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In this holiday season, a reminder to RECEIVE RECEIVE RECEIVE (+ mini field report)

December 4, 2020

Anyone who has read The Surrendered Wife knows the importance of graciously receiving a gift.

Since I literally just finished reading it, here’s a gentle reminder for those who’re a little rusty on how and why.


When your man gives you a gift (this can be an actual item or a gesture, or even kind words) smile sweetly, be excited, say thank you, and tell him you love it, even if you don’t.

After you fully display your appreciation and gratitude, stop there. No “but”s or complaints on how much he spent or how it isn’t quite the right gift, or there was something better on sale, even if you’re 100% in the right.


Firstly, doing anything but showing appreciation hurts people’s feelings.

Gift giving is a pretty vulnerable act, and you should appreciate that someone is basically willing to bet money on the fact that they know you and your likings. Imagine carefully picking out a gift for someone, keeping it a secret in giddy anticipation, only for them to shoot you down and not like it. Don’t do that to someone you love the most.

(Side note: by reacting negatively, you’re also basically telling them to never get you a gift again.)

Secondly, although saying “I love it” when you don’t seems like lying, it shouldn’t be: ideally you love the thought behind it regardless of what the gift is, because you love the person giving the gift. If your 4 yr old hands you a terrible crayon drawing of you, ideally you won’t go like “ewwww yikes” even if it really is objectively terrible.

Thirdly, there might be a (big) part of you that thinks you don’t deserve it. Surely that’s a good reason to react negatively or whine about the price right? No. Stop telling your boyfriend/husband that his girlfriend/wife doesn’t deserve anything and he’s a dumbass for trying so hard. Imagine if a friend told you that about your SO, how would you feel?

I’m by no means perfect at this (I’m especially partial to thinking I don’t deserve pricey things), however, I can give an example/field report in case it helps anyone.

My lovely SO got me a part of my Christmas present really early. He was so excited about it and it’s so clear that he put a lot of thought behind it. He was dropping so many hints and finally he gave in and straight up gifted it to me during thanksgiving.

As it turned out, it was a piece of jewellery I mentioned I always dreamed of having as a child. What I did not mention was I probably definitely grew out of that, just like I grew out of owning barbie dolls.

When he revealed to me, in all of it’s shiny, heart shaped, golden glory, not gonna lie: my first reaction was that it was so tacky, and my second reaction was I can literally never wear it with any of my outfits.

However, what immediately overshadowed both of those reactions were a deep deep appreciation. This man literally remembered this one random conversation we had in passing, then he browsed for it and picked one especially for me, even though he’s probably not interested in jewellery at all.

I beamed and excitedly told him that I loved it and I love him and that fulfilled a huge childhood dream of mine and it was absolutely perfect.

Then, he mentioned the price. My jaw definitely dropped a bit and I had the urge to start complaining/saying I’m not worth that. He then explained that he got gold filled instead of gold plated because he wanted it to last. How the heck can anyone have the heart to whine at that?

Fun fact: it’s now actually the favourite thing I own. It means so much to me and I wear it whenever I can (wearing it right now!) I literally show it off to all of my friends, all the time. It’s honestly the cutest gift and the cutest gesture, and it makes me so happy.

I can’t even believe I once almost let myself hate it. I can’t even imagine what would have happened to that day or our relationship if my mindset was different.

I’m still new to this journey, and I have a lot to learn. Feel free to let me know what you guys thought of all this in the comments~

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Post Information
Title In this holiday season, a reminder to RECEIVE RECEIVE RECEIVE (+ mini field report)
Author NotPast3
Upvotes 151
Comments 19
Date December 4, 2020 11:01 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/RedPillWomen
Archive Link
Original Link
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[–]ILoveCuteKitties 62 points63 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This isn’t just red pill, it’s basic manners. Good post. It’s good to remember to receive acts of service graciously too. We often want to be proud and insist we can handle whatever chore ourselves...better to say thank you, smile, and go with the flow.

[–]NotPast3 20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly! Basic manners, weird how we forget those when we’re with the ones dearest to us.

[–]GoodBoyoN 22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wish I had read that reminder before my birthday ... Girls, if you get a crappy gift and comment on it you might win the battle but lose the war

[–]q-the-light 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You're absolutely right in everything you've said. May I just add that people are more likely to put more thought into future gifts for people who are truly grateful? No one wants to waste time and effort on someone who doesn't acknowledge it, so even if one gift you receive isn't perfect, to be grateful for it means you're more likely to get an even more thoughtful gift the next year!

[–]NotPast3 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I 100% agree with this

[–]marceqan 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This is a sweet story, I’m happy for you to have such a thoughtful husband. I think in this case there was only one appropriate way to act and that’s exactly how you did - the gift shows that your husband listens to you and would go out of his way to make you happy. However, while showing appreciation for a gift that you don’t like to others is good manners, pretending to love it if it’s your partner might backfire. Don’t get me wrong, if the gift is a surprise and not for an occasion, anything other than appreciation and enthusiasm is inappropriate. But if it’s your birthday or Xmas... I have mixed feelings. First of all, gift giving is my love language so I probably take it more seriously than other people. I listen carefully all year to my loved ones, take notes on things they mentioned they wished they had and save up all year for perfect Xmas gifts. I realize not everyone is like me, so in front of my partner I usually give hints also to make it easier for them. I had partners in the past that seemed to have disregarded that or listened to what I said half-heartedly - they got me perfume that wasn’t my taste while knowing what perfume I use or something from the brand I mentioned but not the thing I mentioned. And then ask me “tell me honestly,do you like it?” Would love to hear your opinions on the answer, ladies. My logic here is that it’s ok to show your partner that you expect them to listen better to you and let’s say if you hate roses but never say it, you might get roses every anniversary. Plus I would prefer if they told me if they didn’t like something (be it a gift or my cooking or my style) so that I can make them genuinely happy, I’m wondering if most men would have the same logic.

[–]NotPast3 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The wisdom offered by Laura Doyle is that it’s better to encourage a behaviour than discourage the opposite (use I want statements directly when you actually wanted to be gifted something).

In my case, he gleaned his information from a very passing conversation. I made no real/substantial comment on it and I cannot expect him to read my mind on the exact intricacies of the matter.

I think it’s totally okay to let your partners know that you want to be listened to, but also cut them a little slack because no one is perfect, especially when it comes to something as personal as perfume.

[–]marceqan 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well, gift giving for Xmas and birthday is a non-optional social convention so it’s not a behavior that needs to be encouraged. With “I want” statements... hm sounds a bit demanding. I think gift giving is my love language because it shows how well you know someone. If I were to tell my partner “I would like you to get me X for my birthday” it would defeat the purpose, I could buy it myself. Ugh the perfume was the worst, because we lived together he knew exactly what perfume I use and that my favorite notes are oud (very expensive but he loved it too). The perfume he got me was not oud based and I never used it so I guess he figured it wasn’t a good gift even though I lied and said I liked it...

I’m going to keep this topic going because it’s the holidays around the corner. In my country it’s seen as absolutely inappropriate to tell someone how much you spent on the gift or leave the price tag on the gift. This year I’m thinking for Xmas I will give my gifts with a receipt in a sealed envelope so that they can me returned/exchanged if it was a miss - would that be a savoir vivre faux pas?

[–]adorawhore 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Get a gift receipt. The price isn’t on it.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Great advice. I never thought of gift giving as a vulnerable act before. And I laughed SO hard when you described your first reaction to the Christmas present. You made my day!

I can't help thinking of my mom. She used to get mad at me every time I gave her a present (no matter the price). She would look at it and say "why? You shouldn't spend your money like this. I could have bought it myself". This was specially painful when I was a student and I had to save for a while for a small b-day or mothers day present. I felt great when I went to a store to get it, then writing a card, etc. Then I simply stopped doing it.

[–]NotPast3 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My mother was very much like this too. However, she’d also get mad at me for not getting her anything. I dreaded every occasion because it was such a pain to deal with her.

Her marriage is... not great. Not hard to see why.

[–]healthyelegant 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m glad you posted this as it’s very hard for me to receive gifts from my husband. The only issue is, he usually doesn’t try very hard. When I know he tried hard to find me a gift, even if it isn’t the best, I truly show my appreciation. He really hates giving gifts though because he hates putting in the effort, hates spending money, and doesn’t think I actually need anything. He’s more of an acts of service/physical touch guy. I was definitely a receiving gifts love language when we met, but as we’ve been together so long, I’ve had to adjust my expectations of him and change my love language because I can’t change who he is. If there’s anything I truly want, I will get it myself and it saves a ton of emotions on my end. I’m now more of an acts of service and quality time love language. I will actually try to put effort into appreciating his gifts though and see if in a few years he starts changing, because maybe I was always the issue and never appreciated his efforts enough.

[–]ZBawaKaul 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I teared up just reading this - that necklace.. so precious!

[–]IcarusKiki 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Honestly for me the actual gift doesn’t matter it’s his thoughtfulness and appreciation is what makes me happy! Even if it’s objectively ugly it’s uniqueness will remind me of him and that’s what makes it special 💕

[–]Advanced_Bar_673Endorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Love this story!!! Thanks for sharing.

[–]WonderfulRat 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes yes yes, Thank you so much. I needed to read this today!

[–]sweet_ligeia 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I told my husband exactly what I wanted for Christmas this year (a special, custom piece of jewelry) & messaged the seller asking for a discount on it... he is so excited to give me exactly what I wanted & grateful for my efforts to get the best price... which was above our budget still, so I offered to forgo the valentine's day flowers that I always want 😅 i also shared with him why it would feel really meaningful to me...

For my birthday I also told him exactly what I wanted (a new bicycle), & we went together to pick it out, so it was a very fun experience for us 💕 just sharing another way of doing gifts 🎁 😀 😊

We've been together nearly 7 years (married nearly 4), & I just needed what I needed this year!!! Other times, I have felt super grateful for whatever he wanted me to have 🥰 usually awesome, but often not exactly what I would have asked for -- but always an important message that I am valued for who I am (& sometimes a great hint of what he would like to see... 😯😉🙃😆)

[–]tirednurse969 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is so cute! Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful report u/notpast3! 💕

[–]Junebug_20 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My parents are divorced now but I have memories from childhood of my mom not being receptive to my dad's gifts.

For example, we brought her back a blanket from a vacation and I remember her saying she knew that we bought it at a gas station (which was true) and her feelings were hurt that we didn't give it more forethought.

She would often finding fault with the gifts my dad bought her. She felt like what he bought was more his moms taste, she would laugh about being gifted something like a vacuum, etc. I think it goes without saying that he eventually stopped buying her gifts. When someone is never pleased and looks for fault in your nice gestures, the prospect of trying again is not very inspiring.

This is not to tear my mom down. I've accepted that she just didn't know better. I'm sensitive too, so I can even understand her thought process. "He doesn't even understand me as a person if he thinks I would like this, he wishes I was just like his mom, he didn't put any thought into this, he must not really love me, etc."

I'm just so glad that I discovered Laura Doyle and that I've been able to see for myself the beautiful effect that graciously receiving has on my relationship.

You don't have control over the gifts people give you. But you do have control over how you receive what you are given. It's served me really well to happily and graciously accept any gift my husband gives me- including the practical ones, like a toaster oven for my last birthday, which is awesome and I use it daily.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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