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In defense of femininity. I’m really tired of seeing ultrafeminine habits get dismissed as “basic” (vent)

April 2, 2021

Meme after meme on Instagram poking fun at women for collecting plants, doing yoga, taking care of themselves, buying maybe some of the same home accessories or fashion books. It’s just exhausting. Let us live!

Men and women today have such unrealistic expectations going both ways, and seem to forget that statistically there are at least 5 other humans on this earth identical to them! It’s like you’re expected to look gorgeous all the time but conveniently, without admitting to putting in the work it takes to maintain that. Conversely, expected to be able to “hang” and eat junk food, magically transform into this tomboy type on a dime, read what he reads, take it up the ass in the bedroom, etc etc etc and all these other things just to check off boxes. I are literally expected to be #NotLikeOtherGirls all the time and it’s exhausting. I’m tired of seeing this get mainstreamed. It’s like this nightmarish, ironic fusion of Bluepill culture and a strange form of misogyny at the same time.

Just let us live for crying out loud.

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Post Information
Title In defense of femininity. I’m really tired of seeing ultrafeminine habits get dismissed as “basic” (vent)
Author lavieennoir94
Upvotes 132
Comments 20
Date April 2, 2021 10:05 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
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Original Link
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[–]-ladykitsune- 26 points27 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think it depends on the company you keep, and just owning your femininity.

Somewhere around my mid 20s I deleted all my social media. A lot of my insecurities went away because I stopped comparing myself to other women.

I also formed new friendships with women who encouraged and supported other women. Spending less time around girls who gossiped allowed me to stop judging other women.

I gush about my plants, my pets and my love of sewing at work - yes people still tease me about it, especially the men, but it’s all in good nature and I find my colleagues often turning to me for advice on home making and styling. :)

[–]Travis_Ryno 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They tease you because they like you. For real--its an excuse to interact with you. A cheap one, but one nonetheless.

[–]ladida1321 39 points40 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

There is literally an entire subreddit making fun of the “not like the other girls” attitude. It’s very anti-woman to look down on another woman for doing what they like.

Maybe it depends in the company you keep or where you our living but I have only really seen the women in my life- whether they are feminists or traditional be treated with respect by one another.

I also don’t know of any man who is dumb enough to believe a gorgeous woman is effortlessly gorgeous at all times. We all love to take it up the ass or a super model just wolfed down a pizza before she did a swimsuit shoot. If these men exist they are very immature or have literally no women in their lives.

I honestly think the it’s kind of a parody culture that younger people relate with- it’s kind of a exaggerated version of some part of their lives.

But truthfully- none of my friends (man or woman) gives a crap that I love plants, does embroidery, likes to clean, has like 10 different skin care products I use on a daily basis, bakes cookies or try out different recipes. If anything they enjoy it and support me.

The internet is a strange strange place. The minority have the loudest voices sometimes and it makes it seem like the reality of the world is much different than it is.

All that matters really is live and let live. Treat others as you want to be treated. That is the mentality I find most people I know have.

[–]ihopemewingworks 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Whats the subreddit called? 😳

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]ihopemewingworks 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh really? So they are trying to date HVM but they are feminists? Is it about strategy and that kind of stuff as well?

[–]Travis_Ryno 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you think the internet is bad like that, try television lol

[–]drewsurselfup 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

More feminine a woman is, the more men will be attracted to her, most men don't want anything special, be presentable, fit, feminine, give a man his personal time and he'll dig you 247. Unless its a man out of your league, then things get more important, 20% men get 80% women so you'll experience the same guys a lot.

[–]MirriMazDuur 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is NOT just an internet phenomenon and I got sucked into it while I was a teenager, so I also have a hunch on why it happens! Lots and lots of people have their parents divorced or live in signgle parent households because of other reasons (in the case of my country, parents emigrating is a huge problem) so they have no healthy models on how a relationship goes and no model of how an adult of the opposite sex or same sex as them behaves.

I had gotten sucked into this sort of pickmeisha crowd when I was a teen and only later did I realize that all the people I hung out with had similar home situations. I used to despise feminine women because I had no self respect and I was desperately begging for acceptance. I used to pretend I was not like the other girls and a a strong and independent woman until I saw that all the "normies" around me are so much happier and get more respect from men. That's when I started to think I have been lied to.

The truth is that typically feminine things bring value and have a purpose. Taking care of yourself and being a beautiful presence is a virtue. Having an organised and beautiful home is a virtue. We are not animals and beauty is detrimental to our mental well being. Our neuroticism is helpful when keeping small children from harm. Being modest is a virtue. Take a good look at people who despise all of these and see that they are not happy, they are frustrated. Keep your head high, do what you love, behave as you feel is appropriate and do not let yourself influenced by people who want to engineer you into something else. Do NOT feel guilty in the slightest for what you want and what makes you feel happy! Take a look at how a "low-maintenance", "academically-accomplished woman ends up like: Take then a good look at this sub and see the experiences of so many women who have found happiness and share it with each other. Notice how nobody here criticises other people's life decisions?

[–]Drewsef916 13 points14 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Your first mistake is taking anything on social media seriously

[–]tulipiscute 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Eh this is kind of a patronizing response. Social media reflects the things people think in real life... and people frequently demen traditionally feminine habits like how OP described. It is based in misogyny

[–]Drewsef916 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nope. Social media, cancel culture etc is most zealously participated in by people who's lives revolve more around the internet then real life. Their emotionally infantile and reactionary expressions are best ignored. Yes regular normal sane people participate too but its very clear that not taking it seriously 95 percent of the time is the appropriate approach.

[–]Travis_Ryno 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Or any media

[–]All_Lurk_No_Post365 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For real, there's this weird obsession with shaming women for liking feminine stuff.

I'm a guy and I get the same problems when people find out I like cars, gym, cooking/grilling, fixing stuff, tools, and other stereotypically male interests... Like why is it wrong for a woman to like make up, clothes, baking, decorating and other stuff? Why this weird obsession with having them like "guy" things? There's nothing wrong with a woman liking make up and not liking sports same way it's fine for me to like working on cars and not give a shit about interior design.

[–]DownvoteMe2021 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I (a man) would just like you to know that I (and others) recognize and appreciate the considerable effort and time that it takes to maintain a traditional feminine appearance. I have always considered it "part of the bill" in that I might pay for dinner etc, but you're paying for consumable products for both our benefit.

> Conversely, you’re also expected to be able to “hang” and eat large quantities junk food.
I do not. I appreciate that you put effort into this consideration.

> magically transform into this tomboy type on a dime
I appreciate that you consider your attitude and our interactions.

> read what he reads or be this academic savante
I appreciate that you have your own interests and put effort into different things than I do. I hope only that you give some cursory support for what I'd like to share with you.

> take it up the ass in the bedroom,
I appreciate that for some women this can be a challenge to adapt to, enjoy, and support for your partner's sake.

This isn't pejorative or sarcastic, nor meant to be a "not all men" type comment, there are those of us out there that really do appreciate these things. As someone who prefers a more feminine woman, I find it unreasonably difficult to find these types of women in today's world. You are appreciated.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link


[–]DownvoteMe2021 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh, sure! I hadn't read that from the OP. I was assuming things were consensual/interested, but that there was just a feeling of a lack of appreciation.

[–]planterkitty 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You hit a very good double standard that people are beginning to acknowledge. Check out The Take's video the cool girl trope on YouTube. You might also like this essay, which sums up men's unrealistic standard for women who "take care of themselves".

For your very first point though, I'll share my personal thoughts:

Yoga and houseplants are very trite and a very privileged Western thing. I have a similar sentiment about Pilates—I like to joke that it has no appeal to me because it's so "white girl". (I am a Filipina woman for context.)

If I were honest though, I don't get the sustained appeal of yoga and houseplants precisely because so many people have jumped the bandwagon and it has become a lazy hobby. This is also true for men. There are plenty of them on gardening subs posting the same twelve plants that are not actually native to their locality. (Pothos, calatheas, monsteras, sellums... Don't forget the succulents).

I love gardening. I'm not very good at it. But I follow an Indian woman who doesn't focus solely on buying pretty houseplants poached from South America / Holland / Africa and actually focuses on care for the soil, dealing with pests, and more importantly, planting native vegetables that are appropriate to her climate. Also the reason I like Epic Gardening.

As for yoga, there are dozens of yogis on YouTube doing their own thing, appropriating bits and pieces of yoga into their own routine and brand.

Are these people not allowed their hobbies? Of course they are. We're not gatekeeping here. But the internet catches on with the ubiquitous, and these quickly turn into memes.

To me, these are not "ultrafeminine" habits. These examples—yoga and collecting houseplants (not really gardening)—are trending, low-effort, and the most common examples of "self-care" or "self-love" overly marketed especially in this time of lockdowns.

Ultrafeminine to me are women like Caitlyn from Mrs. Midwest and Alena from The Darling Academy. They know how to cook from scratch, do a bit of gardening, sew and darn and mend, and spiff up a household into a haven. They know how to do their hair and dress up and take care of themselves. If we want to focus on very dainty, very feminine aesthetic, a stellar example is Shirinatra. (She is so gosh-darn dainty that sometimes I can't believe she's real.)

Going further, another ultrafeminine hobby is skincare and makeup. Michelle Phan and Sacheu are two standout examples for real effort and genuine engagement. These women have more fans than detractors ridiculing them for their hobby, because they recognize that these women actually put a lot of work, research, and effort into what they do. But we know what happens when something catches on—YouTube has spawned dozens of beauty gurus trying to make money off the trend so much so that it's become easy to parody.

Ergo, it's easy to ridicule something overdone. I don't think the internet mocks the hobbies you mentioned because they're "ultrafeminine", but because they're so trite.

[–]TessaBrooding 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t think that’s what NLOG is about. I’ve been a member for maybe two years. It talks about teenage girls and women claiming not to be like other women, because they believe other women are shallow, emotional, have stupid hobbies etc. The subreddit is the exact opposite of what you’ve described. It reminds women that other women are complete adults with various valid interests.

[–]profstarship -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's probably your friend group specifically. Ive never seen those things attacked. But yes if you're all about starbucks and target, you're a basic bitch. Make your own coffee and buy shit for cheaper. Liking giant corporations is not a quirky fun personality trait. Everyone fucking likes starbucks and target, that's why they are everywhere!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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