not be doing this stage at all.

scarletxoxo · 2020-04-02T05:45:50+00:00

This is my life right now. Super into this man, seriously considering marrying him. YET he is quite intimidated, burned and cautious as the blue pill women have all been super controlling and abusive.

He does do things wrong. He does not give me the same level of consideration for my needs. It takes a lot of effort and he is not 100% into our relationship at this point. So I dumped him. We were talking on the phone and I was super upset and stating that my needs and emotions are just as valid as his and I need to not feel so weak and vulnerable all the time. He needs to be in or out. PERIOD. I said this may be our last phone conversation. He FUCKING LAUGHED! and just said no its not. and is under some idea that nothing he could do will let me leave him because I love him and I am so into him.

WRONG. Love is not a reason enough. Love is not conditional but being in a relationship with someone is.

i-cussmmtimes · 2020-04-02T06:03:35+00:00

I had an ex, we were together for about 2 years. He didn't have a single bone for personal and professional growth, only had his money for his own and since I earned twice what he makes during that time, I always pitched in more for dates and gave more generous gifts. He'd always go out of budget for some reason and would borrow money from me. He would always say "borrow" but never bothered to give it back. Probably he thinks because I don't ask for it that I don't need it back.

I would try to push him towards a little but of growth here and there, being more responsible with his money etc, he would agree and say he totally understands. We were like that the entire time, until I got tired of being the bigger person. He told by the time I was breaking up with him that he was really happy with what we had and that he'd always brag about me to other people yadda yadda and that he didn't know there was a problem at all.

He was 9 years older than me. It's hard to parent an adult who's supposed to be your emotional equal.

mandoa_sky · 2020-04-02T02:25:23+00:00

i believe in only forgiving those who deserve it.

TheGreatThrowingAway · 2020-04-02T17:32:23+00:00

Break up with him. You deserve better and you should know that. Good women are hard to get and easy to lose, let him learn that the hard way.

victorinevien · 2020-04-02T02:00:41+00:00

Setting healthy boundaries requires that you believe in yourself, which is tough to do if you've somehow absorbed false messages about yourself in the past as a result of painful events (most likely in childhood, but could also be the result of failed romances): "I am not worthy of love, I am inadequate, I am worthless, I am not enough". Releasing these negative beliefs require that you stop dissociating from your emotions by trying to DO things. Just sit with the feeling of anxiety/depression/numbness/whatever it is. Allow yourself to feel the grief and anger that emerges. You can ground yourself by spraying some nice perfume on so you don't get lost in the emotions. Then as you become more comfortable with feeling your feelings, you can start to unidentify with those negative messages. Once you unidentify with them, your heart will be free to love in a healthier way. I read this in "Whole Again" by Jackson McKenzie. It talks about healing the wound in your heart so that you can learn healthy attachment and love instead of the kind of love that leads you into depression/anxiety.

szsunshine · 2020-04-02T17:20:24+00:00

Do you really want to be with a man who feels your forgiveness is a sign of weakness? Is that your value system?

He should change the behavior because he realizes something is important to you, not because he fears you’ll break up with him.

lininkasi · 2020-04-03T21:29:25+00:00

I think you are confusing forgiveness. You can forgive, but it doesn't mean you have to stick around for further stuff. There are consequences for bad behaviour. And you have to be willing to walk away if he continues to act badly.