I realized that I have absolutely nothing to offer men.

noPTSDformePlease · 2019-04-19T13:21:42+00:00

so, to summarize:

daddy issues? check
self confidence issues? check
anxiety issues? check

great so you are an average modern day woman.

the goal of this sub is to become an above average woman.

to move forward, work on the 3 problems you already described.

to fix your daddy issues (your relationship with your parents), make an effort to grow your relationship with your parents. call your mom. call your dad. maybe set up a weekly brunch or dinner to spend time with them. You can even tell them that, gasp, you want a better relationship with them!

to fix your confidence issues, make a list of what you are not confident about. is it your looks? then go to the gym, watch some youtube videos about how to do hair/makeup, and try to upgrade your style. is it something else? once you identify the problem, make a list about steps you can take to become better.

to fix your anxiety issues, you need to do 2 things: first, learn about meditation or some other method of calming yourself when you feel anxious. This will give you the tools to handle anxiety inducing situations. second, identify what it is that makes you anxious and make efforts to confront it. There are lots of resources online to help with anxiety if you make the effort to look.

hope that helps!

sonder_one · 2019-04-19T14:19:51+00:00

Someone who is willing to understand him and appreciate him beyond what he has to offer externally.

I'll just pick out this one sentence as an example of your problem: You are imagining that men evaluate you the way you evaluate men.

They don't.

Most women don't really "get" why men want them, and most men don't really "get" why women want them. That's because most men aren't attracted to men, and most women aren't attracted to women.

Neither my SO nor I would be attracted to clones of ourselves, but we are attracted to each other. That's how it works.

Quit trying to mentally talk men out of dating you and start trying to become what the sidebar tells you is an attractive woman. The rest will take care of itself.

artemis286 · 2019-04-19T13:15:34+00:00

I also had a rough childhood with my parents, for many reasons. In their hearts they did love me, and I have a good relationship with them now, but for many years it was not so. In addition, I also had several abusive relationships at a young age. I also had a very anxious attachment style, and it did affect my dating life in a major way for a long time.

First I would say, congratulations on recognizing this! That's pretty major. Many people go through their lives without ever looking within and figuring out why they struggle with particular issues. My recommendation would be to follow the thread that you've found. Read all the books, go to to therapy, exercise (I found meditation and yoga very helpful to me), if you're religious utilize that, find a healthy support network, and so on. Start with healthy friendships first, before working your way to dating.

You need to find that unconditional acceptance of yourself first, and learn how to nurture yourself in the way that you missed out on.

I'm a success story from the other side. I'm happily married, and in a very fulfilling relationship. We are very securely attached to one another, and our marriage has honestly been bliss. We are now expecting our first, and I've continued to gain perspective and healing from my past. My anxiety is gone, and I've achieved many personal goals, and found personal fulfillment and joy. It can be done, you have hope! Your introspective skills are clearly wonderful, and honestly I'm of the opinion that if someone had the willingness to look within, and address their own inner demons, they are capable of healing and moving forward.

And everyone brings some kind of baggage to a marriage honestly. Especially being pregnant, and feeling particularly emotional and vulnerable, I've had a few times where I've been truly "triggered". But the key for me is I'm able to communicate with my husband what is going on, and what I need. I have my toolbox for myself as well. In a marriage there will always be times they you have to be strong enough to carry the other person, but as you pointed out, it's important that it's reciprocal. There are also plenty of times that I support my husband as well, so it's never me just taking all the time. So getting to that healthy place where you can form a balanced relationship is important.

I hope some of that helps!

LateralThinker13 · 2019-04-19T15:25:14+00:00

I realized that I have absolutely nothing to offer men

You have as much to offer a man as you choose to have. Can you cook? Give a good massage? Are sexually skilled? That's a big step towards what a man needs.

I'm at a cross roads where I have this information, but not sure where to go from here.

Where to go is to deal with your baggage. Find a non-feminist therapist and get to work, one suitcase at a time.

I'm wondering if there are any women on here who are similar to me?

My wife is constantly wondering if she does enough for me. And I'm not demanding. She cooks, she provides physical attention, engages me socially, and is someone I can count on for support in anything I need. Period. That's more than enough. And she does more than that, and doesn't even see it.

Women don't get how simple a man's needs are. They don't need an accomplished professional, or a model, or a porn star, or a maid.

What men need, quite simply, is a woman who puts their man's needs at or above their own, and strives to meet them.

Physical support (food, sex), emotional support (comfort, caring, admiration, respect), psychological support (someone to confide in, a safe landing zone), and a nurturer (mother of children, homemaker) is what most men are looking for (to varying degrees of each, obv). This isn't complicated.

Men aren't women. Women are notoriously difficult to safisfy long-term because most WOMEN don't know what they themselves want (or worse, are self-deluded and seek self-destructive goals) and they ask for the wrong things or expect mind-reading.

Men aren't like this. Any woman can please any man, if she gets out of her own way. If you dropped my brain into the body of an average-looking 18-year-old girl (with no family support, no degree, and minimal financial support) and told me I had a year to secure a high-status male I could do it easily because what men want is easy to provide if you know what it is and don't have a problematic headspace; it's just startlingly uncommon, JUST like common sense.

BertTheWelder · 2019-04-19T19:02:41+00:00

I’m a man who has only had long term relationships with women who have very similar issues as you. I’ve been an amazing provider as I am both financially successful and generous. The women in my life have never had to go without the things they like and want. I’ve struggled to fulfill all of their needs, but like you, most of their needs come from troubled upbringings. I of course failed.

Throughout those failures, I’ve been emotionally abused, physically abused, and told over and over again that everything is my fault. I’ve been pushed into therapy programs, counseling programs, and even onto antidepressants. I eventually realized that the problem wasn’t me, but them. They have a deep seated need for love and attention that comes only from a childhood that starved them of love and attention.

As a consequence of all of the things I’ve been through, I am far worse off than if I had never been in a relationship. I am always afraid a woman is going to snap or turn on me and use cruelty to get her way.

I do not know what is best for you. But I do know that it’s best for others not to be involved with you until you work some of these issues out. A relationship won’t heal you, but it almost certainly will hurt the man you’re with.

I mean it - a relationship will not heal you. I learned this very well with my ex. Not only did I provide for her very well financially (she stopped working and I paid for everything) I provided her with so much of my time and affection. I’m lucky enough not to have to punch a clock, so I spent many hours every day with her. When I was at work, we texted and emailed constantly. It was rare to go more than 2 hours without contact. I was there for her every single emotional or physical need. I neither asked or expected her to cook, clean, or do other chores for me.

Despite all of this, she had tremendous issues with self-esteem and with anger. Issues I could not fix and issues that she won’t seek help to fix. Issues that will destroy any relationship she gets in, and possibly any man who gets with her.

The right kind of man for you is kind, patient, understanding, and generous with his heart and love. Right now, you are completely toxic to a man like that. You will make that man’s life full of pain and misery because you aren’t ready to accept his love. So you have three choices. 1: Date guys that aren’t right for you, and be miserable. 2: Find the right guy, date him, run it into the ground and then be full of regret for the things you did. Or 3: work on yourself so if you ever do meet the right guy, you’ll be able to love and be loved.

I hope you pick number three. Or at least don’t pick number two because no one needs to go through what I did.

Good luck out there and congratulations for being self aware enough to realize you have baggage that is causing problems. Many people never reach that point.

Oh. One last tip. If you’re really mad at your guy about X, don’t argue about Y because you just don’t want to talk about X. That never works. Address it or drop it. But don’t dance around it.

NellieSantee · 2019-04-19T15:00:30+00:00

The bright side of what you're saying is: you identified the problem, and have the humility to admit your fault. And a simple answer to help you, although I'm not sure how easy it is to implement is: to think of the other's needs. To actively think about it "what could I do for this person?". Practice with people you're not romantically involved first. And to not expect anything in return. Maybe even go to do charity work, stuff like that. That mindset would easily translate into a marriage. I'm married and I struggle with selflessness so I sometimes need to remind myself of this, and actively stop and think about his needs and how can I help him. Hope it helps!

Fridgemagnetman · 2019-04-19T15:10:31+00:00

No one's personality is set, real and drastic change is possible. Decide who you to be and start becoming that person

Zegiknie · 2019-04-19T15:18:57+00:00

I had my heart in the right place but was anxious-preoccupied, too. I wasn't aware of it, and stumbled into my relationship. I lucked out in that my husband and I were both kind of diamonds in the rough, and with some self-help, all worked out and I'm over the traumas. It can be done... But I wouldn't reccommend you risk it - I say nun-mode and extensive therapy are quicker. Especially given that you haven't picked anyone yet.

I am 100% sure that if the guy I fell for turned out to be an abuser, I would still be anxious-preoccupied, but with added trauma and bruises. I would not have been able to leave. I am 100% sure that the man my husband is today wouldn't for a second put up with the girl I was then.

Don't count on luck. You're aware of a problem. Work on fixing it. If you stumble into love, okay. But try and take it slow, because you could be alpha widowed before you even truly left childhood.

ACNJ4fun · 2019-04-19T15:20:21+00:00

You need to learn to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else. Easier said than done, but it’s very true.

mandoa_sky · 2019-04-19T13:04:47+00:00

if you are hot enough i think there are some men who will put up with anything.

however, your average relationship is a two-way street so you both need to bring something of value to the table for it to work,

[deleted] · 2019-04-20T06:33:35+00:00

It's like I'm the male version of you. I came to this realisation a few days back. I chase women, and get numbers, but they never stick around. Why? Because I have nothing to offer to women. SMV/RMV is your market value I.e. In that context, what do you bring to the table. I realised I brought very little of value to a woman that your average joe could not.

This to me was a very liberating thought, for the following reasons:

I was finally asking the right question-what do I provide as value?
I could answer this question honestly and didn't have to lie to myself about my reality, about how I'm hot because of my height or an Alpha player because I have the close rates of a pro. I can look in the mirror and can't hide from myself.
There is a strength in being aware of your weaknesses. People are attracted to our rough edges.
There is no way other than up. There is a quiet confidence I get from knowing what's wrong and having a plan. Its frustrating to not know what the problem is. Once you know it, it's now in your control. You can make plans, execute them and tangibly better your position in life. You can try and ignore and you can't ignore the truth, and once it enters your conscious it's very hard to get it to shut up too. I'm excited to take the time to really get to know myself and kick ass over the coming year, and more.

Almondxxx · 2019-04-23T17:14:13+00:00

I can’t understand. You can focus on yourself and your own needs in a relationship. A woman’s desire and want to please a man comes from that man actually giving off something that you desire.

A relationship isn’t sacrificing / giving everything to your partner while receiving no benefit. That is what this post sounds like..

JanuaryArya · 2019-04-19T20:54:02+00:00

So...

You have the ability to self reflect.

You can identify your areas of weakness

You can visualize an end goal. You described an emotionally mature relationship. You just doubted that it could ever be you. Try to visualize that it could be.

You are at a crossroads. You know it will take work.

But for some reason you still think you have an attractive(?) opportunity to avoid this work. You’ve demonstrated good self reflection and visualization so far. What would that look like if you got your wish and just pushed forward your emotionally immature codependent idea?

It would be...bad. It wouldn’t just be a stagnation, or wasted time. It would be a huge step backwards. You’d have to start over again even further from the goal line.

You are worth it to try a better bolder relationship. Especially if you are a work in progress. Any great man will ALWAYS be working and progressing too. And even if your goals are very different, it’s awesome to feed off the energy of other people who are continuously self improving.

I don’t have enough information to give you advice about whether you need more time alone to work on your issues or if you are “ready” but regardless, the “practice” involved in dating might benefit you. You will need practice and exposure to rid yourself of nonproductive emotional habits. Just keep observing yourself and learning more each day.

Best of luck.

StripperWhore · 2019-04-20T02:05:20+00:00

Google Dialectal Behavioral Therapy. DBT : )

padpump · 2019-04-20T12:31:34+00:00

Looks like you were looking for love there for a second. ;) What OpenHeart Meditation has allowed me to feel. It is just that. Being loved. Unconditionally. Does that make me think I can offer more in a relationship than before? Not yet. But at work I can now see what Irmansayah tries to describe there (in the video below. The lack of burdens and second guessing is amazing. Makes me more productive and also seems to be improving the relationships with my colleagues and also boss(es).

It’s not a quick fix. Took me about 3 years to get to now. And I was at a very low point in my life when I discovered this. So I’m grateful for just feeling good.

https://youtu.be/oB-48g6nuxw

Kara__El · 2019-04-19T13:15:40+00:00

Internet strangers can't fix this. Get therapy.

maljo24 · 2019-04-19T21:17:04+00:00

All kinds of men. You sound pretty interesting, actually. You will find someone.

Title	I realized that I have absolutely nothing to offer men.
Author	redthrow1121
Upvotes	130
Comments	61
Date	April 19, 2019 12:40 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-realized-that-i-have-absolutely-nothing-to-offer.227005 https://theredarchive.com/post/227005
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/beyn54/i_realized_that_i_have_absolutely_nothing_to/